Chapter 2: Magic Menstrual Mummies

I’d never heard of pheromones when I was ten. All I knew was that each month the large wicker basket in the bathroom on the middle floor of our chalet filled with softball sized, tightly wound wads of toilet paper. These tissue bundles were evidence that—in biblical terms—the time of Our Girls’ Monthly Uncleanness was once again upon them.

Let me explain why I’ve capitalized the words Our Girls’ Monthly Uncleanness. My late father, Francis Schaeffer, was a key founder and leader of the Religious Right. My mother, Edith, was herself a spiritual leader, not the mere power behind her man, which she also was. My parents raised me in L’Abri Fellowship, a sort of fundamentalist hippie commune before there were hippies, really not much more than a big old Swiss chalet where we, and everyone who visited for “spiritual help” and/or to “find Jesus” lived.

Mom divided everything into Very Important Things, say, Jesus, Virginity, Japanese Flower Arrangements, Lust, See-through Black Lingerie (to be enjoyed only after marriage)  Our Girls’ Monthly Uncleanness and everything else, say, those things that barely registered on my mother’s To-Do List, like home-schooling me. So I’ll be capitalizing some words oddly in here. I’m not doing this as a theological statement but as a nervous tic, a leftover from my Edith Schaeffer–shaped childhood and also to signal what Loomed Large to my mother and what still Looms Large to me…

Okay, so back to my monthly encounter. This was back in the days when a sanitary napkin was a fluffy and formidable thing—about the size and shape of a canoe. I knew God didn’t like the Menstrual Mummies because I’d heard Mom read Leviticus 15:19 in a Bible study: “When a woman has a discharge, and the discharge in her body is blood, she shall be in her menstrual impurity for seven days, and whoever touches her shall be unclean until the evening. And everything on which she lies during her menstrual impurity shall be unclean. Everything also on which she sits shall be unclean. And whoever touches her bed shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water and be unclean until the evening. And whoever touches anything on which she sits shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water and be unclean until the evening. Whether it is the bed or anything on which she sits, when he touches it he shall be unclean until the evening.”

So I never touched the Menstrual Mummies—except once. I unwrapped the tissue tethered Unclean Thing and took a smear of blood from it to study with a small microscope that a kindly L’Abri student had given me. I wanted to see the egg that Mom said was “washed out each month unless it gets fertilized by the marvelous seed.” I didn’t see an egg, but I did observe several doughnut-shaped red blood cells after I dabbed a little blood on a handy glass slide and stained it, as per the student’s instructions.

About forty years after investigating the Menstrual Mummies in the wastepaper basket, I read an article in the New York Times science section about how humans’ sense of smell triggers physical responses. The article cited the example that women who live together—for instance, in college dorms, convents, and girls’ boarding schools—tend to menstruate at the same time. I don’t know if the theory of menstrual synchrony (based on sensitivity to pheromones through smell) will stand up to the rigors of scientific inquiry, but I do know that our middle-floor chalet bathroom wastepaper basket seemed to fill and empty like some sort of metronome, keeping time with a cosmic rhythm as sure as the tides. Maybe Mom and my sisters reset the hormone “clock” of the female helpers (i.e., the cheerful, though virtual slave laborers working in return for room, board, and spiritual help), who lived in our chalet for several years at a time, as well as setting the clock for the students who stayed with us for six to ten months or so.

The nubile, yet torturously unavailable young women filled our chalet with their pheromone-perfumed presence. And, as I learned from Mom’s Bible study on Leviticus, they were monstrously defiled as they plunged into their monthly menstrual freshet. I imagined that God was right there with me, in our middle-floor chalet bathroom, brooding over the evidence of His Big Mistake: Women.

The God-Of-The-Bible is appalled by women. According to the prophet Isaiah, God will mightily punish women who overstep their divinely ordained bounds: “Moreover the Lord saith: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will lay bare their secret parts” (Isaiah 3:16–17). It seems The-God-Of-The- Bible regretted the female human He created—as an afterthought, after squirrels, sheep, whales, and everything else, according to the Bible’s most familiar story: “Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. . . . But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man” (Genesis 2:22).

I’m using this The-God-Of-The-Bible “handle” as a way to differentiate between whatever actual deity might be out there and the biblical version and caricature of that Person, Force, or Persons.

That said, when The-God-Of-The-Bible hastily made the first woman as a sort of garden-warming present for Adam, He must have carelessly botched her plumbing design. Soon after Creation, the Female Plumbing Problem began to weigh heavily on The-God- Of-The-Bible’s Mind. Women’s brimming bodily fluids—like shellfish, Canaanites, and the wearing of both wool and cotton at the same time—are among the many things that got out of hand soon after The-God-Of-The-Bible completed Creation, thus inciting His Divine Regret. So The-God-Of-The-Bible expelled the first man and woman from the Garden; He sent a Great Flood; He killed at least as many unruly beings as the numberless descendants He promised Abraham. The-God-Of-The-Bible issued countless factory recalls (my dead brother multi plied) and complex revised owner’s manual updates, replete with regulations and strict rules about how to deal with women, fix women, repair women, curb women, keep women in line, and, if need be, kill women if they didn’t keep The-God-of-the-Bible’s many Women Managing Rules.

The-God-Of-The-Bible’s Women-Management Plan is particularly focused on controlling bodily fluids. The-God-Of-The-Bible hates wetness! I can’t imagine The-God-Of-The-Bible volunteering to feed a baby, let alone doing what mothers (and some fathers and grandfathers) do when they use a spoon to scrape dribbled food off a baby’s chin and then absentmindedly lick off the spoon. I wonder if The-God-Of-The-Bible would use His Divine Spit (the way Jesus did to heal a blind man) to clean off dirt from a baby’s face. However The-God-Of-The-Bible would behave as a babysitter, I imagine He’d be squeamish if He had to take care of a young woman afflicted with her monthly cycle of menstrual impurity, or for that matter a young man afflicted with wet dreams.

I wonder how a woman is to be righteous in the eyes of The-God- Of-The-Bible when her own reproductive organs, by His Own design, defile her body and how a man is to live “correctly” when his own body’s arousal is his biggest Sin? According to orthodox Jewish rabbinical law, a woman becomes impure when she is aware that blood has come from her womb. Even if menstruation started before she sees evidence of blood, the rabbinical regulations say she’s not impure until she notices. But as soon as she notices the least stain, she becomes Unclean. However, if she finds a stain after say, cutting her finger, she does not become impure since the blood is not from her womb.

But if there is a bloodstain of uncertain origin, a woman is told to ask the assistance of her male rabbi to “help her” determine what to “do” about her “Female Uncleanness.” There’s a lot in the Bible about menstruation, and it’s all bad.

Blood isn’t the problem; just womb blood is bad. Blood squirting from countless sheep and cows dying while being slaughtered as sacrifices to The-God-Of-The-Bible is just fine. So is male mutilation: circumcision. Even better for Christians is the blood pouring from Jesus’ hands and feet. The Christian believer is encouraged to drink it, get to Heaven through it, and “claim” it! “Have you been to Jesus for the cleansing power?” ask the words of the old camp meeting hymn. “Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb? Are you fully trusting in His grace this hour? Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?”

The Bible is full of vengeful bloodshed when the righteous are vindicated by the blood of the wicked. As the Psalmist says, “The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked” (Psalm 58:10). That “triumphal” blood runs in God-Of-The-Bible-pleasing crimson rivers throughout the Scriptures—from the Slaughter of Midian right up through the Book of Revelation…

About thirty years after I stood, quivering with curiosity, peering into that wastepaper basket full of sanitary pads, my grown-up (and terrified) self crouched next to my wife, Genie, at three in the morning. She was hemorrhaging. I’d watched my three children being born. I’d seen a doctor cut her to make the passage wider when Jessica—our firstborn—was tearing her mother’s flesh as she made her way into the world.

Now on this night, after a year when Genie’s increasingly long periods became one long trial, it was as if something inside of her had broken loose. Even bath towels couldn’t soak up all the blood. I’d been squatting on the bathroom floor at her feet, watching her bleed dreadful clots that looked like slices of raw liver. I was zeroing in on them because one possibility we considered was that, long periods or not, Genie was somehow having a miscarriage. So (illogically) I studied those clots looking for little hands or feet, wildly imagining a small face staring back at me.

Genie was waxy pale, waiting to be examined by a gynecologist. There was a smear of blood on her cheek that I washed off with a paper towel. I was gingerly perching on a stainless steel stool close to a short table with stirrups. I was holding her hand.

Next to me was a plastic bag hand-labeled “Rape Kit.” We’d been stowed in a gynecology examination cubicle reserved for female emergencies like ours—and, apparently, for gathering evidence from rape victims. I surreptitiously studied that clear plastic bag without mentioning it to Genie. There was a fine-tooth comb for combing through a woman’s pubic hair to snag a rapist’s pubic hairs. There was a test tube with a Q-tip-type swab in it to absorb fluids from the next rape victim. There was a sharp plastic stick, something like an overgrown toothpick, used to scrape under the victim’s fingernails to retrieve blood or tissue from the rapist, if the victim had put up a fight and scratched her attacker. Next to the rape kit was a Polaroid camera with a handwritten label taped to it that read “Evidence Camera. Do NOT Remove from Rape Room.”

The night duty nurses kept us waiting for the doctor, a bleary eyed gynecologist (and a stranger to us since Genie’s doctor was several towns away and we’d made a beeline to the nearest emergency room) who smelled faintly of liquor. We’d waited for over two hours—plenty of time to study everything in the room twenty times over while Genie grew colder and colder. I asked for another blanket and eventually was given one that was as thin and useless as tissue paper. Genie was lying in a dingy cubbyhole dedicated to collecting evidence that proved that Vaginas make women targets. I’d been Genie’s lover since we were teens, and by that night her menstrual blood was merely another drop in the ocean of bodily fluids we’d exchanged. What had once been a very big and titillating event—evidence of women bleeding—was, after twenty years of marriage, a mundane reality to me. Life was no longer all about Forbidden Lust. Moreover, by then my loyalty was to Genie and through her to all women. Whenever I encountered Bible verses that belittled and brutalized women, I took it personally.

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FRANK SCHAEFFER is an American author, film director, screenwriter and public speaker. He is the son of the late theologian and author Francis Schaeffer. Sex, Mom and God is his most recent book.

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TNB Nonfiction features some of the web's best essays, excerpts of up-and-coming books, self-interviews, profiles, and humor from a wide range of authors. Past and future writers include Emily Rapp, Mira Bartók, Nick Flynn and Melissa Febos, among many others.  Our editorial team includes:  SETH FISCHER is the Nonfiction Editor. His work has appeared in Guernica, Joyland, Best Sex Writing, and elsewhere, and he was the first Sunday editor at The Rumpus. His nonfiction was selected as notable in The Best American Essays, and he has been awarded fellowships by Jentel, the Ucross Foundation, Lambda Literary, and elsewhere. He is also a developmental editor of nonfiction and fiction, and he teaches at Antioch University Los Angeles, UCLA-Extension, and Writing Workshops Los Angeles.

2 responses to “Excerpt from Sex, Mom and God, by Frank Schaeffer”

  1. hier gehts weiter…

    […]TNB Nonfiction | Excerpt from Sex, Mom and God: How the Bible’s Strange Take on Sex Led to Crazy Politics—and How I Learned to Love Women (and Jesus) Anyway, by Frank Schaeffer | The Nervous Breakdown[…]…

  2. Markham Lee says:

    This was brilliant; I hope your wife is okay.

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