I swat at a mosquito flying near my ear and feel it hit my palm. It flies off toward the window and joins the black throng of mosquitoes there. The window is nearly a third covered with a vibrating mass of hungry little bloodsuckers. Far more mosquitoes than I’ve ever seen in one place, breeding in standing puddles of brown water outside the building. It smells like a burst sewage drain, and every so often there’s a gurgling noise and bubbles surface through the thick grass. Texas is still hot in September and it might reach a hundred today. The heat serves this vile stink to us on a dripping tray of humid air.

Almost everyone has her shirt pulled up over her nose.

This is where we inmates line up to eat.

“Hey Roommate! You gonna eat your wings?” Peaches shouts past the women between us in line, her face surfacing from the folds of her shirt only long enough to get my attention.

Wings. The main course of today’s menu. Through a process called “Bastard Brokering,” large institutions, like this prison, are able to purchase lesser quality food for a cheap price. Apparently, if a factory turns out a load of chicken wings, seasoned and packaged, for say, TGI Fridays, and for whatever reason they’re rejected, they hit the bastard market. A glut of something on the market means cheap prices for the government, means wings are for lunch today.

“No,” I say to Peaches, “I want eggs so I can’t get them for you.”

Everyone knows you can’t have two proteins. But they ask anyway. You know, The Hunger. It trumps reason.

Sara, who’s my life raft, my best friend here, stays close as the line edges toward the door, closer to the window where through the mosquitoes we can see women at tables that have already gotten their trays.

“What’s in the bowl?” I ask Sara. “Can you tell?”

“Looks like cous cous,” Sara says. We do this wishful thinking joke.

“Yeah, probably has roasted garlic and fresh herbs,” I say and we laugh as the slow moving line continues its snake towards the steam tables.

In front of us, a group starts loudly comparing shoe sizes.

“I got the smallest feet,” says Renee, a very young Mexican woman, can’t be much older than eighteen, her long dark hair a mass of curling iron ringlets, her eyebrows tweezed bare and replaced with a thin lines.

“Yeah, that’s why you my lil shawty,” says JoJo, the tall black woman next to her. JoJo has been down for more than ten years and is infamous on compound. She makes a nonchalant effort to press her body close to Renee without drawing officer attention, though the closest C.O., Officer Partyhair, loves JoJo and is known for being right in the middle of inmate drama.

Partyhair is an albino black woman with just a few strands of this light-reddish hair that she combs straight up and shellacs to her head, on the very crown she pins a large fake hair-bun thing. All loopy like one of those stick-on gift bows.

“I got some big feet,” says JoJo, lifting her chin kind of up and sideways while she winks. “An d’you know what that means, Mami.”

Renee blushes, looks down at Jo-Jo’s feet, and nods as if she agrees that Jo-Jo might actually be packing.

“What was it like in the unit when that whole thing went down with Jo-Jo and Sylvia?” Sara whispers, referring to the recent fight between Jo-Jo and her ex longtime girlfriend. Apparently Sylvia found out about Renee and she sneaked into Jo-Jo’s room and shredded the afghan she’d crocheted for Jo-Jo. It was black with a huge playboy logo. This is a big deal. Crocheting a blanket for someone is serious.

Actually, crocheting is kinda serious.

Everyone does it. Probably because it’s an effective consumer of hours. I make bookmarks. Tediously crafted with a tiny hook and thread, each one takes exactly a half hour. I timed it. I need to know exactly how much time each one represents. They are tangible increments of this experience. I was sentenced to seventeen thousand, five hundred and twenty crocheted bookmarks.

“There were pieces of yarn everywhere,” I tell Sara, “It was fucking crazy, she threw it down from the second floor into the common area. Jo-Jo had to clean it all up and I think they put Sylvia in seg.”

Lesbian drama is about as interesting as it gets around here. I mean, as far as cliché prison experience goes. This is a camp. The lowest security style of the Federal Institutions. Not much fighting here, no shanks, no riots. The only way to get your ass kicked is to mess with somebody’s girlfriend.

Nothing gets a women riled up like love.

***

I see there are are fresh tomatoes on the cold table and make my way over while Sara is contemplating peanut butter. I am thrilled to find fresh food and start to pile them high next to my two white eggs when the unmistakable accent of Lieutenant Quejano shouting behind me halts my tomato piling.

“HEY, INMATE! YOU TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT THERE! SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

I freeze and become conscious of only the fold of my shirt between my waistband and the skin of my waist. Only once I determine beyond doubt that my shirt is intact do I dare to turn, ever so slowly, as if I am not really looking towards the vocal tirade but maybe just checking the soup over here. I don’t want any soup, but I can now see who’s scrambling to tuck her shirt in. One handed. Tray in the other. It’s Facelift.

Facelift came from New Orleans, but hasn’t said why she’s here. I suspect she is in her mid fifties, although she might have another decade in mind. Her hair is unnaturally dark, and her face is pulled so tight towards the tiny scars above her ears that her eyes have permanently narrowed, her cheekbones stick out and her lips are just two thin straight lines that strain to open when she talks. Today they are painted red. I’ve only had a couple of short conversations with her, but she managed to bring up her lack of having a facelift both times.

“My family has really great genes. Good hair, good skin, no wrinkles…” and once, even less subtly, “I’ll bet you think you’re older than me.”

I didn’t.

Strange, the things we try so hard to hide become the most glaring, the most obvious things about us.

I attempt to return to my tomatoes, but am again interrupted.

“ARE YOU EYEBALLING MY PACKAGE, INMATE? WHY ARE YOU EYEBALLING MY PACKAGE?” Quejano shouts at another woman, a woman called Princess, who turns pink then a traumatic shade of red.

She’s short, probably five foot three, but she still has several inches on the extremely diminutive Quejano. Looking at his “package” would be both a physical and emotional stretch for any of us.

“ A cockroach…” she starts.

“WHAT?? ARE YOU CALLING ME COCKROACH?”

“No, sir. A cockroach. I saw a cockroach behind you, sir.”

“YOU DIDN’T SEE NOTHING THERE. THERE ARE NO COCKROACHES HERE. YOU GO!” His straight arm raises and his miniature hand shoos her toward the door she was only trying to get out of anyway.

Even after a year here, it’s a struggle for my brain to process this shit, I still try to make it make sense, complete the picture with logic, like those emails you can read even though there aren’t any vowels in the words. But it doesn’t work here. There is way more missing than just vowel sounds.

I realize now that I’m foolishly standing, mouth agape, looking right in Quejano’s direction. I’m no longer even trying to look at the soup having been so completely aghast at the fact that he actually just saideyeballing my package.

Just as he’s a second away from eyeballing me, I whip my body around as if I had been in motion this whole time and turn my head to find Sara, who is sitting and waving like mad for me to join her at the table.

“What the hell was that all about?” she comments more than questions. “That guy is fucking insane.”

“I know, right? It would be weird to run into him on the Outside.”

“He probably lives alone in some tiny basement apartment, never throws away his newspapers and puts together model warplanes when he’s off.”

“Yeah, I bet he looks at clown porn,” I add. “And jerks off in his uniform.”

“Oh yeah, definitely that,” Sara says, “he definitely does that…and we’re beside ourselves laughing as four women slide into the table next to us and hold up their hands, palms out to pray.

“Oh, Lord Jesus, Master Lord Jesus,” one begins.

Sara and I look at each other with artificially straightened up faces that threaten to crack up into total hysterics. The newly saved like to pray loud, like to be seen praying. It’s the other side of the social spectrum here, the opposite of the dating scene. But not so different, there’s still the latching on, the need for completion.

“We thank you oh, Lord Jesus, Master Jesus, for this bounty…” she continues at top volume. The others nod their heads and emit moans of concilliation.

Here’s how Sara and I give thanks: By laughing instead of crying and by pretending that we are eating Al Fresco in SoHo instead of here in this revolting cafeteria.

Sara acts like she is going to flag down Partyhair to bring us a couple of macchiatos. We start howling again at the thought of even saying “macchiato” to Partyhair. She would probably think we were calling her a derogatory name and we would end up in seg.

We diligently wait until Quejano is gone before we try and leave. Just incase. We scrape our plates and stack our trays not far from where Jojo and Renee are sitting, Partyhair perched on the edge of their table whispering conspiratorially like she’d rather be an inmate. “I always thought you could do better than that Sylvia,” we overhear. So does Facelift who looks up from where she sits, alone in a far corner, spooning soup through red lips that barely open.

Me and Sara pull our shirt collars up over our noses before we push open the door to brave the mosquitos and the rest of the day.

On Hunger

By Keith Dixon

Essay

Among the long list of indignities one must suffer with the increase of age—hair loss, mystery aches, the inherent uncoolness of having your twenties in your rearview mirror—is the particularly troubling discovery that you just aren’t what you once were. You just aren’t—and nothing embodies this loss quite so explicitly as one’s inability to recover from that which would have been a mere blip on the day’s radar twenty years ago. The hangover that troubled your morning back in college now sends you reeling back to bed for an entire afternoon; the sports injury that caused you to limp off the field for a rest now causes you to limp into the Emergency Room for a quick CAT scan. You aren’t what you once were.

To read Part I, please click here

Jeremiah balanced himself against the doorframe, his head loose on his neck, swinging from side to side like a pendulum. He motioned for me with his hand. I staggered his way inadvertently colliding with him at the front door.

Gary approached, intervening. He bucked for us to stay put, to crash at his place for the night citing how much alcohol the two of us had consumed over the preceding six hours.

“There’s more than enough room,” he said.

“I’m fine,” Jeremiah replied, exhaling smoke through his nostrils. “I’ve only had two beers.”

“And how many shots, how much wine?” Gary rejoined, “You smell like a damn orchard.”

“Do you mean vineyard?” Jeremiah countered with a wry smile. It was the same smile he gave when he was kicking your ass in Madden. It was the oh-how-do-you-like-that-shit? smile.

Jeremiah reeked of booze. Fumes of beer, liquor, and wine mixed with the nicotine from his breath produced a yeasty, acerbic combination. The inherent problem in Jeremiah taking to the wheel intoxicated—other than the obvious: he was intoxicated—was not so much the absorption of beer and liquor into his veins. The problem was the wine. Jeremiah simply could not handle wine. Never could. It made him off-kilter, a bit askew in his perception of reality and his ability to function in said reality. It was sort of a running joke within our circle that Jeremiah left zigzagging from Sunday services after communion was given just from the sheer tart quality of the grape juice on his palette.

I was a cheap drunk and hence stuck with my preferred Friday night beverage of choice, Hurricane. Hurricane is a malt liquor with 8.10% ABV and part of the Anheuser-Busch family of beers. BeerAdvocate.com gives Hurricane a resounding grade of D+ with a further comment for beer drinkers the world over to “avoid.”

I find this rating a bit unfair, particularly from the perspective of a teenager in the 1990’s with limited income save for the greenbacks earned by way of cutting grass in the summer time and chopping wood in winter.

The Three Pros of Hurricane:

  1. Extremely economical: Spend less. Drink less. Get drunk quicker. Have leftovers for next week’s shindig.
  2. Extremely potent compared to popular American lagers: Once again, drink less, get drunk quicker. I didn’t drink for the taste. Not to mention, easily the biggest con of Hurricane was that, like OE800, it smells like bottled and capped skunk piss. Pop it open, turn it up, don’t think twice, it’s alright.
  3. Never lifted at parties: The fact of the matter is people do not see a black, orange, and green case of Hurricane in the refrigerator and rogue one. They think, “Who in God’s name brought that?” move the case to the side so as to retrieve a can from someone else’s stash thus leaving my alcohol to keep cold and ready when the time was right to crack open another.

The latter was ultimately the deciding factor from my teenage perspective. Hurricane, Black Label, and King Cobra were my Big Three in those days. The lineup rotated as to which one I drank on a designated weekend. Unlike most, if not all of my friends, I never found myself in one of those “where the fuck is my beer?” moments at parties. My beer was always on the bottom shelf, untouched, except by me.

The only time anyone ever even touched one of my malts was when Brandon Shepherd grabbed one, held it up to his mouth like a microphone, and began singing, “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by Scorpions. Then, in the same motion, he passed out on the couch.

On days when the income was feeling a bit expendable and I was feeling grandiose and luxurious, I would step my game up and purchase a Mickey’s but those days were rare and few and far between. Not to mention, I loathed Natural Light for its redneck-specific designation on the drinking scene and avoided it at all costs, buying malt liquor instead. But I digress.

Other than Hurricane and a single can of Budweiser—whose slogan I unremittingly recited throughout the course of the night much to the protest of my cousin Gary—I downed a single mixed drink Gary had concocted.

Bleeding Liver

100 mL Vodka
15 oz. Fruit Punch Gatorade

Mix together. Shake very well. Add ice. Serve.



Gary in the middle, me on the right

Character Profile
Gary was my first cousin (standing in the middle in the picture to your left. That’s me on the right. My cousin Robbie on the left) and Jeremiah’s fellow classmate at Randolph-Henry High School in Charlotte Court House, Virginia—Graduating class: 1997.

As a young child, the third Hyde of the family, Garland Hyde Hamlett III, to be exact, had this intense fascination with WWF and WCW action figures and collectibles. Each year when Christmas rolled around and Santa Claus slid his morbidly obese, cherry red ass down the clay brick chimney, he would place under Gary’s Christmas tree some new wrestling action figurine.

By the time my aunt Julie, uncle Butch, and cousin Tiffany arrived at our home in Phenix for breakfast on Christmas morning, Gary was itching like a dog with mange to pull out his plastic men and toss them into the roped ring he had been given the prior Christmas. In turn, the Steiner Brothers—Rick and Scott—would gang up on an aging yet still shirtless Rick Flair or involve themselves in an illusory confrontation with the tag team duo of the Road Warriors.

This background is important for at times this imaginary play world of wrestling was implemented in the real world and my skinny self doomed from the start no matter how much milk I drank or Spinach I ate. (Yes, I arduously bought into the Popeye philosophy that a helping of spinacia oleracea would sprout Sherman tanks on my biceps and in turn help me bring down my own real life Bluto, Gary.)

Gary was my elder by two years, might as well have been ten, and was much bigger than I was then and still so even today. He does not recall putting me through the torture I am about to describe to you the reader. When you are on the giving end (as Gary was), I imagine it is but a faint memory pushed to the back of your mind with no resounding quality—just an ordinary day in an ordinary week. On the receiving end (as I was), however, it becomes burnt into one’s memory as if a fiery orange cigarette cherry snubbed out on the backside of one’s hand.

When I visited my Granny and Papa Hamlett in Drakes Branch, Gary, as sneaky and vengeful as ever, somehow found a constant lure and always managed to trap me in our grandpa’s bedroom. My cries for help were quickly silenced by the threat of pain I was soon to endure being even more painful if I called out for aid. He was also pompous to the fact that unlike other kids his age he already had underarm hair—and a jungle of it at that. As consequence, he jerked me immediately and without delay into a headlock and buried my pre-pubescent face in his armpits.

“Smell it,” he would cry out, squeezing my neck tighter as if to pop my head off like a grape. “Smell it!”

I refused to smell it.

He squeezed my neck tighter.

There was sweat on my nose and cheekbones from his pits. Thick white chunks of deodorant on my lips tasted bitter. Underarm hair tickled my nose.

“I want you to smell it. I want to hear you sniff,” he growled.

Then my nostrils would flare in and out.

* Sniff, sniff *

Enduring these moments of agony, I knew that nothing could be done but appeal to the Lord above for strength in a prayer that one day all those gallons of milk I had poured into my belly since weaning from the teat would jumpstart a growth spurt in my body and all that spinach I consumed would swell my biceps like it had done Popeye before he liberated Olive Oil from the masculine and obstinate grips of Bluto’s hands.

Then I would have my revenge.

Unfortunately, this petition to the Big Man in the Sky has yet to be answered and unless I dial up BALCO or Mark McGwire and get my hands on some Human Growth Hormone, my thirst for retribution may never be quenched.

Or will it?

In a metonymic adage originating in Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s 1839 play, Richelieu, Cardinal Richelieu says and I quote, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”

And so with this axiom clearly portraying wit over might, the power of the written word over the physical headlock, I will thus write with my pen a very significant and hopefully embarrassing little known fact about my Blutonian cousin Gary’s musical tastes.

Gary owned and purposely bought and listened to albums by Shaq Diesel, also known as Shaquille O’Neal, The Big Aristotle, and/or Shaq Fu. If my memory serves me correctly, his favorite song was “(I Know I Got) Skillz.”

Quiz him on this.

From the actual song, begin rapping these lyrics:

Yo Jef, why don’t you give me a hoopa beat or something,
Something I can go to the park to.
Yeah, there you go, alright, I like that, I like that,
It sound dope.

Just give him a minute for the full effect to take hold, to possess his body. Then like an uncontrollable instinct or an Episcopalian speaking in tongues, Gary will begin tapping his right foot and spitting the rhyme with prepositions incorrectly ending the sentence and all:

Knick-knack Shaq-attack, give a dog a bone,
Rhymin is like hoopin’, I’m already a legend,
Back in the days in the Fush-camp section,
Used to kick rhymes like baby, baby, baby,
Every once, every twice, three times a lady,
Is what I listened to, riding with my moms,
How you like me now? I drop bombs,
When you see me, please tap my hands,
I know I got skills man, I know I got skills man…

If that does not work, if he refuses to acknowledge this reality in regards to his music selection, simply ask to see his record collection. Inside a dusty cardboard box, you are sure to find a copy of Shaq Diesel’s debut album, and to top it off, nearly every cassette ever put out by the Fat Boys. True, there is nothing really to laugh about here. The Fat Boys had rhymes so sweet they would knock anyone into a diabetic coma.

Back in the day, I liked the Fat Boys too, used to beat box with my mouth at Gary’s on Saturday mornings while my uncle Butch sucked down a raw egg for breakfast. The two of us would venture out underneath the attached garage and toss lyrical heat into the fire. I would morph into Kool Rock Ski and him into Prince Markie D:

(Prince Markie D): $3.99 for all you can eat?
Well, I’m-a stuff my face to a funky beat!
(Kool Rock Ski): We’re gonna walk inside, and guess what’s up:
Put some food in my plate and some Coke in my cup
(Prince Markie D): Give me some chicken, franks, and fries
And you can pass me a lettuce. I’m-a pass it by.

And then Gary would pause for a moment, do the Robot, position his feet on his Max Headroom skateboard, pop an Ollie, and run his fingers through his hair like a 1988 James Dean. Peanut would call from the neighboring yard, “Yes, t-t-t-t-tune into Network 23! The network is a *real* mind-blower!”

Or at least this is how I like to remember the past.

And that was Gary.



Now he stood before Jeremiah and me, interrogating the man with the keys in his hand. Jeremiah opened the screen door, flicked his cigarette, and reached into his oh so smooth black leather jacket to retrieve a fresh smoke.

“Just a glass or two,” Jeremiah said of how much wine he’d had.

Gary hmphed. “More than that.”

“I’m fine man. I’ll drive slow. We’ll hit the back roads to be on the safe side. I pay more attention after I’ve had a few in me anyway.”

“Well if you don’t think you can drive, feel free to turn back around. Like I said, you can crash here for the night. It’s fine by me. Plenty of blankets and places to sleep.”

“Let me take one last leak before we hit the road,” I said to Jeremiah, knowing he would appreciate my common decency. I tend to urinate frequently, a result of what I suppose relates back to my recurrent bouts with kidney stones as a child. Jeremiah knew this.



Once on a short road trip the two of us took, Jeremiah was forced to stop every twenty minutes in order for me to empty my beans. I marked my territory more than a stray dog that evening.

Behind dumpsters.

On trees.

At a laundry mat.

In a 32-ounce Gatorade bottle.

In a 20-ounce Coca-Cola bottle.



Years later, I would earn the nickname “PP” by Jay Taylor, a co-worker of mine in construction. We used to carpool together. He drove. I sat in the passenger seat and read Noam Chomsky books.

In the late 1980’s/early 90’s, Jay used to play drums in a heavy metal band named Uncle Screwtape and had long, stringy hair down to his ass and was skinny as a toothpick. In promotional photos of the band, Jay wears black leather pants secured tightly by white laces running up the leg. Presently, he sports a reluctant comb-over and carries a few doughnuts in the mid-section.

Uncle Screwtape opened for Ugly Kid Joe in Texas back when Ugly Kid Joe was cool which took place during a window between June and November of 1992. They were on their America’s Least Wanted tour. The bass player for Uncle Screwtape named the band. As Uncle Screwtape’s star was on the rise, the bass player quit to enroll in college. He wanted to be an English teacher. Uncle Screwtape is a reference to a C.S. Lewis novel in which the demon uncle, Screwtape, writes a series of letters to his nephew in efforts to convince his nephew to help bring damnation to a man known as “The Patient.”

Jay used to get annoyed by how much I made him stop so that I could take a leak. We stopped at nearly every store we came upon on our way home from Buggs Island to Phenix.

I hated using a store’s bathroom without buying anything. I felt it was rude so I made a point to always buy an item. I loved Peppermint Patties so I bought one at each of my stops. I didn’t think anything of it, the abbreviation and all. The irony. Jay picked up on it.

“PP,” Jay said. “I think I’m going to call you ‘PP’ from here on out.”

“I hope the gods curse you with kidney stones one day so you’ll see what it feels like. Or an enlarged prostate.”

They never did. But they did curse him with the most awful foot fungus I have ever seen in my life during the summer of 2003. He had to change socks once every hour while at work. Doctor recommended. His feet looked gangrenous. Seriously. And they stunk like a rotting carcass.



It was cold that day and rainy, the evening Jeremiah and I were returning from our road trip down I-81.

“I’m not stopping again,” he said to me as I got back into the car. I had just pissed on a yellow brick wall at a laundry mat on the outskirts of Radford.

Twenty minutes later.

“Hey man, I know you said you weren’t stopping again but I really have to go. I might very well piss myself. I’ve been holding it for ten minutes now and my bladder is about to rupture. I’m pretty sure this isn’t healthy.”

“You’ve been holding it for ten minutes?” he questioned. “We just stopped ten minutes ago. Didn’t you piss?”

“I did. It was wonderful.”

“Then why do you have to go again?”

“I don’t know but I swear I do. I think it has something to do with the rain. Rain. Urine. Both are liquids. And your car idles rather fast. I think it is shaking my kidneys. I know Josh Holt had a similar problem once riding in my mom’s Corolla. It idled badly.”

“You’re not going to piss yourself,” Jeremiah responded matter-of-factly.

“I’m not so sure about that. This may be genetic. My mom gets the dribbles.”

“The dribbles?”

“The dribbles. She can’t do jumping jacks.”



I walked down the narrow hallway and into Gary’s bathroom. A Playboy magazine lay open in a wicker basket to the left of the toilet. An exposed woman stared back at me. She was on all fours stark nude. The sheets were red. Satin sheets I suppose. Rose petals were strewn across the sheets. You know, the way most naked women wait for you.

On all fours.

Stark nude.

Ass in the air.

On red, satin sheets with roses strewn across.

“You are not getting laid tonight,” she reminded me. I thanked her for her kindness and honesty. I wondered what her dad thought. I thought about how I was a hypocrite for enjoying seeing her looking this way, naked, and how I’d never in a million years let my daughter shed clothes for money whenever I had a daughter one day.

I thought about how it wouldn’t be up to me to “let” her do anything. I would have to hope I raised her properly so that she wouldn’t strip nude for money. Then I thought about how I had paid someone to strip nude for money before. She was a friend of mine. She said she’d get naked for gas money. I had gas money.

I was 16. She was 20.

I thought about how I was thinking too much. I thought about how drinking a lot always made me think too much when I already thought too much as it was.

I focused my attention away from the girl in the magazine.

The tank lid was open, pushed off to the side. The ballcock and float were visible. The water was running and the sound sensitive to my ears. I jiggled the handle.

“Don’t be the phantom shitter,” Gary called from the front.

I pissed the most glorious piss I had ever pissed in my existence all the while my stomach flipped, sat upright, turned. Through the pangs, I determined my stomach was essentially eating itself.

Hunger had taken over and the Wu Tang album wasn’t helping the cause. The martial arts samples dubbed into the mix began to remind me of sweet & sour chicken and orange chicken and fried rice with little chunks of egg and…

When I entered back into the kitchen, I grabbed a slice of white bread in my fist and crammed it down my gullet in a matter of seconds. I proceeded to the front door.

Jeremiah turned the handle and we made our exit.

Curtains for the night.

We each walked out with a beer in our hands. Gary stood at the door shaking his head as we made our way down the front steps.

“This is the famous Budweiser beer—” I began.

“Jeez,” Gary interrupted, “Drive safe. And make that moron shut up.”

I opened the passenger’s side door of Jeremiah’s black Thunderbird and slid in. Jeremiah buckled his seatbelt, as did I.

“We are really going down the back roads, right?” I asked Jeremiah.

“Definitely. Not trying to roll into a road check this time of night. Lawson can. Kiss. My. Ass.”

“Country Road?”

“Country Road.”

“I’d say that’s a good call, our safest route.”

“And I would second that notion. You ready? Buckled up?”

“Yep. Ready to roll.”

I had ridden with Jeremiah numerous times when neither he nor I were sober so I trusted him behind the wheel. (Trusted him with my life you could say) The reasoning on my behalf had more to do with the fact that when you are wasted beyond belief anyone’s driving looks pretty good as long as you get to your destination in one piece. It was a youthful decision on both our accounts. Not very wise no matter how you slice it. “Young and dumb” isn’t a popular phrase without reason, and when you are that age, you believe yourself as well as your friends are invincible.

We knew no krypton, could not be taken down with an arrow in our Achilles heel. To boot, hardly anyone traveled down Country Road, particularly at this time of the night.

I pulled out my pack of Marlboros and lit one. Jeremiah followed, asking for a light. I lit it while he edged his way from Gary’s driveway. The outside light on Gary’s front porch turned off.

“And you’re sure you’re okay to drive?” I asked just to double-check.

I was beginning to wonder if this time maybe Jeremiah had had a little too much to drink. His body swayed as if he was without a spine or bones. Under the surface, a sense of worry had presented itself to me.

“Oh yeah, I’m good,” he answered matter-of-factly.

About a mile up the road, Jeremiah hit his left turn signal.

“We’re turning right,” I told him.

Jeremiah hit his right turn signal. “I knew that.”

Country Road was now in sight. The car inched its way closer to the turn. The two of us were laughing it up, babbling about what the night had done to us.

“I’ll tell you, that wine did a number on me this time,” Jeremiah said, his beady eyes glassy.

“That wine does a number on you every time. Did you drink one of those Bleeding Livers Gary mixed up? I think it sent me overboard into the deep. Not a good mix with Hurricane. I feel sick as shit.”

“Nah. Only some shots, some wine, and a few baa-rewskies. If I added anything else, I’d be spewing for sure and you’d be driving.”

“We wouldn’t be driving. We’d be sitting. I’m definitely not in the shape to drive.”

“True. I don’t see how you drink that malt liquor week in and week out. Shit.”

“Cheap buzz.”

Snoop Dogg interjected on the stereo, singing. Jeremiah turned up the volume and veered toward the turn.

The only problem with this was that we had not actually made it to the turn quite yet. We still had a ways to go, roughly one-hundred yards or so; and granted, though we were not flying down the highway by any means, we also were not giving the turtle a run for his money on who was the slowest specimen on the roadside this time of night.

Jeremiah looked in my direction still talking, a grin etched on his face. The cigarette hung out of his mouth and the smoke danced off the end toward the ceiling of the car.

We were driving through the gravel parking lot of a closed convenience store.

And I was fully aware we were driving through the gravel parking lot of a closed convenience store.

For some reason, what reason I couldn’t tell you then, couldn’t tell you now, I thought maybe Jeremiah had decided to stop and get a drink, get a little sugar in his system to caffeinate him properly for the thirty minute drive we were making toward home in Phenix.

That’s what I told myself at least.

As a hypoglycemic in my own right, I tend to keep a stash of foods pertinent to the glycemic index close by to hold me over when my blood sugar begins to plummet.

In an article by Charles Q. Choi, “Why Time Seems to Slow Down in Emergencies,” researchers at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas, discovered that an individual’s memory plays a certain kind of mind game and tricks us in emergency situations. The amygdala, an almond-shaped mass of gray matter, one in each hemisphere of the brain, is associated with feelings of fear and aggression and is important for visual learning and memory. When one’s nerves tense up and the sense of danger near, the amygdala lays down an additional deposit of memories that go along with the memories typically taken care of by other parts of the brain.

Therefore, individuals tend to remember emergencies much more keenly than normal circumstances. Our senses become, in a way, pronounced and our attention level expands and takes in the scenery and sounds and smells of the moment, among other things. I bring this up because when Jeremiah hit the turn signal and began trekking through the gravel parking lot of the store, reality is this: it happened instantaneously and within a matter of seconds.

I was fully conscious of the situation. It was as if time stood still, the pendulum paused in mid-air, and everything was taking place in slow motion; that Jeremiah had a beer still in between his legs just as I did should have hinted something out to me that perhaps, just perhaps, Jeremiah was not thirsty and not stopping for a Coca-Cola.

Having sensed what I sensed, I created a reasonable explanation to make sense of those senses and did not say anything to Jeremiah at first.

Jeremiah was laughing and so was I. I figured, screw it. He was in control. He has done this a million times before and I have been the passenger of those million times myself and we had always been okay, always gotten where we were going in one piece.

False alarm, I told my amygdala.

You’re totally overreacting Amy so calm the hell down.

Now I know, just as any resident of Charlotte County knows, that our African shaped county in south-central Virginia is pretty dag gone country. Some kids across the United States like to claim that their hometown or home county is small.

“All we have is a Wal-Mart and a KFC,” they say.

Well, that’s nothing.

There is not a single stoplight—not one—in all of Charlotte County.

And Wal-Mart?

Well, if you want to hit up Wally World and support sweatshop labor and American jobs being sent overseas by the thousands all for the sake of a low price, Wal-Mart is a good 45-minute-to-an-hour drive away depending on where you live in the county.

The truth of the matter is that the road we were supposed to take, even if it is called Country Road (quite literally), is paved; and the path we were currently traveling down was nothing but gray dust and rocks.

It wasn’t even a road.

It was the near half-acre parking lot of a store that closed at 8:00 PM Eastern Standard Time (EST).

Like I said, this all happened in a matter of seconds; and ten years ago the Baylor College of Medicine did not even exist to me nor did their study of “Why Time Seems to Slow Down in Emergencies.”

I could have given them that answer and saved some taxpayers’ money.

Conclusion: Time appears to slow down because your senses freak and your adrenaline begins to pump and you’re alert to the belief that you’re going to die and that you never accomplished anything in life and when my mom cleans out my room and starts to cry because I’m no longer here, she’s going to discover my porn stash and she’s going to think I’m a pervert but I’m not going to be able to explain to her that it’s completely natural for someone my age to be looking at porn; at least I’m not a Trekky I would say to her, at least I didn’t waste my life collecting stamps though I did collect matchbooks once and I’m really sorry about almost catching the house on fire. I could have told Baylor College that much.

But right now God had his finger on the pause button and I got to thinking, got to convincing myself that Jeremiah had taken a mini shortcut and was simply going to cut back through on to Country Road when we got to the end of the store parking lot.

We’ll get home one-hundred yards quicker, I told Amy Amygdala, so quit your stinking pestering. I got this. Jeremiah’s got this.

Then Ms. Amy Amygdala wagged her invisible index finger at me.

Should have listened to me, she said. I was trying to tell you something, trying to warn you. Now it’s too late.

Jeremiah wasn’t slowing down. It became very apparent to me and Amy Amygdala who kept saying, I told you so, I told you so, that Jeremiah had made a rather grave error. He thought we had already made it to the right turn on to Country Road and had no idea that this was not a road but a gravel parking lot.

Fuck. I’m going to die.

Stones bounced underneath the black Thunderbird, clanging against the oil pan. A cloud of dust trailed behind our car like the last scene in Thelma and Louise when the helicopter zooms overhead and the car jolts airily into the pit of the Grand Canyon, a photograph of the two friends turning and turning and falling like a feather from the sky.

Click to view Thelma and Louise – Ending Scene

[with a ditch line in front of them and cops behind them]
Thelma Dickerson: OK, then listen; let’s not get caught.
Louise Sawyer: What’re you talkin’ about?
Thelma Dickerson: Let’s keep goin’!
Louise Sawyer: What d’you mean?
Thelma Dickerson: …Go.
Thelma Dickerson: [Thelma nods ahead of them]
Louise Sawyer: You sure?
Thelma Dickerson: Yeah.

I reached for my seatbelt to double check it was securely fastened. The radio was blaring, the cigarette smoke dancing, and Jeremiah was singing:

Hey, now ya’ know
Inhale, exhale with my flow
One for the money, two for the…

And then I noticed a huge ditch line at the back of the parking lot that casually adjoined an embankment. I thought to myself, Oh shit!

I looked at Jeremiah and to let him know that we were about to go jetting through a ditch line at fifty-miles-per-hour, I said, “Jeremiah.”

Yes, I know. Something more immediate should have spilt from my lips. It probably was not the best first thing to say in order to aware someone that you are about to be involved in a car accident, but God had pressed the play button and we were no longer on pause. Time was moving at its normal pace. And then in fast forward. And “Jeremiah” was about all I had time to blurt out.

Jeremiah looked at me and said, “Wh—” and at that very moment before he got the “-at” out to end his reply, I think he honest-to-goodness realized he had put the turn signal on prematurely.

SLAM!

WHOP!

CRASH!

Just like the colorful callouts in the original Batman episodes with Adam West.

We collided with the ditch. The airbags deployed. We smashed into the hill that adjoined the stacked mound of grass and dirt. Hubcaps retreated. Our car crippled, we flung our metal carriage through the last ditch and then managed to land back on the road, Country Road, the same road we were supposed to be driving down in the first place.

“Are you okay, man? Are you okay,” I said to Jeremiah in panic.

A cloud of powder from the airbags circulated throughout the car. On the driver’s side floorboard a cigarette glowed orange.

My left arm had slammed against the windshield and slightly cut open my left elbow and scraped my forearm. My scar from the Gilliam shed window I had broken out as a kid began to bleed and a small amount of blood trickled down toward my wrist. The car was the scene of what looked to be a baby powder fight. The powder from the airbags was suffocating.

I was coughing.

Jeremiah was coughing.

And Snoop Dogg was singing, “It Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None).”

The airbags had chalked up both of our faces. If I had to throw out a combination of words as to what Jeremiah and I looked like when Jeremiah hit the interior light then I would have to say—and this is because of the airbag powder on our faces I may add—that we looked like drag queen circus clowns with a bad coke habit and a bad aim at putting the coke up our nostrils.

I felt like I should be panning for change outside of a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus act come to town. I felt like Jeremiah ought to be right beside me juggling with a monkey resting atop his shoulder—a white-fronted Capuchin monkey named Larry with an asparagus stalk dangling from his bottom lip. I’m sure some animal rights protester would object; but Jeremiah and I would tell them that Larry loves our traveling circus act; and then, without notice, Larry would poo in his hand and throw it at the protester and giggle…

The two of us stepped out of Jeremiah’s black Thunderbird, dazed. Jeremiah looked at me and said, apparently gazing in the direction of an imaginary car and not the one that stood before us, “You think we can make it home alright still?”

I thought airbag powder must have been clogging my ears.

The black Thunderbird, once a fierce machine on the Charlotte County highway, its-terrifying-to-spectators pink racing stripe down the side, though it had now been in a wreck, still had a believer in its capabilities. His name was Jeremiah and he had lost his damn mind.

Or at least banged his head against the steering wheel when we hit the ditch to jar his intellectual capabilities.

I cannot remember my exact words but I believe they were somewhere along the line of, “I think we should probably go back to Gary’s and call someone,” which was immediately followed by a sense of panic that the cops were going to come, tow Jeremiah’s car, and arrest Jeremiah for drinking and driving, reckless endangerment, and me for underage drinking.

The wreck had miraculously sobered me—at least mentally. I could have passed an Algebra II test at that moment and it took me three years in high school to pass an Algebra II test.

Then Jeremiah replies with something else I will never forget: “Nah, I’m good. I can make it home if we just go slow.”

It was a common reply on a trashy talk show like Ricki Lake or Jerry Springer for a guest to come back with, “Oh no you didn’t” and that is exactly what went through my head as if on cue from the producer of one of these trashy talk shows.

Jeremiah tried to plead his case. He tried to tell me that he was okay to drive and his car fine but my mind was made up. Driving back home was no longer a good idea, not an option for this passenger.

Jeremiah looked at the car, looked at me, breathed in the last of his cigarette, exhaled the smoke, and then flicked the butt into the road.

“You’re right. Maybe it isn’t such a good idea. Let’s go back to Gary’s.”

So, the two of us got back into the Thunderbird, buckled our seatbelts, and putted and bounced and hopped our way back to my cousin Gary’s house. It was like riding in a horse and carriage on a road made of seashells. My window was down and I could hear the hubcap on the passenger side attempting to fall off into the road and roll away into the tree line.

Please don’t let a cop pass us. Please don’t let a cop pass us.

My dad is going to kick my ass. My dad is going to kick my ass.

When we arrived at Gary’s minutes later, I called my sister, Jennifer, at my parent’s house. She was in from college for the weekend and most likely asleep and in bed. It was 2:45 AM, after all.

Naturally, since I prayed with all my heart for my sister to pick up the telephone and not my mom, my mom indeed answered the phone.

My mom sounded alert as ever.

She has a freakish ability to do this, no matter the time. Honestly, it is weird. She never sounds groggy and she was definitely asleep when the phone rang and probably had been since 8:00 PM.

I asked my mom to give my sister the phone because I needed to talk to her. I didn’t tell my sister what had happened—the wreck and all. I just made it clear that Jeremiah and I needed a ride home. My sister came and picked both of us up. The next day, Jeremiah had his car towed from Gary’s place. Granted, it isn’t until now that I ever considered what Gary must have thought when he woke up and looked out of his window, only to see Jeremiah’s car busted to pieces and us nowhere in sight.

I believe Jeremiah’s dad, Johnnie, was onto our “someone ran us out of the road” story, as was my dad; but I am not sure still to this day that Jeremiah’s mom, Maryann, or my mom, have the faintest idea of what happened that night. I would like to think Maryann figured it out eventually, but my mom has not a clue of the truth, nor will she ever because even if I let her read this one day, this part will be edited from her copy.

Censored.

Absentis.



A few days passed. Jeremiah’s car sat in the shop being looked over by a local grease monkey in Charlotte Court House. Upon final inspection, the garage gave Jeremiah’s residence a ring on the telephone to give the full report of the damage done. (Let us keep in mind again that night Jeremiah still wanted to drive home after the wreck)

What was the damage?

Two broken axles and the car was completely totaled.

The mechanic told Johnnie the car was caput and he would haul it to the junkyard for him. Johnnie asked to have the car towed back to their house first.

When the wrecker brought Jeremiah’s car back to his house a few days later, I met Jeremiah in his front yard. We inspected the black Thunderbird and attempted to take in fully all of what we saw: our invincibility tested, our lives salvaged.

The rims on the wheels were busted. Two wheels were sunken. Because of the broken axles and two flat tires, the car drooped to one side, slouched as if an elderly man with bad posture or scoliosis. That or somebody born with a short leg. I knew a kid like that once. The front windshield was a spider web of cracks (which is why, when driving back to Gary’s, Jeremiah navigated the road by poking his head out of the driver’s side window).

The two of us peered inside the car for a closer look. The black seats were covered in a haze of white powder from the airbags, which lay deflated over the steering wheel and in the passenger’s seat. The furious Ford appeared as if it had been used in the Battle of Kursk, July 1943.

The Red Army victorious!

In the distance of Belgorod smoked a faithful battering ram with a badge of honor now headed to an aluminum and alloy grave.

“I’m glad you told me not to drive home,” Jeremiah said, his eyes still fixed on the black Thunderbird.

“Yeah, me too. Say, why did your dad have the car towed back here?”

“I think he wants me to take it all in. My piss poor decision. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t buy the story.”

“My dad either.”


Hungry Sara

By Irene Zion

Humor

Of all my children, Sara was the one who excelled in adventurous eating. The top two were only 14 months apart, so I can time when I learned this fact precisely. Lonny was all skinny legs and dead weight in my front carrier and Sara was no more than 15 months old.

Sara was playing in the bedroom with her imaginary friend, Jack, who lived under the bed. I was in the kitchen and thought to look in on her since she was unusually silent. She and Jack were usually quite boisterous.

As I entered the front hall I met up with Sara. Her mouth was all chocolaty and she was holding what appeared to be a Baby Ruth. She was chewing. She was smiling.

She was eating dog shit.

I gagged. I ran to her screaming something I can’t remember. I really frightened her and I  just feel awful about that, but honestly, wouldn’t you scream?  (I realize that a picture of this would have been great, but at the time, my mind must have been somewhere else.) I picked her up and ran to the bathroom and, holding her aloft with my right arm, I moved Lonny’s hanging little body over to the left. I rinsed out her mouth and washed her face and hands, all the while gagging and screaming as quietly as I could so as not to frighten her, or Lonny, more than I already had.

She was angry with me. She had been enjoying her snack.

(This, right here, is why you do not get an older dog from a shelter. More often than not, they are in the shelter because no one could housebreak them, or they never stop barking, or they attack anyone who passes who might be wearing boots or a hat. You walk in, fall in love and go home to raise a retarded dog, who is sweet as can be except for just one little quirk.)

Some of you may wonder just how sick Sara became after this. She did not get sick at all. She had probably been feasting on dog shit long enough that she was accustomed to whatever bacteria grows in dog shit.

A few weeks later, I was wearing my skinny legged baby as usual and Sara was walking next to me. She was always very dependable and did what she was told. I never had cause to worry about her misbehaving or, say, running into the street. We entered the elevator and Sara asked for the chapstick. I handed it to her. The elevator was full. When we got to the 6th floor, I asked Sara for the chapstick back.

“I ate it,” she said.

“You ate it?”

“Do you have any more?” She asked.

I did not realize up to this point that you had to explain to a child that chapstick was not edible. You learn something new every day as a mother. The tube was completely empty, right down to that little plastic circle with the point at the bottom.

I watched her pretty closely after that. She had a tendency to pick things up off the sidewalk and appear to study them, but if you looked away, she had already popped them in her mouth.

She ate lots of pennies and dimes and nickels, although she only sucked on quarters.

She ate flowers.

She ate gravel.

She ate dirt.

She ate little pieces of plastic.

You name it.

If it were in her path she’d tuck it in her mouth. She was pretty quick. I got so that I only worried if the item was too large. She had good instincts, though, and never choked on anything.

You might think that this would have made her a sickly child. You would be wrong. She never had the slightest stomach upset. I don’t think she ever vomited in her whole life.

Sara was three years old when we joined the Navy and moved to Annapolis. We used to treat ourselves to a dinner out once a week at generic fish ‘n’ chips greasy spoons, where Lonny could make lots of noise and run around like a banshee and no one would care, while Sara sat patiently waiting to eat.

At one particular dinner that is emblazoned in our minds, we asked Sara what she was chewing, because our order had not yet arrived.

“Gum.”

“But we don’t have any gum.”

“I do.”

“Where did you get gum?”

“From here.”

She indicated the underside the table.

Then she smiled and showed us her cupped hand full of used pieces of chewing gum that she had been busily been prying loose and collecting.

“These are for later,” she explained.

We gave her the “You Shouldn’t Eat Gum from Under the Table” lecture, but, really, we knew it was useless. We at least got the gum out of her mouth that time and her stash of the moment.

You do what you can do. (I do wish I had had a camera with me then.)

By the time the top two were old enough for small chores, and before the bottom three were born, we asked what chore each would like to do. Lonny didn’t want to do anything, but we made him do little things that wouldn’t push him over the edge. Lonny did not like to be told what to do. Sara offered to clean up the dishes after dinner every night.

This is how Sara looked at this time:

After a while I noticed that the plates were coming into the kitchen pretty much clean. There never seemed to be any leftovers. This is when we cottoned on to her trick of eating everything that anyone else had left over on his plate each night. She really enjoyed cleaning up after dinner, but she had her own reasons.

By this time we thought we had a handle on Sara, but then the unthinkable happened.

In High School, Sara became a vegetarian.

Seriously.

The girl who could and did eat anything, stopped eating all meat and fish.

(What category would dog shit be in, anyway?)

When she went to college, she came home a vegan.

(I’ve told you her history. Can you believe this?)

I had to make Thanksgiving for all the ravenous carnivores in the family and an entire vegan Thanksgiving also. I discovered upon researching that the “Tofurky” is no match for the “Now and Zen.” She had to have vegan “turkey,” “gravy,” “stuffing,” cranberry sauce, (Okay, that one was easy,) and dessert with no meat, fish, eggs, milk, butter, gelatin, or any animal product. She still liked to eat, mind you, she was just suddenly enormously finicky.

Thankfully, she has reverted a bit and as of now is a regular vegetarian with a touch of pescatarian thrown in on occasion. She will eat milk products, but only those from “The Happy Cow Farm,” and only eggs with painstaking requirements that boggle the mind. (Just try to go shopping for her.)

This from the girl who ate dog shit.

 

129 Comments »

Comment by Sara Zion |Edit This
2009-06-05 08:10:34

Yeah, well, what lessons did you expect me to learn? Remind me who couldn’t be bothered to get me a clean glass of water from the sink but instead left a cup that I could just dip in the toilet when I was thirsty?!

I am not making this up, nervous breakdown friends. They actually gave their toddler daughter a toilet cup.

Again, really, what did you expect?

(Small wonder I retreated to vegetarian food after what you intentionally fed me! Survival instincts, Lady!)

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:08:10

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Sara!
I never knew you were using the cup in the bathroom to scoop up toilet water!
There was a step stool for you to reach the sink and we TAUGHT YOU how to use the faucets!!!!!
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy!
Every time I write one thing I learn something else yet more horrible.
Sara! Why did you never tell me this?
WAIT!
There is a cup in your own childrens’ bathroom!!!!!

AHA!
What goes around comes around.

Comment by Phat B |Edit This
2009-06-05 22:07:08

I’m dying over here! Toilet cup.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 03:56:48

Phat,

My children are ALL out to get me. Unquestionably.

Comment by Sara Zion |Edit This
2009-06-06 02:37:12

I do not remember this. You yourself told me this story about the toilet cup several times (Mahomet, Champaign) as evidence for how stubborn and quirky I was about my independence. Basically, you said you gave in to my demands because I really wanted to do it myself. Now, as a parent of two little ones who constantly want to do disgusting things, I have two things to say.
1) kids are revolting
2) you don’t enable their disgustingness a a parent!!!

What were you thinkin’, Lady? (again with the “Lady…”)
Ask Dad; He might remember. I think you regaled me with his story in front of some high school friends– if I wet get back in touh w/ them, will ask.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:01:18

Sara,
I am obviously getting demented. I cannot remember this at all. Not the slightest glimmer.
You WERE very stubborn, that I obviously remember.
I remember you told me that you taught Lonny the trick of brushing the toothbrush hard on your hand so it SOUNDED like you were brushing your teeth, then putting a tiny dollop of toothpaste in your mouth for the breath test.
Why couldn’t you just brush your teeth?
I’ll see if any of my friends remember, but I’m pretty sure they are all as addled as I.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:03:28

Sara,

And futhermore, your father doesn’t know any of your middle names or your birth dates, with the exception of Lenore’s birth date since it is TAX day. Most of the time he doesn’t even remember he HAD children.
Ask Dad! I say HA! to that.

Comment by lonny |Edit This
2009-06-06 16:12:54

sara you are awesome

do you let your kids eat poop or drink out of the toilet
just wondering

i dont have kids but i definitely would let them drink from the toilet

mom sometimes i think you might give people the impression that we are not normal

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 17:24:50

Lonny,
I’m pretty sure that abnormal is our middle name.

Comment by Sara Zion |Edit This
2009-06-08 02:51:51

Ask dad.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-08 03:48:44

I’m sorry, honey. He doesn’t remember.
If it makes you feel better how about I admit that I certainly did tell funny stories about all of you because you did such crazy things.
I mean, duh, that’s what I do here. I just don’t remember this particular thing.
Lonny doesn’t seem to remember it either.
You are probably right.
All of this happened and because there was SO MUCH material to deal with I have lost some of it somewhere in my brain.
As I get further into dementia, I understand that older memories become uncovered. I suppose we can hope for that.
I believe you. I just don’t remember it.

Comment by Sara Zion |Edit This
2009-06-08 12:07:44

nonono
the “ask dad” in the last line was a joke
because you said dad doesn’t even remember our middle names
and then you said “abnormal is our middle name”

wasn’t funny, i guess. )

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-08 12:38:12

A thousand apologies, Sara.
This whole comment line is totally out of order.
I don’t know how anyone could understand what went on in this whole process.
Now I understand you.
That really is hysterical.
He DOES remember his grandchildren, though. Hard to believe, but true nonetheless!

(I actually asked him. I’m totally an idiot!)

Comment by George |Edit This
2009-06-07 09:41:06

Sara said, “You yourself told me this story about the toilet cup several times (Mahomet, Champaign) as evidence for how stubborn and quirky I was about my independence. ”

Well, I lived in Champaign during the relevant time period, and I never heard of this story until now. I know that if I had heard of it, it is the kind of think I remember.

Perhaps Sara drank from the toilet (a little girl imitating a dog), but it is not something that her parents would brag about or even allow. I never head this toilet cup story until now, and (sadly) it will be hard for me to forget the mental picture I have now.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-07 11:31:41

AHA!
Yet another of my friends chimes in!
You see, Sara? It’s becoming increasingly clear that you imagined this in your fertile brain and came to believe it.

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Comment by Kate |Edit This
2009-06-05 08:36:43

I used to eat Vaseline. That stuff was good. Oh, and paper. If you look at books I read as a kid, all the pages are missing their corners because I used to eat them. Then, I too became a vegetarian, vegan, vegetarian, and pescatarian.

Maybe there’s a trend here…

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:12:17

KAAA ATE!
You ate VASELINE?
(I have a horrible urge to taste vaseline now. Just to see, you know? I really hope the urge goes away before I can act on it.)
Paper I can understand.
Paper tastes good.
I get that. (Doesn’t everyone?)

But what is the deal with all you normal children turning into crazy weird picky eaters later in life?

I just don’t get it.

Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-05 16:16:34

Carbon paper tastes bad and thermal paper tastes worse.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 17:40:57

And you know this…HOW, Adam?
Don’t tell me you’ve eaten carbon paper. Yuck!
(You’ll have to tell what thermal paper is before I will be suitably impressed.)

Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-05 18:22:18

Thermal paper employs a heat-sensitive chemical that changes the color of the paper as an alternative to ink. Any receipts you receive with crisp, solid black printing are likely thermal paper. If you’re curious, hold the paper to a flame, but not close enough to ignite the paper; the whole sheet should go black.

Thermal paper is the bane of restaurant expeditors and waitstaff, as ready entrees are placed in the “window,” which keeps them hot until delivery, with a ticket designating which entrees go together, and to where — which ticket is invariably printed on thermal paper and goes black and illegible in the window.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:05:34

Well, thanks for telling me, but I still never heard of it.
I suppose it was because I was never a waiter since I have a grave problem with clumsiness.

2009-06-06 05:16:24

Nick ate paper and got pinworms in his butt. How disgusting is THAT? I guess that’s why he’s a meat and potatoes guy today.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 11:54:27

Christine,

Why in the world would eating paper give you pinworms? I think whoever told him that was incorrect. It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t think pinworms can live in paper, they need a digestive tract of a mammal.

Comment by Trish |Edit This
2009-06-05 08:55:10

Now maybe my kids can understand why we didn’t have a dog when they were little.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:14:35

Trish, Trish, Trish,

It’s not ALL dogs. It’s older dogs from a shelter.

We had terrific luck with rescue dogs.

Sorry, you are NOT out of the woods with this one, Trish. Your children will be able to torture you for the rest of your life.

Comment by Dana |Edit This
2009-06-05 09:19:36

A TOILET cup?! LOL!!

2009-06-05 12:04:30

I just spit out my tea. A toilet cup! Irene!!!

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:21:29

Oh Criminy!

My own firstborn daughter has coined the term “Toilet Cup” for all the world to use.
I will never outlive this humiliation!

Gina, just wait till YOUR daughters are in their 30’s! THEN you’ll find out what they’ve been doing all along!

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Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-05 16:18:18

As long as everyone flushed, it’s not a big deal. Below the floor, it’s the same pipe.

Unless you used some kind of tank sanitizer, in which case it’s a very big deal.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 17:43:05

Well, at least there’s that, Adam. We never used any of that blue stuff on account of we never had a dog who did not prefer water from the toilet to fresh water in a dog bowl.

Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-05 18:12:04

The dog is the canary; the water’s fine, Q.E.D.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:06:52

I’m not sure if that’s true, but I chose to believe it since it makes me feel better.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:18:53

Jimminy, Dana!

I had NO IDEA it was a toilet cup until this particular child who just turned 37 years old yesterday! How could I have guessed this was what was happening?
Who would have imagined?
Really, Dana, cut me some slack here.

(Now there is an actual term in use named: “Toilet Cup.” Thanks a lot, Sara!)

Comment by Greg Olear |Edit This
2009-06-05 09:22:00

My kids barely eat meat at all. They’re already vegetarians. They just eat cheese and yogurt and ravioli. Is the inverse true? Does this mean they’ll grow up and eat dog poop?

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:25:13

Greg,

I’ll go out on a limb here and say that barely anyone grows up to eat dog poop. I’m pretty sure that if you don’t do it when you are little, you have other weird quirks when you grow up.

But, seriously,Greg, do you actually KNOW your kids haven’t experienced the certain je ne sais quoi of dog poopy when you have not been around to notice?

HA! No one can feel safe anymore!

Comment by Greg Olear |Edit This
2009-06-06 01:29:04

They’d prefer poop of the feline vintage, if poop they sampled.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:08:45

I might be showing a prejudice here, but we’ve had zillions of cats through the years and NOTHING smells as bad as cat poop. I’m pretty sure that dog poop is superior in taste to cat poop.
You probably have nothing to worry about.

Comment by Erika Rae |Edit This
2009-06-05 09:27:25

A toilet cup, huh? You guys DID have those cool Japanese toilets, though, right? Probably more sanitary than the sink. Ha! (Or did the toilet cup predate the cool, musical toilets? Or was it the reason for the purchase of them in the first place?) So many mysteries here from the Zion household…

Nope, can’t say that I blame Sara one bit for going veggie. She’s probably still in therapy for what she ate as a child. It’s a wonder she eats at all.

( :

Hilarious post, Mama Zion.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:31:24

Erika Rae!

We did not get the glorious Japanese toilets until after our trip to Japan two years ago.

There is no discernible reason for Sara’s thinking she had a cup for the special use of drinking out of the toilet!

Now I have to find out if she taught Lonny about the “Toilet Cup”.

And, I’m sorry to all you vegetarians and vegans, but THERE IS BACON IN THE WORLD! Who in their right mind would turn down BACON? Crispy, hot, spicy, wonderful BACON!

Comment by Cayt |Edit This
2009-06-06 02:27:47

I would, Irene. Sorry. Meat makes me so ill… even bacon isn’t worth it.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:11:00

Cayt,
Did you have some strange “food” cravings as a child? Ask your mother.
I think there may be a connection between odd cravings early on and vegetarianism later.
Just postulating here.

Comment by Amy |Edit This
2009-06-05 09:50:19

My mom says I was the one who ate dirt pies. I remember making them, but not eating them. To this day I am still not a picky eater. I guess you never know how they are going to turn out. My daughter Ashlynn (who is 14 months) is a picky eater. I hope this changes because my husband and I are not and we love to cook new things.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:34:39

Yeah, Amy, well get this:

Victor and I love to cook and eat new and wonderful things. But we had in mind things like sushi and bouilliabaisse and tapas and file gumbo. NOT DOG POOP!

Get ready.
You won’t even know until you are old and grey. They never tell you a thing until it is too late to do anything about it.

Trust me on this.

Comment by jmb |Edit This
2009-06-05 10:07:20

Ah the family Zion.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:35:15

11,

I need some support here.

Comment by amanda |Edit This
2009-06-05 10:31:22

My brother is also notoriously finicky, after getting off to a grand start on canned dog food and hard green dog biscuits…my dad used to gag into one hand while using the other to scoop masticated Doctor Ballards from my brother’s mouth. I don’t know how he developed a taste for the stuff–my chore once I was big enough to do small chores was feeding our poodle, and the smell wafting from the can was so putrid that I mastered holding my breath a really, really long time.

Now that he has a son of his own, I’ve been tormenting my brother with jokes about feeding his baby some meat. The doctor gave the all-clear a little while ago, and they’ve started with some bland veg. Joking about giving “meat” to the baby pushes my brother’s buttons to the point where he can’t even pretend he thinks it’s funny. He gets all pinchy-faced and chuckles in the voice of someone who’s going to punch you in a New York minute if you say that thing one more time.

Perhaps, like your daughter, he used up his adventuresome appetite young, compressing a lifetime of experimentation into eleven short months.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:37:45

You see, Amanda? Now he’s going to take his own weird background, which he alone is entirely to blame for, and foist it on his poor unsuspecting son, making him a girly vegan or something.
Tell him I said to MAN UP!

Comment by Amanda |Edit This
2009-06-06 05:01:13

My nephew is lucky enough to have a dad who believes in being prissy and a mom who believes in eating dirt and shoving clods of fresh-mown grass into your diaper (since you’re crawling around pantless and have no pockets for carrying stuff). I like to imagine the little guy will find a place in the middle ground and turn out a perfect (dirt-eating, room-tidying) angel.

….and if not then his Aunt Sissy (that’s me) will pick up the slack and teach him all about balance.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 05:13:53

Amanda,

It sounds like everything is covered for your nephew to grow up to be a healthy, well-rounded kid!
Good for you!

Comment by Melissa |Edit This
2009-06-05 12:01:19

OY VEY…you crack me up all the time. So Sara started that phrase. The one I told my ex as he left, You can’t make me say it , I am a good girl.

Melissa

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:38:55

You said “Toilet Cup” to him?
Melissa, that doesn’t even make sense.
You are hiding something deep and dark here, aren’t you!

Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-05 16:27:06

She’s referencing the coprophagia, I suspect.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 17:46:22

Dammit, Adam, you are just a kid and you made me look up a word. I have a very nice vocabulary, I’ll have you know. It just doesn’t include these sorts of words.
Or at least it didn’t.

Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-05 18:11:08

Being just a kid goes hand in hand with commanding this kind of vocabulary. We’re both showing ourselves for who we are, I’m afraid.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:12:37

Are you saying I’m an adult or an old hag here?
My response to you is dependent on knowing that.

Comment by Adam |Edit This
2009-06-06 05:09:39

I’m saying I’m apparently the type to have actively, independently learned a five-syllable word for eating shit, and you seem to have had no such inclination, which probably speaks to our respective characters and maturity levels in a more cerebral sense.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 11:56:22

Adam,
You know just what to say to calm down an insulted old lady!
You charmer, you!

Comment by Melissa |Edit This
2009-06-05 17:06:12

oh Irene are you going to make me say it? I told him to eat shit, among other things.

Melissa

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 17:49:32

Oh. Melissa. I’m SHOCKED!

(But, on the other hand, I’m right behind you!)

Comment by melissa (irene’s friend) |Edit This
2009-06-06 03:09:43

From now on, the people that get on my last nerve are going to be called TOILET CUP.
As, My son in law is a toilet cup.

Melissa

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:13:50

Eventually good things evolve from bad things.
I have many examples.
(But they are too serious for right now.)

Comment by Marni Grossman |Edit This
2009-06-05 12:12:42

Did you just give up, Irene? Just give up and let her eat whatever crossed her path? Live and let live?

It makes sense to me. Built up her immune system. Notice, if you will, that she didn’t have any stupid peanut allergies or gluten intolerance.

She was adorable!

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:43:51

Marni,

I have to say that I totally worked at never, ever seeing her eat dog shit again, but she ate the other stuff so fast and never seemed to have any bad effects at all. Except for the ear infections that were the scourge of the family, she never got sick.
I had two rules for her:
1.No dog shit.
2.No choking on big pieces of anything.
That worked out pretty well. She’s a totally healthy young woman now, except for her predilection for eating no BACON.

(That was MY dress she was wearing in the last photo. Both my girls wore it. Didn’t mean a thing to them, but it did to me.)

Comment by Dew(ed) |Edit This
2009-06-05 12:27:55

This was a fun read. My son eats everything and anything as well.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:44:50

Dew(ed)

Your son will be healthy as an ox. Just watch out for all that girly vegetarian stuff!

2009-06-05 13:25:51

It doesn’t matter what your kids eat (ate) I would make out with each and every one of them!!!

Oh, to be a child of the House of Zion.

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-05 14:46:34

Kimberly,

Savor every moment.
I’d give my life for ten minutes back with the five of them as little kids.
My life.

Comment by D.R. Haney |Edit This
2009-06-05 18:17:17

“Savor every moment” is good advice not just for parents but for everyone, and applicable to almost every situation.

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Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 04:15:01

Amen.

Comment by lonny |Edit This
2009-06-06 15:52:18

it wasnt all dog shit and used gum i assure you

Comment by Irene Zion (Lenore’s Mom) |Edit This
2009-06-06 17:26:57

Yeah, That’s true, lonny. (But is the normal stuff funny?)

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