I used to have a tree house. Not as a child, mind you, but as an adult. Let me explain. I had an apartment for a while in a complex owned and managed by an ancient woman that hardly knew who lived in her building, much less what those tenants were up to. There weren’t exactly a ton of restrictions on what you could or could not do in the complex, and even if there had been there was no one to enforce them.

I became good friends with several other residents there. I was living with my girlfriend Brittany at the time and was constantly looking for a reason not to be in the apartment with her. The less I was there, the less chance of setting off an emotional explosion, so I spent a good bit of time hopping around and getting to know a quite diverse group of neighbors.

Dan was your typical Southeast Texas redneck. About six foot four, he drank cheap beer by the case, drove a pickup truck, and ate weird things if you dared him. I personally watched him consume a raw shrimp and three wrinkled dollar bills one night simply because someone said, “I bet you won’t.” Dan lived across the street from Chuck, a gun collecting Texan with a bit more intelligence. Dan was the kind of guy that would beat his chest and tell you what he was going to do. Chuck would just do it.

And Chuck happened to live next door to Henry. Henry was a stout and stocky black guy. Always high, he was the kind of person you couldn’t help but like. He was Ice Cube in Friday.

Over one particular summer, a group of teens happened to choose our neighborhood as a target for a string of car burglaries. My car was hit twice, along with eleven other incidents over the course of a few weeks. Despite our attempts to keep watch individually, we were unable to catch anyone in the act. For that matter, the only information we really had been able to get at all was the occasional neighbor’s half remembered account of an older, brownish colored car with a bunch of suspicious looking teens.

The obvious solution, we decided, was to band together. Strength in numbers made sense to us, and we fell in love with the idea of standing in unison against a common enemy. Not only would this be productive, this could be fun.

We recruited whoever else we could from the neighborhood and met at Henry’s house. Six adults in all, dressed in black and carrying whatever makeshift weapons we could find. An old forgotten Louisville Slugger from under Chuck’s bed, Dan’s slingshot, a chipped and slightly bent samurai sword with a blue rope wrapped handle. We were completely unprepared, yet one hundred percent willing, to go to war with a gang of street savvy thugs.

Over the next hour we discussed our plans. Who would cover which shift each night? What would we do if we actually caught someone? I had read enough Spider-man comics to be elected leader, therefore I was the one forced to veto the most extreme game plans as they were presented.

“So if one of us can catch ‘em in action and chase ‘em towards the others, we could hog tie ‘em, gag ‘em, and leave ‘em laying in the field over night,” Dan suggested. “The fire ants and them bat sized skeeters oughta finish ‘em off.”

“No, Dan,” I said. “Let’s try to come up with something… maybe a bit more legal.” Talking to him was a bit like trying to explain to a retarded child why he couldn’t have a balloon. And it wasn’t just Dan; no one was really helping.

“So I guess pumping them full of arrows and hanging them from a tree like little ghetto-porcupine-piñatas is out of the question?” Chuck chimed in.

“You a damn fool, Chuck. You know that?” Henry laughed. “A damn fool.”

“Completely out of the question,” I replied.

When the meeting – if you could call it that – adjourned, the only decision we had come to was that we definitely needed a place to mount our defense. We needed a secure location. We needed a fortress. I volunteered the tree next to my apartment, suggesting that we might be able to put some sort of platform halfway up. Everyone agreed and construction started the next day.

What began as a 3×3 perch soon became much larger. Dan started bringing home truckloads of grocery store pallets and landscaping timbers. We added each one to the rest and before long had erected a two story, two-hundred-plus square foot citadel. Over the next few months I forgot all about the ring of thieves and concentrated my efforts on increasing the size of the tree house. Two old couches were acquired and hauled up into the branches. Electricity was run from my back porch via extension cords. Chuck had an old TV we could drag up there when it wasn’t raining.

I fabricated a roof above the first level, leaving the second floor open to the sky, a perfect place to lie at night and watch the stars scroll by. I was twelve years old again, and oblivious to the fact that I had absolutely zero construction skills. I used twenty screws where one would have sufficed. My lack of building knowledge aside, this thing was never coming down. We built on into the summer.

* * *

With our attentions focused on the newly erected wooden castle, the dark brown Oldsmobile that came creeping down the street late one night almost went unnoticed. I got a call from Henry, who just happened to be out late adjusting the tension on the makeshift zip line we had installed a few days before.

“These fools are behind the building, man. You in?”

“I’ll meet you outside. Give me two minutes.”

The building directly across the street was empty, and had been since Hurricane Rita ravaged the area a year before. I knew there was no reason for anyone to be back there at all. It could only mean trouble. Despite Chuck and Dan’s insistence that we attack, cooler heads prevailed. I made the case for calling the police and twenty minutes later a squad car came cruising down the road. It pulled behind the building and we circled around the other side to watch the action, certain that we were about to witness justice occurring live and in real time.

Two officers ran up to the car across the dark parking lot. Their flashlights bounced along the rusted body and then one of the doors creaked open. Smoke poured from the inside of the vehicle, the flashlight beams becoming solid yellow rods as they shot through the billowing clouds. My first thought was that something was actually on fire, and then the realization hit me that the occupants of that car were just really, really high. It looked like the Cheech and Chong van.

What minutes earlier had seemed to be an open and shut case was about to turn shockingly sideways. The five teenagers were taken from the car, searched, and then handed back their keys with instructions to leave and not return. As the beat up Cutlass rattled away, the police car followed them. Seconds later, both were gone.

“Are you motherfucking kidding me?” asked Henry.

And it wasn’t just Henry. We all stood there completely slack jawed. Clearly the cops weren’t in the mood to write up a report. Though we had no solid evidence, we were convinced that this was the same group of kids that had lifted our car stereos and CD collections. As we stared at each other in silent disbelief an even more shocking thing happened; the car came back.

It cruised down the street through the darkness like a battle worn shark, pulling in the drive headed back behind the building.

Henry didn’t waste a second. He picked up Chuck’s bat and started out across the street. “Man, fuck a bunch of these motherfuckers, yo.”

The entire group of us was now ready for war. As we turned the corner behind the building, we could see one of the kids clearly retrieving something from the grass next to the car; most likely something tossed when the police had shown up earlier. The teen sprinted back to the car when he saw us. “Go, go, go!” he yelled, and the car started to back up as he dove inside.

There was a wicked crack as Henry’s bat connected with the windshield. The driver couldn’t seem to get the car in gear, and Henry connected with two more shots, shattering the passenger window and caving in the hood. “Damn, man! This is my Mama’s car!” a voice from inside cried. “Then your Mama better have insurance!” Henry yelled back as he smashed a brake light. There were a few more glancing blows before the terrified kid managed to shift, and then finally the car sped off, leaving us standing amongst the wreckage.

“Umm, maybe we should finish this inside,” I said, figuring the police were certain to return soon now that a somewhat violent crime had been committed.

We didn’t even make it back across the street before the red and blue flashing lights rounded the corner. Chuck and Dan sprinted for home and Henry tossed the bat into the bushes. The car rolled to a stop in front of the two of us.

“I don’t suppose one of you fellas want to tell us what happened here, do you?” the officer asked as he stepped out of the car.

“Actually, we just walked out ourselves,” I replied quickly. “Sounded like some glass broke or something. Is everything okay?”

The officer looked at me dubiously, but I wasn’t breaking. Henry wasn’t so calm however. “That car came back, man. Why didn’t you arrest those fools the first time?”

“What Henry means is -” I started to say.

“What I mean is, if y’all ain’t gonna stop these motherfuckers from coming over here, then we will.”

The cop replied, “Sir, you can’t say the word the word ‘motherfucker’.”

So I said, “No, Henry. Apparently he is the only one that can say it.”

“Are you trying to get smart with me, son?”

And it really just slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Smart? God no,” I said. “I’m not trying to confuse you.”

“That’s it. Turn around, son, and put your hands behind your back,” he said, pulling out his handcuffs. I was laughing as he clicked them shut around my wrists. Not only was I amused by the sudden turn of events, but I was also incredibly curious how talking to my neighbor was being considered a threat or a crime. “What exactly did I do?”

“You were inciting a potential riot,” was his reply. “Watch your head.” I ducked as I was placed in the backseat of the car. If that was a riot, I would have hated to see how he handled a group of Irish soccer fans. The officer sent Henry on his way and then got into the car. His partner turned to me as we pulled off.

“I suggest you keep it down back there,” he said. “We’d hate to have to tack any more charges on.”

And that was probably where things went south. I knew that technically I was going to get a Disorderly Conduct charge, and I figured that if I was going to get one, I might as well earn it. My tongue took on a life of its own, and I emptied both barrels.

“Oh really? Because legally I don’t think I have to be quite at all.  If you don’t like it, let me out.  Or why don’t you just turn up the radio, Captain America?  I bet your wife is really proud of you…  bringing down the scum of society!  How scary it must be!  Ooooh, does it feel good Kojak?  You solved the crime! Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!  Oh wait, I can’t say that, can I?

“You know, the last time you guys were out here, we pointed out a kid that had driven up in a stolen car and tried to break into my neighbor’s truck. Then he ran from you guys and when you caught him he had a fourteen-inch screwdriver in his pocket.  And what did you do?  You let him go.  I’ve seen the detectives on Court TV put a guy away for life based on a piece of lip DNA they pulled off of a half-eaten apple core they found in a dumpster two counties away from the crime scene, and you couldn’t piece that mystery together?  Yeah, you’re on fire, Commando Rabbit.

“Why doesn’t FOX TV ever follow you guys around for COPS, huh?  Maybe it’s because you fucking suck.  You ever think of that?  Maybe it’s because dragging a guy to jail for standing in his own neighborhood is just shitty TV.  What a hero.  You’re the worst policeman ever.  I hope your little radar gun really does give you ball cancer.  Are we there yet?  I’ve gotta pee.  Come on, man!  Speed!  We already know you’re a hypocrite, what’s it gonna hurt?”

I kept my face as close to the partition as possible, throwing each sentence directly at his ear as he drove. I was determined to earn every minute of my stay in a holding cell. When we arrived at the jail the two officers couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. The ride had put me in a heightened state of amusement. Already resigned to my fate, and the misdemeanor charge, I committed myself to making the most of the experience. No one was going to be safe.

They asked a million questions when they booked me in, all for what I could only assume was my “permanent record”. Once I realized that no one was there to determine the veracity of my answers however, I began to lie. Even the simplest question was an invitation to mislead.

The woman in charge sat in front of her keyboard. “Height?” she asked.

“Six eleven,” I answered with a straight face.

“No you’re not,” she said.

“If you already know then why are you asking me?”

She growled a bit and then continued, “Do you wear corrective lenses?”

“Nope.”

“What color are your eyes?”

“Do you mean with or without the contacts?”

“You just said -”

“I was kidding. Next?”

“Occupation?”

In all honesty, I wanted to answer her correctly. The thought of having “comedian” next to my name in a file somewhere kind of made me happy. The Bullshit Train had left the station however. I couldn’t stop. I contemplated my answer as she repeated the question. “Sir? Occupation?”

And with the most serious expression possible I replied.

“Dragon Slayer.”

I arched my eyebrow mysteriously as I said it, as if that would somehow add authenticity to my claim.

“What?” she asked.

“Dragons. Large reptilian creatures. Did you not have a childhood, lady?”

She cocked her head sideways, baffled. “And where do you do this?”

“Caves, meadows, wherever the need arises,” I shot back.

She still didn’t know how to process what I was giving her. She had a blank to fill in on a form and the words coming out of my face confused her. “And… people give you money for this?” she tried.

“Sometimes money, sometimes a virgin or a goat. Whatever the village can afford. I have a calling, lady, and I won’t stop until all of the dragons are dead.”

Exasperated, she stormed out on our interview. Eventually, especially once I knew my friends had arrived with my bail money, I cooperated. I managed to keep a maniacal little smile the entire time though, which did a phenomenal job of keeping the other people in the holding cell convinced that I was at least a little bit insane.

“What are you in for?”

“Killing lizards. You might want to back up a little bit.”

* * *

The tree fort lasted longer than I thought it would. One day a letter arrived at my door from the landlord. Apparently a makeshift platform of thirty-eight pallets suspended 15-20 feet in the air was an “insurance risk”, and news of the tiki torch someone had drunkenly dropped on one of the couches had made its way back to her as well. It must come down the letter said.

Getting it up had not been a problem. Getting it out of the tree was a different story entirely. I pulled on the beams, I hit things with a hammer, and I jumped up and down. Nothing phased it. “Damn, I’m good,” I thought to myself, then I tied a rope around one of the support struts and pulled some more. I even went so far as to ask myself “What Would Jesus Do?” Then I remembered that Jesus was a carpenter. He could probably dismantle the entire thing in an afternoon.

Eventually I gave up. It stood stoically in that empty lot for another two years after I moved out. Even after my relationship ended, I still snuck back to visit it, hoping against hope that my ex wouldn’t be home when I did. Ultimately, I heard that time took its toll on the untreated lumber. Pieces fell one by one over the following months until, exhausted at last, the final section surrendered itself to the elements.

 

 

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SLADE HAM is a stand up comedian. He has performed in 52 countries on six continents, a journey that can be followed in his book, Until All the Dragons Are Dead. One day he hopes to host a travel show and continue to trick the world into paying him to do the things he loves to do. Slade is also an Editor for The Nervous Breakdown's Arts and Culture section. He keeps a very expensive storage unit in Houston, TX.

284 responses to “Until All of the Dragons Are Dead”

  1. Lorna says:

    Jeez, your tree-house was spacious enough for two couches…..not to mention the electricity and TV. That rocks! And a zip line! OMG, I wanna live there!

    She still didn’t know how to process what I was giving her. She had a blank to fill in on a form and the words coming out of my face confused her. “And… people give you money for this?” she tried.

    “Sometimes money, sometimes a virgin or a goat. Whatever the village can afford. I have a calling, lady, and I won’t stop until all of the dragons are dead.”

    Freaking hilarious read!!!

    Note to self: Never, ever piss off the Dragon Slayer.

  2. Joe Daly says:

    Thank you for this positively delightful tale of revenge fantasy. Revenge on both the thuggish and short-sighted criminals and the dim-witted officers. So stoked you guys got some damage onto the vehicle before it went south.

    It’s funny, but the older you get, the less intimidating police officers seem. Last time I was rousted, I was actually giggling as I was spread up against the wall with the officer emptying my pockets on the ledge in front of me. He became enraged the more I tried to stop laughing. I used to think it was the ridicule that rubbed them the wrong way, but I now see that cops have the expectation of intimidating people, and when that expectation is not met, they become angry, irrational, and bewildered.

    Well played. And sorry to hear about the tree house.

    • Slade Ham says:

      You’re quite welcome, Joe.

      I used to tell a version of this story on stage, and word got around in my hometown. The officer in question actually showed up to a performance one night and insisted that I do the bit. Like a lot of police officers, he seemed to get off on the power that came with the badge.

      Some cops are great guys, and some are dicks. Their buttons do tend to be easier to press than most though. I’m sure there have been a ton of psychological studies on what kinds of people become cops. Now I’m curious.

      And the tree house lived a long life. It’s gone, but not forgotten. I HAVE to find a picture now.

  3. Melissa Vasquez says:

    heh, you said “erected”

  4. Ofelia says:

    Well played sir, well played.

    I absolutely love how you guys started the tree house as a neighborhood watch inspiration that nearly distracted from its original purpose. It seems like a rendition of “Little Rascals: The Adult Years.” I love it when people can connect with their inner youth again like that. It’s one of the things I love about your work Slade, that sense of play and adventure that you never lose sight of. Even in your relationships, there’s a conquest or a journey to be had. It’s what makes reading so many or your stories enjoyable. Keep up the great work.

    Ofelia

    • Slade Ham says:

      It really did almost contradict itself.

      Thanks for the observation. I try to keep that spirit as often as I can. I enjoy exploration I suppose, and nobody is better at that than children. Age may catch me physically, but I have no intention of letting it kill the inner Pan. There are a lot more journeys to go on.

      You rock, Ofelia. Thanks for reading.

  5. Richard Cox says:

    Now that’s a badass tree house. As I was reading I was struggling to understand how you were using the crates, so I’m glad you added the picture. And the shit you said in the back seat and at the station was hilarious. Hats off, dude.

    One of my best friends is a cop. I knew him before he took the job and have been able to watch the effect the job has had on him. And he’s definitely someone who probably always wanted to be a cop. I find it interesting because cops do a job most of us don’t want to do, but they get a bad rap when they make even small mistakes, and especially when they cover them up. Whereas at work I think nothing of trying to gloss over or ignore my own mistakes. Of course policemen have the public’s safety in their hands, but they’re also humans. It’s a complex thing, because like anyone else I become outraged when I hear about unfair treatment or police brutality. But my friend tells me so many stories about how horrible humans are to each other, or to cops, and the hilariously stupid things people will say and do to cops, and when one of your best friends describes the life to you, you can see how it’s not nearly as black and white as we’d like it to be.

    All that being said, I hope there is a special place reserved in hell for traffic cops who drive unmarked cars and pull people over for speeding. Hahaha.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Once I realized that I was going in, all bets were off. I can be a pretty passive guy, but not that night.

      I do believe that there are some really great officers out there, and it is not an easy gig. Abuse of power really sets me off. I also realize though, that I am generalizing a nation of police officers based on a handful of shitty encounters of my own. Hahaha, not a cool trait at all.

      And yes… May the unmarked officers burn eternally. And motorcycle cops. Ugh. They hide in the bushes like some kind of goddamned lizard with their little radar guns and ticket books…

      I mentioned it in reply to Lorna, but that picture is not the complete version. There was quite a bit more to it than that. It really was a fun summer.

      • Richard Cox says:

        Also, when you said you were a Dragon Slayer, I couldn’t help but think of Dirk the Daring. Remember him?

        I’ve never been pulled over by a motorcycle cop (knock on wood), but I assume they’re worse because all they do is write traffic tickets. That’s not exactly Bad Boys territory. I mean is speeding really that big of an issue that we need Evel Knievel hiding in the bushes watching for us?

        • Slade Ham says:

          Ah! I used to LOVE that game. Funny how pathetic it looks compared to today’s technology though. There were so many ways to die… I’m waxing nostalgic now. Wow.

          They used to have a particular motorcycle cop in my hometown that was notorious. There were urban legends of him having ticketed his own mother, etc. Not one person in a city of 115,000 was unaware of him. He was a demon. Officer Burmeister actually…

        • Lorna says:

          The cops around here patrol the freeways in unmarked white utility construction trucks. I was merging onto the freeway the other day and saw the government license plate on the utility truck. I decided to stay back and watch. Once we reached speed another truck passed him. I’m just hanging back and following the white truck when sure enough off go flashing red and blue lights around the top of the utility bed and the headlights start flashing. I am soooo happy I pay attention to these things. That’s seems like entrapment to me!

        • Richard Cox says:

          White construction trucks?? Wow, now that’s shady. I’ve been waiting for the police around here to start with import cars, because right now they mainly stick with Ford and Dodge sedans. I don’t trust any plain-looking domestic sedan anymore until I see the driver. Except yesterday I witnessed an accident and stopped to help the dudes who hit each other, and when the cops finally arrived, the guy was in a white Taurus and wasn’t even wearing a uniform. He was very nice, but how the hell do I even know he’s a cop?

          I should order some red and blue interior lights on the Internet and start pulling hot chicks over in my own car.

          “Yeah, sure, honey. I’ll let you off with a ‘warning.'”

        • Lorna says:

          Yeah Rich, they drive plain domestics here too and are out of uniform. I saw a lady getting pulled over and the cop was wearing plain clothes and a baseball cap. I don’t know that I would feel comfortable pulling over for an unmarked car with an un-uniformed male officer. I’d probably get hauled off to jail for not stopping. But I guess if I saw the government plate…..maybe I’d have to pull over.

          Don’t they have more hardened criminals to catch? Geez.

  6. Amanda says:

    Firstly, that is a sweet, sweet treehouse.

    Secondly, your neighbourhood vigilante story reminds me of the anti-crime posse in “After Hours”. All you needed was Terri Garr as your leader and you’d have been set.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Ahh, yes. You have to love Scorsese. He can do the film adaptation. They better cast someone cool to play me.

      • Amanda says:

        …which, of course, begs the question, “who would play you?”

        • Slade Ham says:

          Hmmm. It’s tough, because I don’t think I look like anyone. I want to be the breakout role for Dave Grohl, hahaha.

          I’m open to suggestions.

        • Amanda says:

          Hmmm, that could work. I was inclined to suggest someone totally unknown, like…one of the dudes from Leningrad Cowboys…but, it’s just not believable that those guys build treehouses. Dave Grohl on the other hand, he seems like a man who knows how to irresponsibly wield a hammer.

        • Slade Ham says:

          The LC? I’m gonna have to do something about my hair…

        • Amanda says:

          Not, you know, out of any sort of actual resemblance…just, that the L.C. guys seem like they’d throw a convincing fit in the back of a police car.

        • Slade Ham says:

          No doubt. Or Henry Rollins. He would need to be taller, but I’d take it.

  7. Mary says:

    So wait, your neighbor openly admitted that the plan was to take the law into his own hands and you get arrested for cracking a little joke? Dang.

    • Slade Ham says:

      That’s exactly what happened. Astounding, no? And mt timing was impeccable. That cop really had no sense of humor.

      And no soul either.

  8. Judy Prince says:

    Slade, that treehouse’s so ugly it’s beautiful. My first tea-spit moment: “I had read enough Spider-man comics to be elected leader…” Other tea-spits with the guys’ ideas for getting the thieves, then you in the jail interview. I lost it with: “I even went so far as to ask myself “What Would Jesus Do?” Then I remembered that Jesus was a carpenter. He could probably dismantle the entire thing in an afternoon.” You’re good enuff to do standup!

    • Slade Ham says:

      It was hideous really. I have an affinity for things like that though. It’s very Mad Max/steampunk/post-apocalyptic. I absolutely loved the WWJD line when it hit me. Sometimes the right line just surfaces, and all you can do is mouth a silent “thank you” to the Muses.

      And I might just give that stand up thing a try 😉

      PS – Love the lightsaber btw. I’ve been gone for a week so I feel a bit out of the loop. I also intend to get over to your latest entry. Just scrambling to catch up today.

      • Judy Prince says:

        That’s it, Slade: Mad Max! The t’house’s truly design-grand, seriously. Thx for the lightsaber luv; Rich done good! And I’m totally with you here: “Sometimes the right line just surfaces, and all you can do is mouth a silent “thank you” to the Muses.”

        • Slade Ham says:

          Ah, so it IS from mine and Rich’s shop. Good job RC.

          If I could only figure out to recreate those flashes of inspiration… They truly are gifts.

  9. Matt says:

    That is one sweet-ass treehouse. My inner child wants to just climb into that photo and play around.

    And what a charming, charming cop you landed. Know what else will decrease your ability to be intimidated by police? Working with them. I had a civilian job with a police department for three years while I was in college. Had to learn radio codes, procedures etc. as part and parcel to the whole thing. That information came in handy later while I was living in New Orleans. Motorcycle cop tried to write me trumped up $300+ speeding ticket, and gave me a whole world of shit in the process. I contested it in court, cited every one of the numerous times he violated procedure, and got the ticket thrown out. Sweet, sweet day.

    • Slade Ham says:

      It really was a glorious place to play.

      Lucky you, with the insider info. All of my police knowledge stems from Law & Order and CSI reruns. None of that shit holds up when you pull it on a real life officer though. I cheer every time someone gets out of a ticket. I hope if I’m ever selected for jury duty, it’s for a traffic citation case.

      Is it just me, or are motorcycle cops a thousand times worse than regular cops?

      • Matt says:

        This one was a HUGE asshole, way bigger than any of the ones I’d worked with (99.9% of them where really cool people). I’m not going to say too much more about it, as I suspect I might just have a TNB post in the making, but I can tell you he was riled by the fact that I wasn’t intimidated by him, and could list all of my rights and how he was violating them. Cops hate it when you tell them “No, you can’t do that,” and cite a legal reason why.

        • Slade Ham says:

          So you’re gonna write the story, yes?

        • Matt says:

          Already 400 words in.

        • Slade Ham says:

          I have something to look forward to then.

        • Matt says:

          In the meantime, you can always double back and read the one I posted while you were away.

          You know, the one you just knocked off the top of the “most read” column. Jerk.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Sorry about that, hahaha. If it’s any consolation, this is all just talk of boobies and people we want to sleep with.

          Can’t believe I missed your last one. In my defense, I was without internet for 6 straight days while I hid in a canyon and watched the stars. I feel like I’ve missed a ton. I’m on it.

        • Anon says:

          “…this is all just talk of boobies and people we want to sleep with.” You say “just” as though they are frivolous topics or something.

        • Slade Ham says:

          It was an attempt to apologize for knocking him off the top slot. I hate when that happens. Personally, I find our two topics more important than religion or politics.

        • Matt says:

          It’s all right. My post was about child abuse. I put it up while you were off doing your man-meditations down a canyon (shall we get into the Freudian/vaginal implications of that?).

          But boobs and frivolous sex with celebrities is a far more interesting topic..even though, like Anon, I’m more of a leg man.

  10. Zara Potts says:

    Six eleven! Ha ha ha.
    Nice treehouse, Slade. My cousin has a similar treehouse in his back yard where he goes to drink beer and listen to the football. Unfortunately I have never seen it, because there are no girls allowed. Seriously.
    Nice piece! Stupid cop.

    • Slade Ham says:

      No girls allowed? That’s ridiculous. Who are you supposed to play Doctor with then? Hahaha.

      On a side note, when I welded the ladder together for mine, I made the rungs too far apart for kids to climb. I made a tree house that didn’t allow kids. I’m a horrible person.

      • Zara Potts says:

        I know!! It has been my sad and tragic luck to be banned from treehouses all my life. One day… one day, I’ll get there!
        And you’re not a horrible person, I don’t think there are enough adults making life difficult for children these days, so well done you.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Thank you for validating that. Now that i think about it, any good child should have already built a tree house in that tree. They are getting soft.

          When I make my first million, I’m totally flying your direction and building you a tree house of your own.

          That, and a pink Vitamin Water.

        • Zara Potts says:

          They’re totally soft. You taught them valuable life lessons by denying them access to your treehut. Suck on that, kids.
          Oh and you could start building another tree hut now so it’s ready in June when Simon Smithson and I come knocking on your door… you better have the pink vitamin water too….!

        • Slade Ham says:

          I’m going to market a pre-fabricated tree house model to Ikea. Some assembly required.

          And that’s right! I forgot about June. San Fran I take it?

        • Zara Potts says:

          No, we are road tripping it. From LA to NY then down south through Texas and back to LA. Better get hammering, Slade…

        • Anon says:

          This is classic timing. I come out of a hellishly long marathon meeting session and the first thing I see is “Suck on that, kids.” Not that you’re wrong, of course. As a father, I worry about this weakening of our offspring which is why I have the concertina-wire-strewn mud pit in the backyard for our nightly “you only get to eat what doesn’t get muddy” live-fire exercises.

          Slade, totally kick-ass treehouse and awesome story. Good instincts, too, on the wise-assery. In for a penny, in for a pound, yes?

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Anon – In for a pound indeed. There was no lack of commitment on my part. You fall in a rare category I’m afraid, as far as raising them tough. I have no children, but as an observer, parent are pretty soft in 2010. It’s disconcerting. My mom was a bad ass, and I’m better for it. She raised 4 boys as a single parent on a school teacher’s salary actually… and still managed to keep us in line. Weakness was not an option

          @ Zara – Seriously? I did not know that at all. Now I’m excited. I really must find a hammer now.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Live fire exercises?? Concertina wire? We are SO coming to your house for a barbeque, Anon.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Slade -seriously!!

        • Slade Ham says:

          How did I miss this little nugget of information?

        • Richard Cox says:

          So if you’re heading south through Texas on the way back, what route are you taking on the way there??

        • Anon says:

          Zara, excellent news! A cookout will give me the opportunity to dust off the ol’ M2 flamethrower we used to use before my wife played the “they’re only kids – take it easy on them” card. I haven’t had a good round of “roast chicken skeet” in ages…. (:

        • Zara Potts says:

          Richrob – we’re working out our route right now, but we were wanting to come through your town if possible…

        • Zara Potts says:

          Anon – I’m very excited about the flamethrower.. I will make sure I use extra hairspray that day just to add an extra danger component!!

        • Anon says:

          LOL. You’re a savage, woman. I knew I liked you. Have I already said that I hope my daughter grows up to be like you? I believe I have. Go back, find the comment and read it again. Twice. (;

        • Zara Potts says:

          You are the sweetest, Anon. Even with flamethrower, bobby traps and razor wire.

        • Zara Potts says:

          BOOBY traps. Not Bobby…

        • Richard Cox says:

          Ahem. “If possible”??? Pardon me????

        • Anon says:

          Meh. My daughter would prefer Bobby traps. And she’s only five. Yeesh – I am screwed.

          Amusing note: The other day, a neighbor told me her also-five-year-old son asked (with requisite devilish gleam), “Mommy, why do they call them ‘booby’ traps? Do you catch boobies in them?” I will neither confirm nor deny the inappropriateness of the images in my head when I now hear the term.

        • Richard Cox says:

          If you go through Dallas, Slade and I can meet you there. It’s about halfway between us, give or take.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Yesss… Dallas is very do-able.

          @ Anon – If only there was a sure fire way to trap boobies…

        • Anon says:

          I am a very clever and able fellow but my wife has vetoed my request to research this on behalf of maledom. Besides, she brings up a valid point: “Half of them wouldn’t know what to do with them once caught.”

        • Slade Ham says:

          Ah, yes. But half of us would… 😉

        • Zara Potts says:

          What IS it with guys and boobs???
          ANYWAY.. back to road trip planning – Awesome. So Richrob and Slade can meet us in Dallas? Brilliant!! You’re on. It’s a date.

        • Anon says:

          Then go forth and let the righteousness of your skill inspire you to discover the secret to effective booby-trapping! I offer you my preliminary notes, based on watching mass-media and staying up to catch South Park:

          1. Be funny, charming and handsome;
          2. Use decoys such as domesticated buddy-boobies to lure the wild boobies into range;
          3. Lots of cash may help but mostly seems to attract feral boobies, which can bite you in the ass. Not, like, the boobies themselves but more situationally-speaking.

        • Anon says:

          Zara, it’s less “guys and boobs” so much as “guys and women”. I would expound further and in wildly inappropriate detail but I have – surprise! – another meeting. Perhaps over the flamethrower barbecue.

        • Richard Cox says:

          There’s a whole bit about boobies in Role Models, a hilarious and under-appreciated film.

          “I like your take on boobies. And I LIKE BOOBIES!”

        • Zara Potts says:

          Feral boobies??? Jesus. That sounds worrisome.

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Z – There are three certainties. Death, taxes, and guys like boobies. As for Dallas, it all depends on when you’re there exactly, but absolutely. On my part anyway.

          @ Anon – I can knock out most of number 1. The rest I have to work on. I prefer a slightly more domesticated booby, though some of the wild variety are quite intriguing. Still, none that bite or are only lured in by money. those should be culled from the population by a game warden and euthanized.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Slade – We will be there probably somewhere around 20th of June.. still confirming dates but we can work around you guys. It would be great to catch up.

          Richrob – So glad you’re going to meet us in Dallas!!

          Anon – yes, lets have that coversation around the bbq. I will bring a notebook.

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Rich – The little black kid in that movie was hilarious. I don’t laugh at a lot, but I agree with you about RM. Btw, I have Made. It’s on my watch list for tonight.

          @ Z – I’m booked on the June 26 right now, but that’s it around then. This may work perfectly. I can block off the date whenever you guys decide specifically.

        • Richard Cox says:

          @ Slade – “Four of the smartest guys who ever lived. They’re these Jewish guys who grew up in New York and put on guitars and make up to get girls and all their songs are about fucking.”

          “You see, Ronnie, his dick is the gun!”

          Hahahaha.

          @ Zara – I may be in Port Aransas either the weekend of the 20th or the 26th, so once you guys have your schedule firmed up, let me know. When is the LA TNB event? I was thinking of trying to make it out for that as well.

        • Anon says:

          I love the fact that no one believes me when I tell the truth. “I’m afraid I need to cut this meeting short – need to get back to an online discussion about women’s breasts and male peccadilloes.” They all laughed. But they will never be able to say I lied to them.

          Slade, I’m afraid I need to be the exception to your certainty list (contrary to my starting the above booby-trap nonsense). Myself, I am primarily a “Mrs. Anon man”. Second-tier identification, though, puts me firmly (so to speak) in the legs-and-ass-man camp. Of course, damn near every part is gorgeous in its own way – makes me wonder why the “intelligent design” folks never picked up on that as evidence for their argument….

        • Slade Ham says:

          “You white, then you Ben Affleck. ”

          Hahahaha. I have to rewatch this now. Ronnie killed me.

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Anon – You don’t have to be the exception. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Being partial to legs-and-ass does not make you dislike boobies. Unless you actually do dislike boobies, in which case I’m sure we can find you a Keira Knightley DVD or two 🙂

          I feel like a seven year old saying “boobies” btw, hahaha. Back to my tree house I suppose.

        • Anon says:

          I’m laughing my ass off because Keira is one of only two women on my Fantasy Infidelity Team list. 😀

        • Anon says:

          (It’s the damned pirate boots – woof!)

        • Slade Ham says:

          Baahahahahaha! Fair enough. There is always an exception, hahaha. To be fair, I find her incredibly hot as well. You’re taste is awesome.

          Who, if I may ask, is the other? And why do you only get two? I thought the rule was five.

        • Richard Cox says:

          The rule is five.

          Keira, eh? I’m really curious to hear the other now, too.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Five? Does this count for girls too?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I always heard it was five too…

        • Richard Cox says:

          Of course it counts for girls!

          Freebie list

        • Slade Ham says:

          It’s definitely five. And yes, Z. Girls too. You get a celebrity wish list, and in the unlikely event that the opportunity ever comes up, you get to close the deal with no consequences, regardless of who you’re with. Your significant other has to understand, since they have a list of their own.

          My list changes constantly though. Constantly.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Oh well, that’s easy then. Anyone EXCEPT CLIVE BLOODY OWEN.

        • Slade Ham says:

          No no no, you don’t get off that easy. You have to declare your five.

        • Anon says:

          I am a man of good taste in fantasy and devotion to reality – I only need two. Much like a Congressional debate, I relinquish my remaining three fantasy females to the gentlemen from Texas. As for the other, I’m afraid she is a real – and non-celebrity – human. I find it highly unlikely that she would ever stumble across these pages but stranger things have happened on “teh intarwebz” and so she must remain nameless. When in doubt, dishonor no one.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Okay then.
          In no particular order:
          Javier Bardem
          Benicio Del Toro
          Gael Garcia Bernal
          Thom Yorke
          Joaquin Phoenix.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Your turn Slade…

        • Anon says:

          In no particular order? Why, you kinky little minx!

        • Richard Cox says:

          As soon as someone mentions the game, invariably the lists aren’t far behind.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Ha ha ha! Love these lists.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Okay, okay, hahaha… I do need a bit to reevaluate mine though. Let me catch up on comments and mull over my five for a moment. Where’s yours Rich? Huh? Huh? 🙂

        • Anon says:

          “Where’s yours Rich? Huh? Huh?”

          For those of you in our audience at home, this technique is referred to as “deflection”…. ( :

        • Anon says:

          Wow, that is one mutant frigging smiley. Sorry.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Total deflection, hahaha. no really, I’m on it. That smiley IS awful. It’s like Sloth from the Goonies.

        • Becky says:

          Domesticated buddy-boobies.

          This is my favorite. I am no longer “friend girl.” I am a domesticated boobie.

          I can’t believe I missed all this! I am sad. 🙁

          My freebie list:

          Joaquin Phoenix (pre-cuckoo-nuts–preferably of the “Quills” era)
          Jude Law
          Johnny Depp
          Christian Bale
          Jonathan Rhys Myers (King Henry was a naughty, naughty boy.)

          My list is boring. And very pretty.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Ooooh it was a toss up between Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Thom yorke for me… I threw in Thom because he’s just SO strange looking.
          Yours is a beautiful list, Becky. And I’m doubly glad that the awful Clive Owen isn’t on it.

        • Becky says:

          Nope nope. Clive Owen is too rugged.

          I know I’ve said this before on TNB, but I have long held that there are essentially two types of women when it comes to their preferred types of men. You’re either a Luke Skywalker girl or a Han Solo girl.

          (This fits in well with our gravatar theme, I think.)

          Anyway, there’s a sliding scale for both types, but it is pretty clear, for about 90% of men, where they fit.

          And I am definitely a Luke Skywalker girl. So, naturally, I married a Han Solo.

          Because these are the cruel jokes that God plays on us.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Okay, I intended to think about this and have gotten sidetracked, but I’ll loft out five now for the sake of playing along. I retain the right to amend this though 🙂

          Hayley Williams – Unequivocally my first choice
          Katee Sackhoff – She had me at Battlestar
          Jennifer Aniston – Probably not a popular choice, but I have my reasons…
          Doutzen Kroes – There was bound to be a Dutch girl on this list. They’re my kryptonite.
          Shakira – She is replacing Jessica Alba for now. The hips don’t lie.

          Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz, and Brittney Spears have all been ousted from once held their places. Babies tend to cost you your ranking.

        • Zara Potts says:

          I’ve not heard that before, but you are right.
          I’m definitely a Han Solo girl.
          but I do like the uniforms of the Dark Side.

        • Becky says:

          Slade, Cameron Diaz doesn’t have any babies.

          Does she?

          Though I must say, she has not aged well.

          Zara, there is something very anglo-centric about the Luke/Han thing, I have to admit, but those movies were sort of devoid of properly archetypal ethnic candidates.

          Like, who’s a Lando Girl?

          Betrayal is not sexy. Redemption is, but man, that whole Cloud City thing was UGLY.

        • Becky says:

          Also, Slade, good work with the Aniston thing there.

          I am totally team Jen.

          Her personal life seems to reveal that she, like me, is a domesticated boobie to a lot of men.

          We are keepers of the secret domesticated boobie magic. W00t.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Cloud City sucked, for sure.

        • Richard Cox says:

          About to go play basketball but I will hammer this out quickly (which means I reserve the right to replace any of these for someone I forgot about):

          Melisa Theuriau

          Scarlett Johansson

          Alessandra Ambrosio

          Emmanuelle Chriqui

          Kate Beckinsale

          Honorable mention to Marisa Miller, Bar Refaeli, and Evangeline Lilly.

          No particular order. Ka-ching!

        • Becky says:

          Totally harsh.

          Not cool, Lando. Not. Cool.

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Becky – I should rephrase that. I’m betting Aniston is not popular amongst the men. We shall see I suppose. Cameron is childless, but she is not the Cameron I used to adore. I want the Something About Mary Cameron Diaz on my list. Not this creature she’s become.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Interestingly enough, Slade, I have in the past referred to Aniston as ‘Movie Kryptonite’.

          So that’s a double-dose of kryptonite you’ve got yourself there.

        • Becky says:

          Well, Slade, from what I hear, the problems in her relationships have to do with her being down to earth and a good friend and partner and confidant and so on, but lacking something romantically.

          Which, of course, is code for no one has been able to draw her out, and if you can, you’re in for the ride of your life.

          Not that I’d know anything about that.

          But now this is just gossip.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Richard has a nice international favour to his list… it has a certain class… a je ne sais quoi if you will…

        • Becky says:

          Richard has an orange girl in the first spot!

          *balk*

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Rich – Emmanuelle Chriqui and Bar Refaeli both could easily be substituted for Alba on mine. Bar almost was actually. You bring a strong five to the table indeed.

          @ Simon – I’m jsut keeping the superhero theme alive. So where’s your list of kryptonite?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh and Zara: I notice a Latin theme you’ve got going on there…

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Becky – I’d be absolutely willing to give it hell 🙂

          @ James – It does, does it not? Out with your list now!

        • Anon says:

          Becky: Okay, I’m not quite as into the whole Star Wars thing as everyone else but, as I recall it, Lando betrayed to save his city. Save a semi-friendly rival/wingman (who you feel is unfairly tooling around in your bitchin’ ride) or save your entire city from Imperial oppression? Life is full of hard choices. Can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same, though I’d like to think I would’ve planned a decent triple-cross prior to the deep freeze.

        • Becky says:

          Anon, you are obviously a communist.

          I am breaking up with you.

        • Anon says:

          And Rich and Slade, technically you have an additional three to split due to my generosity. I suppose that means you could each include a midget, masculine chick or quadraplegic. Or just rock-paper-scissors to see who gets two and the other one.

        • Anon says:

          The only thing worse than getting dumped is not knowing you were involved with the dumper. Great. Now I have to explain to my wife that I was unknowingly having an affair but it didn’t mean anything because I didn’t know it was happening and wasn’t actually involved in it. Then I have to mourn both. Great. And with Lost coming on any minute.

        • Becky says:

          If I had any idea at all who you were, I would go straight to the tabloids just to spite you.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Garofalo, hahaha, of course. She was a Houston comic for quite a while actually. I’m with ya on Miss. She was briefly in Heroes, as you well know, but I liked her there. I should go back and make my list links.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Okay Slade, off the top of my head:

          Olivia Wilde

          Kiera Knightley (for the sake of national pride, if nothing else)

          Zooey Deschanel

          Elizabeth Banks

          Alyson Hannigan

        • Anon says:

          And, Becky, that is why I remain anonymous. I’ll still drink with you virtually, though. I’m that kind of an ex.

        • Becky says:

          Oh. Onto domesticated boobie, am I?

          Not so fast, Buster.

          That’s right.

          BUSTER.

          You’ve still got 3 slots to fill. And I mean it.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Banks was incredibly hot in Zac and Miri. Great choice. And Zooey was another one that I considered. Poor Alba is so about to get knocked off I’m afraid.

          And Hannigan is just awesome. Seriously.

        • Becky says:

          And you watch Lost?

          I break up with you again just for that.

        • Anon says:

          As much as I get an inappropriately pleasurable twinge at a strange woman demanding that I “fill three slots”, my fantasy list stands steady at two. And I must now numb my brain with television (need to restock the scotch).

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I struggled initially. If I was a pun enthusiast I might say I found making the choices quite hard…

          So many great choices being made… and I forgot to include Kristen Bell…

        • Becky says:

          I forgot to include Tom Everett Scott.

          I bump Jude Law to honorable mention and place this sexy, somewhat disheveled man in his stead:

          http://www.seriesadictos.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/tom.jpg

        • Zara Potts says:

          @Simon -I know! I only just noticed it myself.
          Excluding Thom Yorke and his bung eye of course…

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ James – Another Heroes girl. I kicked the idea of including her as well, and if the opportunity arose, I would take my lumps even if she weren’t in my 5.

        • Lorna says:

          Wow, you leave for a few hours and look what happens. You guys are so thorough to tag your lists. hahaha.

        • Richard Cox says:

          Thank you, James. I didn’t realize until you pointed it out that there was a different nationality in each spot. And excellent choice with Elizabeth Banks. She drove me insane in 40 Year Old Virgin.

          Becky, Melisa only looks like that (I think) because of the news makeup and because that pic is probably Photoshopped.

          Slade, wow wow wowzers on Doutzen Kroes. She’s new to me. I’m also a big Jen fan, but for whatever reason Katee never did it for me. Love Battlestar, though.

        • Richard Cox says:

          Simon, the circle is now complete with your inclusion of Janeane Garofalo. Haha.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Katee is 100% on there because of the Starbuck character. The short haired one too, not the long haired one. It just works for me. Can’t quite explain it.

          And welcome to my Doutzen Kroes crush. Holland has some incredible exports. The last time I was there, I fell in love four times in the airport. I never even talked to them either.

        • Matt says:

          Man, sorry I missed this scintillating intellectual conversation for the better part of the evening!

          My list pretty much gets reevaluated on a quarterly basis, but currently, in no particular order:

          1. Olivia Wilde
          2. Eva Green
          3. Christina Hendricks
          4. Vera Farmiga
          5. Anne Hathaway

        • Matt says:

          I should add that both Zooey Deschanel and her sister Emily are fighting it out for spot #6, and the chance to bump Hathaway or Farmiga off and slip into the top 5.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Richard— I only saw The 40 Year Old Virgin recently. I really wasn’t expecting *that* scene.
          And the French news reader is incredible, it’s just not the best picture; presumably because it’s a screen grab or something…

          Slade— Dutch girls are the best thing about Holland. It was unreal how pretty Dutch girls are. My friend and I got lost one night and went into a bar to ask for help. Ten minutes later we left, and all we could remember was how pretty the barmaid had been…

        • Richard Cox says:

          Booking flight to Amsterdam as we speak…

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Sir, I envy you immensely.

          I recommend Cafe Berkhout on Stadhouderskade. It’s across the street from the Heineken Experience. It’s a fantastic bar. Go any day other than Monday and try their burgers too… I miss that place.

          I stayed at the Hotel Paganini which is just down the road, and I went there pretty much every night. The barman gave me and my friend a bar tab, which was just so cool at the time…

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Matt – Olivia Wilde is a popular choice here I see. You also share a love of Christina Hendricks with one of my really close friends. She would be all five of his choices.

          @ Rich – Makes you want to go, no? Btw, watched Made last night. Awesome film… not sure how the hell I missed it originally. I had forgotten about the Screech scene, and when he walked up, I literally had to stop the movie for a bit. Vince Vaughn was brilliant. Holy shit. Totally frustrating character to watch. Thanks for the recommendation. I owe ya one.

          @ James – We should all take a group field trip. I know the EXACT bar you speak of btw.

        • Richard Cox says:

          Slade, I have a friend who can’t watch Made because he can’t stand Vince Vaughn’s character. I can see what he means but I find it far more hilarious than frustrating. Or maybe that’s because I’ve seen it four or five hundred times by now.

          Did you watch the first set of outtakes? The per diem scene? If not you’re not quite finished. That’s funnier than the film itself. Glad you enjoyed it.

          And yes, while I am not actually booking a flight today, I do want to go. My next two European destinations are Sweden and the Netherlands for sure.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Slade, you’re shitting me?! Seriously? With the leather couch in one corner and beautiful dark haired barmaid?

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I totally be up for a TNB field trip to Amsterdam. There should be a TNB Europe Live Event.

          Richard— Stockholm is almost as awesome as Amsterdam.

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ James – I can’t speak for the dark-haired barmaid, but I distinctly remember dark wood and mirrors and particularly red curtains. Literally right by the Heineken Experience. 8:00 am the day after Queen’s Night actually, Guinness there during a six hour layover.

          I’m almost certain that was the name of it.

          @ Rich – I haven’t watched the outtakes yet. I shall. And yes, Vaughn’s character was almost unwatchable, at least the first time. Now that I know where it all ends, it should be easier.

          TNB A-dam? Who’s in?

        • James D. Irwin says:

          *I’d* totally be up…

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Lots of dark wood… yeah.

          This place: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3281/2632259226_0cf981a69c.jpg?v=1215032397

          I only drank Heineken and Wild Turkey there (before I discovered Jameson).

          I’m in for TNB A-dam. For sure…

        • Slade Ham says:

          That’s the place! The inside is all done in that same wood, no? I have to see if I have pictures from that particular trip somewhere.

          Turkey is a beast. I’ll do a shot, but only if I need to punch someone in the face.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Yes! It remains probably my favourite bar in the world. It was fantastic. I watched the European Championship final in there in 2008.

          I only drink Wild Turkey on rare occasions, and usually only if I’ve recently been reading Hunter S. Thompson.

          The last time I drank Wild Turkey was after two pints of Guinness and a lot of red wine. Half an hour later I was being dragged out of a bar laughing hysterically… I’m still not sure what I did…

        • Slade Ham says:

          HST is an acceptable reason as well.

        • Richard Cox says:

          You know, Slade? That’s probably it. My buddy and I watched the outtakes immediately after the first viewing, and when you see Favreau and Vaughn having such a good time trying to spit out their improvised lines, it relaxes a bit of the tension of Ricky Slade being so annoying. Also, the first time I watched it I was drinking. And drinking makes everything funny.

          I’m serious. That first set of outtakes might be the funniest thing ever put on film (again I admit I was drinking the first time I saw them, and once something gets imprinted into your brain as being funny, it’s always funny…and vice versa, I suppose).

        • Slade Ham says:

          Drinking does make everything funnier, especially if you’re with other people. Ricky was stressful. Really. He was like watching a child play with a knife through a window. You couldn’t do anything to help… just watch and hope he didn’t fuck up too bad.

  11. Adam Komar says:

    Ah, stupid cops. What’s not to hate?

    • Slade Ham says:

      I forgot about your recent encounter. I still need to read it, though you did tell me the story.

      • Adam Komar says:

        You got the quick and ugly. Go read the long and ugly: http://adamkomar.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/conroes-finest/

        • Slade Ham says:

          Look at you, pimping your wares in my comments 😉

        • Erika Rae says:

          I am so entertained by this comment stream that I forgot for a minute why the hell I’m here in the first place. Slade. This post. So awesome. I am totally going to use your “Are you getting smart with me?” line. I can’t believe you guys went all Philly on the car, though! Dude!

          @Matt – I’m so glad SOMEBODY included Eva Green in their list. Even I’d consider switching camps for her.

          Nobody claimed Audrey Tautou?

          I don’t have a hottest guy list. Is that weird? Try not to read too much into that.

        • Slade Ham says:

          We did indeed, though to be fair, we had hit a very liberal threshold. They had it coming, and Henry took some sick swings. I may have downplayed my own role a bit 😉

          I find it hard to believe that you don’t have a list. I mean, I believe you, but still… you should have one. Just in case. I have been awed by the comments here as well. It’s kept me from anything productive for a full day.

          Thanks for digging it btw. I’m glad it entertained.

  12. […] up on my reading over at The Nervous Breakdown, and I have to tell you, I love these folks. There are a lot of great pieces up lately, so go check them […]

  13. Irene Zion says:

    Slade,
    I ALWAYS knew you were a natural at dragon-slaying!
    I will count on you for this task whenever it should come up.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Irene, I love the fact that you now have a saber as well.

      Dragon slaying a gift I suppose, and I will happily come charging in if the need arises. I should get a Bat Signal of some sort.
      ..

  14. Irene Zion says:

    Yeah, but I’m on Tatooine, so I think that, in this small case, I am cooler than you.

    I’m trying to imagine what signal in the sky would catch the attention and action of a true dragon-slayer.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Damn, I just noticed the Tatooine background. That’s fancy work. I humbly bow to your brilliant choice of locale.

      And if you could just manage to flash a glass of Irish whiskey into the air, I’m sure I could find my way.

  15. James D. Irwin says:

    That’s one awesome tree house.

    Also, so much cooler than the bullshit I put down everytime I have to fill out a form/document etc…

    • Slade Ham says:

      I am notorious for putting outrageous things in the “career” blank on forms. Jedi. ninja. Bounty Hunter. Dragon Slayer. What are they going to do to you for lying? Honestly?

      And I’m back on an even keel now. Let’s talk some more about your project. I have a few comics that will be happy to help out.

      • James D. Irwin says:

        You mean the thing I sent you an e-mail about?

        • Slade Ham says:

          Yep.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Awesome.

          Thanks to Riley Fox I already have much, much more material on the way than I envisaged… and I mean obviously the more the better… the use of equipment and the editing suite here is free, and I’m currently planning on abusing that to make as long a film as I can— not for the sake of it, but because I have a lot of material and ideas to work with.

          I’m going to finish the script in the next two weeks, now that the story is fully in place and I’ve made a definite decision on the length I’m aiming for…

        • Slade Ham says:

          Lemme know what blanks I can fill in.

          On an unrelated note, I may never allow you to reply to my posts again. After our last conversation – every time i see your Gravatar – Tom’s Diner gets stuck in my head. I clearly made the subconscious association between you and the song, and it’s been driving me mad for the last hour, hahaha.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I really need to change my Gravatar.

          I’m 21 this year. I was 16 when the picture was taken…

          I’d forgotten all about that song… thanks…

        • Slade Ham says:

          I will not suffer alone.

          Do do do do….

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I’m in the process of chaning it. All I have are unflattering pictures from St. Patrick’s Day…

        • Slade Ham says:

          With your incredible taste in alcohols, I would be disappointed if you did have flattering pics from St. Patty’s Day. I take it it went as expected this year?

        • James D. Irwin says:

          From what I’ve heard I had a great time…

          I got thrown out of the bar at one point, but I charmed my way back in AND convinced the bouncer I was genuinely Irish.

          Apparently I also drank vinegar and almost started a fight with someone… I actually got drunk twice. I drank seven cans of Guinness in the 90 minutes I was at the party. People started talking about how they were going to get me home… then I had a glass of Jameson and proceeded to headbang for the rest of the night/morning…

          All I really remember is walking home, complaining that no-one ‘made as much effort’ as I had and being told by a ginger dude that I was ‘drunk enough for everyone’…

        • Slade Ham says:

          Headbanging and James? Bravo. That sounds like a flawless victory to me, my friend.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          The gravatar hasn’t uploaded yet.

          It features Guinness. I don’t remember it being taken, but it’s a lot less embarassing than the pictures of me staring face down at my chips (which I smothered in hot chilli sauce, and then mayonaise to ‘balance it out’…)

          It was quite a victory. I woke up tired, but otherwise fine. I’ve never had so much Guinness in one night. I can’t believe I managed to walk home unassisted…

        • Slade Ham says:

          Still no Gravatar? Weird. Did I ever show you the picture of my Guinness personal record? I must have, because it’s a huge bragging point for me….

        • James D. Irwin says:

          My Gravatar has changed now…

          I have not seen your Guinness personal record. I would very much like to though…

        • Slade Ham says:

          Ah, yes. There’s a well poured beer.

          I feel I should explain the circumstances in which I knocked these down.

          It was my club at the time, so it only cost me $20 for the case. Also, I did it over the course of six hours. Still, marathon pace. I was very, very happy by 2am. I also had to pee a lot.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I get upset if Guinness gets poured badly. That was in an Irish bar so the staff are pretty well practiced. There’s a barmaid somewhere else that keeps fucking up by trying to do the clover in the foam nonsense. AND at my last university I was served a Guinness that had NO head on it at all… I was impressed.

          Now, are those the pint bottles or the 330ml bottles? I mean either way is impressive, I just want to get an idea of what I should be aiming for…

        • Slade Ham says:

          That clover shit annoys me too. Pour half, let it sit, pour the other, serve. And they’re just 12 ounces. I was one shy of the case, but only because I ran out. It’s a noble goal… and one I wouldn’t be too eager to try again.

          No head on a Guinness? How?

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I get anxious when it looks like they’re going to pour too much… like it’s fucking £3, don’t fuck it up for me!

          The cans here are just shy of a pint. I had seven of those and three pints. And a Jameson. I think that stands as my personal best, and even more impressive given that Guinness is strong and heavy… And I did throw up.

          I’ve had arguably more than that in the form of several white russians, two glasses of JD, a bit of jim beam, two pints of guinness, a peroni and half a bottle of white wine but it doesn’t really count if you don’t keep it down…

          As for the headless Guinness… I only wish I knew…

        • Slade Ham says:

          I can’t do a lot of mixing. I avoid sugary shit at all costs… no Jager, schnapps, etc. And if I drink wine, I stick to wine. I pick something for the night and stick with it.

          And headless Guinness sounds like fucking witchcraft.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          It’s the sugary stuff that causes vomitting and hangovers apparently. I don’t like mixing drinks too much. Someone forced Jager on me once. It was disgusting.

          I only like red wine. We had a ‘method acting’ class/party at the end of last term where I was Keith Richards. I drank two bottles of red wine. I’m not proud of myself. I stole my friends bottle and then when I was done I filled it up again from the wine box…

          All I can remember is trying not to fall over whilst someone was telling me about what a great actor I was…

          Witchcraft is the only explanation…

        • Slade Ham says:

          Johnny Depp does such a great Keith Richards. Two bottles of wine, and you hardly have to act anymore.

          Jager confuses me. It’s popularity is staggering, while the black jellybean is still completely hated by everyone. It’s very contradictory.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Exactly… I really wasn’t acting at all. I spent the rest of the afternoon being held up by my friend Sara…

          Jager is pretty popular here… as are all shots etc. I’ve never really got the whole drunk for the sake of being drunk thing. I never set out to get drunk… it’s always a very happy accident…

  16. That was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Aw, thanks Julie. It was a long read, I know. I’m really quite grateful to anyone that finished it, much less laughed 🙂

  17. What a life you lead, Slade. I wanna live in your shoes for a day. Or two. Okay, maybe three.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Ah, if only it was as exciting as I make it sound. I would feel quite guilty turning my shoes over without a “caveat emptor” sticker though. I would much rather just share the walk with good friends than send someone off in these rusty, frustrated shoes. Thanks for reading, Rich.

  18. Simon Smithson says:

    Dude!

    You’re fucking Batman.

  19. angela says:

    that is a crazy story and an awesome duplex treehouse. you just need a spiral staircase and you’re set.

  20. Alana I. says:

    Dang it. I was reading your story and burned the eggs. The house is full of smoke and the alarm is going off. Now what am I gonna do? You should actually feel good about that. Your story was so entertaining, I almost burned my own house down just so I could finish reading it.

  21. Brandy says:

    “…news of the tiki torch someone had drunkenly dropped on one of the couches..” Oh Dear. I’m picturing a big flaming tree in my head. Hah!

    So I’m taking you to Costa Rica with me when the world ends. You’ll build a palace of tree houses for all of us left. I’m picturing something between ‘Alas, Babylon’ and ‘The Lost World’. I told you this comment wouldn’t be witty. 😉

    • Slade Ham says:

      A Costa Rican Ewok village… Do I have to build a tree house for Rush Limbaugh once I get there?

      • Becky says:

        This is messed up.

        I’m not even kidding when I say that I JUST posted a link to pictures of a Costa Rican Ewok village to my facebook this morning. I’ve been considering a vacation there.

        God as my witness, I had not read this particular exchange.

        Actually, it’s a Costa Rican hotel/resort with little cottages, but it LOOKS just like an Ewok village. And I said so.

        What’s up TNB mind meld? Jesus.

        Here is the link: http://www.almondsandcorals.com/gallery/

        • Slade Ham says:

          SSE in all it’s glory.

          That place looks amazing.

        • Becky says:

          Expensive, too (there’s worse, but they aren’t giving these cottages away); nevertheless, probably worth scrimping and saving for.

          Seriously gorgeous. I’m gonna give it a shot.

  22. Brandy says:

    “Costa Rican Ewok Village”. Hell Yeah, I’m bringing my gold bikini! If the Democrats have bought him a plane ticket by such time, you may build him a tree house. Then we can burn it down. Fire=Pretty.

    • Brandy says:

      –Hm, I take that back. Can you imagine having Rush Limbaugh as your tree house neighbor in the post-apocalypse new world? If no strippers made it, you’d have to have someone to bear-bait.

      • Slade Ham says:

        But strippers are so much fun to feed to bears. We would have to bring bears to Costa Rica though.

        • Brandy says:

          Sweet! So–you take of the bear transportation and I’ll bring the Guinness and the gold bikini?

        • Slade Ham says:

          Only if bears are considered carry on. I’m not paying $25. Something else will have to eat Limbaugh.

        • Brandy says:

          Well, I’ve noticed at the airport if the ‘carry on’ doesn’t fit they pink tag it now and put it underneath (at no charge of course). It’s a valid loophole and we’d have the fun of watching the flight attendant tag it and stow it.

  23. JB says:

    This is a tour de force TNB moment. It’s like The Warriors meets…I dunno, Little Rascals?

    JB

    • Slade Ham says:

      Thanks for reading what ended up being a very long piece. I hope it was as fun to read as it was to write though.

      Can you dig it?!

      I’m now adding The Warriors to my movies-I-must-rewatch-this-week list.

  24. Becky says:

    Slade, I have to tell you, I think you would get along swimmingly with some of my male friends.

    The pointless handyman adventure project is practically a ritual among them.

    I wouldn’t know where to start explaining, except to say that the best ideas almost always involve alcohol and have included–but have not been limited to:

    Human Dolly Bowling
    Extreme vegetable garden mini-golf: The drinking game
    “Hey, let’s build an ice house out of glass”

    I’m sure your input would only enhance the experience for everyone. Especially if you could give them an actual reason why they were doing these kinds of things–and super especially if that reason was vigilante justice.

    • Slade Ham says:

      If they ever need a new member… I can justify building just about anything.

      • Becky says:

        Let me know when you’re in the Twin Cities. I’ll arrange the most awesome sausage party ever.

        Just for you.

        • Slade Ham says:

          I need to play up there, if for no other reason than the fact that I am a huge Prince fan… as evidenced by my conversation with Simon somewhere further up. I won’t go in the winter, that much I know. I’ll build all kinds of cool shit in the summer though.

        • Becky says:

          Well, you’re right. We DO all live in igloos all winter.

          I mean, we have houses, but just to really scare people and make ourselves look like jackpine savages, we build the igloos.

          Winter can be cold. But snow and ice makes for a lot of fun, too. Just sayin’. We know how to clothe you so that the cold will not interfere, but if you insist on being a scaredy-cat, our summers are awesome, too.

          Hot and humid as hell, but it’s humid because of the gazillion lakes and rivers, which we play in a lot.

          Also, yes indeed. We have Prince. Paisley Park and all. Come ahead.

        • Slade Ham says:

          I just want to make sure I have some place to park my horse. I adore stereotypes. Regardless of the weather, I would make the trip for Prince. There’s a great comedy club up there. You just never know… I haven’t been north in a while.

        • Becky says:

          A horse?

          Nonsense.

          Not when we have Ton-Tons.

        • Slade Ham says:

          I suppose I would have to sleep somewhere…

  25. Simone says:

    “You solved the crime! Yippee ki yay, motherfucker! Oh wait, I can’t say that, can I?

    Ok, seriously, you totally fucking ROCK!! You are my idol AND you slay dragons. Oh, yes, you ROCK!!

    For you to just go balls to the wall and *soek kak with the cops like that is just heroic.

    The treehouse is awesome. I can just imagine the fun you blokes would’ve had in that.

    *To “Soek Kak” is a common South African term meaning “To look for shit”.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Thanks, Simone. I have a tendency to go for broke. Once I realize I can’t talk my way out of something, I just talk my way deeper in. The only way out is through, right? It was worth every second.

      I miss that little fort. I do.

  26. Brilliant story! One of the funniest, most entertaining tales I’ve heard in a long time.

    • Slade Ham says:

      That’s a bold statement, as there have been some great stories told here lately. I’ll take the compliment graciously though. Thanks, David.

  27. Tawni says:

    Slade, you tell a great story. This made me laugh so many times. And the picture of your actual tree fort is the cherry on top of a sweet word sundae. Thanks. (:

    • Slade Ham says:

      Honestly, this type of storytelling is a bit new to me… sort of an experiment. Usually I’m more in my element with shorter, rantier stuff, but here lately I’ve felt quite at home doing this. Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it. Glad you enjoyed the sundae.

  28. jmblaine says:

    About the time
    this guy tells you
    he hauled two couches
    into a ramshackle treehouse
    he built to get away from his
    girlfriend
    you understand all you need
    to know as to how he took
    over TNB.
    Then you see that picture at the end
    and it’s like
    “Well, of course.”

    While some of us are trying
    to figure out how to write 200 word posts
    just to try to hold reader’s attention
    This guy writes about 2000 words
    and makes you read every word, no skim
    and want more when its over.

    Now my question is: Is Slade Ham
    a born communicator or does he really have to
    work at it or is it a combination of both?
    Did this post come quickly or did you have to cobble and craft
    the words and work them and get them just right?
    Because good writing always seems effortless
    like it flowed out magic and fast
    like an email
    but those of us who write know better.
    Or do we?

    • I’m with you on this one, wondering, JMB. What an excellent, classic piece of TNB mastery!

    • Slade Ham says:

      You are far too kind to me, JM. I’m relatively adept at getting a point across verbally, but that’s the product of ten years worth of stage time. I still feel very much like I’m learning to do it in print. In fairness, I have all day, every day to write. This one in particular was hammered out in a day, but it took ALL day. I would love to possess that magic, effortless gift, but alas…

      While the first draft tends to flow out of me somewhat easily, I am left to chisel and polish and edit and buff out all the dents and dings just like everyone else. It’s a wonderful kind of frustration though.

      I remain flattered that the stories get read.

  29. This has to go right into the “Classic TNB” category. Tree houses, jail time, dragon slayers, cops with ball cancer and a vigilante comedian. This has everything! A great read that put a smile on my face right when I needed one.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Hahaha, thank you, N.L. I did manage to cram quite a few things into this. I contemplated breaking it into two stories, but the truth was that it really was all one big interwoven tale, and I felt it deserved to be told that way. I’m glad to generate a smile. THAT validates me 🙂

  30. natalia247 says:

    Dragon Slaying, interesting career choice. There is unlimited potential, and like you said it could be very lucrative. Plus it will make you famous. I would ask if you need an apprentice, but I am dragon lover… Way to think outside the box. Oh yeah, cool Tree Mansion…

    • Slade Ham says:

      Hahaha, what is on your Bat signal?

      I feel as if I should clarify my position. The conflict lies in the fact that I too am a dragon lover. They seem very representative of my personality. I even have a few scattered across my work space at my house.

      The metaphor has always referred to the bad dragons, and the dragon slaying to my approach to attacking obstacles.

      Perhaps this should have been titled “Until All of the Bad Dragons Are Dead.”

  31. natalia247 says:

    It’s a dragon and there is a lightsaber too. I guess I should not have made it blue…

    • Slade Ham says:

      Hahaha, that is awesome! Wow. I thought that’s what it might be, but I did not want to be presumptuous.

  32. Lenore says:

    …and i can’t believe it took me so long to get to this! listen though: you should not kill dragons. they aren’t real. if you think you are killing a dragon, you’re actually killing an undercover cop in a dragon suit. then you’re fucked.

    btw, are these lightsaber pictures your fault? did you start this?

    • Slade Ham says:

      Well then, that’s entrapment on the cop’s part. No jury in the country will find me guilty.

      And yes, I’m afraid I might be responsible, though I can just as easily pin on Richard Cox. I think that we have joint custody of this lightsaber snowball effect.

      • Lenore says:

        the two of you have a lot to answer for, young man.

        • Slade Ham says:

          If you want to yell at me there’s a little red dispenser by the door. Take a number, and I will get to you as quickly as I possibly can 🙂 It’s a busy week when it comes to blaming me.

          I deserve it though. I really do.

  33. natalia247 says:

    If the presumtions are in my favor, presume away. hehehe…

  34. Greg Olear says:

    “Six-eleven.” That’s my favorite of the many great lines.

    This reminds me of my friend Brady, who got arrested in NYC for banging his fist on the hood of an SUV as said SUV almost ran him down in the crosswalk making an illegal right on red. It also reminded me of that Simpsons where they form the vigilante squad to fight the cat burglar.

    LISA: If you’re the police, who will police the police?
    HOMER: I dunno. Coast Guard?

    Excellent entry, Slade Dragons.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Vigilantes are cooler than they get credit for. Have you seen the previews for Kick Ass yet?

      Your friend has my sympathy. I think they arrest the wrong guy too many times, and sometimes just go for the easiest one to catch.

  35. Maggie Bridges says:

    LMAO!!! “Sometimes a virgin or a goat” hehe I laughed out loud when I read that… too funny Yeah the last time I passed through there the old tree house was looking pretty rough but still hanging in there somewhat. Thanks for the laugh, Slade, wish I could of made it out to see ya…next time for sure!

    • Slade Ham says:

      I told you I was going to do this story. I haven’t been by obviously, but I heard that the entire thing was gone now.

      I’ll make sure I keep you up to date on my schedule. Next show, for sure.

  36. Melinda says:

    Awesome story! I had never heard this one before….I guess we met after you quit telling this on stage and it just never came up. Seriously, Im sure people thought I was crazy as I was reading….cause I was laughing out loud and to myself 🙂 So you do realize that Im requesting you tell this story when you are at Loonie’s. You rock as usual, dear!

    • Slade Ham says:

      I’ve never actually done this on stage, Melinda. Requesting it when I play Colorado will only leave me standing in awkward silence I’m afraid, hahaha. The conversation with the booking officer

    • Slade Ham says:

      I’ve never actually done this on stage, Melinda. Requesting it when I play Colorado will only leave me standing in awkward silence I’m afraid, hahaha. The conversation with the booking officer about dragon slaying, that part I have done. It’s actually on the new CD, or will be once it’s out of editing.

      Thanks for the out loud laughs.

  37. Jude says:

    Chuck, Henry, Dan and Slade – what an awesome gang of vigilantes! Not only do you keep the streets free of crime, but you build amazing treehouses! The world needs more men like you…

    Great story – loved every minute of it.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Maybe more like them, but far less of my type I’m afraid. We really should have hired ourselves out like the A-Team. Thanks, Jude.

  38. I once dated a guy who had a giant sandbox in his living room. Or more accurately his living room WAS a giant sandbox. The novelty wore off after a few drunken sand castle contests. Had he been a dragon slayer… I might have stuck around.

    • Slade Ham says:

      I have the most bizarre visual right now. That sounds like a great place to visit, but a horrible way to live.

      Tell me he didn’t have cats 🙂

  39. Sadly– it wasn’t even that great a place to visit and I was only 19 and it SHOULD have been a great place to visit– ’cause everyone knows things like that are soooo cool when you are 19. His sand castles sucked and he was a poor loser. I never saw cats but I suspected them– and really, what’s worse?

    • Slade Ham says:

      Poor, poor guy, hahaha. You can’t be a loser AND make shitty sand castles. That’s just not cool. At 19 that should have been a wonderland, and he screwed it up?

      He would have made a horrible dragon slayer.

  40. Jason Black says:

    Are you sure about that tree house I would almost bet that there is still some there last I looked unless someone else did the same thing at another apartment. . .

    • Slade Ham says:

      I cannot say for sure. I haven’t been back in town for over a year. The rumor I heard though, is that it is completely gone. You should make a drive by.

      With that said, I’m almost nobody did repeated our feat. Not at an apartment. Reeeeally good to see that you found me here btw. Thanks.

  41. D.R. Haney says:

    Bloody hell, Slade, what is going on with you of late? So many good posts, and so many comments. Who do you think you are? Me?

    Your vigilance justice reminds me of the LA riots, oh so long ago. I went driving around on the worst night of the riots with friends, even though there was a heavily enforced curfew, and we stopped by another friend’s place, where he standing on the balcony with a slingshot, which he claimed to have used on a gang of rioters who’d tried to break into a car down on the street. Prior to that, I’d stood on a hill and watched rioters break into a motorcycle shop, only to flee out the door a second later, pursued by the shop owner or manager, who was armed with a shotgun.

    Ah, those were the days. I need a little danger in my life, as opposed to the anxiety, depression and weariness that’s so much a part of my routine.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Haha, that last line sounded like Eeyore. Hahaha. “Where’s my tail?” You need an adventure, Duke. Danger is good. We can cross our fingers for another riot soon, and I’ll join you.

      You’re story, plus mine, makes me see just how fragile and scared people that do that sort of thing are. The way the car fled when we attacked it… the way the rioters ran from the shop owner… So much of what appears scary is really just chest-beating. Have you seen the video of the Vietnam vet beating the thug on the bus? If you haven’t, I’ll go find the clip. It’s awesome.

      As for the good writing, thank you for the compliment. As for the comments, I can hardly explain. I enjoy it, though I’m nowhere near D.R. Haney status. Your legacy is safe I’m afraid. I could hardly hope to sustain this pace and level of attention.

      • D.R. Haney says:

        My legacy is safe, you’re afraid? Hmmmm. But the pace can leave one exhausted, as I know too well. Hence, in part, my current hiatus.

        You wouldn’t be the first to make the Eyeore comparison, by the way. Sad but true — or is that the kind of thing Eyeore would say?

        • Slade Ham says:

          By afraid, I meant certain. It is both exhausting and time consuming, and I’m not in possession of the time nor the energy. It’s quite fun in spurts though. The hiatus is more than understood.

          And there was no offense meant at the Eyeore comparison. It wasn’t you per se, but the specific comment I think, whatever it was. I’m an Eyeore fan. Tigger first, but then Eyeore. I can be a bit of both I think.

  42. I’m so late to the party. I suck.

    But, that tree house on the other hand does not. It’s the stuff dreams are made of.

    I may have tree house envy.

    Hilarious story, Slade.

    I think you should build another one so we can have band practice in it.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Big enough for my Pussy Stardust drum kit and the rest of you… hell yeah, I should.

      And it’s okay to be late to the party, as long as a few of us are still hanging around and passed out in the hallway.

  43. Carl D'Agostino says:

    I think even Dave Barry would have to give you a tip of the hat on this one. So funny. And you didn’t say bugger once , a word Dave uses even when assigned to do obituaries. But I’ll tell you something: If you ever visit Miami and have the occasion to have a “police experience” don’t play the fool. You’ll get your skull bashed in for even sneezing around the squad car because “they feared for their lives.” This is no joke and in this town you may expect to be victimized by law enforcement as much as by the criminal element.

    • Slade Ham says:

      Incredibly kind words, Carl. This remains one of my favorite pieces. As for the cops, I’ve learned to shut up around them, no matter which city I’m in. I’ve heard tales of Miami…

  44. […] Slayer of dragons…and of Ronnie James Dio…but not of your friend. […]

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