Dad: Your mother wanted me to talk to you about something.

(Insert silence)

Rich: What?

Dad: How do I say this? When two people…when a man and woman are in love and–

Rich: Is this about sex?

Dad: How do you know about sex?

Rich: School.

Dad: What did you hear about it?

Rich: Nothing.

Dad: Do you know how it works?

Rich: N’uh uh.

Dad: Would you like me to explain?

Rich: I guess so.

Dad: Well when a man and woman want to be intimate and–

Rich: What does intimate mean?

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Dad: When a man and woman love each other.

Rich: Do you and mom love each other?

Dad: Yes.

Rich: You don’t act like it sometimes.

(Insert silence)

Dad: Your mother and I love each other very much.

Rich: Did you and mom love each other when you made me?

Dad: I think we’re getting a little off the point here. Let’s talk about sex. Alright?

Rich: Alright.

Dad: When a man and woman want to make a baby they have what is called sex. Do you understand?

Rich: I think so.

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Dad: Would you like me to explain how sex works?

(Insert silence)

Rich: I guess so. Alright.

Dad: Think of it like this. It’s a little like sticking a broomstick into a mousehole and–

Rich: I once saw that on Tom and Jerry. Tom was sticking this broomstick into Jerry’s mousehole and–


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Dad: That’s not what I mean.

Rich: Really?

Dad: Really.

Rich: Good. Cause that was pretty scary.

(Insert silence)

Rich: So what do you mean?

Dad: A man has something between his legs called a penis, which looks a little like a broomstick and he’ll stick that…son, what are you doing?

Rich: Looking to see if mine looks like a broomstick.

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Dad: Son, get your damn hands out of your pants and let me finish here.

(Insert silence)

Dad: Stop crying.

(Insert longer, more awkward silence, followed by soft choking sobs)

Dad: Stop crying, son. It’s alright. Just let me finish. Alright?

Rich: A-a-a-alright.

Dad: Anyway, the man sticks his thing that looks like a broomstick into something between a woman’s legs that looks like a mousehole and–

Rich: That’s gross.

Dad: Well it’s not gross when a man and woman and woman love each other.

Rich: Do you and mom love each other?

Dad: Wait, I haven’t finished telling you about sex yet.