I know there was a lot of shit going on in heaven this past weekend, what with Jesus busy preparing the Papa Hem suite for Christopher Hitchens while simultaneously arranging for Kim Jong-il’s ferry ride to hell. But the good lord totally dropped the ball on number one fan Tim Tebow, who suffered a streak-ending loss to the New England Patriots.

Full disclosure: I would bang Tim Tebow with the intensity of a thousand suns. This amuses me because I find him absurd in just about every facet of his life, from his fervent religious belief to his home schooling to his colluding with pro life organizations. But that didn’t stop me from imagining what it might be like to go on a date with him.

 

My Date with Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow would pick me up in his maroon Ford F-150 exactly five minutes before he was due. He would saunter up to my door in pressed blue jeans and a polo shirt. He’d have on some kind of mirrored sunglasses.

Tim Tebow would wear Cool Water or something similar, because Drakkar Noir sounds foreign and (he thinks) only gays wear Calvin Klein. He’d probably use too much gel in his hair, but I would overlook this because holy shit, he’s Tim Tebow.

He’d take me to a steak house and ask if I was Jewish. He would sigh with relief when I said no, but would tighten up again (albeit to lesser degree) when I informed him I was Greek.

“Aren’t Catholics, like, you know,” he’d gesture at the side of his head with his finger, “weird?”

“Oh, I’m not Catholic anymore, I’m an athei–,” I’d stutter, remembering that atheism and Tim Tebow go together like Israel and Palestine.  Then, recovering:  “I’m kind of between religions right now.”

“Well, Jesus is great,” he’d tell me, reaching across the table for my hand.

Tim Tebow would talk exclusively about football and Jesus, the topics almost interchangeable. I’d nod politely while wondering what he’d look like naked and covered in blood. (Oh shit, did I just think that? Regroup, Stacie, regroup.)

“So…” I’d say, wiping my hand over the menu. “Appetizers?”

“I can’t eat shrimp,” he’d whisper across the table. He’d then cite the corresponding biblical passage forbidding him from doing so.

We’d order the same cut of steak. I’d try to tame the typical vacuum-like configuration my mouth takes on at steak houses. He would tell me about the time he circumcised a bunch of boys in the Philippines just as I was excising a piece of gristle from my otherwise glorious cut of beef. My hands would freeze in place as I rolled my eyes up to him slowly.

“Say what now?”

He’d explain that during his stay in the Philippines the ministry his father worked for decided that the best thing for these impoverished boys would be to take knives to their peckers in the name of the lord. I’d drink some water to keep from gasping.

“Totally, totally legit,” he’d assure me.

At the end of the night I would try to pressure Tim Tebow into doing it in the cab of his F-150. He’d look uncomfortable and decline my offer.  “Come on,” I’d groan.  “Jesus doesn’t care.”

But Tebow would hold firm, removing my prying hand from his thigh and placing it gently back in my lap. He’d then invite me to bible study the following week, referring to my complete lack of morals as “worrisome.”

“Jesus is my go-to guy,” he’d explain, citing his many championships and awards, all of them won with the kind assistance of the son of god. I’d mention offhand that I always took Jesus to be a Patriots fan. Tebow’s normally placid face would then twist into a mild sneer. He’d lean across my body to open my door and suggest that we call it night.

“What about bible study?” I’d cry out as he sped away.   And then, pathetically:  “I’m a sinner!  Let’s bone!”

The rest of the night would be spent in an increasing state of drunkenness, crank-calling Tim Tebow’s cell phone, pretending to be the holy spirit. After about three tries, he’d catch on and block my number.  And that would be the end of it.   For the rest of eternity, we would never speak to each other again.

 

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STACIE ADAMS is a drinker with a writing problem. She's currently working on a novel and hopes to complete it before the world ends in 2012. When she's not reading or writing she's at the bar telling people about the time she saw Queens of the Stone Age in a fortress in Germany. Her alter ego can be found at The First Church of mutterhals

48 responses to “Heathen Sluts for Tim Tebow”

  1. Greg Olear says:

    It took almost the full 12 months, but here it is, the Best Title of the Year.

  2. Richard Cox says:

    All kinds of awesome. I hate Tim Tebow, and fortunately, not being gay, I don’t have to worry suffering through confusing lust for such an idiot.

    You’re presupposing he knows the common religions of Greece, or even where Greece is located. He probably thinks Greece is a movie where that heathen slut from godless Australia took a knee for a goofy scientologist.

    Anyway, this post rocks. Tim Tebow sucks rocks.

  3. Emily Rapp says:

    I absolutely LOVE this — growing up in Wyoming, my “ideal” man was totally a truck driving, jeans and Western shirt wearing dude who loved Jesus. Anything to talk about? Nope. Did it matter? Nope. Reading this made my day.

  4. Matthew Name says:

    If you were a gay man, the post would be much shorter…Tim wouldn’t be able to dialog with you at all. Seeing that there would be a ball gag in his mouth.

  5. This post here is a small Christmas miracle. God bless the heathen sluts. Every one.

  6. I don’t really pay attention to American Football anymore— not now that England are the number one Test side in World cricket.

    But every now and then I hear ‘Tebow’ followed by either a string of abuse and/or mocking. Doesn’t he tend to give God the credit for what is essentially the offensive line’s work?

    I’m sure that this is much more fun than spending any length of time with Tebow could ever be…

    • SAA says:

      I’ve actually spent time with people like this, that is the ultra religious, and it almost always ends with them telling me I’m going to hell.

  7. I love the first line. Not a lot makes me laugh aloud (except probably every line ever uttered from 30 Rock). But you are still in exclusive company!

  8. Sara Habein says:

    “The rest of the night would be spent in an increasing state of drunkenness, crank-calling Tim Tebow’s cell phone, pretending to be the holy spirit. ” hahahaha

    All of this was great.

  9. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    Full disclosure: I would bang Tim Tebow with the intensity of a thousand suns.

    I have the exact same attraction to Eminem. Which is why after your last post about his plastic surgery, I immediately needed to be in the know.

    It sucks that you don’t even get to bang him in your literary fantasy. I love the dark comedy inherent to realism, but what a bummer. Go Hollywood for the holidays and bring a dog his bone. You’re going down, Stacie, and you’re taking Tim Tebow with you.

  10. Pete DeLorean says:

    This was totally hilarious. I loved it! How the hell did you see Queens at a fortress in Germany?

    • SAA says:

      I came into some money about a year ago and instead of doing something responsible I blew it all on a trip to Europe, which I arranged around their concert in Berlin. I made it back to the States with barely enough money to get my car out of the airport parking lot, but it was totally worth it.

      • Pete DeLorean says:

        Came into some coin and blew it on something music-related and spectacularly awesome. You just described my entire life.

  11. Gary Socquet says:

    I realize the official story reads the other way around, but I like to believe Jesus was actually redeemed by a heathen slut. I’m not a praying man, but for your sake and young Tebow’s, I hope you get your shot someday, Stacie.

  12. Paul Clayton says:

    I’m not a practicing Christian and I’m not a football fan. Okay, so Tebow is out of the closet with his Christianity, flamboyantly out of the closet, given his on-field displays of praying. And that’s become a problem for you and a lot of others, and probably a lot of Christians too who have to listen to all the bile and jokes directed towards him (and, by extension, at them).

    I’ve wondered why his managers don’t make him stop or maybe stage a phony dope bust. Or maybe he could get a PR firm to spread rumors that he had a pregnant girlfriend on the side, or that he was gay, or that he had a violent temper and beat up a parking meter maid.

    But no, they won’t do that. And he’s still out there putting it all on display, outrageously, out of love (for Jesus) or ego. Who knows what’s in a person’s heart?

    But… wait. It’s a free country right? Whether a man wants to walk down the boulevard wearing a dress with a feather boa, or kneel on one knee, bow his head and pray… that’s all allowed, right? I mean, that’s what we’ve long cherished in America. You can do just about anything you damn well please… except… Yes, it does seem that the tolerance of some folks has a limit.

    You mentioned Hitch right off in this piece. Hitch was a writer and thinker who looked at things from a lot of different angles, arriving at his own conclusons honestly and bravely. And so thanks for your honesty about what motivated you to write this — “I find him absurd in just about every facet of his life, from his fervent religious belief to his home schooling to his colluding with pro life organizations.”

    I didn’t see much diversity of opinion in this thread, so I wanted to add my own view.

    In the spirit of Christmas, I just want to voice my hope that the current, fashionable scorn (prevalent here) for Christians never leaps the mockery level it’s risen to and jumps over into violence against them, or law, perhaps making public praying a hate crime or something. Actually, that would include Muslims and, I believe, certain sects of Orthodox Jews also. I’ve personally seen Muslims unroll their prayer rugs and pray very publicly in gas station parking lots and airports. But never, of course, in a stadium before a crowd.
    Have a good day!

    • Don Mitchell says:

      Paul, I understand what you’re saying.

      But I think the Tebow thing is pernicious, and here’s why.

      I’d rather not see all those Jesus-athletes pointing to the sky or kneeling down, or telling the camera it was Jesus or God who made the performance possible. I’d rather see athletes own their own performances, good or bad. If that was all Tebow did, I’d put him in the same bin with the others and merely be annoyed that they can’t keep it to themselves.

      I think Tebow’s different, and it’s because he’s the child of missionaries — you know, those people who try to convert the heathen or people of other religions to their religion. He grew up in a missionary environment, in a family actively engaged in converting people in another part of the world to a set of beliefs not their own.

      I’ve spent time around missionaries, and more time talking with tribal people who’ve interacted with missionaries. And what I’ve seen and heard (and heard about) typically takes the form, “Want to be like me? Want the material (and spiritual) things I have? Do you envy me? Look what I can do that you can’t! Well, accept my belief and (the rest is implicit) . . . you can be like me.”

      Implicit, but the people I worked with understood it right away. There was (years ago) nothing subtle about it, and if in the present it’s more subtle it’s only a matter of degree.

      So I think Tebow’s football field posing, his pro-life commercial with his mother, all the other stuff he does, is not to praise God, but to evangelize. To get viewers to buy into his religion. Look at me! Jesus! You too can excel on the athletic field! Marketing. Nothing but marketing a religion.

      So, yeah. Assuming my interpretation is correct (of course it could be wrong, but I don’t think it is) my scorn isn’t “fashionable.” It’s founded on a strong dislike of proselytizing disguised as piety.

      • Paul Clayton says:

        Don,

        re: “So I think Tebow’s football field posing, his pro-life commercial with his mother, all the other stuff he does, is not to praise God, but to evangelize. To get viewers to buy into his religion. Look at me! Jesus! You too can excel on the athletic field! Marketing. Nothing but marketing a religion.”

        Yes, evangelizing, telling others, it’s what you do if you have the truth, or the goods. Religions, political movements, social movements don’t spread by touch or sneezes. You have to get out and spread the word. You’ve got to pass out flyers, write letters to the editor, mount the soap box, occupy Wall Street, grab the bull horn. As someone who once took to the street to collar people and get them to listen and maybe convert (but not to Christianity), I know how it works. The thing is, it’s just not the Christian evangelicals that are doing that. That other big religious movement, the secular humanist movement, is very big on prosthelytizing, especially in Pop Culture, even enlisting Big Government to push their faith (most notably their new morality) on others, mostly in schools.

        I’ve prosthelytized, and I’ve been prosthelytized. Don’t bother me none. Actually, there’s no getting away from it. If you really believe you’ve got the secret to living, to being happy, whatever, you have an obligation to share it. It would be selfish to keep it to yourself.

        I remember going through an airport recently and seeing a table set up by secular humanists disguised as atheists, or, as they like to call themselves, free thinkers. They were no different that a table full of Hare Krishnas or progressives registering people to vote (Democrat). They were prosthelytizing, attempting to collar passers by and convert them to their religion. The Muslims prosthelytize too.

        We all do it. Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it.

        Anyway, have a great day over there in Paradise!

        So,

    • SAA says:

      Don said it way better than I could, but I just wanted to add that the whole thing struck me as funny because our points of view are so divergent, and that’s all I was really getting at. If you ask me Tebow’s brand of Christianity seems disengenuous, but I wasn’t trying to make a blanket statement about all christians.

      • Don Mitchell says:

        Right. “Disengenuous” was a word I should have used, in this case. Thanks for supplying it. This had better not mean the onset of age-related vocabulary shortages.

  13. pixy says:

    this is fan-freakin’-tastic!
    but i have questions: if he loves jesus so much, is he saving his boy cherry for “the one”, for marriage, too? has he even watched porn? what does his jesus let him do to quell his (hopefully) natural urges?
    or, will he stop being awesome at football if he indulges in the pleasures of the flesh? is that the deal he struck with jesus?

    so curious tim tebow!

  14. Paul Manski says:

    Stacie, like totally obviously a committed Christian….

  15. Caleb Powell says:

    I’m not normally someone to defend the likes of Tim Tebow, and my distaste of religion extends to the dinner table, where I’ll drink beer and devilishly wink at my wife while my mom prays, and once, when asked to say grace, I substituted “Ice Monster” for god. Nevertheless, there is something that Tebow haters miss, and the calls of disingenuous seem off.

    Namely, he’s actually a good guy, proselytizer or not, Tebow is concerned with the suffering of others (when I was overseas I’d often run into Mormon “missionaries” and I’d always ask them about the hospitals and food they were giving. They’d always say that they were only spreading the LDS message…one more reason why I think Mormon has one too many “M’s”). Tebow has visited the Philippines and his charity is footing the bill for a children’s hospital. He’s genuine, and I respect that. Yeah, he’s a God freak, but I can forgive.

    We need more Tebow Christians and less Fred Phelps Christians, and if Tebow started going God on me I’d tell him no thanks, and I suspect that’d be it. We may not have a beer, but we could be civil. Fred Phelps would threaten me with hell.

  16. J M says:

    You are one dumb bitch.

  17. Johnny Mac says:

    As a gay man who lusts after Tebow, I can only say thank you for being such a slut.

  18. Reno Romero says:

    Jesus Lord I’m late to the party. And how fitting you posed this gem on my birthday. Anyhow, I’m thrilled you captured the beauty and fucking silliness of Teboner. All I can say is that I wish this date actually did and would go down. I think he could use a good handling. Thanks for the laughs.

  19. If the date does go down, you have to sink that video immediately to YouTube. I loved this from the word GO.

  20. Alex says:

    I googled “Tim Tebow full of shit” and ended up here. Best title ever.

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  23. Alanna says:

    I keep rechecking this post in the hopes that you’ve updated it and done a blow-by-blow of Part II, when you actually get to second base. Because 3rd base is for the 3rd date.

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