Some people say they live in the moment.
They’re full of shit.

As soon as you say you’re living in the moment,
You’re out of the moment.

It’s impossible to say you’re in the moment
And be in the moment in the same moment.

You know who lives in the moment?
Birds.
They sing when they feel like it.
They fly when they want.
They shit when they need to.
They don’t hold anything in.
The world is their toilet.

Horses live in the moment.
They shit whenever they want.
In the middle of a parade,
While people are looking,
Other horses are looking,
Maybe even horses they might wanna fuck are watching.
They don’t care 
They don’t even know someone’s been hired
To clean up their shit.
The world is their toilet.
They’re living in the moment.

But when a person needs to shit
The first thing they do is start thinking.
“Oh shit! I gotta shit.”
As soon as you’re thinking about shitting
And not shitting,
You’re out of the moment.
You’re up shits creek.
No shit.

The next thought is, “Where can I shit?
Now you’re worried about finding a toilet.
Not just any toilet but a clean one. 
Which takes you more out of the moment.

No one lives in the moment.
Not even Eckhart Tolle.
The guy who wrote The Power of Now.
He’s full of shit.
He doesn’t live in the moment.
He holds in his shit.

People who have a lot of money
Can create the illusion they live in the moment
Because they have greater access to toilets.

If you wanna live in the moment, wear diapers.

Well, nice to finally meet you.

Nice meeting you too. I’ve heard a lot about you.


Wait a minute! Who’s doing the interview?

I thought I was?


No. I am. I went first. Who ever goes first asks the questions.

O.K. I’ll be the star, you be the reporter schlemiel.


O.K.

Ask away.


What’s one of your favorite activities?

Talking to myself.


What do you discuss?

Evolution, abortion, hate, war, homosexuality, dolphins, whales singing, space vs time, love, addiction, divorce, farts, negative thinking, cash, credit, colonoscopies, colonics, anal sex, marriage, religion, exercise, masturbation, the Dalai Lama, pornography, Mormons, Jews, Muslims, sugar, stevia, aspartame, Einstein, Karl Marx the gigolo communist, art, music, cave paintings (what exactly did they use for pigment?) the price of gas, government, famous people, phones, Castro, Cuba, atheism, God, pussy, pricks, assisted living facilities, global warming, yoga, eating disorders, going to the dentist, Zen Judaism, living in the moment and not necessarily in that order.


Have you come to any conclusions?

Evolution is slower than I thought.


Anything else?

Most people think they’re not good enough.


And?

I will probably not live to see world peace.

If there was one thing you could change what would it be?

The definition of life.

How do you define “Life?”

Lungs have nothing to do with it. The whole breathing on your own thing is overrated.
A better definition of life is, whatever contributes to the life of something else is itself alive.

So what’s alive?

Dirt.

How so?

No dirt, no life.

How would that definition change things?

Knowing my life is dependent upon dirt makes me not want to hurt dirt.

Sounds like a great t-shirt, “Dirt Lives”

Reminds me of “Bird Lives.”

What’s your favorite quote?

Aristotle – “That which does not add, detracts.”

Amen.

You didn’t need to say that.