April is Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness Month and the perfect time to explore the intimacy of a fart.
Let’s get some drinks, she says.
We need pizza to soak up the alcohol, you say, which leads to more carbonated drinks. All of a sudden both parties are loosened up enough to start kissing…..inhaling each others’ pepperoni and pale ale…..which has been downgraded to a faint aroma under the cigarettes you just shared before walking back into the bar.
One more kiss before we go back inside.
Some people bring condoms on a date just in case they get lucky. I bring matches. It’s the new courtesy for drunken lovemaking.
Carbonated drinks and slices of pizza are easy farts to contain when you’re vertical. Once things get horizontal your body makes a phone call to your bowel to relax: Air release A-okay, your fat, cigar chomping intestine engineer in dirty overalls yells to the assembly line.
You make the call to him, but he can’t hear you when the conveyor belts of digestion have started through your lower torso warehouse.
Stop, I may be horizontal, but I’m also naked with a lady.
Clothes are off, condom is on and sex is happening and all you can think about is how much longer you have to concentrate on squeezing your sphincter in order not to let one seep out. You give her your love face, your happy face, contorted into an oh don’t fucking fart you asshole face and she interprets it as a, I’m totally doing it for him, face.
A trip to the bathroom, some running water, relief. And maybe during round two of naked love wrestling your contorted face will actually have something to do with progressing towards orgasm and not holding in your embarrassment.
Kurt Cobain had IBS and heroin helped relieve his symptoms. A different solution for embarrassing moments before making love is to go in to the bathroom, not to let out your beer and pizza farts, but to do a quick spoon burn and shoot up.
Be warned, results may lead to a hefty drug addiction, jumping in bed with your naked partner and vomiting on her. Some people are into that. No matter the problem, there’s always the value of positive thinking and turning an embarrassing situation towards your favor.
Tyra Banks has IBS, so that gives me hope that there’s actually decent content to her talk show. Audio engineers ruin the only intelligent thing about the show with professional software filters: Tyra fart filter at 1:45, then segment 2, :30.
The queen of IBS is Janeane Garofalo. She’s the sexy, funny spokeswoman for our generation. I would love to get pizza and beer with her and just lie naked and fart. Bask in our fartiness. Compare the possibilities of what we ate the day before. I would eat a brick of butt stink cheese right before our date just to outdo her.
But wait, there’s more.
When do you fart in front of a woman? When does she fart in front of you? What happens after the first fart?
It takes intimacy to a whole new level. Years ago, I was married one month after she let the first one rip. I was “saving” myself for marriage and was a virgin until 25, so, like most things in life, I do them backwards. Farting first, sex later.
A fart can bring more meaning to a relationship than spending Christmas with her relatives. In another country. For a week.
A fart can be as committable as a ring on a finger. Or a baby in the womb.
Life lesson learned, never fart first, then sex, sex first, then fart. Yes, a fart is more intimate than sex.
There’s also the fine line that once farting occurs, the sex is over and you’re just friends. Or you’re ALL IN and start changing your relationship statuses on Facebook, iGoogle, MySpace, etc.
Bring matches and be careful kids, relationships and intimacy are serious stuff. They’re not anything to just blow out your ass.