March 12, 2007
Something happened to my sex drive, just the other day,
It up and stole the car keys, then it fucking drove away.
I screamed, I yelled and chased it as it sped along the road,
But it just flipped the bird at me and never even slowed.
I trudged back home, bereft, alone, bewildered and ashamed,
My head was filled with desperate plans for sexiness reclaimed.
I stayed up all night, the next night too, and jumped at every sound,
I imagined my libido, lost, was speeding homeward bound.
A week did pass and I confess, I rang the damn police,
They weren’t much help to me at all, they offered me no peace.
I put adverts on the lamp-posts and signs on all the trees,
I had the local paper print up “Sex Drive? Call me please?!”
The weeks they passed without a sign, and I gave up the hunt,
I realized that my sex-drive was a righteous bitch-ass c**t.
Now I don’t want it back at all, and I will be a nun,
If it comes back I’ll shoot it with my brand new loaded gun.
And so I say goodbye to sex, goodbye to love and all that crap,
Next time I feel a tingle I’ll just give myself a slap.