I have this sudden desire to make French toast. It’s 3:18 AM Central Standard Time on February 9, 2011, and I ate dinner hours ago, and more recently I prepared myself a late-night snack. But enjoying a full stomach very early on a Wednesday morning doesn’t make me crave the French toast any less. What matters is it’s 10 degrees outside, and the wind is howling at 35 miles per hour, and it’s snowing heavily.

Since it’s snowing, that means I need French toast. And I need it now.

But there’s a problem. When I go to the store, there’s no bread on the shelves. There are no eggs. I do find a few cartons of milk, but they aren’t really milk but almond milk, Silk-brand Pure Almond Dark Chocolate Milk with ExtraAntioxidants.

Please explain what just happened.

Millions of years ago two warring factions wanted to mine the precious material and resources of earth. This being hard labor, they picked the dominant ape-like species and jump started the DNA code to expedite evolution, creating a labor force. By placing the “moon” in Earth’s orbit they could observe the progress of this species and subtly influence them for one purpose or another. A giant flood wiped out all the technology and “man” was forced to start again. Then at some point I was born.

What is your earliest memory?

I remember getting my head stuck under my crib and crying out for help. My mother came into the room and explained I could simply turn my head sideways, which I did. I wasn’t a terribly bright child.

 

Please explain what just happened.

Electrochemical conditions on a certain planet orbiting a certain star caused certain molecules to organize into more complex systems that were capable of self-sustenance and reproduction. The success of these systems gave rise to new, even more complex systems, and eventually self-contained individuals emerged. The wide variety of local conditions on the planet’s surface promoted a level of cellular specialization, creating groups of individuals with similar characteristics and functional traits. Millions of life species evolved on this small planet, all of them adapting to each other and their surroundings with varying degrees of clumsiness. One of those species developed a form of self-consciousness that caused a disconnection with their surroundings and changed their relationship with other species. They decided to call themselves “humans,” and here we are.