September 09, 2010
Dear National Aeronautics and Space Administration,
I hope you are all keeping well. If there’s a guy named Todd working there, please tell Todd I say ‘Hey’. Feel free to throw ‘Toddster’ in on the end of that. So it would then become ‘Simon says hey, Toddster.’ I hope he had a good weekend, doing whatever it is the T-Man does on his spare time.
But enough about Toddsterino. Some pretty unpleasant rumours have come to my ears, eyes, and most of my face, and I gotta say… I think we have a problem on our hands. It’s probably nothing a guy like Tes-Todd-sterine can’t handle, but I don’t want to go acting entitled to any of T-Boat’s time, so I’m just going to bring it up with the rest of you.
First of all… I, of all people, have no issue with the concept of you guys sending a one billion dollar probe to the Sun.
Because in my opinion, you guys (especially the T.O.Double-D) are great. I’ve respected and admired you ever since first watching I Dream of Jeannie, and I liked you even better once I read a blog by a NASA employee specifically detailing just how significantly her sexual horizons expand once she’s had a couple of drinks.
And the Sun? I also enjoy the Sun! Apart from that whole skin cancer business. But when it comes to light, heat, sustaining plant growth, keeping vampires from messing up my whole operation… hell of a thing, that Sun.
I feel one pertinent fact could have escaped your attention. And that fact is this:
The Sun isn’t going anywhere.
Seriously, if Galileo could work this out without a computer, what’s your excuse?
The Sun has been around for a fair old while now. And my guess is it’s going to be around for a fair while longer. So I don’t think there’s any real urgency in sending a probe out to investigate, in the words of project engineer Lika Guhathakurta, how the sun smells.
Seriously, you’re spending a billion dollars on this?
Fuck you guys. You and the Double-D-T-Cup.
And here’s why:
1. YOU COULD BE SPENDING THAT MONEY ON FIGHTING FIRES IN COLORADO.
3000 people have been evacuated so far. And fires are still raging out of control. This is a hot thing that is more urgent to deal with than the Sun, whose flames have so far damaged… nothing.
2. YOU COULD BE SPENDING THAT MONEY ON GETTING MICHAEL CERA SOME ACTING LESSONS.
I thought Michael Cera was fantastic in his role as George-Michael Bluth in Arrested Development. I also enjoyed his performance as George-Michael Bluth in SuperBad, Juno, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Year One, and every other film that calls for an awkwardly ineffective indie kid a little too self-aware to be a hipster who ends up making it with the girl while acoustic guitar plays.
What I’m trying to say is, goddamn it, I wanted to go to see Scott Pilgrim, and now… now I can’t.
3. YOU COULD BE SPENDING THAT MONEY ON ANY ONE OF A NUMBER OF SOCIAL WELFARE PROGRAMS, AND, SERIOUSLY, HOW THE FUCKING SUN SMELLS? YOU GUYS ARE ASSHOLES, MAN.
4. YOU COULD BE GIVING THAT MONEY TO US.
Do you know how sweet this site would be with a billion dollars up its sleeve? I’m not saying TNB isn’t at a high level of sweetness already – somewhere between glucose and sucrose – but still. One billion dollars is a whole bunch of clams. And so we could probably publish a lot of really great books, and that would make children read, and then they’d grow up to be scientists, and they’d make MORE than a billion dollars to put back into NASA, even allowing for inflation.
5. YOU COULD BE GIVING THAT MONEY TO ME.
Believe me, you would not believe the blueprints I’ve drawn up for what I’ll do once I’m very rich man. Well, TDD-Drop-The-O-Yo! probably would. The very first thing would be have a very big party and invite a certain NASA employee who used to maintain a very interesting blog, but after that… man. I have some final frontiers in mind that will blow your minds.
If you could choose any of these options, I think I’d like it best if you chose Option #5. In the meantime…
Seriously, the Sun?