Wow.

Really? Really?

This is where we’re at?

Infidelity and the dredging up of a man’s words from beyond the grave are what we’re gilding marketing with now? We’re taking the aftermath of a repeated cycle of adultery that was played out on the world stage and slapping a Nike symbol on it?

That’s awesome.

I’m totally going to go and beat up some kids for their lunch money and then get a sweet, sweet deal from Reebok. The best part is, my father’s still alive, so we can get some product placement right there in the voice-over.

Jesus Christ.

Nike, you have a gaze as blank and pitiless as the sun. Part of me wonders if, deep inside you, there is a kind and good corporation, begging to be heard, or at least to get a Shasta.

I have never been as comfortable with calling shenanigans as I am right now.

Shenanigans.

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SIMON SMITHSON is an Australian writer and editor. He is currently based in Melbourne, Australia, but frequently finds himself in Los Angeles and San Francisco. His work has appeared on both sides of the globe in print and online in publications such as BLIP, Every Day Fiction, Beat, The Loop, My Sinking Boat, and more. He has a tumblr at www.simonsmithson.com and he runs a lifestyle experiment at www.selfhelpless.net.

36 responses to “Easy, Tiger…”

  1. Zara Potts says:

    Shameless shenanigans.

  2. Becky says:

    “This video has been removed by the user.”

    Bullshit!

    AND Shenanigans

    Bullshenanigit!

  3. Simon Smithson says:

    Bullshenanigat indeed!

    OK.

    I’ll try to track down another video.

  4. Dare we say “appalling”? The ghostly words…the blank gaze…the Nike logo cross-referencing $$$? I’m glad we’re noticing the utter cheek of this crap.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I am quite happy to say so.

      Seriously, what is the point of this? To sell more Nike products. And yet somehow it’s OK to dress this up as some kind of moral redemptive quest and cloak it in generational wisdom.

      No dice.

  5. Becky says:

    Like anyone is confused about what Tiger was thinking.

    He was thinking, “I want that, and I can get away with having it.”

    Dumb, dumb, dumb. Nike has always sucked, though.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I don’t really get it – am I supposed to feel like this whole issue has been elevated beyond the level of a tawdry sideshow and react appropriately? Is that Nike’s gameplan here?

      • Becky says:

        Well, yes and no.

        I mean, it presumes not only knowledge of the sideshow but exhaustion with it and furthermore, suggests that Tiger’s philandering is some kind of ash pile that he can rise from like a horny phoenix. It’s a bald-faced glorification that appeals to people’s previous notions of him as a person above.

        I don’t know. Tough to explain.

        It’s a conquering hero spin on a broken man.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          “It’s a bald-faced glorification that appeals to people’s previous notions of him as a person above.”

          Oh, well-said. That’s some nutshelling, right there.

        • Becky says:

          Achilles comes to mind, if you want to get archetypal.

          He’s basically a jerk, but he’s done a few good things, all of which are assumed to be his “true” character once his lone apparent weakness reveals him to be not a God, but a partial human.

          By the end of the story, you’re supposed to like him, no matter what he’s done.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I love getting archetypal. It’s what I say to my dates when I’ve got them back to the couch.

          ‘Baby, you feel like getting archetypal? ‘Cause I’ve got a thousand faces right here…’

          Moving on.

          Yeah, guess the issue I have is that it’s too much, too soon, and such a bald-faced (sorry to pinch your phrase, but it’s the best one for the job) attempt to prop up a sales icon. Very distasteful.

        • Becky says:

          Oh my God, Simon.

          You said 1,000 faces and my pants just fell off.

          Stick with that one. It’s a winner.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Just off? Usually, they then walk out of the room.

        • Becky says:

          Okay, now they climbed back on.

          How about “my pants just fell off?”

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Boom.

  6. Joe Daly says:

    Oh, I’m sure this is perfectly in line with Tiger’s deeply-rooted and unwavering Buddhist philosophy.

    What’s next, Nike? A commercial with Matthieu Guy Rousseau, world-famous baby seal clubber and Nike performance fleece wearer?

    Btw- as my friends and I used to observe the Shenanigans invective, there is a penalty phase where appropriate. The person on whom shenanigans is called must then select a judge- either one of his friends right there, a perfect stranger, or even someone via phone. The accuser then pleads his case to the judge and the person defending against Shenanigans has a response. The judge may or may not ask questions before ruling in favor of the Shenanigans or against the Shenanigans.

    The loser must then drink a prairie fire- half a glass of tequila with a shot of Tabasco sauce. So if the accuser loses, HE ends up receiving the penalty. Needless to say, the accusation of Shenanigans is not thrown around lightly!

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Joe: I could not agree more.

      Oh cool! I didn’t realise that there was a trial-by-peers element inclusive in calling shenanigans. That’s awesome! As far as I knew, you just went and hustled the accused around with brooms.

      May I quote you on this, Joe? It may work its way into a piece, someday.

      • Joe Daly says:

        Well, to be fair, the trial-by-peer component was almost certainly more of a regional thing, although having practiced it in cities all over the world, I wouldn’t be surprised if more had brought it into their Shenanigans practice.

        Quote away, Simon- it’s all yours!

  7. Dana says:

    I have been trying to avoid all things Tiger (it wasn’t easy for awhile there) but a co-worker played that commercial for me yesterday. Likely the most inappropriate ad I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I have anything Nike, but if I run across any in my closet, I’ll set it on fire — and I’ll be sure to have a blank look on my face when I do.

    My husband made me watch some footage from the tournament yesterday of the banners flying behind planes — “Did you mean Bootyism?” Ha.

    Shenanigans is one of the best words in the world. Although I’ll make sure not to ever get pulled into that prairie fire nonsense!

    Also, I between last weekend and this lunch hour I just read a bunch of really great posts on the site – and I hate to be the inappropriately late commenter (is there such a thing?) so right here I’ll just say:

    Angela – that was lovely!
    Richard – you are outrageous!
    Erika – incredibly sexy!
    Gloria – 🙂 gardening is such a healer
    Irene – I have so many of those conversations because I have some hearing loss. Pitch perfect. 🙂

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Unfortunately, it’s very difficult to avoid all things Tiger right now – media saturation and all that.

      Heh.

      I don’t think I’ve got any Nike either, but some blank-faced pyromancy will go a long way, I’m sure.

  8. Dana says:

    oh and SIMON! ha! I hope you get that deal with Reebok.

  9. sheree says:

    Oh my holy muckaruckus. That’s one morbid adversement.
    Nike should be very ashamed of using their distraught employees dead father to chastise him publicly.

    If I were you Simon, I would not try to gain that reebok money whilst you’re in Brooklyn this summer. They’ll beat you down like an alpaca on a violent drunks farm….

  10. Sara TNB fan says:

    It’s actually brilliant marketing, seriously bold and I mean theyy have to do something different since they’re keeping him aboard Nike endorsements but have to look like they’re not just ignoring the scandal.

    Right?

  11. Big-name advertising has always amazed me in the feats of absurdity it continues to pull off, this one being some kind of new bar raised. Tiger is a brand himself, of course, and it seems people are chiefly outraged because he didn’t keep to the intended narrative. So this is Nike’s attempt to start a new one, which seems to be working. Because no matter how low either one of them sink, they’ve still kept up the buzz.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Yes – exactly. Suddenly the story of the hero who never put a foot wrong has become the story of the phoenix who may or may not be able to rise once more.

      In terms of the ad – if they’ve gone for the ‘Any publicity is good publicity’ route, then they’re doing a very good job of it. Because this has elicited some very strong reactions from people around the world.

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