Well, folks, the NFL season is coming to an end. Which for me and countless others means depression is creeping in. No more deep passes and corner blitzes. No more audibles, hot routes, bruises, or broken fingers. Like Thom Jones wrote, “Oh, baby, I’m so depressed.” ESPN and its talking heads will be neck-deep in baseball, basketball, hockey, golf, and NASCAR. Not good. Don’t count me in. I’ll be watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, keeping tabs on Kim’s sultry, almond-shaped eyes and manufactured bolt-ons. And let’s not forget Bruce Jenner! I’m fully bewildered by his 70’s haircut and his train wreck of a face-lift. It’s a wild sight. The man is truly weird looking. Anyhow, football. The 2009-2010 NFL season is almost a wrap. This is what happened.

Life is a Brees: The NFC

In the NFC the Saints came out of the gate punching and kicking. Their offense was prolific and they scored TDs like Costco sells frozen chicken fingers: in bulk. Brees was a badass and lit up defenses all season long. It was something to see. They butchered the Cardinals in the Divisional playoff game and squeezed out a victory in overtime against the Vikings. People predicted them to make it to the Super Bowl and that’s exactly what happened. They’re going to Miami, hoping to bring a Lombardi to New Orleans. We’ll see. Who Dat!

Favre and the Vikings made a run for the big game. They played the Saints in the NFC Championship game and had the thing won, but Favre threw a costly interception that sealed their fate. They had their chances despite five turnovers. Now, the big question is: will Brett retire once again and ride his dusty tractor off into the hillbilly horizon? Brace yourselves, people. Another teary-eyed retirement may be on the way. Whay.

The Packers had a good year and made it to the playoffs and had a shootout with the Cardinals that had both teams scoring a million points apiece. They came up short, but watch out for these guys next year. I like Rodgers and see him doing great things in the years to come.

The Eagles made it to the playoffs but got their asses handed to them by Romo and the Cowboys. In recent history the Eagles are the quintessential almost-but-not-quite football team. They’ve made the playoffs pretty consistently and even made it to the Super Bowl in 2004, but could never snatch themselves a Super Bowl ring. They might be cursed. But by who? Ron Jaworski? Terrell Owens and his big horse teeth? Regardless, I think their best days are behind them. Sorry, Donovan. Have some chicken soup and take a napper.

The Cowboys played well all year and in December—when they’ve historically imploded—they played their best football of the year. Their running game was solid, their defense was tough, and Romo was making plays. They smacked around the Eagles in the playoffs and then went on the road and got pummeled by the Vikings 34-3, sending them back to Dallas dizzy and crestfallen. Go figure. That whole sentiment of the Cowboys being “America’s team” has to go. Really. They’re just another team that watches the Super Bowl with the rest of us.

“They will never win with that pussy-looking coach,” a Cowboy fan yelled over the phone. “He looks like a fat eleven year-old with wrinkles.”

It’s true. He does.

So who are the teams that stunk up the field this season?

The Bears and Lions are perfectly miserable teams and thus had perfectly miserable seasons. Especially, the latter that have been eternally screwed by Matt Millen who’s an impeccable fool and a bona fide loser. As usual, the Redskins had yet another pathetic season. Don’t watch the Redskins snap another ball, folks. Don’t do it. Put on the Travel Channel and watch Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern and watch that bald fucker scarf down a pair of sautéed bull nuts or gnaw on rabbit doused in a creamy chocolate sauce. It’s far more entertaining. Really.

The Seahawks, Niners, Falcons, Panthers, Bucs, and Rams were equally horrible (well, to be fair, the Niners and the Falcons didn’t look that bad) and should have quit a month into the season and worked on their golf game. They should have hired Tiger Woods for some pointers. But it seems to me that at that time Mr. Woody’s schedule was constantly booked with dewy waitresses and other assorted star fuckers.

There you go: The NFC.

Peyton’s Place: The AFC

The AFC will be sending the Colts to the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning is phenomenal and is arguably the best QB to ever play the game. Like the Saints, a lot of people saw these dudes making and winning the Super Bowl with ease and Manning getting sized for yet another championship ring and a healthy cash bonus to boot. Cha-ching. I do see them winning the Super Bowl.

Indy barreled through the Ravens in the Divisional playoff game, shutting Ray Lewis up until next fall. I saw the game in a dinky bar in Highland, California, and was thrilled. Now, don’t get me wrong, Ray Lewis is one hell of a linebacker but he’s arguably the most vacuous human being to ever put on an NFL uniform. He’s a five-star bore and his pre-game sermons are lame, dimwitted, and dull. It wouldn’t surprise me if Lewis becomes a TV evangelist after he hangs up his cleats drawing cheap boneheaded parallels between football and salvation. Lord have mercy! Please, Lord, have some damn mercy!

The Patriots made the playoffs but weren’t as good as people predicted. They looked flat and uninspired all season long and got their asses kicked in their own back yard by the Ravens in the Wild Card game. The Chargers played solid all year long. They scored big points and kicked in some teeth along the way, making them a serious contender to get to Miami. But then the Jets came into town and kicked in their teeth in the divisional playoff game and strolled into the sweet San Diego sunset eating fish tacos and eye-balling the ladies.

The Jets came out of nowhere this season. No one predicted them to win with a rookie QB in Sanchez at the helm. And definitely no one saw them making the playoffs. But they did and knocked out Ochocinco and his Bengals with ease and then zipped off to San Diego to piss on Rivers’ parade. Their Super Bowl dreams croaked when they got to Indy. But it took the best team in the AFC to eliminate them from the tournament. That’s saying something. It was a good ride loaded with a vicious defense and their obese coach flapping his insatiable gums every time a mic was in his face. That guy was a sound bite machine and has a body the size of a full-grown rhinoceros. Step away from the buffet coach. Please.

So, who were the teams that bored us with their inept football ways? Here they are:

Miami, the Raiders, Chiefs, Jacksonville, Texans, Titans, Buffalo, Browns, Steelers, and Broncos. I think that’s everybody. I may have forgotten somebody. But does it matter? The answer is no. Jacksonville and the Texans had a shot at the playoffs but came up short. The Titans—who started off the season losing a batch of games in a row—came back at the end of the season and had a slight chance at making the playoffs. But when the final whistle blew it was a no-go.

The Browns have been horrible for decades and will continue to be horrible for decades. The Steelers—the reigning Super Bowl Champs—delivered a perfectly shitty product this season that had Jack Lambert knocking out his choppers once again. The Bills and Dolphins are lousy and fully incapable of playing football on a professional level, period. The Chiefs were horrible this year. As usual. And the Raiders? Sure they had a decent defense but they suck and Al Davis sucks even more. That old fart needs to take a dirt nap or retire. He’s a disease. And the Broncos? Well, at the beginning of the season people were singing their praises. I was one of those that didn’t and was waiting for them to shit in their bed. And guess what? They did. A giant steamer that floated across this football land and beyond. Call me Ishmael. Call me Nostrareno.

Well, that’s it. That’s how it went down. Next stop: Miami. Colts v. Saints.

Watch it.

Order pizza and drink beer.

After all it’s a National Holiday.

Cheers, folks.

TAGS: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

RENO J. ROMERO was born in the badlands of El Sereno, California. A bona fide Las Vegan, he also lived in the dirty South for three miserable years, where he was introduced to depression, grits, humidity, and sweet tea. A graduate of UNLV, the Southern Nevada Writing Project, and seedy bars, he enjoys Chinese food, Tamron Hall, the Trickster, and football. He currently writes poetry, short fiction, and creative nonfiction from the California desert, living among rattlesnakes, old bones, and biker speed. He's been published in various publications including Falling From the Sky (short story anthology), Celebrity Poets, and Central Speak. He can be reached at [email protected]

55 responses to “Saints, Colts, and Kim Kardashian: The 2009-2010 NFL Season”

  1. Greg Olear says:

    Was just hankering for a Reno football wrap-up. Well done, sir.

    I might add: the Jets were winning at the half, in Indy, with the rookie QB. I think they could have beaten the Saints or the Vikes next weekend. Surprise, surprise.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      you’re right, greg, the jets did have them at the half. i thought they had a chance to pull it off. peyton is just too damn good that’s all. he’s been doing this type of thing for years. watch out for the jets next year. sure, teams will be hunting them, but they have a good coach and have potential. we’ll see. take care, sir.

    • Phat B says:

      If the Jets offensive line (comprised of a few ex-Patriots, oddly enough) came to play for Peyton Manning the Colts would win every super bowl. That offensive line is a beast I haven’t seen since Orlando Pace was young and on the Rams. Instead of 2 yards and a cloud of dust, it was 6 yards and a cloud of dust, all season long.

  2. Amanda says:

    Reno!

    And here I thought I was going to head into Superbowl weekend without your season round-up! Long time no write. Phew! Welcome back.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      amanda-

      say, how are you? no, i wouldn’t let you head into SB weekend w/o opening up my big mouth. trust me, after the season is over i probably won’t have anything “sport” to talk about. well, maybe some MMA stuff, but we’ll see. anyhow, don’t get stuck in the kitchen making cookies and whatnot. get on the couch, grab some grub and a beverage and watch them go at it. thanks for reading, amanda.

  3. Thank god you’re back.

    I know nothing about football, but your commentary is fucking funny.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      megan-

      thanks again for them lame (on my part) i-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-i’m-doing phone calls. you have the patience of a…tree? i dunno. thanks anyhow, nico. you’re neato. glad that i can make you laugh. hey, what’s that i hear? reo speedwagon? shit…

      • Dude, I don’t what was up with REO Speedwagon. It was as though I was being cosmically taunted by someone who looks as though their face was constructed from a dried apple and panty-hose.

        • Reno Romero says:

          let the truth be told: i had some sticky fumblings w/ some gal while reo was blasting through some cheap k-mart speakers. her name? who knows. doesn’t really matter now. anyhow, i was in 9th grade and doing my best to GET SOME! it all panned out and that night i was a king. so here’s to reo! and here’s to you: time for me to fly…

          later, rockstar.

          turn it up to 11,
          r

  4. Richard Cox says:

    Ah, yes. Football the way it should truly be written. Great post, dude.

    Oh, how I love to hate anything related to Buddy Ryan. Including his blowhard son. I never cared one way or another for the Jets but now I have a reason.

    And as a dyed-in-the-blue Cowboy fan, I don’t care at all for the “America’s Team” moniker. Sure, we have a big (read: bandwagon) following but so do the Raiders. Also, I concur with your phone caller that we’ll probably never win a Super Bowl with Captain Kangaroo at the helm. I mean Coach Cupcake. I mean the StayPuft Marshmallow Man. Whatever.

    But I’m going to hope for it anyway. The Super Bowl is in our stadium next year. If we could somehow make it to the big game…so, so sublime.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      say, richard. you know, i thought the cowboys were gonna go into minnesota and take them out. really. i was floored by the score. i could believe my eyes. the highlights told me what happened. anyhow, the cowboys, in my opinion, have what it takes to win a SB soon. romo is good and SHOULD get better. but you know how things go in the NFL: who was good this year doesn’t mean a damn next year. ah, the mystery of it all…

      thanks for reading, sir. take care and i’ll do the same.

    • Greg Olear says:

      The ‘Boys won’t win squat until they get rid of Romo (great when it doesn’t count, awful under pressure) and Grown Up Ralph Wiggum at head coach.

      Would also help if one of the running backs dated a Kardashian sister.

      • Reno Romero says:

        squat! ha! geez, greg. too funny. do you really think he won’t make a serious run at the big game in his cute i-hump-blondes career?

        • Phat B says:

          The prevailing theory round my parts is that Tony “No Homo” Romo ate a baby in a past life, or participated in some other form of recreational cannibalism, and is therefore cursed by Karma for the rest of this particular lifetime.

      • Richard Cox says:

        I agree Romo has been besieged by nerves (as well as a bit of misfortune) thus far, but this year I think he showed vast improvement, especially in most of the big games he played, and next year he could do even better.

        I wish I had as much confidence in that Michelin Man head coach.

  5. Matt says:

    *Sigh*

    The Chargers loss to the Jets was just sad. First football game I ever go to and that’s what I get to see?

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      geez. sorry about that, matt. that sucks. i like the chargers and up until recently would make the drive down to SD to see them play. but it seems to me they made it hard on themselves in this one. penalties, missed opportunities, etc. but maybe the jets were that good. i guesss it doesn’t matter now. it’s just that the chargers DO have the colts’ number. at least in the last few years. i thought they were going to the SB. well, until next year. get tickets when the the chiefs come to town. that should put a smile on your face. cheers, bro.

      • Matt says:

        Yeah, they kinda played like ass on that last game. A noble defeat would be fine, I could have walked away from that without a problem, but that loss was one stop short of ignominious disgrace.

        Oh well. There’s always next year.

        Now let’s hope the Padres get it in gear for the coming season. Last time I went to see them, those bastards didn’t even bother to score.

  6. Phat B says:

    You had me at Colts and Kim Kardashian.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      phat b!

      hey, man!!!!!!

      wait! is that a pic of that golfer? that mexican dude? what’s his name? rodriguez? ha! hey, the colts, man. peyton is a football god. i’m not a colt fan, but i love him. and kim? i just started watching the show and immediately noticed that kim girl. i didn’t know of her until a month ago. yikes! i hope you’re doing well, phat b. next time i’m in L.A let’s get together for some city shenanigans. you in?

      • Phat B says:

        You got good eyes. That is a pic I took of Chi Chi Rodriguez at the US open last year. Chi Chi is a riot, even at 89 years old (or however old he is). I’m always down for L.A. based shenanigans. We could get tanked and try to pick up a Kardashian.

        • Reno Romero says:

          ha! i knew it was that dude. he’s a character. great choice, man. you got taste, phat b. take care, brother.

          (look out for kim and those…those…)

  7. Irene Zion says:

    Reno,
    I have really missed your curly little head.
    I don’t know anything about football though, so I have nothing to say about that.
    Sorry.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      hey. i missed you, too. i’m back. sorry it took so long. i was lost, but now i’m found (i think). next year come to L.A in the fall and we’ll watch a game together. wings. coke (or your choice of beverage–whiskey?). pizza. burritos. whatever. i’ll guide the way. bye, irene. thanks for reading.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Oh Reno, I could never drink anything brown, but I’ll absolutely go for pizza and burritos!
        I’m glad you’re found and I’m glad the cat-scratch fever didn’t do you in!
        (I also don’t know who the Kim girl with the big breasts is. I must not get around.)

  8. Zara Potts says:

    I second Megan, R. I know nothing about sport at all, but your commentary is bad ass. I wish you would be a commentator on TV. I wish you could be on the TV all the time. You could commentate sports, news, weather – oh anything, and the world would be happier and a better place.

  9. Reno J. Romero says:

    z-

    ahh, you’re so nice. i love football. it’s a disease. really, it is. too bad when you get to L.A the season will be long gone. but perhaps we can find other stuff to do. perhaps, take jumping pictures? thanks. my next post has your name in it. so keep an eye out. have a great day, my friend.

  10. Lenore says:

    reno, football is for sluts.

  11. Reno Romero says:

    hi, lenore. i am a slut. i think you know this. don’t think bad of me. see you at the fifty yard line. i’ll be the whore in heavy make-up and showing by butt crack. i’m a keeper, what can i say?

  12. […] should be noted that this post was inspired by this one over here…check it […]

  13. Damn it, you make me want to know more about American football than I do, Reno. Stupid lousy non-having-it country that I live in…

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      american football is delicious, sir. but the season is almost done. boo-hoo. perhaps, one day you can make it to the states in the fall and we can catch a game or twenty. take care, bro.

  14. Erika says:

    Reno another great football round up! They need to get rid of those slouches on ESPN and put you on …well only during football b/c I know that’s what you would prefer. Anyhow all too funny I don’t know what to say being you know how my football season ended. Now I’m on team Saints. Let’s hope Kardashian brings some luck to her man unlike another blonde I won’t mention.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      erika-

      hello. i’m so sorry about your cowboys. what a way to end the season! but hey, the way i see it it’s going to be tough to beat the peyton and the colts. i like the vikings, but them losing to the saints saved them the humiliation of losing their 5th super bowl. hey, thanks for reading. btw: it was a beautiful day in vegas today wasn’t it? or is it always beautiful in the neon metropolis.

  15. You know I love this post, bro. Did you write a college piece too? I’ve been up to my eyeballs in football for months. And now I have to go through the break up again.

    Spot on.

    Though I love to piss people off saying “America’s Team,” even though the Cowboys aren’t. And I still hate our quarterback. Romo bores me.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      ha! bores you! i don’t know where the whole “america’s team” came from, but no matter what people say they ARE “america’s team!” i dunno. it’s just the way it is. anyhow, it will stick forever. thanks for reading, man. oh: no college post. i don’t watch college ball much (hey, i graduated from UNLV–we don’t win). take care.

  16. jmblaine says:

    Thank God
    Reno is here.
    The folks back home are giddy
    and fleur de lis are out of stock
    and one old friend is certain
    it’s all a ruse to boost
    poor old New Orleans’
    post-hurricane dilemma.

    Life is weird man.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      11! hey, my man. i’m alive. barely, but still kicking. how are you? i promise to get up and running on these pages at a steady pace. i’ll catch up on your stuff. wait! i still haven’t forgot about our collaboration. so when you find the time, drop me a note. take care my friend and i’ll do the same.

  17. Steve says:

    Nostrareno 🙂

    It’s GREAT to see you back my friend! ! ! ESPN could use you for football(Live on tape delay) but as usual you put a great view into perspective. I kneel befor you Humbled for Football is 1 of my escapes, and the other is fishing and that we shall deal with that at another time. Go Saints 🙂 !

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      heh. espn would have to put me on tape delay because i have a horrible mouth. you’ve heard it first hand. you know. anyhow, nice to be back and even nicer that you took out the time to read my latest football rant. let’s go fishing, steve. coors light and trout. oh, yes.

  18. Jim Lyons says:

    I’ll take Kim over NASCAR, baseball, basketball and hockey any day.
    Cheers Reno!!

  19. josie says:

    dang it, rj.

    when you gonna write something i like to read?

    you know i don’t speak sports.

    but i love you anyways.

    xo, jr

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      me, too. she’s neat looking. well, sir, i’m jealous because you get sports all year round. depression is here! well, i have MMA. not too shabby. later, my man.

    • Reno J. Romero says:

      sorry, jos. it’s my disease.

      i love you, too.

      see you under the volcano…

  20. New Orleans Lady says:

    Yay, Reno! I’ve been waiting to hear your thoughts on the season! Can you believe it?!! It’s gonna be Black and Gold Superbowl after all! WHO DAT, BABY! I’m so freakin’ excited that words cannot express. For the first time in my life I actually cried watching football.

    There I was, on my knees in my father’s house, covering my eyes with the bottom half of my lucky BREES jersey and I hear it…the roar of my beloved DOME. My heart stopped, time stood still, I couldn’t breathe. I was thinking, “Did the kid just do it?! He did! And look at his face, he suprised the hell out of himself!” And then came the tears…I always knew I would be thrilled if the SAINTS ever made it to the SB but tears? Yep, tears.

    This mass jumble of thoughts are proof that I am still so excited that I can’t think straight! And I don’t care how great that golden boy Manning is, he’s going down. The SAINTS are going to win this year. because we have the best football team in the league and also because…

    “it’s our time. our time down here.” ~Mikey from Goonies

    • josie says:

      HOly Hannah, NOL!
      Like Lenore says, “I wish there was a button” to mark how much I like this comment.

      LIKE!!!

      • New Orleans Lady says:

        Thanks, Josie!!

        Oh and Reno, We have the SAINTS and Kim Kardashian. She can be seen walking hand in hand with Reggie through the streets of NOLA on game days.

        • Reno J. Romero says:

          new orleans lady-

          hey, there. you guys did it! the saints had a fabulous year and it was so cool seeing them kick ass this year. they earned it. they won week after week. and now it’s all about miami. i’d love to see the saints win. it would be a happening victory. truly. and if there’s a team that can score w/ indy it’s the saints. they have to run the ball and play good D. get peyton running. he’s SO damn good it’s a must they get him on the run. trust me: i’m no colt fan. but i’m a football fan and peyton is pretty damn good. it’s so on!

          thanks for reading. i appreciate this. next sunday i’ll be watching. and i know you will too. wear black, NOL. wear gold. wear black and gold. good luck and congrats on one hell of a year. cheers.

          hut one,
          reno

  21. D.R. Haney says:

    Reno! You’re back! Thank God.

    I think you should be appointed the TNB Sports Editor. No need for one? Yes, there is, damnit! It’ll mean regular posts from Reno!

    — Haney

  22. Reno J. Romero says:

    hello there, haney.

    i am back.

    just for you.

    i hope my lovely text messages brighten up your day.

    you brighten up my day.

    thanks for reading, good sir. i’ll be in touch. we WON’T wait for this xmas to show its candy cane face to meet up again. i’ll see you soon. look out for me. i’ll be the jerk-off goosing lenore.

  23. […] RENO J. ROMERO: Just football […]

  24. ps1 says:

    ps1…

    […]Reno J. Romero | Saints, Colts, ans Kim Kardashian: The 2009-2010 NFL Season | The Nervous Breakdown[…]…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *