Beer’s off the table. I mean, it never even entered my mind. Every single-speed enthusiast worth his weight in flannel has started at least four kitchen microbreweries. So that’s out. Same with meats. If I see one more menu advertising “flavor-conscious charcuterie,” I’m going to stop eating porchetta altogether. Okay, not really, but I’m definitely going to be really put off and order free range chicken instead sometimes. French fries are out. Chewing gum too. Shirt making (for humans, pets, and dolls). Sweater knitting (for doll-like humans who also happen to be pets). Soap barring. Beading of every type. Pencil sharpening. Beekeeping. Shoelace ironing. Shoelace wrinkling. Pencil un-sharpening. Jaw surgery. It’s all been done. And it’s not like I haven’t considered the full gamut of options, because I have.