Please explain what just happened.

I sat down to answer some questions I’ve been putting off for too long.


What is your earliest memory?

Not sure. Hard to tell if they’re dreams or memories. I think I remember a big back yard and a Dalmatian who lived next door.


By Slade Ham


Is it possible that we give some people too much credit? I understand the concept of “celebrity”, and I understand some people’s fascination with other people. I can grasp how you could become enthralled with an actor or musician’s body of work, or even when someone has a simply superficial attraction to somebody else.

But I do not get Megan Fox.

I’m sure this will generate a slew of replies that 1) will be from women that jealously agree with me, or 2) will be from guys calling me gay. Either way, that’s fine. I refuse to jump on the bandwagon though. I won’t spend five hundred words listing actresses that I think are more attractive either. That would be boring. Instead, I am more interested in how she hit the top to begin with.

First off, I don’t want to pretend that I don’t think Megan is beautiful. Stevie Wonder thinks Megan Fox is hot, and I only use Stevie here because there aren’t any other really well known blind people anymore. Who else knows Andrea Bocelli is blind? Exactly. He would find her amazingly attractive as well though, I’m sure. Still, the hottest person on the planet? I passed a girl in the aisle at Kroger earlier this week that made Megan Fox look like Snuffleupagus. THAT girl needs to co-star in a movie or a have TV show or be plastered on the cover of Maxim magazine.

At the very least, she needs a webcam.

Still, Megan Fox is “The Sexiest Woman in the World” according to FHM. And I’m sure she deserves to be up there… somewhere. She has to lose points though for having “”there once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her HEART,”” tattooed on her rib cage. That’s not something you get inked on your body, that’s something that belongs in glitter letters on your MySpace page. She also has a yin-yang tattoo on her wrist and the Chinese word for “strength” on the back of her neck. I love tattoos on women, but seriously… she, and pretty much every other twenty year old girl with thirty disposable dollars, has an Asian symbol on her back.

That’s not sexy.

It’s obvious to me though that we needed her. That’s the only explanation. Let’s face it; Angelina Jolie fell off the haystack a while ago. I think it was somewhere between Kid One and Kid Six though I can’t pinpoint it exactly. As a people, we needed another “her”. Another Angelina. Someone that guys could lose their minds over and women could claim to be in love with as well. If I could seriously get a dollar for every time I heard a girl say, “I would totally go lesbian for Angelina Jolie” I would actually have enough money to buy both Megan Fox and Annalynne McCord.

But Angelina is thirty-four now and married and has a gaggle of Benetton children. It’s time for a newer model…

And before you try to sway me on this, I’m sure Megan is brilliant and charming and funny and all of that other crap. I’ve read an interview or two with her and she does have some attitude. I like it. I’m just sick of hearing about it. Nobody is THAT hot.

But Slade, she is the PERFECT woman. Why? Let me take a stab at it.

Is it because she claims to be bisexual and says she fell in love with a stripper when she was eighteen? Is it because she supports the legalization of marijuana? And she loves comic books? And Wikipedia says she named her dog after Sid Vicious? Is anybody really buying this? It sounds a little manufactured to me.

But it works, so good for you Megan.

You have taken over the world with bullshit. In ten years she too will have grown up. You can’t take seriously the words of a twenty-three year old actress. Whatever she’s selling is most likely a lie. That’s what twenty-three year old girls sell. It’s not even her fault; it’s just what’s in the inventory.

She’ll grow out of it.

If you’re like me and you’re waiting for the crash, just stay patient until she marries Shia LaBeouf. Give her a decade and watch what happens when Transformers 6 doesn’t do so well because she has popped out triplets, put on a little weight, and adopted her own herd of Malaysian kids.