Raise Your Mugs O’ Grog In Cheer, My Friends, ’Cause It’s That Time of Year For Another Rudolph Rant…By Rich Ferguson
December 22, 2008
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a maleficent ex-Vegas lounge singer with an overactive middle finger that ultimately caused him to get kicked off Survivor, Project Runway, and Dancing With The Stars all in the same day.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a hangnail-ridden, hackneyed herpetologist with a knock-kneed, nitroglycerin-swiggin’ alter ego, brawlin’ like Kid Rock at a Georgia Waffle House.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a kinkajou-kicking schmuck, whose highly boasted Proustian split personality was merely a pimple-ridden protuberance on the left butt cheek of the blues.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a clap-traperous, flimsy-assed gypsy with a Sisyphus boulder for a crystal ball, and who could read tealeaves about as well as he read the New Yorker—that is to say not at all.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a hazardous waste dumping demagogue, pumped so full of bad feng shui and Demerol that he kept mistaking North Peoria for the North Pole, and Satan for Santa.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a gas huffing, NyQuil chugging rabble-rouser who’s yelled for every bar band from Boise to Bangor to play “Free Bird,” all while Twittering, playing Twister, and twiddling his fingers.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a bilgewater-brained bigamist with mescal-chugging, Mesolithic tendencies and nowhere near the brains and savvy of Obama’s future dog.
Happy a happy holiday season anyway, y’all.