Lists.

We all make them.

We couldn’t verily live without them.

Things we need from Rite Aid.

Demands we want met before submitting to a lie detector test.

Questions we don’t want to forget to ask our parole officer.

Sometimes we’re a part of a list:

Best Looking.

Class Clown.

Most Wanted.

Lists make the world go around.  Or rather, they make the thoughts that go around in our heads become flat and simple like people thought the Earth was before Christopher Columbus set out to prove them wrong.  (I bet he had a doozy of a list prior to his departure: Get burgundy quilted cape cleaned.  Work on pick up lines/gestures for savage Indian women. Pack wine.)

In this vein, my brain took it upon itself to view the carnival that is the race to become the Republican nominee for president through the lens of which rock songs might best symbolize each candidate.  Which rock song might best explain their very essence.

And so I present to you…

 

Ultimately Inappropriate Yet Oddly Fitting 2012 Presidential Campaign Theme Song Suggestions…

(If The Candidates Could Only Choose From The Catalogs of Beastie Boys, Bob Dylan, David Bowie, Queens Of The Stone Age, The Rolling Stones, The Smiths, and The White Stripes [specifically De Stijl].)

 

Beastie Boys

“Stand Together”  (Obama)

“Funky Boss”  (Obama)

“Professor Booty”  (Gingrich)

“In 3s”  (Gingrich)

“Intergalactic”  (Gingrich)

“Tough Guy”  (Gingrich)

“High Plains Drifter ” (Paul)

“B-Boys Making With The Freak-Freak”  (Santorum)

“Pass The Mic”  (Paul)

“Just A Test”  (Paul)

“So What’cha Want”  (Romney)

“Alright Hear This”  (Romney)

“Ricky’s Theme”  (Santorum)

 

Bob Dylan

“Tangled Up In Blue”  (Obama)

“I Want You”  (Romney)

“Lay, Lady, Lay”  (Santorum or Gingrich)

“Idiot Wind”  (Gingrich or Santorum)

“Ballad Of A Thin Man”  (Paul)

“Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again”  (Paul)

“Pledging My Time”  (Obama)

“Rainy Day Women #12 and 35”  (Gingrich)

 

David Bowie

“It Ain’t Easy”  (Obama)

“Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)”  (Gingrich)

“Moonage Daydream”  (Paul)

“Cracked Actor”  (Romney)

“Boys Keep Swinging”  (Santorum)

“Aladdin Sane”  (Santorum)

 

Queens of The Stone Age

“You Can’t Quit Me, Baby”  (Obama)

“Regular John”  (Romney)

“Give The Mule What He Wants”  (Gingrich)

“Monsters in the Parasol”  (Gingrich)

“I Was a Teenage Hand Model”  (Santorum)

“I Think I Lost My Headache”  (Paul)

 

The Rolling Stones

“Stupid Girl”  (Santorum)

“Under My Thumb”  (Gingrich)

“Tumbling Dice”  (Paul)

“Jigsaw Puzzle”  (Romney)

“Prodigal Son”  (Obama)

“Turd on the Run”  (Gingrich/Santorum)

“Live with Me”  (Gingrich)

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”  (Romney)

“Before They Make Me Run”  (Paul)

“Can’t You Hear Me Knocking”  (Romney)

“Bitch”  (Santorum)

“Little T&A”  (Santorum)

“Paint It Black”  (Obama)

 

The Smiths

“These Things Take Time”  (Obama)

“What Difference Does It Make”  (Paul)

“The Headmaster Ritual”  (Gingrich)

“Bigmouth Strikes Again”  (Gingrich/Santorum/Romney)

“The Boy With The Thorn In His Side”  (Romney)

“Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want”  (Romney)

“Vicar In A Tutu”  (Santorum)

 

The White Stripes – De Stijl

“Let’s Build A Home”  (Obama)

“Your Southern Can Is Mine”  (Gingrich)

“Why Can’t You Be Nicer To Me?”  (Romney)

“I’m Bound To Pack It Up”  (Paul)

“You’re Pretty Good Looking (For A Girl)”  (Santorum)

 

Honorable mentions:

“Pigs” – Cypress Hill  (Limbaugh)

“Tales From The Forest Of Gnomes” – Wolfmother  (Republican Party)

“Custard Pie” – Led Zeppelin  (Democratic Party)

“Surfing On A Rocket” – Air  (Gingrich)

“I Walk The Line” – Johnny Cash  (Obama)

“I Never Loved A Man (The Way That I Love You)” – Aretha Franklin  (Santorum)

“I’ve Got My Ascot and My Dickey” – The Upper Crust  (Romney)

“Autonomy” – The Buzzcocks  (Paul)

 

Clearly there are about a thousand equally delightful and applicable songs that would work for each of these candidates, but that’s the stuff of another’s list.  I encourage you to compile your own. Focusing on lists of things takes the sting out of the bigger picture and makes the task at hand infinitely more palatable. Thanks for reading mine.

Off I go now. Preparing for a family reunion. Need to go compile a list of positive vs. negative characteristics I’ve got in common with each family member/match up the coinciding muscle relaxers.

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RACHEL POLLON was born and bred in Los Angeles, California. Her working life has consisted of stints as a writers' assistant on Frasier, and as a writers assistant on shows starring John Stamos and Pamela Anderson. Not together. But you never know what the future will bring. She also spent some time in the music business, working with an array of terrific and talented musicians, and script supervised a tour for a legendary musical icon/actress/director/funny girl. Rachel thinks dropping names is unbecoming (with the exception of John and Pam) and is hopeful that in time what she's got to say will be more interesting than who she proofed scripts for. She's done some writing for the world wide web. And her essay "Change For A Ten" appeared in the book THE BEAUTIFUL ANTHOLOGY. This picture is a few years old but she's pretty uncomfortable in front of a camera so she's not going to bother updating it right now. That's her dog Theo. He looks about the same.

15 responses to “Ultimately Inappropriate Yet Oddly Fitting 2012 Presidential Campaign Theme Song Suggestions…”

  1. James D. Irwin says:

    I wanted Michelle Bachmann and Ted Turner to run together…

  2. Polly says:

    LOVE this list – chock full of wit and wisdom, Rachel Pollon! Unfortunately, the Republican carnival continues. Fortunately, when I hear song titles now, I will categorize them by dude. 🙂

    • Rachel Pollon says:

      Thank you, Pollykins! And, yes, the song title game will surely soften the blow that is this nomination process.

  3. Zara Potts says:

    Brilliant!
    I want you to be my campaign manager when I stand.

  4. Rachel-
    I think the list should also include classical music selections—just for effect (and to reach the “highbrow Liberal Media” readers):
    Ode to Joy (Obama)
    Dance Macabre (Gingrich)
    Carmina Burana (Santorum)
    Pagliacci (Paul)!!

    Regards to Theo!

  5. Seth Pollins says:

    Nice list(s), Rachel! Do you think any of these bands would actually let the Republican candidates use their songs? Certainly not Dylan, or the Stones, or The Smiths, although Romney is SO Morrissey. Obama, of course, is another story.

    OBAMA 2012!

    • Rachel Pollon says:

      Seth,

      I cannot imagine. But Elton John played Rush Limbaugh’s wedding so you never, ever know. 😉

  6. Alia says:

    Great! The interchangeable “and/or” slashers are my faves. That just sums it up: the on-going Big Mouth Strikes Again factor of this election so far.

    You know who else loved lists, rock n roll…and Republicans? Johnny Ramone:

    http://nymag.com/arts/popmusic/features/johnny-ramone-top-ten-lists/

  7. Rachel Pollon says:

    Oh my gosh, I love that list, Alia! It takes us deep into Mr. Ramone’s mind. Okay, if not deep, at least hovering over the crucial surface part. Glad you liked/appreciated my piece. I was concerned one or more of them might pull out before I got it done, but, lucky me, their egos stayed firmly in tact and no one budged.

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