Guys on Film

By Stacie Adams

Sex

Today I bring you a subject that’s very close to my heart. And by heart I mean sex organs.

I’m a 31 year old heterosexual woman who is appalled by the lack of male nudity in movies. Tits and girl ass are legion in film, and that’s OK, I don’t mind it. But, in the interest of this equality I hear so much about, perhaps we can add some rock hard pectorals and v-shaped abdomens into the mix? Some chiseled male bums? A quick shot of the little guy?

Remember when action movies always had that scene of the anti-hero crying into his refrigerator, or gun, or eight ounce glass of whiskey over his dead dog, or kid, or wife? And remember how in these scenes said anti-hero would always be without pants and have an ass like Michelangelo’s David?

Well, those scenes were put there for women like me. That’s what got women like me out of the house and to the theatre to see some shitty action movie we would have avoided otherwise. I recently saw Battle: LA, because I love disaster flicks, everything from The Last Wave to Independence Day, and let me tell you that film could have used some dick. The manliest thing about it was Michelle Rodriguez and she certainly isn’t packing. There was lots of chest thumping, lots of ‘take one for the team’ pep-talkery, lots of male bonding, but no actual glimpses of protruding maleness, which is my fancy way of saying no dick at all.

I realize an unsheathed dick on film is an instant NC-17 rating, and that means most theatres will refuse to run your movie, but is that really sensible? Don’t most of us see dicks on a daily basis, either your own or a loved one’s? Will the world end if you see a comely young actor’s wang flopping around? I don’t have many causes, but I think I just might take this one up.

I remember watching To Live and Die in LA and just about fainting during the scene where William Petersen is standing there completely naked, full view of the junk and everything. While the rest of the movie didn’t really do it for me (save for the car chase scene) I would recommend it heartily if only for that brief view of a hot man’s member. That’s what the well-timed addition of a man’s junk can do to your film, it can take a lackluster plot and OK acting and catapult it cult status.

When I tell men about my little theory many come back with objections, the main one being shrinkage. It’s probably cold in that studio, and nerve-wracking too, what with all those key grips and burly work men watching you cavort with some actress in her physical prime, biting into hot dogs from the craft service table, saying, ‘what’s the big deal?’ I used to have a thing for Viggo Mortensen, and really, who could blame me? Here we have a handsome, rugged, seemingly intelligent man, once married to Exene Cervenka, for fuck’s sake. Then I saw Eastern Promises.

“That looks like a button on a fur coat,” my boyfriend cried out during the steam room fight scene, and I sadly agreed. Now every time I look at Viggo I think Fur Button. And that’s not fair, you know. But life is cruel.

So obviously it’s risky for a man to show all, perhaps more so than for a woman to do the same. Because a woman’s naked body is all art and beauty, while a man’s is all action. You actually have to put that thing to work, and it has to look like it can do the job nature intended. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a man. That dong shot will live in infamy, either getting you laid for the rest of your life or laughed at and pitied.

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STACIE ADAMS is a drinker with a writing problem. She's currently working on a novel and hopes to complete it before the world ends in 2012. When she's not reading or writing she's at the bar telling people about the time she saw Queens of the Stone Age in a fortress in Germany. Her alter ego can be found at The First Church of mutterhals

61 responses to “Guys on Film”

  1. Seymor Butts says:

    Eastern Promises never got the NC-17 rating because no one ever saw Viggo’s dick. Those who did thought it too small to be offensive.

  2. Brad Listi says:

    Most men would never act if they had to show their dicks on screen. That’s my guess. Unless you’re, like, six inches, soft, you’re gonna look like you have micro-penis. The camera, rather than adding inches, probably takes them away. Especially in IMAX.

  3. Tom Hansen says:

    From what I remember it is often the micro weenies when soft that are the monster weenies when hard. So in order for your theory to work, an actor would have to do the NC-17 movie and then an additional porn flick to prove he was up to snuff. I don’t see it happening. But I like the idea. Much more than seeing Matthew Macconnahey looking exactly the same in every damned movie

  4. Jane says:

    Thanks for writing what I’ve been thinking for a long time now. Always wondered what the rating industry’s got against penises…. Love the phrase “dong shot.”

  5. pixy says:

    “fur button”. HA!

    i agree with all this. i savor even the tiniest glimpses of dude junk in movies because it’s so rare. like a unicorn that poos rainbows.

  6. Jorge says:

    Just watch “Any Given Sunday.”

    Also, @Pixy……LOL HILARIOUS

  7. Reno Romero says:

    I think there are probably many reasons we don’t see wang on film. Manly, I would assume, has to do with ratings and the like. AND, I don’t think shots of cock are all that popular. Really. Now, if said meatcicle belongs to a happening movie star I get that. But I’ve met too many women who enjoy pecker but simply cannot stand the sight of one. THAT I understand. They’re ugly. Period. Not like a woman’s parts that are aesthetically more appealing. Of course, not all of them, but some of them are.

    No?

    Anyhow, Stacie, great story. I like your tone, your timing. Good stuff.

  8. zoe zolbrod says:

    I like your writing. And your line of thought. But the thing is, even some chicas are squeamish about seeing penises. Or at least they act like they are. In days of yore, I used to have a big black and white print of a nice, nice-sized, soft(ish) penis on my fridge. It was arty. Plenty of lady friends would come over and gasp, or “ewwwww,” or whatnot. Not to mention the reaction of maintenance guys who once came trooping through.

    The maintenance guys I sort of get, even if I think it’s stupid. They were asserting their heterosexuality for each other or whatever. But my boho, hetero girlfriends? Why do so many women have an aversion to looking at the penises of attractive men?

    • pixy says:

      to answer your question that you didn’t ask me, i think, what a lot of women (especially) forget, is that the penis’s* beauty is not in it’s form AT ALL, but in it’s function.

      live, on film, in print, i’m more than happy to have the theoretical “blue dot” over the peen because i’ve seen A LOT of penises but i’ve never seen a physically beautiful one. ever.
      i’m not adverse to them at all, but they’re just not pretty. and, admittedly, it’s a little startling to see an adonis (atlas?) of a man from the waist up or the butt down and, when your eyes naturally glance to what everyone can’t help but look at, you see this kinda sad, deflated little snuffleupagus trunk hangin’ out. it just doesn’t “go”. it clashes, like wearing pink and orange together. but it is kind of funny. you know, like dudes are.

      * i know that this isn’t the correct plural possessive form, but there is much debate in internet land as to what it, so i’m just leaving it like this because everyone will get the gist. 🙂

    • Becky Palapala says:

      Cock-n-balls are funny looking, plain and simple. And funny-acting. I mean, imagine if women walked around with their clits and ovaries hanging out, flopping around, twitching, shrinking, swelling, doing whatever genitals do. It’s just kind of undignified. Just not becoming at all.

      I am a fan of penises, so it is with all due respect that I say the penis’ best quality simply is not its appearance. It’s possible, I suppose, to have a very nice or handsome or quality penis, but it’s still only going to be handsome for a penis.

      Like having a “cute” Chinese Crested Dog or something.

      The attractiveness of the rest of the man is something else entirely. There are some truly beautiful men out there. And truly beautiful parts of men.

  9. dwoz says:

    I am paraphrasing something that was said in these pages some time ago, that penises have only two possible operational statuses: Heatedly sexual, or laughingly comical.

    And you know what? Most action films really could use a little comic relief.

    On the subject of size, the most iconic penis in the entire world, that belonging to Michelangelo’s David, is quite a bit smaller than his thumb.

    • pixy says:

      “On the subject of size, the most iconic penis in the entire world, that belonging to Michelangelo’s David, is quite a bit smaller than his thumb.”

      but it was cold out that day!

    • zoe zolbrod says:

      Dwoz, I like your paraphrased quote, but I just don’t feel that way. Even if they aren’t objects of beauty–and hey, are their any gay guys in the house? Can I really be the only one who thinks a penis can look good?–aren’t they interesting. Are boobs really objectively, classically more beautiful? Isn’t part of their interest also the joggle and flop and bounce?

      • Gloria says:

        I think a penis at the 20,000 foot view is a lot more laughable than when you’re face to face with one that happens to be attached to someone you like or, at the very least, find sexy. I think they can look good, too, Zoe.

      • dwoz says:

        I think the “penis problem” is that they’re little chameleons. They’re neer the same thing to two different people. Masters of disguise. One moment they’re monuments to fertility, the next they’re shriveled little pocket moles. How can you trust them? They make promises they can’t keep, and they make promises they have no intention of keeping.

        I take your point about boobs. I can’t for the life of me iterate over the reasons why they are awesome, but they clearly are.

      • Becky Palapala says:

        Are boobs really objectively, classically more beautiful? Isn’t part of their interest also the joggle and flop and bounce?

        Well, I would say boobs aren’t all that impressive, either, objectively or classically.

        But when it comes to sexual characteristics, Plato isn’t usually the arbiter of what humans tend to find appealing. If you really want to get into it, one should probably look at it from an evolutionary perspective.

        While breasts are an indicator of sexual maturity and therefore fertility, the size/appearance of a man’s tool doesn’t have any real effect on his fertility (or, more importantly to females from an evolutionary perspective, his ability to help provide for his offspring) at all.

        I mean, there’s certainly more to attraction and beauty than evolution and more to both even in terms of evolution, and I’m sure you’re not the only one who has thought a penis was good-looking, but it’s at least safe to say that it’s not surprising that a lot of straight women wouldn’t be too concerned with penile appearance. There’s no real reason for them to be.

  10. dwoz says:

    by the way, who would have sung “boys on film”….Spandau Ballet? Certainly not Duran Duran.

    🙂

  11. zoe zolbrod says:

    Stacie, it sucks that you can’t comment on your comments! That’s half the fun of TNB.

  12. Gloria says:

    Will Smith’s naked ass while he’s in the shower at the beginning of I, Robot is one of the best scenes ever set to film. No wang though, sadly. (Sidenote: I don’t think I’ve ever used the word wang before.)

    And don’t forget that in Forgetting Sarah Marshall we get to see Jason Segel’s cock. But that was funny. And not sexy.

    Other penises we get to see: Jason Mewes in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.

    See? They’re not NC 17. I wonder what the difference is.

    Finally, I love that scene with Viggo in Eastern Promises. I didn’t mind the fact that his junk was shrunk. I thought the fact that he was FIGHTING with KNIVES while NAKED was amazing and only increased his sexiness in my book.

    Fun post.

    • zoe zolbrod says:

      Great finale to Boogie Nights. So well earned. (I’m giving up on wrestling with the html ital code.)

      Wasn’t there a flopping member or two in Borat? I’ve only heard tell. Never saw it myself.

      I think the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is a good candidate for some dick action. I can see Captain Jack Sparrow making good use of swiveling hips and a 90 degree boner to point the way here or there, or get spun around by, or something. It’s a metaphor for masts of confusion. Also:
      #1) Come on. Who doesn’t want to see Johnny Dep’s penis?
      #2) Think of the Happy Meal toys that could result.

      • Gloria says:

        The Happy Meal toys bit is fantastic. I’d break my McDonald’s moratorium for that.

        And, yes, I’d love to see Johnny Depp’s dick. Not in an invasive kind of way, but if it were there, I’d definitely look.

        Confession: I’ve never seen all of Boogie Nights. I know, I know…

    • mutterhals says:

      That’s an excellent point about naked knife fights.

  13. mutterhals says:

    Thanks to everyone who commented. I’d say more but I know this fucking thing isn’t going to show up.

  14. I’d like to commend one of the actors in Hannah Takes the Stairs, possibly Mark Duplass, who not only gets his chap out but is willing to let it be seen in an extremely unflattering state, bobbing about in a bath.

    The sort-of-appropriately-named Tom Hardy seems happy to have his nob* filmed, the most obvious example being Bronson. It’s not very fetching to be honest. Parsnippy. In this (actually rather charming) short film he even acts with it:

    Oh…apparently it was leaked and should never have been on Vimeo. Sorry.

    Folks, you do know Dirk’s diggler was prosthetic, right?

    *this spelling is used specifically for penis situations.

    • mutterhals says:

      Oh dear god, how I love Tom Hardy. I watched Bronson but I got drunk during and passed out. I think I missed the dong shot. There is some place around where I live named Blue Knob, every time I pass the sign I laugh.

      • I think there are two dick scenes in Bronson. In fact, in one he’s naked and thoroughly greased up.

        Nob Hill does it for me.

        Apparently Christopher Eccleston’s cock is very odd. He played John Lennon in a BBC drama, and they re-created the Two Virgins cover photoshoot. I’ve only heard rumours.

  15. Oh, yeah – the barbershop at the start of Eastern Promises, where the Russian kid uses a cutthroat razor in a very literal fashion? That’s where I get my hair cut, and sometimes have a straight razor shave.

  16. Kimberly says:

    Ladies (and other folks who are interested…)

    Let this post not go without mention of the Naked Ewan MacGregor holy trilogy. (No, not THAT one. The other one.) :

    The Pillow Book
    Trainspotting
    Velvet Goldmine

    Full frontal. Shameless. Glorious to behold.

    And yes.

    I do envision his penis.

    Every. Time. I. See. Him.

    purrrrrrrrrrrrr

    • pixy says:

      and it’s so ginger! i was going to mention, but i figured he was implied. i mean, i just read an article a couple of days ago where he announced that he’s NOT going to show his junk on film any longer. the fact that he’s NOT showing his stuff anymore warranted an entire article.

      it’s a pity really.

    • Gloria says:

      Well, at least I know what I’m doing with my weekend now…

  17. […] Adams writes on the Nervous Breakdown: Today I bring you a subject that’s very close to my heart. And by heart I mean sex […]

  18. Luckysod says:

    If the actors would be willing to strip then you would get your wish. They are not, so you do not. Simple as that.

  19. auntikrist says:

    Viggo Mortenson has a perfectly respectable dick. Check out “Indian Runner” and I think you will see that the equipment is not that small.

  20. dw says:

    Stacy,

    Not only do I think you are fabulously GORGEOUS, but I agree wholeheartedly with every ounce of your rant/rave writing! Brave and audacious come to mind as well. WEE!!!!

    I love seeing all actors, regardless of gender, in the total buff. I am a guy and I have to say, having watched umpteen foreign flicks and then comparing them to our Americanized crappy standards of what we call “movies”, there is no comparison. SO many awesome scenes with men bathing together in old English houses, in the kitchen too. It makes one proud to be a man watching them splish and splash and not care a less that there walking around being funny and letting it all hang out. Not only are they generally handsome but sometimes they are beautiful and hairy, very endearing to see as opposed to the run of the mill naked apes we are subjected to daily here in the USA.

    Anyways, stay true, beautiful and keep on writing.

    • mutterhals says:

      Mom, quit playing around on the internet! No, seriously, that was all so nice of you to say, thanks so much. And I totally agree about foreign films, my absolute favorite movie of all time is Irreversible and the scene at the end (or beginning?) with Vincent Cassel and Monica Bellucci is so touching and realistic, and both are bare-ass naked throughout.

      • dw says:

        Ha, you called me a “MOM”!!!!

        Well, I am a man who appreciates much more than my fellow men. At least I think I do. Maybe that’s my male ego there… yikes. Irreversible made me shudder a lot, and a good think I am not epileptic to boot… sheesh. Those nude scenes sprinkled candidly throughout got me to thinking how fortunate I am to have been turned on to foreign films.

        On a side note, I wear full length skirts to shock and because they are beautiful and comfortable, so I think we should be seeing more of that “Scottish” stuff in films, men going commando under soft velvet skirts meant just for men, and the women eating that right up, reversing the roles that are so common place in our movie making structures… Time to throw the old formulas out and let the new ones in.

        You are welcome, and tell your partner he’s a lucky man!

  21. Kat says:

    Wow, I’ve been taking up this very important cause for years. Why must us respectable heterosexual women go without our D and A? Not fair Hollywood, not fair!! LONG LIVE FUR BUTTON!!!

  22. Kat says:

    Let us not forget the lovely and talented Jason segel, for packing a Buick in forgetting Sara Marshall, that peen haunts my dreams. There needs to be a ms skin website for us ladies

    • I’m sure there is one, Kat, have you looked? If not, why not start a Tumblr (“fuckyeahcocksinmovies”)?

      Just thought, the first thing you see in 28 Days Later is Cillian Murphy’s lad (that’s rather old-fashioned Irish slang).

  23. Judy Prince says:

    OK, Stacie, you had me silently roaring at this:

    “It’s probably cold in that studio, and nerve-wracking too, what with all those key grips and burly work men watching you cavort with some actress in her physical prime, biting into hot dogs from the craft service table, saying, ‘what’s the big deal?’ ”

    And definitely this:

    ‘ “That looks like a button on a fur coat,” ‘

    Filmmaking females—–attention!

  24. Kevin Mertz says:

    Stacie I’m not sure what your talking about? If you wrote this artice anytime between 1978 to say 1992 I would agree with you that movies had a double standard of showing plenty of breasts and nude female “bums” and hardly any naked male anything. But my how the pendulem has swung. If you don’t beleive me just read: Wikipedia’s Motion Picture Association of America Film Rating System. Go 1/2 down the page to the sub heading “Sexual Content” and that says it all. In your article you mention several movies that actually show “dick” can you name one movie that shows a woman’s vagina? I’m not talking about frontal nudity of a woman that shows her pubic hair I’m talking about open vagina. Clearly you haven’t seen the most recent Borat film or Sarah Marshall. The length of time that a man’s penis is on display was most uncomfortable as a hetero male. I highly doubt we will see a labia up close anytime soon. You refer to a man’s penis several times in you piece as dick wich is confusing for someone looking for fairness and equality. However, that being said I would tell any woman that wants to see more “dick” and men that want to see more “pussy” in movies just rent a porno. You will see alot more. Also if you want to see hot shirtless guys, go watch the last two James Bond movies. As terrible as they are you get to see tons and tons of a Daniel Craig half naked. As a hetro sexual male I can say that naked guy ass and “dick” are the new norm in film.

  25. Medusae says:

    Awesome article! ‘Fur button’ is going in the dick-tionary. XD

    The first time I saw man peen on TV was while watching Monty Python’s “Life of Brian” when Graham Chapman throws open the window and reveals all. It’s a scene not really meant to inspire lust >.> Or I hope it isn’t.

    I think a limp dick in a floppy state (or even just nudity) usually transmits a vulnerability in men, as seen by both men and women. And for the full peen to be on screen says “full on vulnerability”.
    Like they advise in Tropical Thunder, “Never go full retard”, and limp penis is TOO much vulnerability in your anti-hero and is a death-knell to your action-hero.
    Remember that scene in Casino Royale, the 007 movie with (non-Bond) Danial Craig? Remember the bad guy whipping James Bond’s balls? Not only was that a weird scene for ANY movie, (and I think it fell flat for women who kinda get it but not really), but also it was starring male genitalia that was at once unfunny, un-artsy, and also unsexy. It was just weird.
    What were they trying to say? That whipping testicles is the worst you can do to a man?
    The villain was thinking way too small -.-

    Anyway, strange comment for a thoughtful, funny article.

    Good day.

    • SAA says:

      Aw, you are the greatest, no shit. I really like what you said about a floppy dong making a guy look vulnerable, I never thought about it in that way and you are absolutely right. I’m cool with vulnerable action stars, though, I think that’s the next step in a pretty stagnant genre.

      I have a funny story about Life of Brian. Because Chapman was British he was uncircumcised and when they initially shot that scene someone said his was quite obviously not a Jewish peen, so he had to pull up his fore skin with an elastic band. Dick anecdotes, I has them.

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