Dear Lobbyist Bowles,

I recently read about the exciting new venture your organization is embarking on and am very interested in the Social Media position you are no doubt preparing to establish. Having just graduated from the number one party school in the entire southwest, I am eager for an opportunity to get my foot in the door and begin my life in the workforce. Making that happen with a well-established movement such as yours would be a bonus. (Everyone wants some job security these days, am I right?)

Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m willing to try anything, I like to hang out in a group, am constantly on the Internet anyway, and I’m always coming up with classic one-liners. Look no further, I’m your man.

Attached please find my résumé.

As you will see, I was asked for two semesters in a row to be my fraternity’s event planner. This involved many tweets to sororities to ensure hot chicks would show up.  I had to think outside the box.  What do hot chicks want to hear? I’d ask myself.  And then I’d tweet it.

(Example:

“X marks the spot. #imtalkingaboutXtacy”

“Hotgirlz contest. All contestants drink free. #likethedoctorsaid…FreeAtLast”)

 

I’ve taken it upon myself to compose some sample tweets of how I imagine taking your message to the people.  I’m open to direction and collaboration.  My blacksmithing T.A. taught us not to be overly precious about our work.

First off, I’d like to suggest changing your name ever so slightly from The American Nazi Party to The American Nazi Partay.

You’ll also probably want to get out in front of the tired, old perception of your cause and send out a clear message.  Lead the way instead of being a victim of preconceived notions and closed-minded thinking.  People probably think they know you… but do they?

Below are a few sample slogans and talking points—my vision for taking the movement forward.

Let’s keep things separate.
#JustLikeYouDidWithItemsInTheFridgeWithYourCollegeRoommate

Some people don’t like vegetables; we don’t like anyone who isn’t white.
#WeAllCanProbablyAgreeThatZucchiniIsDisgusting

Sometimes we eat chocolate ice cream.
#NotWhileWearingOurWhiteHoodedRobesThatWouldBeReckless

When did cleansing get a bad rap?
#NextToGodliness

We’re not entirely sure anymore what our beef is with the Jews, but it’s tradition.
#CulturalNazis

Hoods not hoodies.
#It’sAStyleChoice

We’re not cowards.
#WeMerelyLikeToWearCostumes

Once you go white you never go back.
#Don’tEvenThinkAboutIt

Nazi rhymes with Yahtzee.
#AlmostAsFun

Nazi rhymes with Potsie.
#ThatGuyOnThatNickAtNiteShowHappyDaysWhoAlthoughIsSuperWhiteDoesNot- IdentifyWithUs

Hate and bile are fear and ignorance turned inside out.
#We’reJustScaredCuddleBunnies

 

This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Mein brain overfloweth with good ideas!

(I had my baseball coach look this over and he pointed out that the KKK wear hoods and robes and have wizards, not Nazis.  My bad.  I threw all you guys in together since ideologically you seem to be on the same page. Just another example of sweeping generalizations and over-arching prejudice…OR happy accident?!  Perhaps going forward you guys can think about joining forces.  TBD at our [hopefully] forthcoming interview.)

Please note: I will be out of town for most of the month of June as I’ll be following Drake on his tour of South America but since most of this type of work can be done from virtually anywhere while doing anything (I’m typing this naked while giving myself a pedicure; I didn’t have to tell you that, but I am to prove a point) it really shouldn’t impact my work.

You’re going to need someone to speak for you, it might as well be me.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Jeff “Let’s Do This” Jefferton

Find me on Twitter at @JLDTJ

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RACHEL POLLON is a native Los Angeleno. Her writing has appeared online at The Nervous Breakdown, The Coachella Review, The Rumpus and The Weeklings, and in paperback form in The Beautiful Anthology and Teen Girls’ Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny. These pieces and more can be found on her website SeismicDrift.com. On Twitter she’s @RachPo and on Instagram @RachPoWills.

11 responses to “ATTN: John Bowles/Lobbyist for American Nazi Party  
RE: Let me be your Social Media Wizard”

  1. A.J. Weiner says:

    With the best jolt, I finally almost fell off my chair laughing when I got to this “Mein brain overfloweth with good ideas!” My simultaneous nausea somehow balanced me out and I kept my seat.

    The highest compliment that I can give any writer, I’m going to give you. This wonderful piece of fiction reminded me of the great Kurt Vonnegut. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK Rach!

    • Rachel Pollon says:

      And that’s why we became superbuds from Camp Summertime on. 😉 Thank you, Adam. You are too kind, but I know you wouldn’t blow any B.S. up my piehole if you didn’t mean it.
      I do believe balancing mixed metaphors, humor, and nausea are the key to a happy life. As Jeff Jefferton would say, (am I really quoting my fictional mouthpiece?) “Let’s do this.” XO

    • Rachel Pollon says:

      Just saw this, thought you might dig. For many reasons. Awesome podcast to begin with, and then there’s Vonnegut…

      http://otherpeoplepod.com/archives/323

  2. Polly says:

    Awesome. All of it. Every line. You were born to Tweet! I sort of feel like this is a Daily Show moment for me – it’s a news story I hadn’t heard, so you’re educating and making me laugh at the same time. Great job!!!

    • Rachel Pollon says:

      Born To Tweet, #mutherFers! (I’m conjuring Stevie from Eastbound and Down a little bit there, do you watch? Holy crud. Goodness.)

      I was actually scanning the last two days of The Daily Show and Colbert on my DVR to see if they covered the matter but as of yesterday they hadn’t. It seems ripe for their usage. Anyway, thank you for your incredibly kind words and I’m very glad that I can make you smarter 😉 and that you dug it. XO!

      (I’m alphabet kissing everyone today, #mutherFers!)

  3. j wexler says:

    Considering how Nazi rhymes (or almost) with Yahtzee, I don’t see how anyone can argue. Very funny Ms. Pollon!!!!

  4. Zara Potts says:

    God, you make me laugh. And I really like that.
    #RachelPollenisagenius

  5. Dana says:

    Awesome! Now how do we make this bad boy go viral?

  6. Rachel Pollon says:

    Aw, thanks, Dana! I have no idea how to make something go viral. I thought it was magic. Is this something we can manipulate? I’m now picturing an actual virus and how it is transmitted. I guess we can try kissing people and not washing our hands. Or, wait, ideas are coming… tweeting it to either Ted Nugent and/or maybe Lawrence O’Donnell could possibly work, also.

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