October 12, 2010
Last time I did this very, very irregular car column, I griped about drivers. This time, I’m going to reveal what your car says about you — that is, if you own one of the 20 cars listed here. But since LA is not like the rest of the country when it comes to cars (after all, this is the place where only three colors exist (white, black, gray)), I commented twice. If you can’t find your beater on the list, feel free to add your own car to the list. And hey, these evaluations are meant for new-car buyers (all but the last one).
Buick (any model)
Rest Of Country: You’re old. Seriously old.
Los Angeles: You’re dead.
ROC: You wanted a Buick without the panel gaps, chintzy interior, and cheap plastics.
LA: You don’t know what a Buick is, but wanted something that says “old” without huge panel gaps, chintzy interiors, and cheap plastics.
LA: “That’s all you could afford?”
Mercedes C-series (Baby Benz)
ROC: “Rich, old motherfucker.”
LA: You really wanted a Toyota Camry, but it was too cheap.
ROC: You’re trying hard to be cute.
LA: You couldn’t afford a real Bimmer.
ROC: You drink Kroger Cola and hate cars.
LA: You drink Ralph’s Cola and don’t know where the Hell Long Beach is.
ROC: You want to look sporty without paying for sporty
LA: You hope that your coffee-can exhaust will make people believe you had the money not to buy a Toyota.
ROC: You think you didn’t get a Euro-spec Honda Accord.
LA: You think you’re Mark Zuckerberg.
ROC: You’re rich and bald/have big blonde hair, and you’re recently divorced.
LA: You’re not rich, but bald and just out of rehab after your 5th marriage to a TV exec went to pieces.
ROC: You know good cars.
LA: You want tourists from Michigan to believe you know good cars.
ROC: No taste.
LA: “They said it was a Porsche. It starts at $74, 410.”
Infiniti (all models)
ROC: Life is good.
LA: You don’t know there’s a world outside your Nav screen, which you’ve manipulated so you can play Medal of Honor while going down Wilshire Boulevard.
ROC: You live on a dirt road.
LA: You have two of these.
ROC: Maybe you also have a unicorn tattoo on your back.
LA: J. Lo ditched Marc Anthony and bought you a car.
Lamborghini (any model)
ROC: “What’s that in the ditch?”
LA: “Next time get a Bristol Fighter.”
ROC: Family with one child living on a dirt road.
LA: L.A. Laker.
ROC: You drove the original. When you were 25. You do the math.
LA: You think you might have seen one. Once.
ROC: You think it looks like a Mercedes CLS four-door coupe.
LA: Your kid can’t be trusted with the Mercedes CLS.
Chrysler (any model)
LA: “Cool. What kind of car is that? Never seen one before.”