My father turned on the speakerphone, then dialed the number. His long, recently dyed hair shone black against the sunlight streaming through our Los Angeles apartment windows.
I glanced at my stepmother, Natali. She winked, a pair of golden teeth gleaming at me. She loved meddling, gossiping, trouble of any kind. So did her teeth.
Lyda–a retired hair dresser from across the hall–stood behind my father, arms crossed at the elbows, lips moving in worried waves.
I couldn’t believe they were actually doing this. But they would not listen to reason, so I hoped nobody was home. And then it came, the answer on the other end of the line. “Hello?”
Natali jumped in her seat. Lyda looked like a ripe tomato at a food festival, happy and terrified at the same time.
“Bless me, Boris,” my father said, motioning for us to stay quiet.
A pause. Then, “Who the hell is this?” Boris sounded like an unhinged cemetery gate.
“I am a man in love, Boris.”
Another pause. This one longer, testosteronier. “And I don’t give a damn, asshole.”
Well, this Boris was not an overly polite fella’, but I still felt sorry for him. He had no idea what was coming. He should never have answered that phone.
You might wonder to yourself why, why would a sixty year old man (dad), crank call an eighty five year old man (Boris)? Well, as I enlighten you, keep in mind that love, as is obvious from many Hollywood blockbusters, knows no common sense.
It all started with Lyda the hairdresser, who at seventy, had discovered a renewed zeal for coquetry. The first time Lyda saw Boris, she knew he was the man for her. They flirted shamelessly for the next three months, and soon their friendship grew into something which the American Idol contestants try to sing about every week at eight sharp.
Lyda and Boris became inseparable. But no matter how Lyda tried, she failed to move the relationship to the next level-marriage. Boris, the rascal that he was, preferred long matches of backgammon with his many friends, to the doldrums of matrimonial existence.
The couple began to quarrel until one day Boris packed up and left.
Lyda shared the sad news with my father and stepmother who quickly devised a plan to teach Boris a lesson.
So here we are. The phone call.
“Who is this?” Boris demanded.
“I need your help,” dad said. “My woman won’t marry me without your blessing.”
“Oh, really? Who’s this crazy broad?”
“Her name is Lyda and she’s my sunshine.”
This pause was indignant with a forecast of outrage in the near future.
My father gave Lyda an all knowing smile along with a nod of a man who was winning. “Please brother. Bless me. I love her and I want to make her mine–”
“You son of a bitch. Lyda’s my woman, mine, and I won’t let some Casanova schmuck like you, take her away from me.”
Lyda blushed. One wrinkled hand flew to her chest. Her eyes watered.
“Boris, all I want is a blessing,” dad said, motioning for my stepmother to cease her giggling.
“Well, you’re not getting it so shove off,” Boris shouted. “My Lyda is a flower that only I can pick, you got me? You touch her and I’ll feed your entrails to my dog.”
I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. A flower? Really? I gave Lyda a once over. Standing there in her half rolled up stockings, a floral Mumu, and lipstick red enough to stop traffic, she reminded me of my grandmother minus the stage makeup. I began to doubt Boris’ sanity and his eyesight.
But as the man fought for his flower with ardency of a Shakespearean Romeo, I forgot about his age and hers. My amusement slipped behind something that surprised me very much. Wonderment, and a tiny drop of envy. Despite the crusty exterior, Boris turned out to be a helpless romantic, a knight defending his princess, Rhett battling for his Scarlett. I was nineteen and absurdly sentimental. To me true love was a religion. But I had never expected to see it demonstrated so feverishly between two people who, I had thought to my greatest shame, were too old to feel passion of any kind. So I stopped assuming, I listened, and I learned.
The conversation ended with Boris hanging up. My father was unperturbed by the other man’s hostility. In fact, he welcomed it as a good sign. “Don’t worry,” he said to Lyda. “It turned out better than I had expected.”
Are you sure?” Her face lit up around the edges.
“Like the sun in the sky.”
The next day Boris came back, a bouquet of daises in one hand and a ring in the other.They were married inside a week, and they are still together.
Bless me Boris!