i had a son over the weekend
i have a son and he’s three. he has chestnut hair. the thing is i just haven’t been fertilized yet. but once i am, once he’s born, and once it’s been three years, i’ll have a son who’s three.
i have someone else’s son on my phone lock screen and background screen. it’s photography. it’s not like some random facebook picture of someone else’s son. i stole it from instagram. i had the mother’s instagram on my desktop computer at work. i screenshotted pictures of him with the snipping tool, then i emailed it to myself. then i opened up my email on safari on my phone, then i screenshotted it, then i made it my phone lock screen and background screen.
i watched the documentary on the survivors of michael jackson’s sexual abuse on thursday. i’ve been thinking about the two boys non-stop for the past six days. they needed more protective mothers, so i’ve decided that they can be my sons. i love them.
there are four kids i know from the internet and several pets i know from the internet that i love to hear about. i know one wild bunny that i love to hear about.
the boy who hurt me as a kid had a drawing in the annual elementary school art show and it was of his mom. he wrote ‘MOM’ all over it but one of them said ‘MON’ and i always remembered that.
Today I decided I would go to TJ Maxx after work to look for new work clothes because I wear a lot of clothes to work that aren’t appropriate for work. Today I wore extra large black linen pants that I keep up with a safety pin in the back that doesn’t actually keep them up. I wore a crop top and a green sweater over it that doesn’t have any buttons or zipper in the front so it just hangs open. Because the pants were so low and the shirt was so high my stomach and the hair on my stomach was exposed so I had to keep my green sweater that doesn’t have any buttons or zippers wrapped around my stomach all day and I had to hold the sweater in place with my arm whenever I got up. At TJ Maxx, I did the best I could to find a few good things. I went into the dressing room with white linen pants, a tan linen jumpsuit, and a white button-down dress. I tried on the pants and the tan linen jumpsuit and the white button-down dress and they all didn’t work out. So I gave them back to the lady and picked up some conditioner because I don’t own conditioner and I went home.
When I get home I text my best friend Alina “not to be depressing but i just thought if i had this job i have now for the rest of my life like 4 days a week 9-5 and lived here i would kms lol like thank god i know changes will happen but like i don’t get how some people survive honestly”
After that I take the Trader Joe’s pastry I keep on my bedside table called “Chocolate Brooklyn Babka” and put it on my bed and rip off a few pieces with my fingers and put the pieces in my mouth. When I take a swig from my gallon of water I move the babka to the back of my mouth and close my lips as tightly as possible so that none of the babka particles get into the rest of my gallon of water. Then I think “good job you probably didn’t get any babka in the water this time.”
collage by Francisca Salema