You’re So Hot I Want to Eat Your Underwear

Right when we got into the store I realized I forgot my phone in the car. On my way back to the car I noticed a good looking woman getting out of her car which was parked next to mine. She opened her trunk and started shuffling things around, her perfume moving through the parking lot. By the time you’ve reach my advanced age there’s no reason to gawk when you see something pleasant. You’ve seen thousands of good looking women in your day.

It’s not a big deal.

Not anymore.

I was walking behind her when I noticed this old feller sitting in his truck that had a faded NRA sticker on his back window. He saw the woman and his eyes bugged out of his head. He wasn’t discrete and ran his ancient eyes up and down her body. When she got to the side of his truck he used his side mirror to get some more. When she got to the other side of his truck he used the passenger side mirror to get even more. He still wasn’t satisfied and got out of his truck, lifted the hood, and acted like he was fiddle-faddling with the engine so he could watch her enter the store. The fucker shook his head in amazement and licked his lips.

No lie.

He licked his lips.

It was both sick and terribly sad.

I wanted to blow his dick off with a shotgun. I wanted to light an M-80 and tape it to his jerk-off hand. I found my friend who was looking at a painting with a pig jumping into a lake. I told her what I saw.

“Really?” she said, looking at me like if I lost my mind. “Poor old man. He probably has some bitchy wrinkled wife at home. If that’s the case you can’t blame him, right? Don’t get too disgusted, babe. That’s gonna be your ass in a few years.”

Nino’s Shit Pie

I like watching food shows. After spending too many years in the restaurant business I came to appreciate the art of cooking. At one point I even contemplated going to culinary school, but the thought of being around packs of bitchy whiny “chefs” for even ten minutes depressed me. So, I ditched the idea and got an English degree. Can’t say it was a better decision. I was still surrounded by bitchy whiny people. The only difference was I didn’t reek of poached eggs and sea bass when the day was done. I reeked of Kafka and Goblin Markets.

The last year I’ve watched a lot of TV. NATGEO. A&E. ESPN. The History Channel. The Food Network. The Travel Channel. I’m hooked on the Travel Channel. I’ve seen everything it dishes out at least twice.

I’ve watched hours of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. Zimmern spans the globe eating things most people won’t. Frog hearts. Lamb eyeballs. Balls. Brains. Bugs. Porcupine. Lizards. Tuna sperm. Spiders and snake dick just to name a few. If you can stomach watching Andrew pop disgusting or “exotic” food in his gaping mouth (he actually does “pop” the food in his mouth and smacks when he chews), and the sight of a fat bald American wearing pastel-colored shirts then this show’s for you.

I’m a big fan of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations. He’s a lush, a jackass, and a pretty good writer. It seems to me that people either love or hate him. He doesn’t wear pastel-colored shirts, but sports equally ugly button shirts, wiry gray hair, scuffed boots, and a lone earring in his left ear. Really, Bourdain? One earring in your left ear? Are we still doing the left-ear-I’m-straight thing? Jesus Christ. Throw that shit away. Or give it to your niece.

I don’t care much for Rachel Ray. Too cheesy. When she hits the tube I tune into ESPN and watch the always bitter Skip Bayless defend white athletes and stir it up on First and Ten.

I like Samantha Brown, but I don’t watch her show much. I think it’s because she looks like a girl I once dated. The apparent differences are that Samantha has a pleasant disposition, smiles, travels the world, and doesn’t have a thing for wearing fuck me boots.

I’ve seen every episode of Man v. Food. Yeah, I know, the show is stupid. But I like stupid entertainment. The reasons why I like Mike Myers films are the same reasons why I can sit through hours watching Adam Richman eating giant burritos and burgers. I’ve seen him go from a husky dude from New York to a bloated dude from New York. According to Wikipedia he exercises twice a day while on the road. I doubt it. If you like cheap surface entertainment then check out Man v. Food. It’s awesome.

There are other shows.

Food Wars (hosted by a pretty girl named Camille Ford).

Carnivore Chronicles.

Hot Dog Paradise.

Bacon Paradise.

So on and so forth.

One day I saw a special on pizza. It was called Pizza Paradise. The show went across the country showcasing the best pizza in the land. Now, I don’t come from N.Y or Chicago so pizza is just pizza to me. Meat, cheese, and sauce slapped on some cardboard. Chuck on some veggies for some color and there you go: pizza.

So I was floored when some tacky jerk-off named Nino Selimaj of Nino’s Bellissima sold a 12-inch pizza that costs $1,000. Yes, you heard right: $1,000! But you won’t get greasy Italian meats and diced veggies on this pizza. Lord no. This silly asshole plops down caviar and thinly sliced lobster on his pizza. But wait! Not only do you have the luxury of shelling out $1,000 and sinking your choppers into what appears to be a really shitty-tasting pizza, but Nino himself (decked out in a suit, oily slicked back hair, and tanned wrists wrapped in mafia gold) will deliver his pizza to you in person!

Oh, joy.

Really, Nino? Will you do that for me?

Fuck.

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RENO J. ROMERO was born in the badlands of El Sereno, California. A bona fide Las Vegan, he also lived in the dirty South for three miserable years, where he was introduced to depression, grits, humidity, and sweet tea. A graduate of UNLV, the Southern Nevada Writing Project, and seedy bars, he enjoys Chinese food, Tamron Hall, the Trickster, and football. He currently writes poetry, short fiction, and creative nonfiction from the California desert, living among rattlesnakes, old bones, and biker speed. He's been published in various publications including Falling From the Sky (short story anthology), Celebrity Poets, and Central Speak. He can be reached at [email protected]

34 responses to “Little Calamities from the Desert Front: Volume #1”

  1. Angela Gulledge says:

    You’re a genius man! I love you! Come take me away from all this!!!

    • Reno Romero says:

      Angela:

      Ahh, you’re very kind indeed. Okay, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: when do you want me to pick you up and what do I wear?

      Banana Hammock,
      Reno

  2. Corky Smith says:

    Best thing I’ve read all week.

  3. Man, it is the little calamities, isn’t it?

    Silly assholes run rampant on the Food Network, but I agree there’s something cool about Anthony Bourdain. He wheels out those interesting turns of phrase and I think he likes to wear that earring to keep people guessing.

    The silly assholes are everywhere else too. Thanks for calling them out, and for always coming in from somewhere just under the radar.

    • Reno Romero says:

      Nathaniel:

      Yes, there are batched of b-holes on those food channels. Especially that gruesome bastard that does Dinner: Impossible. If that asshole talked to me the way he talks to his workers I’d stab him. Period.

      Bourdain is pretty cool. Sure, he’s an arrogant ass, but in a weird way it’s kinda amusing. Now, he night give reach-arounds on the quiet, but the dude is married to some hot woman with pitch-black hair. I think she comes from some wee island off of Italy or something like that.

      Anyhow.

      Thanks for reading, sir. You are da man.

  4. Irene Zion says:

    Hi Reno,

    I didn’t know the earring in the left ear wink.
    Since it’s not in style anymore, I don’t know why it matters, but it’s good to know stuff.
    One of my sons watches the cooking shows all the time.
    But he and another one of my sons cook up that stuff they see on TV all the time.
    His wife is happy, since she doesn’t cook.
    A lot of people don’t cook nowadays.
    I don’t know why.
    I think it’s silly.
    Cooking is fun.

    • Reno Romero says:

      Irene:

      Cooking shows are great. I love them and have been watching them for years. My granny and I used to watch this cooking show with this old Cajun man who used to eat ice cream or sherbet at the end of his show. He was hysterical.

      I love to cook and have stolen gobs of dishes from those shows. My ex-wife didn’t cook so she was also happy. I hope Mr. Newguy cooks. If not she’s eating cereal for the rest of her days.

      Thanks!

      Beans and Burned Rice,
      Beano Reno

  5. James D. Irwin says:

    I keep seeing adverts for Man Versus Food, but we have very basic cable so as much as I’d love to, I can’t watch a dude eat a cheeseburger the size of a European hatchback…

    That lobster pizza sounds like a waste of at least two good foodstuffs. There’s a petrol station down the end of my road that sells pizza for a few of our English pounds. Some of the best pizza I’ve had outside of Italy…

    I feel kind of bad for the guy in the car. Poor bastard.

    • Reno Romero says:

      James:

      Sup, man! Yeah, Man v. Food is silly. But like I wrote it’s cheap entertainment. You don’t have to invest too much. I don’t like to invest too much so it’s perfect for my taste. Nino is a Five-Star dickhead. And even though I think this $1,000 pizza is a publicity stunt, he’s a fucking asshole for even thinking of something so lame. I hate him.

      You know, I kinda felt bad for the old man, too. But only for a second. He really went out of his way to visually violate that poor woman. It was sick. It was creepy. Okay, later, James. Thanks for reading and the commenting.

      RR

  6. mutterhals says:

    The first anecdote reminds me of this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J47iIE6QmPM

  7. I love Man vs. Food.

    It is like food porn watching Adam Richman eat giant heart attack inducing foods and drooling over food I am not allowed to eat everyday. I think he is Ron Jermy of the food network.

    • Reno Romero says:

      patrick:

      man v. food! yes, it is a good show. i think adam has a great gig: get to travel the country and eat stacks of food. what’s not to like, you know? there is no doubt he is the ron jeremy of the foodie shows (shit, i wish i was). take care.

  8. pixy says:

    my “in the closet” mini-obsession when i have cable is HGTV because they sometimes make pretty things, but mostly make ugly things and i like knowing how ugly things are made. my HGTV girlfriend is sofie allsop. mainly because she has a british accent and seems like one of those girls who gets unbuttoned when she’s unbuttoned… “wink wink, nudge nudge, knowhatimean, knowhatimean?”

    otherwise my tv is locked on TCM because there are no commercials.

    • Reno Romero says:

      pixy:

      ah, HGTV. i know that allsop lady.

      ‘unbuttoned when she’s unbuttoned.’

      oh, that’s a good line. i must still it pixy.

      thanks for reading.

  9. Amanda says:

    So good it needs numbering to keep it all straight as I reply:

    1. perfume should never, ever move through the parking lot, ha!

    2. my mom and dad have a print of that pig jumping into a lake hanging over their fireplace…no joke

    3. it breaks my heart that you can’t see my cooking show in America, because while it’s no snake dick entree or snail cock surprise, we DO prepare a whole splake, offer to let our dinner guests pet its gills first, and show them a video of the hens that pooped out the eggs we served hard-boiled with the salad course

    heh

    • Reno Romero says:

      amanda!

      YOU are so funny.

      ok, here we go:

      1. no perfume should never move through the parking lot. can’t say the woman packed it on. i just have a great sniffer. i could smell anything. i’m like a blood hound.

      2. you let them pet the gills! ha! shit, i dunno if i could have pet the gills but i’m thrilled to know you like seafood/fish. i love fish and don’t eat enough of it. wait! i like hens, but not when they poop. eggs or no eggs.

      3. xoxo on this delicious tuesday morning.

  10. Jim Lyons says:

    Reno, my love for the Food Network is not what it once was, but will always hold a place in my heart.
    HGTV, for some odd reason, I could watch 24/7. Mike Holmes is a baaddd mutha fucker!

    • Reno Romero says:

      lyons:

      sad to say that i still like food network. but not as much as i used to be. it’s kinda like an old marriage. i like that diners, dive-ins, and dives. now, that guy dude annoys me because he always tells the chef/cook and the audience what the fuck is going on. it’s like: “yeah, asshole we know that you know food. big deal.” but guy went to UNLV so that might be the problem. thoughts?

  11. Judy Prince says:

    Reno j, what a great grin you gave me through this whole thing! I have absolutely no knowledge of the tv shows you mention but your descriptions were hilarious.

    I love that you chose the English degree over chef-ing, and still ended up with bitchy whiny people. And that old man’s intense complex ogling the woman was marvelous funny.

    Volume II!

    pepperoni and cheese on cardboard,

    Judy

    • Reno Romero says:

      Judy My Love!

      Oh my god, Judy, if you would have seen this old feller getting his rocks off you would have wanted to kill him. Now, here’s the deal: she was good-looking, no doubt. She smelled good and had all the right parts in the right places. I wouldn’t have kicked her out of bed. Oh, no! But this was a bit too much. Even for me. And of you make a sick b-hole like me sick then you’ve went to far. Way! I really wanted to walk up to him, tell his ass to fucking relax, to leave her alone for the love of god! But I didn’t. I should have though. I really should have. Bastard.

      Volume II is roaming around. Just have to snatch it out of the air. Thanks for reading, Judy.

      Ant Sperm and Oreos,
      Reno

  12. Tawni Freeland says:

    Eeeew. He licked his lips while he checked out the girl? So gross. I can’t even talk about it anymore.

    I also can’t watch Andrew Zimmern eat balls and brains. My husband loves that show, so I have to read a book on the couch if he puts it on. I love Anthony Bourdain, but I agree about the earring. Time to let it go, Tony. I also have to turn the channel if he’s witnessing the butchering of an animal. Too much for this sensitive girl.

    Adam Richman was filming in Tulsa this week. We heard that he doesn’t do the eating contests anymore. I bet he got his cholesterol numbers back from the lab.

    This was so entertaining, Reno. You’re fun. I’ll watch television with you anytime. (:

    • Reno Romero says:

      tawni:

      you’re hubby knows what’s up. tony is solid entertainment. i really do like him. but the earring? eh. i just don’t like jewelry on men. note anything metal. maybe silver. but in very, very, very small doses. gold reminds me of jersey shore and i’ve never seen the show.

      it simply gives me the willys.

      wait! yes, the old dude licked his lips. LICKED HIS LIPS! it was baaaaad. but what are you gonna do? maybe my friend was right. he might have had some old wrinkled bat back at the shack and this was his pleasure. in that case, i’m a heartless scumbag. nevertheless, i wanted to take a shotgun to his crotch and end the misery. mine and his.

      we carry on, tawni. oh, lord, we carry on…

      RR

  13. TammyAlen says:

    I wonder if Adam Richman has a spit bucket. Tasty Shit Reno.

  14. Paula Austin says:

    Stand back Angela, this guy is worth fighting for! He had me from the line on the shotgun and the M-80. Not only is he a genius, but he’s got what makes a girl’s blood run hot.

    Banana Hammock, what to wear? “Surprise me!” You know that Angela’s just playing you.

  15. Reno Romero says:

    Paula:

    Hey, Paula! Heh, this is a very dear comment. Thanks. Funny, too. I like funny. Yeah, Paula, you may be right: Angela might be playing me. Oh, well. What do you do? Well, I’m glad the shotgun and M-80 passage worked for you. But trust me I really did feel that way. Now, would I act on it? Probably not. I’m not into killing folk. Not my style. But perhaps a solid kick in the balls would have satisfied me. It’s a mystery. Well, thank you kindly for reading my stuff and taking out the time to leave a comment. Take care, Paula.

    Okay,
    Reno

  16. Paula Austin says:

    ….ahhh, to appeal to the female heart with a spirit of “chivalry” so rare in the male species today. What a breath of fresh air. Strumming my heart strings…..

    What do I do? I am an assassin….

    Ciao,
    paula

    • Reno Romero says:

      Paula!

      Wow, hey, an assassin? Interesting. I can’t say I ever heard a woman refer to themselves as an assassin. I likey. So what do you do? I dunno. Can’t say. But you know where to find me. I’m around these boards (have been a writer for TNB from day one). Wait! Facebook! I have one of those suckers, too. Look me up and we’ll share notes on the crazy things we see “out there.” You know, forgetful food servers, the dollar store (that’s always a hoot to walk into). All that. Until then, Paula, thanks again for the kind comments. You’re too nice. Have yourself a great weekend.

      Double Ciao,
      Reno

  17. Red says:

    I’m all snuggled up in bed, slowly peeling what’s left of last nights face off my pillow, I reach for my glasses, and my phone. I vaguely remember you telling me last night that you’ve posted a few new pieces, and I recall laughing…. A lot. I also remember your mullet. This vision is crystal clear. As I search through facebook, I find you. My eyes are still glued at the ends as I begin to read. Your voice is my narration, and it makes me laugh all the more! Great way to start my morning. End of story.

  18. josie says:

    jes,

    Bourdain’s the bomb!
    and yes, that phrase is as dated as his earring.

    beware the boob tube, buddy
    that thing’s addictive!

    peace, love, and pastels
    jos

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