Victor loves road trips. He finds serenity behind the wheel on a long trip, whereas I might could crawl out of my skin. The first day we drove north for about 14 hours. It takes at least that long for my whining to manifest itself inside his tranquil bubble.
By the second day we were able to exit the car to check out Annapolis and Washington, D.C. This trip coincided with a major heat wave. It was 107° on the coolest day we were there. Victor likes to walk, meander, really. The heat and the humidity don’t bother him. He’s soaking in the culture. I’m soaking in sweat and learning just how long it takes me to develop a heat rash. (Not long.)
I did see a wedding dress draped with a tartan plaid wool shawl and with lace epaulettes in a shop window. It looked perfect for Michael Jackson, if he had ever decided to get married in a gown. I showed it to Victor, but he said “what?” Victor doesn’t always get stuff.
If you want to tour the Capitol, you can’t carry a purse bigger than 4 ½ by 6 by 8 inches. You can’t hardly zip the bare essentials into something that small. There’s a lengthy inventory of items that I really must have, because I am a prudent person. Victor says you only need your wallet and your reading glasses. Men.
When we got to the Capitol Visitor’s Center, I really had to put my back into opening the doors. They’re blast-resistant. Maybe we should put blast-resistant windows in our house, you know, for Armageddon. I imagine they’re quite pricey, though, and my discretionary cash is already going to replacing new sidewalks with newer sidewalks in Boynton, Oklahoma.
Quite a few congressmen and senators passed by us because they were doing that whole debt-ceiling thing. All of them were shockingly impressive-looking people. Way taller than regular people… stick-straight posture… lantern-jaws…quality designer suits… full heads of shiny, perfectly styled hair. To be a politician, clearly you don’t have to be impressive; you only have to look impressive.
I do enjoy mining Victor’s head when I’m trapped in a car with him. For instance, he maintains that the most repulsive bad breath has two origins:
1. Keeping a small dead mouse between your teeth and gums.
2. Keeping a rind of a firm Swiss between your teeth and gums.
You can’t argue with him. Just because you don’t know anyone who does these things doesn’t mean it isn’t nasty.
Victor also pontificated on the subject of prostitution. He says if you are going to have sex with a stranger, it might as well be a rich stranger and that he hopes he taught his daughters that if they find themselves needing cash, they should not overlook this lucrative path to solvency.
To look at him, all rumpled in misbuttoned Hawaiian shirts and stained, saggy travel shorts, you just wouldn’t appreciate what a font of knowledge he is. Victor is the anti- politician.