November 21, 2009
What’s the meanest thing you have ever done?
Christ. I haven’t done it yet. But since I daydream about it so often, I guess I can just put it out there: I intend to find my paternal grandmother’s ashes and piss on them. Twice. I told my dad about this. He thinks it’s pretty ambitious.
Married someone I only half-liked.
Have you ever shoplifted?
Yes. It used to be what me and my girlfriends did after school. We planned the stores we were going to hit, the way regular people decide where they’re going to eat. “No, I’m not in the mood to go to Marshall’s. Let’s go to Payless instead.” Terrible. We were on the honor roll, too. Which is funny, the way Catholic school kids on heroin is funny.
The one time I got caught was at Stater Bros.’ grocery store. I stole a box of Jell-O Pudding Pops. I went to juvie for it. So embarrassing (although not half as bad as my uncle who got busted for stealing a Thigh Master.)
How do you find time to write with five children?
I wait until everyone is asleep. Then I try to pound out as many poems as possible, which is why I honestly can’t remember writing some of my own poems. I’ll come across one on the computer and assume my boo wrote it.
It’s made clear through your poems that you are obsessed with three main topics: Bestiality, Mermaid Abuse, and Parental Hate. Anything else you want to include?
No, that pretty much covers it. Although, I should put out there, I do not hate my dad. He’s come a long way. We both have. My mother, however, can go ahead and get chomped down by a dinosaur for all I care. I’ll always have issues with mermaids because I am filled with ocean envy (I am afraid of it, therefore love it.) Bestiality has always amused me. I’ll just leave it at that.
Well, now I have to ask – If you had to have sex with any animal, what would it be?
Heh, “had.” Okay. So, if I had to have sex with an animal, it would be a giant dog. Like a Great Dane or Mastiff. Or one of those Scottish dogs … what is that breed? With a mustache? And they look good in Sherlock Holmes hats? The breed escapes me. I’ll come back to that later.