Let’s start with the Twitter advice for you, since the majority of you fit into that category. If you’re Johnny Depp or Mary Lynn Rajskub, you can skip to the relevant section.

Scenario: You are you. You’re on Twitter. You’re not totally lost, but you still aren’t sure why you’re there.

Well don’t worry. Because Twitter is a site where people type what they’re doing into the Internet and then nobody reads it because nobody cares.

I mean, seriously. Or at least, that’s 99% of the traffic there*.

The other 1% are the people who say something interesting once in a while. This will hopefully be you, by the way. Let’s look at some examples.

A boring Twitter post:

Saw a movie.

Still boring, but at least it’s more specific:

Saw the new Terminator movie.

Still boring, but at least making an attempt to share a valid thought or opinion:

Saw the new Terminator and thought it was boring.

And now, something somewhat better:

Saw the new Terminator. Why was Christian Bale fighting on the side of the humans?

And so on. Look, I thought of some great examples but I’m saving them for my updates, because of course I’m on Twitter.

But you get the idea: Unless you’re already famous, you can’t afford to be boring. Well, I mean, you CAN afford to be boring, since Twitter is free, but if you are using Twitter in some kind of hope that others read your posts, it’s not in your best interest to be boring.

It helps to understand where true social networking success comes from. While the majority of social networking is indeed primarily typing text into textboxes and clicking a button, the success comes from what you type, not from having typed something. It’s quality that makes the grade, not your mad skillz at entering stuff into textboxes and clicking Submit.

Okay, got it? Pretty simple, really. Let the world be interesting.

Scenario: You’re Johnny Depp. Everyone knows you as someone who is always doing something strange or crazy or amazing.

On Twitter, then, you should be boring. This works because no one on the planet can imagine you doing something boring. Thus, a Twitter post equivalent to Put on shoes = OMG LOL Johnny Depp put on his shoes!!!11!!!  LMAO!!!11!!1!!

I mean, seriously, Johnny Depp could never put on his shoes–that would be insane!

Scenario: You’re Mary Lynn Rajskub. Truth be told, you can do whatever you want. I’ll still follow you.

*Statistic not actually gathered from anywhere or valid.

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AARON DIETZ is the author of Super, a novel from Emergency Press about commitment, crisis, paperwork, and heartbreak. Dietz's super powers include a high metabolism and the ability to put things back where he got them. He's also pretty good at math. As an instructional designer, Dietz has written online high school courses on computer programming, green design, and 3-D video game creation. It’s natural for him to write quizzes. He’s worked a decade in libraries. He’s also been paid to count traffic and once failed a personality test. Dietz writes for TheNervousBreakdown.com, blogs at aarondietz.us, and is an advisory editor of KNOCK Magazine.

One response to “Twitter Advice for Johnny Depp, Mary Lynn Rajskub, and You”

  1. Kandra Mathe says:

    Johnny Depp is a fabulous actor, he can make you feel laugh, excite, nervous and most he can make you feel in love. Captain Jack Sparrow’

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