Just A Few Of The Lies I’ve Told That Will Prevent Me From Ever Becoming Vice President AKA My Charlie Gibson InterviewBy Rachel Pollon
September 16, 2008
Mr. Gibson requested that he be able to observe me in my natural habitat. Due to the relocation of my family members, and the dissolution of our family compound, this interview took place over two days at Solley’s Deli in Encino, California. A place my family and I inhabited frequently during my most formative years.
Mr. Gibson insisted on a relaxed and casual atmosphere. I showed up on time, but comfortable, in my usual ensemble – an American Apparel zip up hoodie in white, crewneck t-shirt in red, and sweat pants with the gathered ankle in navy blue.
The contents of this interview have been edited. All pauses and blinking removed for the sake of brevity.
CG: Ms. Pollon, I’m going to attempt to pose these questions in an order I believe will be of utmost importance and interest to the American people.
RP: Terrific. I look forward to each and every one of them getting to know me.
CG: Please tell us about the Ticketmaster / U2 concert incident.
RP: Can you be more specific, Charlie?
CG: Regarding Pam Freed in particular.
RP: What aspect of it?
CG: Just after graduating high school, you entered the work force as a clerk at Tower Records in Sherman Oaks, California.
RP: That is correct. I rose from a simple store clerk, to Import Buyer, and then to Shift Manager.
CG: U2 was touring the United States. Your former best friend, Pam Freed, someone you were still in contact with but not as close with as you were the semester previous, knew of your proximity and probable assignment working the Ticketmaster window, and asked you to get her two tickets. You told her you’d try.
RP: That’s right, Charlie.
CG: You didn’t end up getting her those tickets, did you Ms. Pollon?
RP: I didn’t, Charlie.
CG: Why is that?
RP: The tickets were in high demand and Ticketmaster regulations prevented me from being able to make more than one transaction per customer. I did not consider myself above the rules, and so, because I was getting myself tickets, I could not also get her tickets.
CG: Could you not have gotten her tickets bundled along with your tickets? You and your friends could have sat side by side with your former best friend. Everyone would have been happy.
RP: It was against the rules, Charlie.
CG: Were you unable to get Pam Freed tickets or did you simply decide you didn’t want to get her tickets?
RP: I was a Shift Manager, Charlie. There were parameters I was not going to breech.
CG: Our records show you had not been promoted to Shift Manager at that time.
RP: I was on a fast track, Charlie. I wouldn’t allow personal relationships to jeopardize the greater good.
CG: In ninth grade you tripped and fell during Nutrition. You ended up leaving campus and didn’t return until the following Monday. Tell the American people what caused this extreme reaction.
RP: I fainted, Charlie.
CG: You fainted.
RP: Yes, Charlie. People faint.
CG: Is it not also true that on the day in question, you were wearing, for your first time, a pair of high-heeled Kork-Ease?
RP: That is true. But beside the point. You know, if we must go here, in order to clear my record, I’ll let you know that I’m pretty sure on that day I was also in the midst of the glory that is the female reproductive cycle.
CG: Let me get this straight. You were wearing unwieldy high-heeled shoes, may or may not have been suffering from menstrual cramps, and you fainted.
RP: I’m not sure my footwear is an important component in this mix but, yes, I’d just gotten the Kork-Ease, was pretty excited about them, and took them for a spin on the campus quad.
CG: ABC was able to locate your yearbook from that time and found various comments throughout the book seeming to address the incident.
RP: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CG: Quote: “I’m going to use that ‘fainting’ story next time I embarrass myself. Don’t ever change, Lori Baumbach.”
RP: Kids say the darndest things, Charlie.
CG: Another quote: “You think fast on your feet, even though you can’t walk in your shoes. You are 2 sweet 2 B 4gotten, Seth O’ Shanahan.”
RP: Rumors get started.
CG: Speaking of rumors, it’s been reported that The National Enquirer is delving into this piece of your history. Trying to get to the bottom of it.
RP: I’ve got nothing to hide, Charlie. It’s my word against Lori’s and Seth’s.
CG: History has shown that you are basically a relationship person. You go on a few dates with someone and they either don’t work out or they end up your boyfriend.
RP: I’m single-minded when it comes to love, Charlie. I like to focus on one man, give him my all. It’s truly a metaphor for how devoted I am to our great country.
CG: However, at one juncture in your life you had an overlap. You were in a relationship with one man, and before you ended it with him, met another man of interest. You couldn’t decide which one was “righter” for you… this according to journal records.
RP: Well, Charlie. Both men had admirable qualities and I needed time to assess which path to take.
CG: What does this say about your loyalty, Ms. Pollon?
RP: The man I was in a relationship had taken to focusing on his heavy metal band to the detriment of our partnership. I had needs. Just like the hard working men and women of this country have needs.
CG: Where did you draw the line, “romantically,” with these men, Ms. Pollon?
RP: Charlie, I don’t think the American people want to be dragged in to smut talk like this.
CG: The question is valid, Ms. Pollon, because according to transcripts taken from your private journal, when “Man X” found out about “Man Z” and confronted you, you admit you “totally evaded answering the question.” What are you hiding?
RP: Charlie, evading does not connote lying. Evading means avoiding. The words even sound alike. I think the American people want someone in charge who can avoid conflict and I have a long history of avoiding conflict. I tell conflict, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
Preview of The Rachel Pollon Interview – Part 2, with Charlie Gibson:
Lies My Hair Told – The Chemically Straightened Years
Why I Pulled The Leather Waistband Tag Off of My Levi’s 501s – What Size Pant Was I Concealing?
How Often I Listen To Jennifer Lopez On My iPod During Cardio Workouts at the Gym
(Note: At my handlers’ discretion, interviewer Charlie Gibson may be replaced with Project Runway’s Tim Gunn. He seems so nice!)