By Nathan Pensky


Hey, you know what’s pretty fucking amazing without you ever really thinking about it? WHEAT! You could even say that wheat is, like, the BEST thing in the world. You can make cookies with wheat, bread, fucking biscuits… It’s awesome.


I mean, what else is there? Like, Rice? Corn? Corn is total bullshit. Then what, Quinoa? Fuck fucking Quinoa. Nobody wants to eat Quinoa. Might as well just rake your tongue across a piece of bark. And can you make beer with Quinoa? Maybe, but it’d taste like Mother Nature’s dick.


Like, just think how in movies when girls with blonde hair wearing sundresses are all running through a field to show how fresh and pure they are and shit. What kind of field do you think they’re running through? It’s a wheat field, motherfucker! If there was no such thing as wheat, that blonde-haired girl would probably be a 50-year-old prostitute running through piles of broken glass. And Amish guys who wear straw hats and overalls? They gotta have something sticking out between their teeth, don’t they? Fuck.


When it comes right down to it, wheat is the motherfucking Cadillac of grains. Just grind it and add water and bake it and you’re totally going to stay alive for at least a couple of hours. In fact, wheat is so fucking cool that I felt like writing a poem about it. Here it is:


Wheat, wheat, wheat is great

Wheat is the best grain in the world

Wheat is good in bread and cookies

Fuck you, rice

Fuck you, barley

Wheat is rad

The end


I might turn it in to a rap.


Go wheat!