So, things were looking good for Rapture 2011. We’ve had a few years now of horrible earthquakes, wars…the makings of the perfect antichrist in office (nothing personal, Mr. Obama). Family Radio’s Harold Camping had done his derndest to gather together a skittish flock for the purpose of mobilizing placards and billboards all over the world. People had been warned. Bank accounts had been budgeted to hit the end on May 21st. And when 6pm came and went without incident, well, let’s just say some people have been left bewildered. (I’m looking at you, Kirk Cameron.)

Left with nothing but the finale of American Idol to look forward to, many of us found ourselves obsessively going over the events of the past several weeks. What happened? What went wrong? Why the hell are we still here?

Aside from this entirely plausible explanation, here are a few reasons why the Rapture may have failed:


10) The flight suits required to transport millions of people got hung up in production.

9) Father and Son had a last minute argument over what to serve at the Feast of the Lamb. (Jesus had been kind of hoping for chicken.)

8) It didn’t actually fail. Has anyone seen any Moonies lately?

7) My dead grandmother gave God a piece of her mind about this rapture tomfoolery and convinced Him to keep things going at least until her great grandchildren could graduate from college.

6) God was not exactly comfortable with having to syndicate FamilyRadio.com in heaven. Something to do with investors and image….

5) God got distracted playing Angry Birds. Forgot what day it was.

4) One overheard wayward pastor on telephone late one night desperately turned: “Fudge and Play – 21 /

Gay” into: “Judgment Day – 21 May” to his cross-armed, foot-tapping wife standing in the doorway.

3) Heh. There never was supposed to be a Rapture this year. What we all witnessed was simply an underhanded attempt at the right wing’s version of the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act: Incentive to spend all or most of your money by May 21.

2) God took stock of the company he was about to be keeping for all eternity and had second thoughts.

1) As it turned out, there was actually somebody interested in finding out what happened with the American Idol Finale.*


*As it was Scotty McCreery who won, the Rapture will proceed as planned on the given raincheck date of October 21.

** Many thanks to Beanie Brady for your additional insights that went into this list.


Nothing gets the blood pumping for an ex-Evangelical better than a good old-fashioned End of the World prediction.

You’ve no doubt seen the billboards. The End of the World is scheduled for May 21, 2011. And if you’re having trouble believing that, you’d better check out the little gold seal in the corner that says “The Bible Guarantees It”, because everyone knows that a gold seal doesn’t lie.