What just happened?

I just stopped at a petrol station to feed the hungry diesel belly of Hyman Roth (that’s the name of my Sprinter touring vehicle). At these prices I could have opened up my own franchise of an Olive Garden and fed half of suburbia. I’m actually contractually obligated to mention The Olive Garden at least three times during this interview as they have promised to feed my band for free and provide us with clean underwear and 9 volt batteries and all the napkins and creamy garlic dressing we can handle. Really. (Not really. But that would be cool. No it wouldn’t). Sorry — just having a conversation with myself. Are you still here?

What is your earliest memory?

Shooting out of my Dad’s penis in the backseat of a car into a very warm and safe egg and then nine months later being thrust into this cold cruel world in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The one in Canada. Then I was pretty much drunk and stoned up to the age of four.

If you weren’t a musician what other profession would you choose?

I’d probably be a famous actor. I was in a play in high school and my Mom and Dad both still tell me how great I was. I played a burning bush that Jesus talks to. (I went to a very religious school) I was a student of method acting and I ended up in the emergency room with severe burns on my chest and neck.  I still have to apply a special lotion twice daily.

Describe your typical work day.

Wake up and tell the person next to me that I need them to leave immediately, if not sooner. If it’s a guy I usually then go into the bathroom and throw up just a little. If it’s a woman I feel a little better but still wonder if it really was a woman. Then I try to wash the germy sins off of my body with bleach and and Borax. After that ordeal I usually write a song about how much I hate myself. Next I get on Google maps and locate an Olive Garden and eat tons of gluteny carbs until I feel a little better. Afterwards I usually drive for several hours and play a show to 12 disinterested people. Then I call my parents and tell them the show was sold out and that I sold 80 cds. Finally I ask God to forgive me for lying and the guilt cycle starts all over. It’s like a dysfunctional Catholic version of Groundhog Day.

Is there a time you wish you’d lied?

Is there anytime I haven’t lied? I’m a compulsive liar. I could just go to 7-Eleven for some milk but if you asked me where I went I’d say AM/PM for a hotdog. Then I’d go into detail about how the hot dog was very old and made me feel sick. After a while even I’ll believe the lie.

What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age 13?

I’d say, “Stick with this paper route because this is the best job you’ll ever have. And don’t forget to collect from The Wilsons early in March because they’re both shady alcoholics and they’re about to go to jail for tax fraud. You don’t want to be 51 years old one day have the regret of them stiffing you for 5 dollars and fifty cents.”

If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?

Satan Is Real, by The Louvin Brothers

What Are 3 websites –other than your email- that you check daily?

FBI’s 10 most wanted.

The Olive Garden.

Cats That Look Like Hitler.

From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?

Deadlines, man. I need deadlines. Otherwise I’ll just sit frozen on my couch staring at nothing and not being able to move. I would never even go outside. In fact, I hate nature. But if I have to make a deadline then all of a sudden I get all inspirationy and creativey and tree huggy.

Name three books that have impacted your life.

Mad Magazine’s Spy vs Spy.

The Orgasm Answer Guide.

The Hardy Boys #4 The Missing Chums.

If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?

Going to breakfast at Sambo’s after my first communion at St. Rita’s Catholic Church and eating French toast for the first time ever with powdered sugar and blueberry syrup and looking at all the racist paintings on the wall that all seemed so innocent back in the early ’60s. I felt so safe. I had Jesus in my belly and lots of starch and sugar.

How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?

One time I had sex with a “person” in the bathroom of a club after a show I played and the next night The Bacon Brothers sang at the same venue and Kevin brushed his teeth in the same bathroom and left his toothbrush. I went back to get it 2 days later and it still had his dried spit in it. I steamed it over a Petri dish using techniques I’d learned from the Hardy Boys and planted his DNA at a crime scene in Indiana.

What makes you feel most guilty?

Everything. Everything is my fault. I’m Catholic, most of my journeys are all-inclusive guilt trips.

How do you incorporate the work of other artists into your own?

I take cell samples from them with a razor and plant them in music gardens until song mutations grow like wild nose hairs.

Please explain the motivation/inspiration behind your latest album, Dreamhouse?

Richard Nixon appeared to me late one night in San Clemente and he was wearing a nightie and had full, lactating breasts. I drank milk right from his teat and I instantly sat down and wrote the record. It was truly amazing and I’m crying right now just thinking about it.

What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?

Don’t watch The Golden Girls on TV if Family Guy is on at the same time.

List your favorite in the following categories:

Comedian— Bono.

Musician— Flipper.

Author—Mr. Ed.

Actor— Lassie.

If you had complete creative license and an unlimited budget, what would your next project be?

I’d dig up Elvis and Kurt Cobain and make protein pancakes from their bones and feed them to underprivileged kids at a Lion’s Club breakfast.

What do you want to know?

What’s the deal with corn nuts?

What would you like your last words to be?

“Is there a death app?”

Please explain what will happen.

The curtain will be pulled back and people will realize what a sham it all was.  The Olive Garden wasn’t real Italian food after all.

TAGS: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s not simply that STEVE POLTZ isn’t terribly normal. No, you’d need the Hubble space telescope to find him from any region of normalcy.

For music fans on both sides of the equator, this is a very good thing. Born in Halifax, Nova Scotia (Canada), he has lived most of his life in Southern California creating vast chasms of emotional, intellectual and climatological tension in his psyche, which he has channeled into an unforgettable, often horrifying depth of unhinged genius.

Among the music cognoscenti, Steve Poltz is regarded as one of the most talented and prolific songwriters of our time. His songs have been among the longest running ever on the Billboard Top 100 and they regularly appear in movies, television, and even the odd television commercial. His touring schedule is ferocious, tripping between continents with enough frequency to earn him manic followings in scores of different accents and languages.

Any musician who has traveled as extensively as Poltz will have their share of colorful road stories, but Poltz’ adventures read like a bucket list. Starting out auspiciously, Poltz recalls meeting Elvis Presley at a small airport and beaming proudly as The King hugged his sister for an inordinately long time. He trick-or-treated at Liberace’s house and was Bob Hope’s favorite altar boy. He also drunkenly accosted David Cassidy, who had summoned him to write a hit song for the aging Tiger Beat cover boy.

His music is what has caused the world to open its doors to him, offering up its stages, clubs, and alleys for Steve to perform what is one of the most entertaining shows a human could ever see. As manic and aggressive as he is in concert, he is also the guy who famously co-wrote “You Were Meant For Me” with Jewel. Of course, in vintage Poltz fashion, the song ended up being written shortly before the two were sequestered by Mexican Federales who picked them up for a ride-along on a cartel pot bust. Don’t believe him? Check out the picture below.

He’s also an ex high school wrestler (98 pound class), an obsessed baseball fan, a yoga practitioner, a hopeless romantic, a smart-ass philosopher and a child-like adventurer/observer with an absurdist’s view of this crazy world and the life-forms that inhabit it.

Music fans have adored him since he first fronted the hallowed punk-folk legends, The Rugburns, whose live shows earned the band a following that fell somewhere between the terms “cult” and “crazed substance abusing fanatics.” Touring over 300 days a year, they still reunite for wildly popular shows.

Poltz’ solo body of work is an impressive collection of ballads, rockers, and uniquely melodic acoustic numbers that reflect his inimitable style of alternate tunings and savage finger picking. Guitar geeks fall prostate at his feet trying vainly to learn how to play his stunningly gorgeous and deceptively complex songs. To see him play guitar is a visual feast so frenetic that simple proximity to his playing exposes one to risk of seizure.

His albums reflect the depth and expanse of his influences throughout the years (One Left Shoe, Chinese Vacation, Traveling, Unraveling). He has additionally released a children’s album (The Barn), a performance DVD (Tales From The Tavern) and some other recordings that defy categorization, such as Answering Machine – a 56 track collection of 45 second “songs” culled from his answering machine’s outgoing messages. Neil Young has ranked it as a favorite album.

Steve Poltz’s latest recording project brought him back to Halifax, where he collaborated with Joel Plaskett, an award-winning Canadian songwriter, performer, producer and eminently kindred spirit. The two holed up in Joel’s Scotland Yard studio with a 2 inch,16 track analog tape machine, a 24 hour work ethic, their comfy clothes, some serious mojo and emerged a few weeks later with Dreamhouse, Steve’s most accomplished and focused effort to date. One of The Nervous Breakdown’s own authors selected it as 2010’s Album of the Year.

His live shows have captivated audiences far and wide with a mix of singing, storytelling, shredding, and the occasional spoken word rants which have been known to incite riots. He can take an audience from laughter to tears and back again in the space of the same song. Steve Poltz transcends the word “talented.” He is unforgettable in all the right ways.

129 responses to “21 Questions with Steve Poltz”

  1. pixy says:

    stevie joe! i love it!

    and the answer to #3 is a lie. you’d be dexter. only better. until you vanquished the ghost of the person that was driving you to do it.
    when you did that, you’d lose all your will to live and kill, gain 2 pounds (because you’ll never be able to get rid of that fastmetabolism) and end up eating generic cheese balls and mountain dew code red in your stained tighty whities, wiping your grubby, neon orange paws all over the skin of your pasty bare chest, whilst watching family guy on one television and golden girls on the other: “it seems today that i should thank you for being a friend” and contemplating your 2 pound belly bulge.

  2. pixy says:

    stevie joe! i love it!

    and the answer to #3 is a lie. you’d be dexter. only better. until you vanquished the ghost of the person that was driving you to do it.
    when you did that, you’d lose all your will to live and kill, gain 2 pounds (because you’ll never be able to get rid of that fastmetabolism) and end up eating generic cheese balls and mountain dew code red in your stained tighty whities, wiping your grubby, neon orange paws all over the skin of your pasty bare chest, whilst watching family guy on one television and golden girls on the other: “it seems today that i should thank you for being a friend” and contemplating your 2 pound belly bulge.

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Pixy, (may I call you Pixy?)
      Cheese and rice, you’re right. I would be a serial killer. It’s just hitting me now after easing into your comment. The guilt would eventually consume me and I’d end up living in a shack in the mountains where I’d write my memoirs\manifesto. Do you think they deliver Berkely Pizza to shack dwellers in the mountains?
      Thank you,
      Steve

      • pixy says:

        dear kittenface:

        i don’t think you’ve called me anything but pixy ever. i can’t even imagine what the ring of my real name would sound like coming out of your mouth, i think i’ll let it slide here. 🙂

        but i ask, how can you not see your own serial killer component when you write songs like this and this?
        your political science degree would be the basis of your diabolical winning/escape/avoidance in broad daylight scheme and will allow you to live a “normal” life watching baseball across the country and occasionally announcing so that you would be less suspect.
        and yes, they will deliver to you. or you’ll kill them, right?

        you’re welcome,
        pixy.

  3. steve poltz says:

    Perhaps you’re right Pixy. Thanks for the keen insight.

  4. Joe Daly says:

    Steve-

    In view of your extensive global travel and as someone who has interacted at a unique and depraved level with so many cultures, my question to you is this: what’s my next great investment idea?

    Now that we’re crawling out of a recession, despite a depressed housing market and sluggish job recovery, it appears that corporations are loosening the purse strings and funneling their capital reserves towards growth and re-building. What industry looks most promising to you for investors like me?

    Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.

    Joseph Patrick Daly, Esquire.

  5. steve poltz says:

    Dear Joe,
    I’d recommend meth. Get in at a ground floor level as a distributor. The possibilities are endless. You’ll always have return customers and nobody’s going to complain to the BBB. You should however retain a lawyer and wear a flak vest and try to not wet your beak by sampling your product.
    Yours in Christ,
    Steve

    • Joe Daly says:

      Meth sounds like a decent investment, but what’s my moat? How could I differentiate myself from other distributors? The whole head-chopping thing is so five minutes ago.

      • pixy says:

        ripping off fingernails. then they’ll have a constant reminder of your wrath AND a continuing customer so they can make themselves blissfully unaware of your wrath with your wicked good meth. chopping the head = no more customer, right?
        or boiling oil. people still survive that, right?

      • steve poltz says:

        Dear Joe,
        You need to enroll in an Ivy League College and you’ll have an endless line (pardon the pun) of customers. It’ll be less violent than the nasty head chopping. The college kids will have heaps of money and they all need help staying awake cramming for exams.
        Hope this helps kiddo,
        Steve

  6. Rain says:

    Dear Steve,

    Question 23……What is the correct pronunciation of Trenton, the capital of New Jersey?

  7. steve poltz says:

    Dear Rain,
    Great question! The n and second t in Trenton should be silent (like Bob) and the name should sound like this: Tre on.
    Thanks,
    Steverino

  8. Frag says:

    Uh, yeah, I definitely have a question for Steve –

    Last week when I got home, I opened up my camera bag & found a rather unsavory advertisement that seemed to have been torn from one of those free “magazines” one might find in a Texas truck stop foyer. Would you happen to have any idea how that got there???

  9. megzeppelinn says:

    hi steve! love all the catholic guilt all over this article. it makes me feel more in touch with my irish heritage. thanks!

    my question for you: I read in the L.A. Times yesterday that Ray Davies is curating a tribute album to Flipper and his indelible mark on the music world. Davies mentioned he had contacted you about contributing to the album, since you’re such a huge Flipper fan yourself. I was wondering which Flipper song you’re going to cover, and why you chose to cover it.

    Dolphin Music Forever,
    MegZep

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Meg
      Great question. I think I’m going to get Flipper to cover a Kenny G song called Chicken In The Breadbox. Flipper plays sax and clarinet now.
      Love
      Steve

      • dwoz says:

        Flipper cannot possibly do justice to a Kenny G song cover. A dolphin, having no teeth in it’s blowhole, is utterly incapable of biting down on the reed and pulling everything sharp, thus his emulation of Mr. Gorlick will be inauthentic at best.

        • Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

          I have not read this post nor any other commentary, but having seen this on the homepage under recent comments, I’m laughing at what a ridiculous state consciousness can be…

          I’m going to have to come back to this one.

        • steve poltz says:

          Dear Lisa Rae,
          We are all in a different state of consciousness and we’re all treading water trying to go in different directions. If you happen to tread in my direction today and our paths meet up in a collision course then it’s meant to be.
          Have a great day,
          Steve

  10. steve poltz says:

    Dear Frag,
    I was nowhere near the area of your camera bag. I would never stoop to something so low!
    Love,
    Steven

  11. Susan says:

    Given all of what I just read, I guess the real question is. Why haven’t you cured cancer or at the very least the common cold yet, Steve? Is Glenn Beck or a Glenn Beck-type conspiracy stopping you? I mean if you have access to Kevin Bacon’s DNA there is no reason you shouldn’t be producing major medical breakthroughs on a daily basis. Just sayin’.

    Sincerely,
    Disappointed in Deluth

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Susan,
      I’m working on it. I’ve isolated a couple genes and currently have a staff of elves stuffed in the trunk of a Jetta with a chemistry set installed and proper lighting.
      Things are looking up. Glenn Beck be damned.
      Cheers,
      Steve

      • Susan says:

        Dear Steve,

        Where do you get your scientifically inclined elves? I know North Pole elves are only good for toy making, shoe cobbling, and dentistry. Or am I just stereotyping here?

        Blessings,
        Susan

        • Steve Poltz says:

          Susan,
          These elves are everywhere. You just have to start looking for them. Ask for their help and they’ll appear like the little helpers they are. You’re not stereotyping, you’re just venturing into newer deeper waters full of elves in scuba gear.The Cousteau Society know all about it and are planning a big announcement for early next year during Lent.
          Lovingly,
          Steve

  12. Brian Hollendaise says:

    I want to seduce a co-worker. What song should I play when she comes back to the breakroom? She’s older than me.

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Brian,
      You can never go wrong with Short People by Randy Newman. It’s bouncy and sounds reall y upbeat except for the lyrics which call for the death of short people. If you overlook that “small fact” you should do alright because like your gal this song is old.
      Best,
      Steve

  13. Coolleen says:

    Quit saying “12 disinterested people”. It sounds so sad.

  14. dung nguyen says:

    hi steve, we have just given birth to our second kid, but he won’t sleep during the day. I’m on leave for the next three weeks but am contemplating returning to work for free. how do we settle poor bubs

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Dung,
      He’ll sleep if you buy ten copies of my latest cd. I’ve put a curse on you that I’ll gladly lift once I receive notice from my bank that the funds have been delivered. He’ll sleep like the angel he is.
      Love,
      Poltz

  15. Chris says:

    Dear Steve,

    I hope I see your rowdy self next weekend.

  16. Lkay says:

    Dear Steve,

    Which do you prefer – boxers or briefs?

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Lkay,
      I prefer to wear women’s panties. They’re softer and come in a much better selection of colors. Unless you’re in Canada, where they come in a wide variety of colours.
      Thanks,
      Steve

      • Patty says:

        Dear Steve,

        Are you a thong guy or more of a full panty guy? Or maybe boy shorts? I bet you could pull off g-strings pretty well. Wow what a selection! You’re right. Women’s panties ARE better.

        • steve poltz says:

          Dear Patty,
          I like a good tight thong. I just feel sexier when I’m walking down the street in a faded manly pair of Levis and only I know about the tawdry undergarment that lies within. Plus after a full sweaty day of walking around the polluted city streets I just throw my thong in the trash and put on a new colour. Freshness is the key to feeling dreamy.
          Yours thongly,
          Steve

  17. Tori says:

    Dear Steve,
    I’m in awe of your yoga practice. What is your favorite yoga position? Have you always done bikram or did you do other types of yoga before first? Do you have a favorite studio on the road?
    Also, I know that you are a big movie buff, do you have a favorite genre? Do you ever watch movies in strange theaters on the road, or is that your relaxing at home thing?
    Hugs and Squeezes,
    Tori

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Tori,
      Thanks. I’ve tried all different types of yoga and usually enjoy them all. I love Ashtanga for the upper body work and Kundilini for the mental relaxation and Iyengar for the alignment techniques. I seem to always return to Bikram because I love the series of 26 postures and the heat combined. It reminds me of wrestling practice from high school with all the sweat and the scent of the heated room.

      Movies? Ahhhh my favorite escape anywhere. I love going to artsy fartsy theaters in different cities or big commercial mutiplexes. My favorite is in Austin Texas and it’s called The Alamo Drafthouse. They serve you food and drinks and ice cream.

      Peace,
      Steve

      • Tori says:

        Steve! I’m very interested in Bikram, but here in Santa Cruz, they take their yoga very seriously, and I’m very worried that the people will be judgey of me, because I’m clumsy and fall over a lot. That’s why I think I should try other types of yoga first. Bikram feels “hard core”. But I think I’m going to try it soon with a friend of mine who found a place she likes and just see how it goes.

        I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Alamo Drafthouse. I wish they had them all over the country. Food and movies go great together. There is a place in Portland that rocked like that. Alamo is one of my favorite Austin activities. I got to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show there, and they gave me a prop kit. It was fun times. I like when you put on a dress and do Sweet Transvestite. 🙂

        • steve poltz says:

          Dear Tori,
          Don’t be afraid. Bikram is always for beginners and you’ll be welcomed like a peanut M&M to a hungry mouth. Start today and don’t delay.
          Love,
          Steve

      • Joe Daly says:

        Before I got into yoga, I had my share of fond sporting memories. Playing in three consecutive ice hockey championships in college, plus several years of rugby and the college and club level, as well as 8 marathons and a 30 year baseball career ending with the Double A Fighting Hellfish (#27) in 2005.

        But nothing, NOTHING, was more satisfying in my athletic career than the day I persuaded my yoga instructor to play Monster Magnet during a heated power yoga glass. I’m beaming as I think of it.

        So Tori- I know that you’re well versed in metal, so if you find yourself “stuck” in your practice, toss on some Maiden or Dio and you’ll be all aces, baby.

        This self-aggrandizing assortment of overblown sporting reflections was brought to you by the letter “M.”

  18. Frag says:

    Deer Stave,

    I’m listening to the show from Pioneertown, wherein you said that if you ever see a guy named Glenn, you’re gonna kick his ass. So now I’m wondering how I missed the bout between you & Mr. Tilbrook last Sunday night in Evanston. I guess he DID disappear pretty quickly after the show… what did you do with his body???

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Frag,
      I don’t think of Glenn Tilbrook as a Glenn. I think of him as a GlennTilbrook all one name together. He is a separate entity from other Glenns. His songwriting has saved him from an ass whooping. He’s been a great friend over the years and may slowly melt my icy disdain toward Glenns worldwide.
      Love you babe,
      Steve

      • Frag says:

        I suppose that, in the spirit of full disSclosure, I should point out that my dad’s name was Glen. So there’s that. 😉

        • steve poltz says:

          Ahhhh Frag! Then right here today I shall let my resentment toward Glenns everywhere leave my body. The world would be a much darker place without your presence so I salute your Dad. I now love Glenns. Thanks for helping me work through this.
          S

  19. Joltz says:

    What is the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything ?

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Joltz,
      The ultimate answer is loate. It’s a rare mixture of love and hate combined. Loate. Pronounced low ate. It’s hard to find the balance but once you do it gets easier. Mix a little love in with your hate and a little hate in with your love. You’ll save thousands on therapy and sleep better at night.
      Hope this helps,
      Steve

  20. ren says:

    Dear Steve,
    My sister once asked me (after I recounted a bad experience which was, as you might well understand, all my fault), “Are you enjoying your guilt?”, to which I replied, “No”, to which she said, “Then stop”. It was only then that I realized I actually WAS enjoying my guilt, as the thought of stopping made me feel quite uneasy. I also realized that, even more than guilt, I enjoy denial. It made me wonder, do you also enjoy denial? I’m pretty sure that without it my life would be incredibly less delightful, carefree, silly, spontaneous, and exciting. What say you? To deny or not to deny, that is the question…
    Signed, “It’s my fault, not yours… wait, no one is to blame, life is perfect!”,
    🙂 😉 Renee

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Renee,
      Ahhhhh well put. Guilt and denial are two designer bags I carry on my back like Sisyphus carrying Gucci while pushing a rock up a hill. These are great qualities to hold on to. Creativity will ooze from your pores and you’ll have great panic attacks every so often. This is a minor price to pay so don’t let it scare you. Guilt and denial are underrated like The Padres defense this year.
      Enjoy yourself, (it’s later than you think)
      Steve

  21. BankRoller says:

    Dear Steve not ‘O’.

    What do you think of “Write a hit once, sleep forever” ?
    (Do you make show for fun or by need ?)

    Your dear, Jacques Ass

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Jacques Ass,
      I make show for fun! Everyday is playtime and music is silly. Writing a hit is nerve wracking like riding a canoe in shark infested waters. It isn’t really fun but it does pay the bills unless you dint pay your taxes for years then it just acts as an albatross around your pencil neck and haunts you til the day you die you mercifully die. (oops, did I say that?) So I suggest writing songs about hotdogs and seeing where that takes you.
      Peace hominy,
      Steven

  22. Susie says:

    Dear SJJP,

    Kevin Batey got sick to his stomach during my first communion and ralphed on my white patent leather holy girl shoes…I will be seeing him next month. Should I forgive him?

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Susie,
      You need to pay Kevin (mastur) Batey back. I suggest eating a bowl of granola with strawberries and sour milk and then spinning around in a circle a hundred times and then hugging him while simultaneously vomiting on his stupid shoes.
      Only then will you be able to be his “friend”.
      Cheerio,
      Steve

  23. dwoz says:

    Steve.

    Bear with me here, just want to get the record straight. After Jewel hit with “You Were Meant For Me”, the world was inundated with female singer-songwriter wannabes that were united by a single, heartbreaking feature failure…their attempt to emulate the guitar on that song. Of course, instead of actually coming anywhere close to nailing it, all they managed was a vaguely-phrased, vaguely-tuned loosely-held-pick upstroke pattern on a capo’ed open tuning that we’ve all come to associate with fingernails on a blackboard, no: manicured fingernails on a blackboard.

    Is this your fault?

    Whatever you do, don’t try to blame it on Joni.

    🙂

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear dwoz,
      Mea culpa. I did it. I killed the butler. It’s definitely not Joni’s fault. She played a dulcimer like the Goddess she is. I was a mere blip on the radar screen in the right place at the right time. I apologize.
      Vaya con Dios,
      Esteben

  24. Steveee says:

    Dear Steve,

    Do you know good tips for growing penises ?

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Steve,
      Growing penises is easy once you get the “hang” of it. You need to stretch and workout daily or three times daily according to health and age. It’ll grow and multiply and you should be happy with the results. Batteries not included.
      Foreskinly yours,
      Steve

  25. flower child says:

    Dear Steve,

    Who would you rather~ Courtney Love or Dave Grohl?

  26. JCasa says:

    Dear Steve,

    Still pondering from a long-ago Gaslamp Blarney Stone gig– wondering if there really was a Gold’s gym guy?

    Casa

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Casa,
      I’m not even sure anymore. Half the crap I say on stage is lies just for the sake of entertainment. But I do believe there was a dastardly Golds Gym guy somewhere in my life at sometime causing pain from a stolen relationship.
      Barbelly yours,
      Steveo

  27. Stove Peltz says:

    Daddy !

    Why don’t you recronize me !

    I’ve just started to sell plumbing tools, if it helps.

    Stove.

  28. Jennifer says:

    I pulled Goliaths huge sword away from him while David stoned him to death. Maybe I saw you in this act as well? Baking or acting? Role playing with sweet treats has been a guilty pleasure of mine. Should I be ashamed? Will God forgive me? Help Steve I have sinned.

  29. Slade Ham says:

    I don’t really have a question. Just wanted to say hi. I’ve been a big Rugburns fan since around ’98, when I was given one of your CDs by a guy who ended up fucking my girlfriend at the time. It actually ended up being a decent trade.

    I usually only read the 21 Q’s to see if I’m ever anyone’s favorite comedian (I never am), but this was great.

    Viva la Poltz.

    • pixy says:

      slade… i knew there was a reason i liked you beyond your fantasy lady requirements!

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Slade,
      That girl wasn’t any good for you anyways. If you ended up with The Rugburns then at least you got the gift that keeps giving, kind of like herpes simplex 2. Thanks for your comment and now I’m going to look you up on the web and I’ll become your biggest frothiest fan and I’ll spread your name across this world like a meth fueled grafitti artist.
      Your new friend,
      Steve

  30. Carence says:

    Dear Steve,

    I’m opening for an all girl 80’s cover band this Saturday night at a Roadhouse on a back road in San Marcos, TX. What kind of advice can you offer as an expert performer?

    Thanks in advance.

  31. pixy says:

    dear steve:

    2 questions:

    1. why are people aholes?
    2. why do comments that i post with links in them go to comment jail?

    unicorns and rainbow pee,

    pixy

    • Steve Poltz says:

      Dear Pixy,
      1. Because they need love and attention and are too shy to ask for it. It’s kind of sad but easily remedied. Flip them them off using the wrong finger (ring) and then laugh out loud and say “I’m so silly. Please don’t hate me. I LOVE your shoes. Where did you get them?”
      2. Your comments are so spicy and full of danger that The Politburo here at TNB need to cleanse your remarks and make them safe for the rest of the viewers who aren’t yet at the same video game level you’re at. Have no fear Pixy, you’re a trendsetter.
      Love,
      Steve

  32. Inmate # 1234567 says:

    Dear Poltzy,

    Do you still have my centerfold hidden in the bag under the bed or are you strictly using the internet for carnal pleasure these days?

    Xoxo,

    Your Prison Pal

    • Steve Poltz says:

      Dear Inmate # 1234567,
      So good to hear from you. Please tell the guys in the yard that I miss them and that took care of that one problem. I still prefer paper over URLs. I like the way the pages stick together. You just don’t get that with a laptop. Or do you?
      Slick slottily yours,
      Steve

    • Steve Poltz says:

      Dear Inmate # 1234567,
      So good to hear from you. Please tell the guys in the yard that I miss them and that I took care of that one problem. I still prefer paper over URLs. I like the way the pages stick together. You just don’t get that with a laptop. Or do you?
      Slick slottily yours,
      Steve

  33. Wendy says:

    Dear Poltz,

    I got 1st edition baby taylor from you, for sale $12,000. Mint condition only played on sundays before going to mass.

    Wendy

  34. D.R. Haney says:

    Dear Steve,

    Did you ever hang out — that is to say, stop by for a beer or somesuch — at Sean Penn’s Airstream trailer in Malibu?

    Also, as per your agreement with Olive Garden, I knew an actress who was contractually obliged to hold a can of Fanta in every film appearance or professional photograph taken of her. She wasn’t well known. I guess the Fanta people just thought, “Yeah, we want to be seen with that.”

    I wish we could all remember ourselves as jetting spermatozoa, as you can. It would surely cut down on the number of parachuting deaths each year.

    I hope this letter isn’t as disjointed as I suspect it is. It really hurts to be disjointed. This letter is probably in a great deal of pain, though it’s doing its best to grin and bear it.

    Kind regards,
    Duke

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Duke,
      Your letter isn’t disjointed, it’s just got a sprained knee and fractured tibia. It’ll be fine after a wee bit of rehab. As far as Sean Penn and Malibu; I once visited him at his trailer but he ended up stealing my girlfriend so I haven’t visited him since. I do however still see his movies. As far as The Olive Garden goes I just need to eat there twice a day which is starting to cause problems with my blood sugar levels. That cheesecake!
      Keep rockin mate,
      Steve

      • D.R. Haney says:

        Dear Steve,

        If it’s any consolation, SP once tried to steal a girl I knew who doesn’t really count as a girlfriend, though I wished she did. He invited her out for breakfast, and when I found out, I drove to the spot where I thought they’d be, hoping to interrupt the seduction, but they had fatefully gone to another place, and the seduction never quite happened. She was difficult to please, that girl.

        I shall do my best in the rockin’ department if you do the same — but only if!

        Duke

        • Dana says:

          Duke, I got confused when I read your comment until I realized that Sean Penn and Steve Poltz have the same initials.

        • D.R. Haney says:

          Ah! I hope Steve Poltz didn’t think the same. I was probably feeling timid about putting that out there. Oh, the confusion we weave when trying to elude bad karma, which leads to the bad karma we were trying to elude.

        • Dana says:

          You’re an elusive fellow Duke! What’s funny is SP OR SP would work in the story…. and may have. 😉

          Karma keep your mitts off Duke. He’s good people.

  35. Zara Potts says:

    Dear Steve Poltz,
    This has been very entertaining. I thank you.
    I also like that your surname is very similar to mine.
    Yours,
    Zara Potts

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Zara,
      We are actually distant cousins. The Potts and The Poltz’s all once lived together in Budapest until your cousin Zolton started that pyramid scheme and sent everyone to the poorhouse. I think you’re actually my second cousin. This awesome to finally meet you. Let’s go on Oprah and tell our story.
      Relatedly yours,
      Steve

  36. Ben says:

    Dear Steve,
    would you be willing to play a benefit concert I am holding for music education at my school on may 6th?
    Thanks
    Ben

    • Ben says:

      I also just realized this question is not nearly strange enough to keep up with the others. So to even this out I would also like to know what the most efficient way to prune a giraffe is?

      • steve poltz says:

        Dear Ben,
        You must always drug the giraffe with at least 70 to 80 Tylenol PM. Then when the giraffe is sleeping pull out a razor begin pruning. By the time you get to Phoenix she’ll be rising and everything will be ok.
        Jimmy Webbingly yours,
        Steve

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Ben,
      I’ll be in Virginia around that date. Is this where your school is?
      Peas,
      Steve

  37. Hitchiker Jowel says:

    Dear Stoltz Pee,

    “I gave her up for lent” too, but that’s not enough.
    I’m now looking for hypothecation of my mother in law.
    Any good brothel to secure that deposit ?

    Sincerely,

    Hitchiker Jowel

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear H Jowel,
      I would recommend a brothel in Reno. I think they’ll hqve everything you’re looking for. They can fulfill your every wish. I’ve only read about this sort of thing in magazines I found in the desert hidden next ro a cactus.
      Let me know how it works out,
      Steve

  38. Kathleen says:

    Dear Steve,

    Piggybacking off of Steveee’s question from earlier, do you have any tips on growing a penis from scratch? I think I want one, you know, for camping trips and stuff.

    For Serious,
    Kathleen

  39. Steve Poltz says:

    Dear Kathleen,
    That’s a reasonable request. A lot of people wish they had a penis. Even people who already have penises wish they had a different penis. If you’d like to grow a penis this will take a little time, courage and patience. From the way your name sounds I’d venture to guess that you have a vageeeena. I wish I had a vageeeena so here’s what we’ll do- I’ll meet you behind the 7/11 in San Ysidro and you bring along a butcher knife and a bottle of whiskey and some pain pills. We’ll make a trade but we don’t have to make it permanent. I have a really cool biology book I’ve saved from Palm Springs High School. I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing. We’ll make a trade and see how things grow. What I’m hoping for is that we’ll clone each others’ parts and then be fully functioning he-shes. this is going to be so cool. Is it ok with you you if I tweet about it?
    Surgically yours,
    Steve

    • Kev says:

      This just made me hurl. I do not ever want to picture a penis being butchered off ever again. I feel pain below the belt.

    • Kathleen says:

      Dear Steve,

      You had me at “behind a 7/11 in San Ysidro”. I’m in. Just let me know what date works for you. July 12th to 19th is no good for me. Also, if you like, I have access to a rusty and quite dull surgeon’s knife believed to be last used in the Civil War. I have nothing against Butcher Knives. There my favorite of all the occupational knives. It’s just that, I would hate for you to ruin any nice cutlery on my account.

      And by all means tweet away!

      Kathleen

      • steve poltz says:

        Dear Kathleen,
        I like your chutzpah. Let’s meet up after your sojourn on July 22. Hopefully you’ll be tan and well rested. Bring the knife from The Civil War and I’ll wear my favorite coonskin cap.
        Amputorially yours,
        Steve

  40. Miss Melski says:

    Dearest Steveeee P,

    Firstly, what should I have on my pancakes this morning? I feel like a hungry hippo.

    Secondly, what should I tell Jesus when he gets back?

    Much love,
    Miss Melski

  41. flower child says:

    Dearest Darling Steve,

    a) Where have all the flowers gone?

    b) How do you do that voo doo that you do so well?

    c) Wanna be my pretend boyfriend?

    Love, FC

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Flower Child,
      The flowers have all gone into the secret witness protection program. They’re living in a suburb in Columbus Ohio and pretending to be Buckeyes fans. They’ll resurface next Feb.
      The vow doo I do so well is now void doh. It’s empty and needs new cartridges. Please order me some.
      Yes, I’ll pretend bf with you. As long as I don’t have to recognize Valentines Day.
      Pistilly yours,
      Steve

  42. Susie says:

    Dear Esteban,

    Do you think it was wrong for me to spend every moment of the marathon 4 hour meeting I just attended reading this and laughing hysterically?

    2: Will you wear your thong while singing the National Anthem at the Padres game on the 23rd? You don’t need to show us, just let us know by rubbing your left thigh as you sing as sign that you have them on.

    3: Will you run naked through the streets of Little Italy at lunch tomorrow?

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Susie,
      No. It’s good to laugh and your employer needs to recognize this as the behavior of a leader.
      Yes, I’ll wear the thong while singing the anthem at The Padre game on April 23. I’ll rub my thigh accordingly.
      I won’t be able to run naked through the streets if Little Italy tomorrow at noon because I’m still on probation for dealing weed.
      Yours forever,
      Steve

  43. mommie deerest says:

    dear steeeeve,

    i haven’t filed my taxes yet, and i’m kind of getting desperate here. i’m hoping you’ll agree to let me adopt you, so that i can claim at least one dependent, (or co-dependent), but i need to itemize more deductions. i have a nasty cupcake habit that i need to feed (no pun intended). do you have any suggestions? i can’t think of anything else to claim, other than insanity.

    thanks for your help, son.
    xo,
    mommie deerest

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Deerest, (I like the sound of that)
      Yes, you may adopt me. I love cupcakes too! We can open a cupcake factory and eat all the profits and then write off the entire venture while we sit on our fat asses and watch Springer.
      Taxily yours,
      Steve

  44. ell. ell. says:

    Hi Steve,

    What are your thoughts on women’s lib? Just wondering.

    Free and happy,
    Ell. Ell.

    • steve poltz says:

      Dear Ell. Ell.
      I’m for women’s lib. In fact, I’m for all the libidos everywhere in the world. Tiger’s lib and pig’s lib and Rabbi’s lib. All the libs.
      Thanks Ell. Ell.
      Steve

  45. Dana says:

    Hi Steve,
    Long time reader, first time writer.

    Couple of things I’ve been wanting to know:

    1.) Who is Ben and why is he trying to sidetrack you from your schedule?
    2.) How much did honesty camp cost?
    3.) Do you prefer the Holiday Inn Express or Hilton Garden Inn? (Suffolk specific.)
    4.) This is more of a comment than a question. Recently Bill and I saw Robbie Fulks at a house concert in a garage in Norfolk. The show was good and Robbie is funny and stuff. So then we’re driving home and Bill says, “You know what? That was fun and he sounded great, but damn, he’s sure no Steve.” Amen.

    I haove you and loate you*.

    *w00t! Less than a month!

    P.S. I know there aren’t a lot of TNB folks in my area, but Seven Plotz (aka Steven Poltz) is playing a concert at my house on May 7th. (Suffolk, VA) You should come. I die of happiness every time he plays here.

    • Steve Poltz says:

      Dear Dana,

      I don’t know who Ben is but I guess he need to contact you. I think he’s a very nice person who wants to raise money for his school.

      I prefer The Holiday Inn Express I guess. I like their cute little trays they leave on the bed.

      I can’t remember the cost of honesty camp. I’ve blocked that whole experience from my head.

      Tell Bill I love him and his fakery of a hip.

      I also love Robbie Fulks. We played a show together once in NYC. Very fun sharing the stage and swapping songs.

      See ya at the house concert in Suffolk, Virginia,

      Steve

  46. Robb says:

    Yo Poltz.

    Are you coming to dallas sunday? My magic 8 ball says you are.

    Fondly,
    Robb

  47. Simon Smithson says:

    Dear Steve,

    I have a thousand questions, but all of them can wait, because the most important one is this: what are the winning lottery numbers for this Tuesday’s draw? I’d really like to win. It would be pretty sweet for me.

    Thanks,

    Simon

  48. master of F.A. says:

    Hi Steve,
    I realize you must have hand cramps by now from all the questions you’ve answered here – and also you have other things to do like playing your guitar – but here goes:

    Q. I was recently in a taxi and the very nice driver asked me what I am studying at school. I explained that I am getting my MFA in Theater. How can I say this to a working man without feeling like a complete wanker? What is a good way to answer alarmed and nervous people who ask: “what will you do with that??”

    yours
    artily,
    paula
    p.s. i am your new fan. i hope to see you in Ontario next month!

    • Steve Poltz says:

      Hi Paula,
      That’s a great question and one I truly understand unlike tampon preference questions. Rather than saying, “I’m getting my MFA in Theater” I would say something like “I’ve decided to take a vow of poverty as a result of a brain injury I sustained as a child. Because of this injury I’ve decided to learn everything about the theater and I’m so delusional that I think it will one day pay for a beautiful upper westside apartment in Manhattan. Don’t even try to to stop me because I kill everyone who negatively questions me about it. Now please hurry up and take me to my Mother’s grave because I have to leave these flowers.”
      Does this answer help?
      Steve

  49. […] anyway. They will teach you the rest so follow them and what they say. You will meet a guy named Steve Poltz. He is insane and a stalker. Alert M.L.B security agents the first time he contacts you, which will […]

  50. oglądaj filmy…

    […]Steve Poltz | 21 Questions with Steve Poltz | The Nervous Breakdown[…]…

  51. Caleb Powell says:

    Enjoyed last night’s show in Seattle.

    Rock!

    Caleb

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