I have one baby.
What is the best year?
Of all the Dragonlance novels, what is the best Dragonlance novel?
Some may find it unconventional to ignore the foundational Weis and Hickman trilogies, but there is something distinctive about the Elven Nations—
How many times have you died?
What is your best animal encounter?
There was this time I was attacked by a great eagle. You were there. I was disoriented, standing outside of a cabin, wearing leathers and furs, holding an interferometer. Do you see these wings I am wearing? Do not ask me who won.
I have always believed that working a few jobs, experiencing the world, and just really living is a better way to learn how to be a writer than attending a privileged MFA program, where they teach cowards how to write. Do you agree?
Everything you say is wrong.
Talk to me about slurry.
What is one of your all-time best ideas?
I have an idea to start a company that prints cherished works of renaissance artwork on individual sheets of paper toweling.
What’s your newest book idea?
I have an idea to tell the story of a lonely man who sets out to build a castle that is a stand-in for his loneliness. It’s a fortress representing the walls of his personality. But in the book, he only ever thinks about building this castle, and for most of the first 300 pages he is lying in bed eating pancakes.
You are crouched down behind a woodpile. Inside of the cabin, someone you love is in danger. There is a weapon inside but you can’t get to it. What do you do?
Knowing what I know, I know I will have to use fire as a distraction.
Do you think Bryce Harper, the baseball player, is a valid metaphor for the newly energized conservative movement?
In the same way that Bryce Harper is known for his athletic play and his habit of chasing down his own teammates in the outfield while they are not looking and devouring them savagely as they scream for mercy, tearing their warm flesh away from their bones using teeth that have been filed down to razor-sharp spikes as the crowd works itself into a fevered frenzy, yes.
Who are you?
I don’t know.
Why are you?
I don’t know that, either.
Patrick Somerville has written four books, and you can find out more about them at patricksomerville.com. He lives with his wife and son in Chicago. Follow him on twitter at @patrickerville.