So, here’s the thing.

I want the very best for the people I care about.

I do. I really and truly do.

And when I say the very best, I’m not fooling around. I want us all to be riding our jet-powered jaguar-shaped hoverboard through the streets on our way to a) have energetic sex with a hot Spanish secret service agent of the gender of our personal choice, b) pick up the keys to our new carbon-neutral Batmobile, c) enjoy a relaxing afternoon of conversation, massage and fine cheeses at Richard Gere’s house, or d) all of the above.

Yes, I recognise and understand the nature of a supply-and-demand economy, and I know that if these options were available to everyone it would decrease their rarity value, and the bottom¹ would drop out of the lucrative energetic-sex-with-a-hot-gender-non-specific-Spanish-intelligence-agent market, but, if you were given the choice between a), b), c), d) or e) going to work tomorrow, which would you pick?

Anyway.

I’ve come to realise that not all of the people I love currently have the wonderful lives I want for them. Perhaps even more heartbreaking, neither do I. And yes, some of the reason is because life just doesn’t work like that, and Richard Gere gets very busy sometimes, but there’s also another factor at play. And that factor is this:

Assholes.

I’ve heard – and lived – enough stories of terrible boyfriends, cheating girlfriends, dangerous drivers, abusive parents, muggers, murderers, thieves, and people who answer the phone in movie theatres that I’ve been forced to stop and wonder: Goddamnit. Where are all these assholes coming from? Is there some portal to another dimension  – an asshole dimension – that someone forgot to shut? Is that where they’re all coming from? Because I’m not that asshole. My friends aren’t those assholes. Who are these assholes?

Well… the truth is that no, actually, we probably are the assholes. All of us². It’s human nature. Everyone, at some point in time or another, has acted like an asshole³. Some more than others, but that’s the way it goes.

Because we’re only human. We get angry and we say things we don’t really mean, or we somehow glide right by the idea of consequences for the split second it takes to think that greenlighting Jersey Shore is an awesome idea, or we wake up in the morning and say ‘You know what California needs? An eighth proposition!’

And I’m not trying to judge, or blame, or make anyone feel bad, with the possible exception of The Situation… it’s just that I don’t think this approach is helping anybody. So maybe we could all tell the demons on our shoulders⁴ to just kinda… take the day off.

June 2 is Saint Erasmus’s Day. He’s the patron saint of intestinal diseases and colics. And that’s about as close as you can get to a patron saint of assholes – so it makes June 2 a fitting time for Hey. Don’t Be An Asshole Today Day. And the wonderful thing about this is that you can do it anywhere you are, and if you bust someone acting like an asshole, you can say ‘Hey. Don’t be an asshole today.’

Not today.’

(Saint Erasmus? He’s that asshole on the left).


I’m not talking about making a play for sainthood. I’m merely suggesting that, for one day – one day! –  we could all take a breath and try to restrain our baser instincts. In terms of logistics, these were the first ideas that came to mind.

1. Hey. Don’t Drive Like an Asshole Today.

Yes, sometimes you want to beat the light. And sometimes the perfect gap looks ready to open up if you just drop the pedal a little harder and cut around that guy in front and bam! Made it! Now to drop right back down to the speed limit and coast… all the way to Subway.

Hey, remember every single time in your life when you’ve suddenly hit the brakes because some asshole swerved in front of you with no warning and you spent the next five minutes in an impotent rage because there was nothing you could do about it except hit the horn, which, really, does nothing, and if the horn is whiny enough, actually makes you more angry? And then on the date you went on that night, which was the third date, and we all know what that means⁵, your date says ‘How did your day go today?’ and you snapped and shouted ‘Some asshole cut me off!’ and slammed your fists into the cheesecake, and your date got weirded out and left?⁶

That asshole?

Yeah, that’s you right now.

2. Hey. Don’t Invade Anyone Today.

Just for one day, K? I know, I know, Estonia’s been looking at you funny, and Malta is just begging for it, and no one will notice if you annex Lesotho because no one’s ever heard of it, but still. Just for one day.

One day.

3. Hey. Don’t Kidnap Three People and Turn Them into a Human Centipede Today.

Because why would you even do that? Seriously, why? There is nothing that a human centipede can do better than three people who aren’t a human centipede. Literally, not one goddamn thing⁸.

You’re a weird guy, Tom Six.

4. Hey. Don’t Commit Adultery Today.

It’s a big ask. But perhaps, just for today, if you want to have sex with someone’s promiscuous wife or philandering husband, you could just… oh, I don’t know. Not commit adultery?

It’s easy to forget and slip up in the heat of the moment, but if you find yourself engaging in sexual intercourse with someone else’s partner, maybe try stopping, or at least slowing down, and saying, in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental manner ‘Hey! We’re committing adultery!’

Like assholes!’

You could then maybe watch some TV instead, or play a little blackjack, or even take a walk if the weather is nice.

I’m not going to lie. It’s probably going to be awkward.

5. Hey. Don’t Call Anyone any Names Today.

24 hours without a single nigger, cracker, fag, dyke, breeder, queer, chink, spic, etc., etc…  And I don’t even mean just the big ones – any kind of name that might be hurtful, or offensive, or mess with someone else’s head… really, what are you going to lose by not saying them for 24 hours?

Nothing, that’s what.

Absolutely nothing.

Still use ‘asshole’ though.

6. Hey. Don’t Collapse and Release an Oil Spill into the Gulf of Mexico Today.

There is nothing funny about this.

7. Hey. Don’t Steal a Bunch of Money and Fuck Every Single Person in the Whole World Today.

Or this, really.

Wait. This line of reasoning insinuates there’s something funny about #1 – #5. There isn’t. There really isn’t. These arguments aren’t mutually exclusive, is the point I’m trying to make.

The point I’m trying to make is: Bernard Madoff, you are such an asshole. I lost so goddamn much. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.

8. Hey. Don’t be an Asshole Because You Think a Book told you to Today.

No, seriously. If a book – and I’m not going to name names – is the reason why you think that some people can get married and others can’t, or why it’s OK to kill doctors, or kill people in general, or blow shit up, or really, just be mean to anyone and try to take away the rights, the life, or the happiness that you would want for yourself and the people you love, then just stop. Stop for one second and ask yourself: ‘If someone did this to me, would I think they’re an asshole?’

And then ask yourself: ‘And would my own personal God want me to be an asshole right now?’

It’s really simple. He, she, they, or it, totally doesn’t.

Gods hate assholes.

See you June 2.

¹ but not the culo
² especially you
³ but not me, actually, now that I think about it
⁴ the asshole demons
⁵ it means you can start talking about your political opinions now. All right!
⁶ you won’t be having any sexy discussions about Reaganomics tonight.⁷
⁷ or fucking
⁸ except ‘be a human centipede’, and that totally doesn’t count

TAGS: , , , , , , , ,

SIMON SMITHSON is an Australian writer and editor. He is currently based in Melbourne, Australia, but frequently finds himself in Los Angeles and San Francisco. His work has appeared on both sides of the globe in print and online in publications such as BLIP, Every Day Fiction, Beat, The Loop, My Sinking Boat, and more. He has a tumblr at www.simonsmithson.com and he runs a lifestyle experiment at www.selfhelpless.net.

319 responses to “Hey. Don’t be an Asshole Today Day”

  1. Marni Grossman says:

    (Un)Luckily for me, I have a very limited social life right now which makes it much more difficult for me to be an asshole. That said, I will think of you on June 2nd and try my best to resist the temptation to invade Estonia. Only for you, Simon.

  2. Ryan Day says:

    It’s a tough order, but for one day I’ll do my best. Hey, is it acceptable to be an asshole towards assholes on June 2nd… like, if I were to bump into Madhoff, or a BP exec, or ahem… Joe Arpaio, or this really mean religion teacher I had in high school, or this strange old lady that is constantly staring at me with a super Spanish (And not the hot secret agent variety) scowl from the balcony across the way (maybe I should close the window, or at least put some clothes on), etc… Would it then be okay to, in the spirit of dissuading assholish behavior, briefly use assholedom in an effort to reflect to an asshole what an asshole they are?

    Or is this a kill them with kindness type of event. Which approach, to be honest, is usually transparent enough to make the purveyor of a clearly fake smile come across as the most supreme type of asshole, like with sour cream and chives supreme. I just thought of someone… oh, what an asshole… I hope I don’t run into them on June 2nd… I won’t know whether to smile or scream, and either way I’ll be an asshole and have ruined your holiday just a little bit.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Oh, man. It’s the whole using a diamond to cut a diamond conundrum all over again. I’m so confused right now.

      You’re such an asshole, Day.

      Wait! I know just what to say to the old lady –

      Oye rica, por que no te vas a tomar por el culo.

      Huh? Huh?

  3. Zara Potts says:

    Oh brew, this is a great idea. We have a day set aside here in NZ called “Random acts of Kindness Day” but “Don’t be an Asshole Day” is a much better idea.
    Yep. Life would be so much better without assholes -they’re always getting in the way of me having a perfect life.
    But I would like to add a codicil to your inaugral day – ‘Say Thanks for NOT Being an Asshole.”
    And you get a HUGE thank you for being so completely unassholeish. Thank you brew, for being such a kindhearted soul.
    I will try and stop being an asshole just for you.
    (and just for a day)

    • Simon Smithson says:

      One day. One day is all I ask.

      I don’t know… is that making a virtue from a necessity?

      OK, OK, I give! People will be thanked.

      I guess.

      Assholes.

  4. Becky says:

    The problem with don’t-be-an-asshole day, as it is with don’t-be-an-asshole life, is that anyone who is willing to simply ignore the holiday is going to, ironically, have relatively free reign to be as big an asshole as he/she likes, since everyone who IS participating will be disinclined to do anything sufficiently assholish to stop or dissuade him/her. See Ryan’s questions, above.

    Thus, don’t-be-an-asshole day becomes, simultaneously, Opportunists’ Day, or Well-Intentioned, self-manufactured victims’ Day.

    Which, cynical as it sounds, is essentially true and thus a matter of realism, not cynicism.

    But of course, someone is lurking around a corner to leap out and say, “Becky! Your lack of faith in people is depressing! You’re such a cynic/sociopath/Republican/asshole!”

    Then I’ll be like, “Hey! No I’m not! I’m just saying people are assholes, which is the point of, and inherently acknowledged by, Don’t Be an Asshole Day! How come you call ME a cynic, and not Simon???”

    “Because he is not a cat.”

    “Oh I see,” I’ll say.

    Of course, at the end of the day, there is nothing for me, personally, to stop doing, since I am never an asshole. *cross arms* I have been known to walk around with cigarette butts in my pocket until I can find a garbage can, and I always put unwanted greeting cards and other retail items back in their appropriate places in the store.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Shhhh… ixnay on hasepay wotay. When all the suckers ain’t lookin’… heh.

      I mean, uh… nah, man. Nah. It’s all about the love.

      But I think there’s a difference between being an asshole and being assertive. No, wait, there totally is. Aggression and assertion are two different things.

      Ah, realpolitik. One of my favourite things.

      • Becky says:

        I can commit to nothing, mostly because I hate committing to anything.

        I can only say with relative certainty that I will do my best to try to participate to the most reasonable extent of my abilities.

        Unless someone is an asshole to me, in which case I’m totally going to be an asshole to that guy.

        Love is a battlefield, dude.

  5. Cynthia Hawkins says:

    I’m feeling pretty good about Don’t Be an Asshole Today Day because I think I can manage without even trying too hard. Since Celebrity Apprentice is over I’m pretty sure I won’t be referring to anyone as a “douche bag,” so no worries on the name calling. Yep, I think I can do this. Now, if you create a Don’t Be a Smart Ass Today Day I’m in real trouble.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      My favourite curse/name-calling came from an episode when I was working at bar. A co-worker and I were spraying each other with spritzer (it was a dull day), then he upped the ante by throwing a glass of water on me.

      So I got one of the tubs of melted ice that collected beneath the drink sinks and emptied it over him. He turned into it, and just as the freezing cold water doused him he spat ‘Motherless fuck!’

      It was genius.

      • Cynthia Hawkins says:

        That’s just the sort of creative cursing I can appreciate!

        • Simon Smithson says:

          It was awesome. The way it just came flying out of his mouth, like he was an old Sicilian man stubbing his toe.

          That water must have been freaking cold. Heh. Sorry, Brad (not Listi).

  6. Lorna says:

    Woman can’t be assholes, can they? I mean really, when was the last time you referred to a woman as an asshole? We’ll need our own special holiday.

  7. Irene Zion says:

    Simoon,

    I’m with you all the way!

    Don’t you wish we all dressed like Saint Erasmus and the rest of the guys in the painting?
    That would really spice up your days, putting your outfits together.

  8. Irene Zion says:

    Oops,
    Simoon is not what I meant to say.
    Although Simoon is sort of pretty.
    I meant to say: “Simon.”

  9. Greg Olear says:

    But my country has a border dispute with Malta!

    (That’s a geography joke. I’m such a dork).

  10. Amanda says:

    One of my dad’s favourite sayings is, “If you meet more than three assholes in a day, you are probably one of them.”

    Now and then, I feel like there needs to be a formula, sort of like how inflation and cost of living is worked out, to calculate a fair, periodic increase in that number. Because honestly…I know that I am sometimes an asshole. I never mean to be; it just occurs. We are *all* occasional, accidental a-holes. But, the frequency with which I encounter three or more, and upon sincere personal reflection am myself not among those three, is often. Often!

    In these troubled times, I think five might be a more reasonable number. If you meet more than five…

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I have a friend who regularly tells stories where he acts like an asshole, and then makes the point that someone else in the story was being unreasonable.

      No, Nameless Friend, while the two aren’t mutually exclusive, you were being the asshole.

      We need to get some economists in on this. They can formulate the shit out of it.

  11. Sarah says:

    According to my booming social calendar, I will be doing nothing that day except working. Luckily I work at home so it’s very likely the only people I’ll come into direct contact with that day will be my children and two day care workers. I think I’ll be able to abstain from asshole-like behavior.

    In general though, in my defense, I am only an asshole if the other person deserves it. Not just in a in-my-opinion-you’re-being-kind-of-an-asshole way but in a true ladies-and-gentleman-of-the-jury, beyond a reasonable doubt way.

    As to your diamond cutting a diamond conundrum above, I don’t think being an asshole to an asshole is the way to go. To get the best results, as measured by everyone calming the fuck down and letting each other live their lives, I find it best to be an asshole to someone who’s being a douche and to be a snarky bitch to someone who’s being an asshole. I suppose, in this example, the male equivalent of a snarky bitch would be a self-righteous prick or something along those lines.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I try not to be an asshole, but, you know. Everyone has their own truth. And sometimes it just slips out, and I laugh at the idea of someone catching spaghetti with their face.

      I don’t know, maybe everyone’s going to have to stay at home and meditate that day or something.

      Oh! So it’s more of a paper/scissors/rock proposition?

  12. Slade Ham says:

    I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am very. very capable of being an asshole on a regular basis. I don’t fight it anymore. I will have to make my own list of infractions to be avoided on June 2. I know where my recurring ones lie, hahaha.

    If I’d known a Simon Smithson post was going up today I totally would have waited another day before I did. Damn auto-schedule…

    We’re definitely on the same page with God-kilings today though.

  13. JM Blaine says:

    Ah geez, we can do footnotes
    on TNB?
    I’ve been wanting to do that for
    years.
    How did you do that?

    I’ve studied assholes a lot
    in this life and come to two main
    conclusions:
    Except for people whose gimmick is asshole
    (Gene Simmons, Donald Trump, Howard Stern)
    most assholes do not think they are being assholy.
    We live blind you know and most people sincerely
    think they are doing the right thing
    the best they can.
    The other is a lot of assholish behaviors
    are from people who are afraid if they don’t kick back
    they’ll get taken advantage of.
    Sometimes, if you stand up for yourself
    people will say “HEY! Quit being an asshole…”
    What a crazy world.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Oh, man. How sweet it is!

      Microsoft Word, insert symbol, superscript. It’s the bomb. I’m so happy I found my way to it.

      As always, you speak wisdom, 11. I don’t think people are consciously assholes most of the time. I think they just haven’t thought things through, or maybe looked at things every way they could.

      I’ve had a lot of struggles with that myself. I think the balance is between kicking back and being rolled over, and simply drawing an assertive boundary (in terms of standing up for oneself, that is). Neither passivity nor aggression, but assertion.

  14. Matt says:

    Damn it, Simon! I was just about to declare June 1st The Day of Absolute Bastardry. Promiscuous adultery, corporate pillaging and hostile invasion were TOTALLY on the menu (Canada, you’ve had it easy for way to long). Way to be a buzzkill, asshole.

    Like Slade, I became a much happier person once I learned to embrace my inner asshole. Which in my case generally means turning my internal censor to “off,” and not taking shit from people that I haven’t earned. I’ll try to participate, but honestly…no promises.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Sorry, G. At least you’ve got the jump for 2011 though, you know?

      Yes, that inner asshole’s a prize, all right. It should be about the size of a walnu – wait, what?

      Again, I think there’s a real difference between being an asshole and not taking shit.

      Heh.

      Wait.

      This could set us up for a great, if obscene, line of joking.

  15. Tawni says:

    This made me laugh and laugh. You are a funny man.

    I promise I will be very good and sweet and kind and loving on June 2. And then I’ll go back to being a total dickhead on June 3.

    xoxo.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Aw, thanks Tawni!

      I try.

      I wonder if I’m setting up a scenario where the world sees a release of pent-up douchebaggery on June 3? Jesus. I hope not…

      oxox

  16. Judy Prince says:

    Simon, I’d have to paste in your whole post in order to show what I LOVED about it. LOVED!!!!!

    Here’s my most fave of all of the hoots: “if you find yourself engaging in sexual intercourse with someone else’s partner, try stopping, or at least slowing down, and saying, in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental manner ‘Hey! We’re committing adultery!’ “

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Appreciate it, Judy.

      I don’t get this, you know. On a serious level, how does this not occur to people that adultery is, you know. Asshole behaviour. You don’t get to sell yourself as the hero in that situation.

      • Judy Prince says:

        Briefly on the not-serious level, Simon, it was the “or at least slowing down” that made me tea-spit the most, but the whole thing kept me giggling.

        On the serious side, I’ve known several friends, female and male, who’ve had “outside” sexual relationships while married. I’ve heard their stories, reasons, and frustrations, as well as the effects of their liaisons on their spouses and children—–and I can’t truly understand it.

        In most of the situations, the person was profoundly unhappy in the marriage, and either couldn’t bring themselves to say it to their spouses or out of a p’raps unconscious desperate hunt for fulfillment or love or understanding, fell into a liaison.

        The longer the marriage, the more explosive are the effects on the entire family. By then, usually there’re kids who are old enuff to “get” why one parent’s fury at the other parent is barely contained. And there’s the whole guilt thing which torpedoes some people’s psyches for years.

        We’re talking about a damnable, tragic, lose-lose situation, Simon. The fact that you could make me tea-spit and giggle about it is a testimony to your comedic talent.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Heh.

          I’ll admit.

          I’m fond of that image.

          Slowing, and saying ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s talk about this!’

          Hilarity, of course, ensues.

          As with all human relations, yes. It’s not a simple matter. And I don’t mean to generalise or characterise (unless I think I can get a laugh out of it). Why do people do the things we do? Because we’re imperfect, basically.

          But a lot of us try, really hard. Which is a good thing, I think.

          And unfortunately, far too often we’re far too unaware of the consequences of our actions until it’s too late.

        • Sarah says:

          I’ll be another to testify to your comedic talent. I’ve had a pretty shitty two years, as you know Simon, and even I laughed my ass off at this image. In fact, I tried to picture my now ex-husband and his then skank of a bartender girlfriend having this conversation. I laughed even harder.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Wow, Sarah, if you got a huge laff, then I think it’s time Simon went into couples’ laff counseling. [Could be big bucks in it, Simon.]

          And, Simon, I couldn’t agree more with your assessment that a lot of us try really hard not to be assholes, but, as you put it: “. . . unfortunately, far too often we’re far too unaware of the consequences of our actions until it’s too late.”

          Oh, the asshole things I’ve done—–it astonishes even me!

        • Simon Smithson says:

          @Sarah: nice to know. Goddamn shitty two years. We deserve better. I’ll talk to the Spanish secret service on your behalf.

          @Judy: I SHOULD go into business.

          re: being an asshole.

          Yeah.

          It happens.

          Have you been able to put things right?

        • Judy Prince says:

          Now that’s a good question, Simon.

          If you mean have I apologised or something to the victims of my assholeness, no, it has never occurred to me.

          But if you mean have I “forgiven” myself——with the help of that everyday prayer, yes. Only prob is that the prayer says I’m cut loose from “paying” for past mistakes……*as* I cut loose other folks from “paying” for their past mistakes. It’s like a big sign goes up in my head if I’ve been pitching fits about folks’ assholeness, dredging it up and reacting like they’re gonna keep doing the same things. That part of the prayer usually demands lotsa careful thinking, has given me major revelations, and has been a huge help to me.

          But, yeah, like you say, we’re humans so we’re imperfect, but we try to not be assholes.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I’ve made my apologies for my bigger moments of assholery. It can be cathartic. And illuminating.

          Yeah. Forgiveness is important.

          I think there need to be steps towards change. An old boss had a good line: ‘You don’t have to say you’re sorry as long as you don’t do it again.’

        • Judy Prince says:

          Cool boss, that one, Simon. What he says gets right to the core of pragmatic forgiveness. Not quite as stunning as the Scylla and Charybdis of footwear sexuality quote, tho.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Heh.

          Some day I’m going to write a piece about my boss Mike. That goddamn guy…

        • Judy Prince says:

          Yeah, we might like Mike, Simon.

          BTW, I forgot to say I admire you for apologising to some of the victims of your assholery (I like your word here) and that it was cathartic.

          Thing is, now that you’ve mentioned the issue, it’s like I’d be apologising every two minutes! Maybe we could have an Assholery Severity Rating and only apologise to the victims on the 7-10 levels of ASR, not the 1-6s.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Yep. It’s generally only been when I’ve taken the level to 9 that I’ve abjectly prostrated myself, and apologised, and tried to explain why it was I did the things I did.

          Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never broke any major laws,or committed any of the big crimes, but still.

          I think – I hope – I’ve been forgiven in all the important cases I’m aware of.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Oh, yup, Simon, to all of that, and especially to the last sentence: “I think – I hope – I’ve been forgiven in all the important cases I’m aware of.”

          You recalled to me a couple times I’d carried guilt for years, just couldn’t face the anger. One woman I eventually looked up, years after we both had moved. I explained to her that I had been so harsh with her about money bcuz I’d just lost my job and just plain didn’t have the money, but I was too embarrassed to tell her that. She said, “Oh, Sugar, I haven’t given it a thought,” and carried on a delightful conversation with me for quite awhile. My relief and gratitude were haloes for days!

          Do these “pictures” of your past assholeries pop up for you, too, when the topic’s mentioned—–as it is with all these comments?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Well…

          Sorta.

          Around January or so last year, due to a brewing romantic situation, I realised I needed greater insight into who I was, and what the fears that were holding me back were. So I had to get in touch with a lot of people from my past, and that brought up some moments in which I had acted less than admirably, and so the opportunity came up to apologise. And for people to apologise to me, which was nice.

          Then, just the other day, someone said something which indirectly reminded me of something I’d done, so I took the time to, out of the blue, apologise to her. And I learned so very much as a result.

  17. Jim Simpson says:

    Hear! Hear!

  18. Keep dreaming John Lennon.

  19. Gloria says:

    I’m going with C. And I won’t even make a joke about Gere, your question about “some portal to another dimension”, assholes, and hamsters. Because I don’t want to be an asshole.

    • Dante Atkins says:

      Simon, where do you get off telling me what to do?!

      Sorry, just being some a******.

      • Simon Smithson says:

        @Gloria: I think I’d enjoy C. Heh. But I like your portal joke.

        Heh.

        Ah, immaturity rocks.

        @Dante: It’s OK. You’ve got until June 2.

  20. reno says:

    simon!

    duty call so i have to bail. but tomorrow i will leave you a delicious comment.

    i promise…

    rock on!

  21. I’m so in! I actually marked it on my calendar.

    It reads: Lock yourself in room whilst heavily sedated.

    I think that should take of it.

    Seriously, I love this. You’re tits.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Oh, it loves you too Megan! You’re tits as well.

      Hey, if you drool on yourself, I’m sorry. Real sorry.

  22. TammyAllen says:

    Elmo

  23. Who is the hot chick with the halo on the right and is she married?

  24. Carol Hiller says:

    I like you, I really like you.

  25. Jessica Blau says:

    Okay Simon, you had me laughing OUT LOUD! I spit out my coffee at “St. Erasums? He’s that asshole on the left.”

    I’m in. I will celebrate Don’t Be an Asshole Today! Can we translate it to make it world wide? How do you say it in German? Somehow I think it will sound best in German. En Francais: “Ne soyez pas un ane aujord’ hui.”

    You know I think of the period of time after college when one gets their first salaried job as THe Age of the Asshole. I was an asshole then. Everyone I know was an asshole then. It’s when you first have money and you think you’re cool and the whole world is open to you. But it only takes a couple of years enmeshed in the Age of the Asshole to realize we’re all the same (you, me, the homeless guy, the guy working at 7-11, the guy on Wall Street), all connected, all fragile, all in charge of caring for each other.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Oh, cool! Always good when you score a laugh. I hope your coffee didn’t land on anything important.

      “Ne soyez pas un ane aujord’ hui.”

      Bien.

      How would one go about saying that in Spanish?

      And yes. I think the way out is through, here. You develop more awareness of the ties between us all and think Well… maybe I won’t an asshole every day.

      Just some days.

  26. Richard Cox says:

    I have almost-written SO many posts about #1. It is my biggest beef, because driving seems so freakin’ basic to me. I mean, can’t you boil good, polite driving down to one simple rule?

    Don’t impede other people.

    Which means use your blinkers properly, don’t cut people off, don’t block streets and driveways when you are stuck in traffic, don’t drive slow in the fast lane, don’t speed through school and construction zones, etc. It’s just not that hard, is it? Yes, we’re all going to make mistakes, but not to the level you see on a daily basis. People are just being assholes.

    And #5. I honestly don’t run into this one very often, but I just got back from a golf trip in rural Arkansas, and you would not believe some of the horrifyingly racist shit some of those backwoods rednecks say. I heard one guy ask his buddy, “Hey, Bubba, you want some Gatorade to hydrate yourself? You’ve only been drinking beer all afternoon.” To which Bubba replied, “I don’t want any of that n—-r juice.” Really? Now we’re ascribing racial connotations to electrolytes?

    Ah, jeez. Can we make every day June 2?

    • Sarah says:

      “Now we’re ascribing racial connotations to electrolytes?”

      Ha! I loved this, Richard.

      • Richard Cox says:

        Thanks. I just never imagined one could find such a creative way to be a racist pig.

        There were close to 300 golfers in this tournament and I didn’t see a single person who wasn’t white. Not one. Most of the people are as nice as they come, but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a more insular place in my life.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh my God. That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.

          Shouldn’t they be discriminating against Gatorade because of its embracing of all colours?

          Oh, man. Also: why the fuck are people so dumb at driving, so much of the time? Yes. People are just being pushy assholes.

          I should have made the date June 30. So every day could be my birthday, too.

        • Richard Cox says:

          Another one I heard is how this one dude wouldn’t use Nike golf equipment because of Tiger Woods. And it had nothing at all to do with Woods’ infidelity.

          And here I am decked out in Nike golf attire the whole weekend. AND I was wearing a hat like this in honor of my hero, Ben Hogan, but apparently that hat also has racial connotations.

          Sometimes I hate humanity.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I read and re-read the Woods sentence and then it clicked and I did that thing where you kinda hiss backwards over your teeth – like when you see someone stub their toe really badly, you know?

          Are the racial connotations anything to do with Dom DeLuise?

        • Richard Cox says:

          Haha. Apparently the hat goes hand in hand with the electrolytes. I felt like I was taking a college course in racial stereotypes. Or on Candid Camera. Maybe I’ll see myself on TV sometime soon and I can rest easy.

          But somehow I don’t think so.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I recently stumbled across the phrase ‘That’s mighty white of you.’

          Whoa, you know?

        • Dana says:

          Really? Only recently? I remember that one from my childhood.

          That was one of those things that was slipped into daily conversation in the rural area I grew up in. I’ve heard it recently, but as irony.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Yes, I’ve heard it’s been re-invented as sarcasm. I think it’s an Americanism.

  27. angela says:

    simon, this is so awesome and hilarious.

    i find the worst kinds of assholes are the passive-aggressive kind. at least if you’re gonna be an asshole, be a man and own it!

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Agreed. That’s the worst and the sneakiest brand of assholery. Get it out in the open where it can be dealt with!

      • Becky says:

        Oh man. Don’t get me started. Passive aggressive people are some of my favorite people to encounter. I mean, I dislike the behavior intensely, but as an aggressive-aggressive person, I’m totally unbothered by the confrontation they’re terrified of, and I’m immune to almost any guilt-trip that originates outside of myself.

        Passive-aggressive people have a big huge target on their foreheads as far as I’m concerned.

        God. Fuckers. You have to rip away that whole underhanded bullshit act, and quick. Like a band aid. Problem is, they tend to be criers.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Yep. They cry like bitches at the drop of a hat.

          Did you ever see Deadwood, Becky?

        • Becky says:

          I think you’ve asked me this before. No, I haven’t. Why?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I was watching an ep last night where there’s a little minor passive-aggression going on. And watching Ian McShane handle any situation like that is always fun:

          ‘Don’t pull that make-me-pull-your-words-out-of-you bullshit. That shit don’t play with me.’

        • Becky says:

          I think the last time I talked about a passive-aggressive act, I said the individual was “peddling [his/her] goods to the wrong consumer.”

          I have a few relatives who are like that. I’ve become an expert. Or at least I’ve developed some pretty specific strategies.

        • Dana says:

          I love Deadwood. The cursing is FABULOUS.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          @Becky: I’m curious – how do you approach and defuse the situation? Or do you simply not stand for it?

          @Dana: I’ve been re-watching it, and I laugh so hard every time there’s a well-placed epithet.

          Ian McShane, apparently, will be playing Blackbeard in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean flick. As one frend put it, upon hearing the news: ‘Yo ho ho, you cocksuckers!’

        • Becky says:

          Depends on the type of offense. It’s a strategy, so it’s comprised of multiple tactics. Not standing for it, in addition to not humoring it are recurring themes.

  28. sheree says:

    Brilliant idea.

  29. Simon Smithson says:

    I do what I can, you know? Frankly, I’m surprised no one has thought of it before.

    • sheree says:

      Well that’s not surprising to me, due to the fact that the “global asshole ASSociation” is at an all time high these days. Further proving your point for need of an asshole free day or zone at the least.

      Bad drivers seem to pull the most absurd run on sentences from my mouth. Heh, so I’d defiantly be up for asshole free road zones. I’d rather live with being in line behind the guy counting change to pay his bill, for the rest of my life, than forced to share the road with asshole drivers.

  30. Laura Bogart says:

    I laughed so hard I’m actually in pain–but in a good way. Still, what solid, common-sense advice.

  31. Sarah says:

    I only wish that I COULD be an asshole for one day. Just one… and only to those who have been an asshole to me… but then… that would only bring me down to their level of asshole-ness, which is not really my style. Not that I don’t have my moments. A person can only be pushed so far before something eventually slips out in anger. I don’t believe that it is in our human nature to be assholes… I like to believe that everyones nature is to be kind but through the suffering in life, they have moments of weakness that they take out on others. I love this lets not be an asshole day and will spread the word if only to make others aware, of the strength, of kindness that, against all odds, can prevail.

    Cheers love!

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Exactly. It’s hard to grab onto your reactions sometimes and keep from biting back, but really, that’s doesn’t help anything.

      But then, neither does rolling over and taking the abuse.

      Strength and kindness – a powerful combination!

  32. A whole day… wow…

    But seriously, I get through my life by telling myself that other people are assholes, and that I’m just slipping up from time to time. Now you’re making me think about all the horrible things I’ve done in my life. Thanks. Way to be an asshole, Simon.

    And you had me laughing pretty hard about the driving thing. I get so fucking angry when people drive like assholes and it really does make me do stupid shit like slamming my fist into cheesecake, even though I’m well aware that the cheesecake is not to blame. (Except in that one case when the cheesecake lorry took a corner badly and my motorcycle was covered in cheesecake, causing me to slide out and under the wheels of a carrot cake lorry. I really shouldn’t have punched all those carrot cakes. They didn’t deserve it. They weren’t really to blame.)

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I now have the awesome image of you ripping the doors off the back of the carrot cake truck, screaming ‘I’ll kill you, you fucks!’ and laying into them with both fists.

      It’s only horrible if you meant it to be. Otherwise, it’s just grim circumstance.

      • Actually, I screamed, “Carrots aren’t meant to be be desserts, you bastards!”

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I also would have accepted you pulling a knife from your boot and saying in one of those steely cold action-movie voices ‘Time for your just desserts, you sons of bitches.’

        • I’m trying to think of a good re torte.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          One that really takes the cake?

        • No, something really half-baked.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          That is how the cookie crumbles, after all.

        • Enough! I’ve been trapped in the land of kimchi and boiled silk-worm larvae for so long I can barely remember my bakery puns.

          The only puns I know in Korean revolve around the fact that they use the same word for “pepper” and “penis,” for “spicy” and “erect,” and for “eat” and “fuck.” So it’s really not much of a challenge to throw those together.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Not as much of a challenge as it is to order in restaurants.

        • Richard Cox says:

          Those puns are great but in the end carrot cake is in my top 5 all time desserts. As long as it has the butter cream cheese frosting and not that whipped shit.

          Whipped shit. That sounds like a great new expletive!

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Ha! I love it.

          What’s the Soprano’s line: ‘Well, I’ll be dipped in shit.’

          Also (and Jesus, what I wouldn’t give to insert a horizontal line here, to separate these two concepts) – I’ve been going fucking crazy for cheesecake recently. I don’t know what it is.

          I hope I’m not pregnant.

        • Ok, I’ve got it. I’ve been working with my six-year old thinktank all day to come up with the best situational joke for the aforementioned crash scenario.

          Here goes.

          I was thrown under the wheels of a cheesecake lorry and mistakenly thought it the fault of the cheesecakes inside. I ripped open the doors of the lorry, pulled a knife from my boot, and screamed, “Alright, motherfuckers! It’s time to cut the cheese…cake.”

        • Simon Smithson says:

          OK.

          That’s a wrap!

          Print that one.

        • Jessica Blau says:

          Wait! We MUST go back to Korean words: Pepper = Penis. Erect = Spicy. And Eat = Fuck.

          So, if you’re in a Korean restaurant and you say, “I’d like to eat some spicy peppers, please.” You could also be saying, “I’d like to fuck an erect penis please.”

          EXACT same word? Or sort of similar? Please, please explain!

        • They’re the same, but slang. And besides, there aren’t many words in Korean. It’s a limited language. The word for “jizz” also means business and a number of other things.

          So yeah, you could walk into a restaurant and say, “I’d like to eat a spicy pepper,” and it would indeed mean “I want to fuck an erect penis.” But Korean is very circumstantial. Things only mean what the situation dictates.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          So… do people ever hang out in the jizzness district?

          Oh. I think I just gagged a little.

  33. Lenore says:

    i love that you’ve just “come to realize” that not all of your friends are riding jet-powered jaguar-shaped surfboards through the streets on their way to a) have energetic sex with a hot Spanish secret service agent of the gender of their personal choice, b) pick up the keys to their new carbon-neutral Batmobile, or c) enjoy a relaxing afternoon of conversation, massage and fine cheeses at Richard Gere’s house.

    what tipped you off, simon?

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I decided I needed to get out more, and one thing just kinda led to another.

      Also, I was in the shower and I suddenly thought ‘Man. The human condition? Sometimes, that can be a real motherfucker.’

      • Lenore says:

        in all honesty, i don’t think the human condition is so bad. i see patients all day, people who have been trampled on, and they are still keeping their heads up and working hard to overcome the negative. there’s a lot of good stuff out there. it’s more than oil spills and people fucking around on their partners. one of the good things about being a therapist is that you sit across from people who are telling you stories about things you’re sure would have killed you had you been them, but they’re above it and making themselves better. it’s inspiring. don’t forget that part of the human condition.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Well, that’s why it’s only a real motherfucker sometimes. There’s a lot to like about being human. You can have a really good time with it!

          And there’s the whole gamut of inspiration, or strength, or kindness, to run. It’s both positive and negative – I think it’s important to be aware of, and not wallow in, either.

        • Lenore says:

          wallow in this, smithson.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Is there currently a visual component to this reparte? I suspect there is.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          “There’s a lot to like about being human. You can have a really good time with it!”

          So true. It’s why I fear being tricked into enlightenment. It’s so close at times, I can almost hear it but the thought of dissolving into it, into giving up “I” and admitting that we are all part of the same consciousness, all random thoughts bounding around the same cosmic cranium…. No. I enjoy my illusion of self far too much. I’m like a karmic arsonist – there is so much destruction and suffering within my humanness but I don’t want to tear my eyes away from the sheer beauty within that inferno.

          I like being an asshole too much.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I’m not sure you can get to enlightenment 100% on this plane of existence.

          Oh, shit.

          I just wrote ‘plane of existence’ without a single hint of irony.

          Yep.

          It’s back to San Francisco for me.

          While self may be an illusion, it’s a pretty convincing one. I think we can get to certain levels of spiritual evolution while we’re here, but to get the whole enchilada of unity and one-ness with the universe… not while you’re wearing a meatsuit, I’m afraid.

          At least, that’s how I see it.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          If I thought about this more, I’d probably be there with you. It’s spiritual skinny-dipping – you can see the river if you’re willing to look and you can decide to join the current while you’re still dressed in your finery but you’ve got to leave your clothes on the shore to get wet.

          And that’s what I was driving at. I wear the meatsuit well and I like the way it feels. It’s fun to play in, knowing that the river is right there, waiting for when you’re ready to drop it.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh, well said!

          Yep. The meatsuit’s got its advantages and disadvantages. You can have a lot of fun in a meatsuit. But, if you’re going to commit to that, you have to commit to the possible attendant downsides, too.

          Such is life.

        • Richard Cox says:

          We’re all just bit players in the simulation, so whether we are connected or individuals, it’s all pointless anyway, right?

          We’re all pawns of The Guy.

          And boy, does he like to have fun with that.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Unless as aspects of creation, we are component parts of The Guy, and the movements and tides of existence are aspects of one Guy relating to himself in gestalt.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Oh, yeah! Aside from the whole checkered past thing, I have kids to worry about, a mortgage to pay, a recent freakout over the specter of Parkinsons’ stalking my subconscious and, since Monday morning, this weird vein sticking out of my left temple coinciding with an arrival of an odd pins-and-needles sensation in my left hand. I’m willing to bet that last bit is work-related, though.

          Convincing illusion… but illusion nonetheless. Won’t stop me from shooting when the zombies start devouring the neighborhood, of course. You know… in case I’m full of shit, this is all “really-real” and there is no afterlife.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Yeah – despite the fact that it’s an illusion created by the ego-consciousness… I’m still gonna pay my taxes.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Tax collectors. I can still be an asshole to those assholes, right?

        • Richard Cox says:

          Yes. The universe evolves from pure, inanimate energy into organized heavy elements that organize themselves into conscious structures smart enough to further organize the universe into a computing machine that becomes fully interconnected, which makes God our future, not our past. I mean, The Guy.

          It’s too late for this shit, Simon. Or at least it is here in US Central Time. Or maybe time is merely a human construct so everything doesn’t seem to happen all at once. Mwaaaaaaaahahahahahaha.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          @Anon: depends. How pretty are they?

          @RC: Exactly.

          Time is the greatest illusion of them all. That’s the one that’ll be hardest to come to terms with on a de-physicalised level.

          (but don’t worry. I’m on it).

        • Richard Cox says:

          You know, the time illusion thing doesn’t really bug me. I can’t totally conceive of it but I can think about it from a distance and it seems reasonable to me.

          The one I can’t ever get around is the universe spontaneously originating from nothing. Although I guess if you decouple it from time, then it doesn’t have to have ever originated.

          Then again, if you get rid of time, then how to measure the expansion of space?

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          “That’s the one that’ll be hardest to come to terms with on a de-physicalised level.”

          Pfff. You guys obviously don’t have kids.

          And it doesn’t matter how pretty they are, Simon, when their goal is victimizing you. Unless they’re Cylons and look like Tricia Helfer. (Sorry – been thinking about that since I made the mistake of mentioning her earlier today.)

        • Simon Smithson says:

          @Anon: not that I know of!

          Is this going to be like Greg’s Heidi Montag pic? Because that’s still with me.

          @RC: I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I just got a book from Book Depository about Godel’s theories on time and it’s non-existence (goddamn Europeans. There must have been something in the water). So I’ll let you know what I find out.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Simon, it’ll only be an issue if you Google her. So, in an attempt to save you, I’m going to Google her now and Google her so often it’ll be a de facto denial-of-service attack on Google, keeping you from seeing her. Christ, I would Google the fucking hell out of her every waking minute of ev-…. Um…. I gotta go. G’night now.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Tricia Helfer is a convincing illusion!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          See? Fuck enlightenment!! Huzzah for meatsuits!

        • Richard Cox says:

          Tricia Helfer is sort of like The Guy in Battlestar, right?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I never saw it…

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          @RC: If “The Guy” is sort of a god figure, then no. But, um, I’ve said enough on the topic, I think. Don’t want to spoil your BG viewing or embarrass myself further. Though…. NO! Nope. Nein. I’ve said enough.

        • Judy Prince says:

          “The Guy”, guys? Is there a god for guys and a goddess for girls?

          Anon, as one of the reigning deities on TNB, I note that Anon’s meatsuit (who invented that perfect word?) looks like it’s aiming for some other place to leap, what with the kids stomping on your head, the odd vein sticking out of your left temple, and the pins-and-needles sensation in your hand. Sounds like meatsuit rebellion to me.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Judy, I have considered that, hence my recent ponderings on my mortality. And “The Guy” is Richard’s thing. I haven’t devled into it with him directly but I’ve caught a few references elsewhere. Richard? Sort of you answer to the supreme deity question? Personally, I think anything in that position of cosmic authority would be beyond physical gender. But what do I know? I can’t even keep my meatsuit on, it seems.

          Should anything untoward happen to me, btw, I hold Slade blameless. These things just happen.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Anon, we TNB (omni-gendered) deities decree that you’ll keep your meatsuit on and good order until your children are Way Old Enough to understand after years of experience with their own children, why it is that at this moment your meatsuit is difficult to keep on.

          Meatsuits unite!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Man. I thought it was tough being the center of the universe – can’t imagine the workload of being an omnigendered deity. You wear it well, dear.

        • Judy Prince says:

          WE omni-gendered TNB deities, Anon—-WE!!! That means all of us at TNB!

          Thanks for the compliment, Anon, but my meatsuit, too, is stunningly wayward. I have to go upside its head from time to time to let it know who’s boss.

          Meatsuit bosses unite!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Ah, well, I’m afraid I can’t lay claim to such a lofty title. Besides, I’m fairly certain I’m uni-gendered. Either that or my balancing gender is a such a passionate lesbian that it’s deceptive.

        • Becky says:

          Way late on this one, but in another shameless display of T.S. Eliot and poetry worship, I’m going to recommend to you, Simon, Eliot’s Four Quartets.

          I mean, it has a great deal of time-theory in it, but it’s not, like, dry philosophy or Stephen Hawking or that sort of thing. There are literary voices in that cross-cultural, cross-temporal conversation, and he’s one of the big ones.

          And now that you already know it’s about time (at least on a general level), you don’t have to go stumbling into it with no idea what’s going on.

          The first of the quartets, “Burnt Norton,” starts as such:

          Time present and time past
          Are both perhaps present in time future,
          And time future contained in time past.
          If all time is eternally present
          All time is unredeemable.
          What might have been is an abstraction
          Remaining a perpetual possibility
          Only in a world of speculation.
          What might have been and what has been
          Point to one end, which is always present.

          Wrap you head around THAT shit.

          Or don’t. Whatever. I don’t care. But it’s an entire theory of time, in verse, in 10 lines.

          As you were.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh, cool! Thanks, Becky! I’m all over it.

          Also, Judy: the phrase ‘meatsuit’: I’m not sure where it was coined, but I came into contact with it through one of my guiltiest pleasures, Supernatural.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Simon, what’s “Supernatural”?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

          Judy! I’m shocked!

          It’s a kind of spiritual successor to The X-Files – it’s an American road show about two brothers who drive around the country, hunting werewolves and ghosts and demons. To a 70s rock soundtrack. And schmaltzy moments.

          http://www.youtube.com/user/areyouwatchingsn?blend=2&ob=4

        • Richard Cox says:

          I derived the idea for The Guy (of course this is not a new idea…it’s basically Gnosticism with some Philip K Dick mixed in) a few years ago when I started writing the novel I mentioned in my post yesterday. I posted a blog about it if you want to read the whole thing, but here’s an excerpt that pretty much says it all:

          “There is a guy out there playing a game, and that game is us.

          See, this “guy” developed a game where humans are smart enough to develop great inventions, they are emotional enough to experience love, they are aware enough to fear their own mortality and insignificance in the universe.

          The “guy” derives no small amount of entertainment from this absurd setup.

          He has created our universe in such a way that almost everything can be empirically tested. He has set up this simulation so that there seems to be a set of immutable laws of physics that cannot be violated.

          And then every once in a while, for dramatic effect, he violates them on purpose.”

          I mean it’s not any kind of amazing idea. It’s just, instead of a perfect, all-knowing God, I like to think he’s quite flawed and likes to mess with us, which perfectly explains a) why the world is so messed up and b) how weird, unexplainable, unprovable things happen to people.

          Makes perfect sense to me.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh, man, how he loves to mess with us.

          It’s breadcrumb breadcrumb breadcrumb stop!

          And you think But there were all these breadcrumbs. I was following them. Now look where I’ve gotten myself.

        • Uche Ogbuji says:

          Eliot was the ultimate arsehole, so Becky’s reco is apropos.

          Ad how can we not throw in the man who might have come up with the word “bullshit”?

          http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/002404.html

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh my God.

          That’s fantastic!

          The absolute weariness of it… score one, Eliot.

      • Don Mitchell says:

        Richard — we’re having a lot of fun here, so I hesitate to throw our a reference.

        But . . . on the time issue, I’ve found this book fascinating:

        “From Eternity to Here,” by Sean Carroll.

        You might already know it. But if not, given your interests, I think you’ll like it.

        And now, back to our regularly-scheduled assholery. My contribution a la David Wills will be to mention that in the Bougainville language I know, the words for “shit” and “my father” differ by only the length of one vowel.

        If you like that one, shake Djibouti.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          More books! Goddamnit…

          Right now, Don, I wish my father bred hamsters. Because then, of course, I could talk about Papa’s new guinea.

          (yes, yes, I know. A hamster is not a guinea pig. Poetic license!)

        • Richard Cox says:

          Sorry, Don. Just saw this. I will definitely check out that book. Sounds familiar but I haven’t read it. Thank for the suggestion.

          A hamster is not a guinea pig??

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Nope. Guinea pigs classically have a dumber look on their faces.

        • Don Mitchell says:

          And they whistle. And in Peru, they get eaten. By people.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Leading to that well-known Peruvian lament:

          ‘I need to get more cardio. I’ve been Guinea pigging out.’

        • Don Mitchell says:

          No one said “they taste like chicken,” so I will. It’s important to say that, so that people can nod wisely, and say, “Oh, I see. Well, then. No need to experiment.”

          Simon, I was in the field mowing the path to the creek today and feeling sorry that we won’t be skinny-dipping in it. It’s looking pretty good, and the Buffalo waller won’t be a problem.

          As for the firearms, I went to the gun dealer up on Rte 240 and picked up a nice .50 caliber Sharps buffalo gun. I would have let you shoot it at anything in the waller that wasn’t a neighbor.

          Are you coming anywhere near A Non? He’s the shooting star, you know.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Oh.
          Oh. That makes me sad. I want to go skinny dipping and shooting with Don.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          I will be taking them shooting, though a .50 Sharps?!? Dang, Don, now I want to come visit! Front-stuffer or cartridge (.50-110)? Gonna cast your own?

          More comments to come but I’m about to get the kids down….

        • Don Mitchell says:

          Yeah, it’s sad. But there’s always Newtown Creek, when you’re in the NYC area.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Fuh… fifty cal…?

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          And the creek behind the house is a trickle. If we tried to skinny-dip here – well, first my wife would beat my ass, and then the neighbors would call the cops because we’d essentially be standing around naked with cold, wet ankles.

        • Don Mitchell says:

          Nah. I’m running it as a Virtual Sharps.

          I figured there must be a lot of them around, because the Town of Colden sent a flyer to the house today, saying that it was illegal to dispose of Sharps in regular garbage bags.

        • Don Mitchell says:

          And with shrinkage. Don’t forget the shrinkage.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Sharps?? aren’t they like.. needles or something??

        • Don Mitchell says:

          I think you’re having an attack of the literals, Zara.

        • Zara Potts says:

          I so have to sort out my gun slinging lingo before I get Stateside…

        • Don Mitchell says:

          I can’t remember what WWII novel I read this in, as a boy, but it’s stuck with me — evidently it was taught to recruits, who tended to call all firearms “guns.”

          This is my rifle [ points to military rifle]
          This is my gun [ points to crotch]
          This is for fighting [ points…]
          This is for fun [ points…]

          A Non could be mighty particular about what you call his, you know, armaments.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          @Don: Heh. The only thing I’m particular about regarding nomenclature is “clip” versus “magazine”. I think it’s silly to name your tools. Any of them ;). Seriously, though, is it in firing condition? You’ve got me jonesing for details, especially given that I’m on a self-imposed acquisition freeze and all my long guns are of the practical variety.

          @Zara: Based on your phonetic posting of a Kiwi accent, I think it’s safe to say you’ll get a walk on the lingo. I wouldn’t understand you well enough to know if you were getting it wrong.

          @Simon: You know, it’s just a measurement of how wide the projectile is. And let me know further in advance if you do this again next year. There are two annual shoots out on the flats – all full-auto, plenty of .50 Brownings, all privately owned, all owners usually willing to let you rip a few off. Granted, ammo for them costs about $5 a round but, hey, it’s fun to turn boulders into sand 😀 and we might be able to swing a side trip for you….

        • Simon Smithson says:

          No one want shrinkage. You get too many misfires that way.

          And people laugh at your armaments.

          Re: the .50 cal: alls I know is I’ve been impressed by what I’ve seen of .50 cal footage on various TV shows and movies. Although I’m not 100% sure how I could hold one sideways….

        • Don Mitchell says:

          Sorry, A Non. No actual Sharps here. I was seduced by thinking about my creek, and buffalos and the actual Town note about the sharps. You know, free association, too many energy drinks, that sort of thing. TNB does that to me.

  34. AXS says:

    Awww, I think maybe I fucked up. Do I have a shot at next year’s?

    AXS

  35. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    Simon, if you are this funny in person California is going to kidnap you on Go-Ahead-And-Be-An-Aussie-Napping-Asshole Day!!! We will then find you a local job being hilarious.

    Also, if I choose option c) does that mean I have to give the massage? Because I’m all for giving massages, just not at Richard Gere’s house. That seems like a decadent place. I’d like to get my massage on from the other side of the table. Unless there is a Pretty Woman scenario in it for me, in which case, could we get someone else to play Richard Gere? He doesn’t really do it for me, though cheese and conversation do sound nice. I mean, he IS a charmer.

    This is made of good stuff, Simon, as always.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Oh, my God, I wish California would kidnap me and keep me in a basement forever. You don’t even know.

      Nope. Today, you get to be massaged. After all, what kind of asshole would make you massage again on such a day?

      I think Richard Gere would make a really good dinner guest. AND he’d probably help with the washing up. He just seems like that kinda guy.

      Thanks, Lisa. I’m glad you liked it.

  36. Dana says:

    I love your concept Simon and I have already marked my calendar. And thanks for the Tom Six bit (HOLY SHIT! How did I miss that?). But seriously, Richard Gere? I’m dying to know what makes you think Richard Gere would make a good dinner companion.

    He seems like the poster boy for asshole to me. 🙂

    P.S. The punning in the comments here was a RIOT to read through.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Re: the punnery, Oman, you ain’t kiddin’. 🙂

      • Simon Smithson says:

        Hooray! Dana’s in the club!

        Well… he’s so charming. And he would appear to be so well-mannered. But not in a naive, stilted sorta way. More like he’s sized the world up and said ‘You know, the world is a tough place. But that’s no excuse to not be a gentleman.’

        In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think that’s what Richard Gere says to himself every morning when he gets out of bed.

  37. I sent “The Human Centipede” to a friend as, like, some sort of visual cross-country assault slash joke. He fucking LIKED it. I am so very frightened now. The trailer alone makes me want to burn my face off.

    As for the steady and strong resurgence of blatant Assholery, I must say, that although I’ve always appreciated the power of hurling the word “asshole” at…an asshole, I still have my fingers crossed that “chode” will make a hearty comeback.

    • Dana says:

      heh. Chode. Nice.

      AssFACE is my preferred invective. But since I stole it from Christopher Guest I don’t feel good about it.

      • Simon Smithson says:

        Human Centipede… I’ll give Tom Six this. He’s raised the bar for body horror. Jesus. There’s something about it that’s just… squirmy.

        Chode! Oh my God! I haven’t heard that since high school! There’s something so fitting about dropping the perfect insult at the perfect time.

        My own personal favourite curse, as I referenced somewhere else on the site the other day: ‘Motherless fuck.’

      • Don Mitchell says:

        The first time I heard somebody called a chode I was mystified. This was 6 or 8 years ago. I don’t hear it used very often, which is probably why you’re talking about “comeback.”

  38. reno the asshole says:

    simon-

    OH, SHIT! TOO HILARIOUS! where do i start? i hope you’re happy: i’m in the damn library where a certain etiquette is expected – no loud talking, no stinky kids (or adults) picking their asses or farting, no cell phones ringing, no food being shoved down some bastard’s throat, etc, and here i am busting up like, like, like, an asshole! you happy, bro? are you? damn, simon…

    saint erasmus! what a prick! and WHAT an asshole. my day is fullfilled. so is my life. i’m going to the bar…heh.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Heh. Always happy to hear from you, amigo.

      You complete asshole. Ruining the library experiences of others…

      Also: goddamn! Nine days!

  39. sheree says:

    Simon,
    You might get a kick out of a post on the site: Pisces Iscariot, called: View From The Treetops.

  40. Mary McMyne says:

    This is brilliant. I’m all for, Hey! Don’t be an Asshole Every Day. But you know, based on this list, all I’ve got to give up is name calling. And I think it would be PRETTY easy for me to just up and say asshole instead of whatever word I was going to say.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Wow. You must be vibrating at a high frequency. Good to know. If we’re recruiting new patron saints for Don’t be an Asshole Every Day Day, then can we count on you?

      • Mary McMyne says:

        Absolutely. Your rules are easy!

        – #s 2, 3, 6, and 7 (don’t invade, don’t human centipede, don’t spill oil, and don’t act like bernie madoff) are gimmes, since I’m not a power-hungry nation-state or horror filmmaker, and I work in education as opposed to in the oil fields or on Wall Street.
        – #1 (no driving like an asshole) is no longer necessary, now that I live in South Louisiana, instead of New York City.
        – # 4 (just say no to adultery) is a no-brainer, since I’m (a) pregnant, and (b) on my second marriage, which I *really* want to work. (Please don’t ask about my first marriage. Let’s just say these rules woulda been harder for me back then.)
        – # 8 (don’t be an asshole because Some Book said so) is similarly easy, since, well, I don’t read Those Things.

        This leaves #5, don’t call people names. And you can still say asshole? EASY! Soon, I’ll probably try to quit cussing almost altogether (what with the baby). So you see…

        • Simon Smithson says:

          I thought you were a power-hungry nation-state? You and Ronlyn.

          Huh.

          Well. This changes everything.

  41. Ronlyn Domingue says:

    Thanks for the friendly reminders.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Any time. Now stop invading people! Every day, I hear a new news story: ‘Tierra del Fuego was invaded by Ronlyn Domnigue early this morning…’

      • Ronlyn Domingue says:

        The stories don’t tell you everything. The ultimate goal is to transform all of the assholes in those places through compassion. Oh, the paradox, the duality!

        Mary and I are, in fact, a formidable duo. We wreaked havoc in grad school.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh, the paradox indeed!

          But yes. I think compassion is where it’s at. Like a river eroding its banks.

          You guys went to grad school together? Will we meet Mary in Baton Rouge?

  42. Jordan Ancel says:

    Simon, this is brilliant! This is the best idea I’ve heard all year, and I wish it would be a world holiday! But how sad is it that you’re just asking for one day? That there is a need on this planet to beg for one day of non-assholeness.

    Being a first-rate asshole, I thoroughly welcome the much-needed time off.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      I’ll work on publicity. Some day… some day it’ll be on the calendar.

      Well, you know. Baby steps. I don’t have the following Gandhi did. I’ll just have to make do with what I can.

      And yeah. It is sad. But people are people!

  43. Judy Prince says:

    Yo, Simon—–it’ll take me until tomorrow nite to wade thru the 256 comments to answer your answer to my answers. So I’ll just plant my comments here.

    Explaining “Supernaturals” via the X-Files is no help since I don’t know what that is either. Are these television programs, in which case I haven’t watched tv programs in 30 years.

    Re your being reminded of past arseholey behaviours when you read other people’s comments, I thank you for your response. I’m always curious as to what things in a writing can transport readers back to their own experiences. Are the recollections more likely to come from reading about someone else’s similar experiences? Or are they as likely to come from a few questions or even abstract remarks about a subject?

    I do know, like what Jordan said, that reading TNB posts and comments on them have deepened my understandings of myself, my past, and my very present situations. It has been a splendid help, a special treasure.

    YAY Simon! YAY TNBers! Thank you!

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Basically, it’s wish-fulfilment TV. No job, no ties, just riding around, having adventures, doing good.

      And then it got progressively darker and darker. But it can also be a lot of fun to watch. It’s a real turn on, tune in, drop out kinda deal.

      You’re very welcome.

      I think the more open you are to connecting what people are saying (on TNB, in the comments, in life in general) back to your own experiences, the better off you’ll be. It helps us to reconsider our past – and our present, and future – in different lights – which has certainly been valuable for me.

      At the same time, you don’t want to make it all about you. You lose variety and richness of experience that way. The problem with being self-centred is that the self can’t possibly get out and about as much as a hundred other contributors and commenters 🙂

      I think the recollections come from a mixed bag of places. That’s been my experience, anyhow.

      Hooray for TNB.

      • Judy Prince says:

        All of what you say makes excellent sense, as always, you Leader Dude!

        Rock on, or rather sabre on. We need you just like we need that damned Matthew. Oh, and mebbe Becky, too. And Irene and Anon and oh crap let’s imagine Greg directing us in singing Kumbiyah around a stoopid campfire with our sticks of ‘Smores gooshing from melting crackling marshmallows and chocolate…..oh hell, Simon, do I ever need a laffffffff!!!!!!!! I’ll go back and read your post.

        yeah.

        nice stuff.

        rock n rollin’.

        better than butter.

        dude.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Better than butter?

          Not a saying I’ve heard before.

          Consider it appropriated!

        • Judy Prince says:

          Be my guest, Simon; I thought I’d stolen it from someone but couldn’t credit the person. I regularly steal from you, esp that goofy “Scylla and Charybdis of footwear sexuality”—-and your naming Slade’s mansion “Hamelot”!!!!! Love it!

          Dude. Leader. Leader Dude.

          WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ZARA THAT HER NEW HAIRSTYLE’S AWESOMELY BEAUTIFUL? (am I subtle, or what?)

  44. Simone says:

    Simon, this reminds me of a quote in one of your previous posts: “There’s no need to be a dick about it!”

    I love that line, and use it whenever I can.

    I shall now embrace it when June 2nd rolls around. Although instead of “dick” I’ll substitute it with “Asshole”. As per the rules, of course.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Words to live by, Simone.

      Oh, and of course, as per the rules. After all, without rules… we’re back to living with the animals.

      • Simone says:

        My point exactly.

        Besides who has time for animalistic tendencies anyway? Pffft…!

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Actually, just this morning I was thinking that taking inspiration from nature is probably helpful.

          Back to the drawing board…

  45. Joe Daly says:

    Don’t ever post something this great again while I’m on vacation, ok? I can’t believe I’m just getting to this now!

    Well said, son. I think half the battle is getting people to give themselves permission to not be an asshole for a day. Don’t worry what people will think if you’re nice! It’s not a weakness to let someone get in line ahead of you at the supermarket! You don’t really need to rub dogshit under the car door handle of the guy blocking your driveway!

    If St. Erasmus were here, there’s no doubt he’d take you out for a great big ice cream sundae and a hug.

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- you’re a smackdown pimp of the highest, asshole-free order!

    • Simon Smithson says:

      My bad, Joe. You better believe I won’t be pulling that shit on June 2.

      Jesus. I hope they don’t mistake our niceness for weakness.

      Heh. Have I told you about the masturbating homeless man note?

      And amigo, it takes a P.I.M.P to know a P.I.M.P.

    • Judy Prince says:

      Gee, thanks, Joe, for that idea about rubbing dogshit under the car door handle of the guy blocking your driveway. Keying the side of the car thing was getting pretty old. OTOH, vaseline on the door handles and windshield can bring a big smile to your face, CTTOI [ie, come to think of it].

      Will I ever get a chance to read your new post before it gets shoved off the newbie list by a nother one? And it’s about Scotland, too, I think!

      Just wondering if “dogshit” is truly a compound noun, and if it should be hyphenated or written as adjective and noun. Important for us TNBers who aim to be award-winning wotsits.

  46. Erika Rae says:

    HAHAHA – Simon, you’re brilliant. Judging by the number of comments you’ve received on this post already, you’ve heard this already. (NO I’m not going to wade through them all right now!) And Saint Erasmus, to top it all off. Beautiful. I want to see Hallmark’s line on this one.

    Or you could contact TNBer David Ellis Dickerson for a cool line of cards…Maybe he’ll join in and help you make this holiday take off.

    I did also want to ask if you’ve heard of TNBer Chris Illuminati’s book: Assholeology. I’m thinking you two should talk.

    Loved this! Can’t wait to do Sillum Tau in the forest with the bears!

  47. Gregory Messina says:

    Simon,
    This is a great choice of dates for your holiday.
    To comment on the serious side of your post, you’re right that we are all assholes as some point. I like to think I’m a very nice person, but I know that sometimes I am asshole to certain people. There’s no denying it.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Thanks, Greg.

      And might I add, that Gravatar of yours is awesome.

      Yeah.

      I can be an asshole too.

      I wish I couldn’t.

      Wait.

      Do I?

  48. […] massive assholes who shit on everybody’s good time. Who put us down and make us feel stupid and small, […]

  49. Hugh Thomas Patterson says:

    OK Simon, I’ll give it 24 hours but have the feeling that I’ll explode into a mass of pulpy, unspent negative verbal gratuities and potentially tasteless thoughts that should have been expelled during my daily interaction with the rest of the world. In short, I find it very difficult not to be an asshole. However, I will try, oh how I will try. Great piece of writing by the way. You make want to be a better writer, or was that better man. No, my wife makes me want to be a better man and you make me want to be a better writer. I think I need to go pay homage to St. Erasmus…

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Wow! High praise indeed. Thanks, Hugh!

      If you think you’re going to explode, make sure you do it in a way that makes little mess.

      No need to be an asshole about it.

  50. Tom Hansen says:

    In an attempt to adhere to the spirit of this piece….I will keep my trap shut

  51. Nancy says:

    This is the second article of yours I have had to share with my friends on my fb account. The other one was “I Thought there would be Margaritas”.

    Thank you for making me laugh with material that at times is off the cuff, yet very truthful.

    • Simon Smithson says:

      Hey, thanks Nancy! Always nice to know something’s rung true enough to be passed on.

      I’m always terrified of going for laughs. There’s nothing like a joke that’s fallen flat on its face to take the wind out of your sails…

      • Nancy says:

        Most definitely. I think it’s quite obvious from the ridiculous amount of comments that you have received that you just may be on the “right track”.

        I have seen a few of my friends share your articles on their page after reading it on mine, as well.

        I look forward to your next one.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Heh.

          Thanks, Nancy (again!)

          Nice to know it’s doing well. For the next month or so I’ll be writing about Zara and I traveling around the States through The Feed. Can’t wait!

  52. […] Unabashedly not an asshole. […]

  53. Elizabeth says:

    Simon,
    This is absolutely hilarious!!! And you deserve kudos for demonstrating the kind of courage it takes to call Erasmus an asshole. I can only pray that in a future piece you’ll take down that douchecanoe Kant.

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