This is all Brad Listi’s fault. He had to go and talk about the weather, didn’t he?

I was sitting in my car yesterday, watching as, in the space of about five minutes, the sky turned black. Soon after, something hit the roof with a high-velocity ‘clunk!’

What the fu- I thought, and suddenly hail started to cascade down around me. I had five minutes to go before a pickup, so all I could really do was sit there and watch as the skies opened and hope none of the hail would shatter the windows of the car.

When the call to come and collect came, I had to shout to be heard over the sound of the ice cascading down from the sky.

The next couple of days have been a document of the crazy weather descending on Melbourne this weekend. Houses, train stations, cinemas… all of them have had holes punched through their roofs by the force of the frozen water that the sky threw down at us over the weekend. Reports have come in about hailstones the size of tennis balls, flash floods that swept through the streets of the CBD, trees swept over roads.

Mother Nature appears to be mightily pissed off. Lightning and thunder are still rolling in the distance, and, thanks to Irene Zion and her musings on the same subject, I’m wondering if this is a sign.

The newspaper and the TV weather lady both say that it is supposed to get to thirty degrees tonight here in Miami Beach. It’s raining. Yes, if the news is correct, it may snow in Miami Beach.

Our house was built in 1950. They didn’t feel a need to put in heat in houses back then. For the past few days the temperature in our house has been hovering around fifty-five degrees, INSIDE our house. If it gets to below freezing, I have no idea how cold it will be in here.

We are wearing long underwear, long pants, socks, shearling slippers, a short-sleeved shirt, a long-sleeved shirt, another long-sleeved shirt, a fleece sweatshirt, gloves and a hat, in bed.

The water has not turned to blood yet, however, my pee is day-glow orange, which I had earlier attributed to a urinary tract infection.

We did get a frog in our house a few days ago, but we were able to scoot it outside again with a 5 x 6 card. So far there have been no frogs in our bedchamber, our bed or, God forbid, in our oven. We don’t have a kneading trough.

We have not yet discovered lice, although our heads do feel decidedly itchy. We do have quite a few cockroaches coming inside trying to get warmer.

There are no regular houseflies in the house, although there are fruit flies in the kitchen, due to the cantaloupes that are sitting on the windowsill.

There has been grievous murrain visited upon our fish, as some of you may know if you were recipients of my missive.

Thankfully no boils breaking forth with blains have visited us, or our animals, although the lady who cleans our house has a husband who had a colonoscopy yesterday during which the doctors found numerous polyps.

It is raining like the dickens outside, but so far it is still water and not snow nor hail as yet.

Although we have seen no locusts, the cold itself has already killed all of our flowering ginger, our lipstick palms and our countless orchids. We won’t know until morning what tropical plants, fruits and trees have survived. Therefore, the result is indistinguishable from a visit by a swarm of locusts.

As I write this, it is very dark.

Do any of you blame me for being agitated about the health of Sara, my firstborn? (Or Lonny, if God was only speaking of boys, which he tended to do back in the day?)

I do not think I will be able to sleep tonight. No. I do not think I will.