Resolutions are too hard to keep, so this year, instead of making resolutions, I’ve decided to make money. I’ve started a business called Resolutions, Inc. What we do at Resolutions, Inc., is help people keep their resolutions.

How does it work, you ask? Simple. Just send us your resolutions, and a representative will call you every day to make sure you’re still keeping them. The incentive? For every resolution you break, another representative will visit you (at your home or office—your choice), and break one of your fingers.

But we have competition! Already, someone is out to undermine our credibility, denouncing us as unscientific. His name is Stephen Kraus. Here’s Stephen’s bio:

Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Stephen Kraus separates the science of success from self-help snake oil. Get his free 7-day Real Science of Success e-course, and report on Becoming More Resilient & Persistent at www.RealScienceofSuccess.com.

He’s written an article for “Happy Publishing” called The Top Seven Reasons People Break Their New Year’s Resolutions, and I don’t know where he’s getting his statistics—probably Harvard!—but according to “studies,” 20% of resolutions are broken in the first week of January. That’s a lot of fingers.

Have you already broken your resolutions? If so, which one of Dr. Kraus’s seven reasons was responsible? If not, how long do you give yourself?


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SHYA SCANLON is the Fiction Reviews Editor for The Nervous Breakdown. Scanlon's work has appeared in the Mississippi Review, Literary Review, New York Quarterly, Guernica Magazine, Opium Magazine, and others. His book of prose poetry, In This Alone Impulse, was published by Noemi Press in January, 2010. In 2009, his novel Forecast was serialized online across 42 journals and literary blogs as part of the Forecast 42 Project. Forecast will be published by Flatmancrooked in December, 2010. He received his MFA from Brown University, where he was awarded the John Hawkes Prize in Fiction.

Please visit him at www.shyascanlon.com.

9 responses to “Resolutions, Inc.”

  1. erin f. says:

    yes. reasons 1-7, actually

  2. paula says:

    I like “no vision” the best.

  3. Oh please, Stephen Kraus. Your list is for amateurs. How about ‘#8: Spending too much time screaming at the perfect family shown in napkin ring advertisements on TV late at night for the fact that clearly, they all love each other.’

    Assholes.

  4. James D. Irwin says:

    my resolution was ‘eat more vanilla fudge’ and ‘dress with a touch more panache.’

    2010 is going to be a good year.

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