On December 6, 2020, Megan Boyle, Juliet Escoria, and Joseph Grantham liveblogged in solidarity. This took place exactly 212 days after the last time they liveblogged in solidarity. Here are their days:
DEC. 6, 2020
~9:30 am: had a thought/dream about a terrarium/geode that was the size of a large marble but when you opened it up, it was much bigger. In the thought/dream, that was how things worked: things are bigger on the inside. I guess that’s not a lie since my intestines are like 600 miles long but I am only 5’4.75”. (when I googled, the answer to how long intestines are was inconsistent but it was about 15’, less than I thought, disappointing)
Phone was “popping off” with joey and megan texting about the liveblarg. Went to pee, put my sleep mask on so I could go back to zzzzzzzzland.
~11:30am: woke up for real. Responded to texts, stared at phone. Felt excited to get up and do liveblarg, which is good because yesterday I felt very very bad and not excited about much of anything. Went upstairs, made coffee, took dog out to pee, got work area ready downstairs, etc. It is pretty today, sunny and a little cold. Also ate a large brownie from brownie batch I had made yesterday. It is currently 12:10pm. I have my SAD lamp on. Both Scott and I are now SAD lamp users. SAD lamps rule. Going to work on this story that I absolutely and completely hated yesterday. Hopefully I do not have hate for it today.
1:15pm: seems like a good time to stop writing. I didn’t completely hate it today. I am in the exact same place in the semester as the last liveblog: no more classes, just lots of grading, dipping my toe back into writing. My allergies are insane today and I keep sneezing and snotting all over the place. I took a Zyrtec. I seem to have become allergic to the world and it’s very annoying. I’ve had multiple weird allergic reactions since Covid: my eyelid turned bright red for no reason and stayed that way. I finally went to the eye doctor and he seemed perplexed and gave me steroid eye drops and told me to buy special eye wipes and artificial tears and it eventually stopped being red. And then I have what I’m pretty sure is just eczema but I was afraid was “Covid toes” on my foot and it was awful but I took expired Prednisone for a couple nights (this was this past Th & Fri) and it’s gotten a lot better. God bless steroids. They’re like antipsychotics but for allergic reactions, telling your body “hey just chill the f out for a second ok buddy.” Prednisone makes me sweat a lot in my sleep in a way that feels dramatic and a little exciting. (added this last sentence in later, after joey and megan texted, saying their liveblogs mentioned sweating.)
I need to do some grading now and I really don’t want to. Zoom school is very stupid and this was the hardest semester I’ve had… ever, maybe. I want to be generous and understanding to my students because Zoom school is hard for them too but at this point it’s very hard to be generous and I feel like this: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
2:13: I did the grading until my soul felt a little crushed. Also messaged some with Joey & Megan, Chelsea & Elle. I shall now get dressed and walk the dog. Scott has been walking the dog pretty much every day and we both agreed yesterday that he’s sick of it and that I will walk the dog more for the next week. (He voluntarily walks the dog most every day to get out of the house, which is fine with me because it means I have more time to do yoga and the elliptical/weights, which are my preferred methods of exercise, much more efficient than walking. But yeah he seems really sick of it, time for me to take over.)
Just saved liveblarg. Last one was May 8, feels like so long ago. Seven months. When the covids no longer felt fresh but looking back it was still but a wee spring chicken. Who woulda thunk it? that seven months later I’d still be existing in pajamas sitting at home seeing nobody? what a world.
2:23: ok I edited this some and am now getting up for real to get dressed.
2:42: I am dressed now. I feel like whenever it is a new season I have no idea
what is appropriate for the temperature. I’ve living in a place with weather for 9.5 years of my life and you’d think I’d have it figured out by now. It is 41 degrees today and I put on a tank top, a long sleeve shirt, and a fleece. I put on some makeup too for no reason—I feel less scrubby when I wear makeup – foundation and blush and eyebrows and mascara, and also I noticed some of my plants looked a little thirsty so I watered them and I felt a little hungry so I ate a bar. Going to the track now and I don’t know if I’d rather walk in the woods (behind the track) or on the track itself so it’ll be a fun surprise for myself when I get there!!!!!!!!
3:27: I am back from the walk. I dressed adequately for the weather and I walked around the track. On the way there I saw an old man walking in front of the armory, bent over as he walked, in a way that looked very uncomfortable, wearing a mask even though nobody was around. I tried to take his picture and felt a little guilty about it because he’s probably trying to work out some health problems or whatever by walking and doesn’t need an asshole like me taking his picture. But it was interesting looking, an interesting sight. He is not bent over very far in this picture.
The armory is also called the convention center. I’ve been to the armory for:
-A book sale that I went to with Joey
-My school’s graduation
-Yelling at Don Blankenship
-I feel like I went here at some other point but I don’t remember what it was
I will now use this opportunity to discuss yelling at Don Blankenship, one of the prouder moments of my life. Don Blankenship is a coal baron who went to prison for negligence for an accident that killed 29 miners in 2010. He ran for senate in 2018 (and as a write-in candidate for president in 2020) and this outraged me. He came to speak at the armory in Beckley as a part of his campaign. At the time, I was doing work with the local chapter of the Women’s March so we decided to go and make it un-fun for him. We listened to his batshit crazy presentation, where he claimed he wasn’t responsible for the accident etc., and then when it was time for Q&A, I raised my hand first thing and asked him, “How stupid do you think West Virginians are?” and said some other things and the other Women’s March people said some things and some people we didn’t know said some things and we successfully derailed his event. Afterward, I talked to a reporter about why I thought Don Blankenship was evil and Scott’s parents saw me on the news that evening.
Anyway. Also on the way to the track, I saw that the scary gas station near our house was being torn down, which made me sad, even though it’s scary. (It’s scary because of the clientele, the clientele aren’t exactly shiny happy people.) The walk itself was nice, in the cold sunshine, the cold air in my lungs, and unremarkable.
Don Blankenship also has the most insane campaign ad of all time, truly a work of art. I have made many people watch this video, including joey and megan.
3:55pm: We (Scott & I) are doing a podcast tonight, Lindsay Hunter and Alex Higley’s new podcast. We’re supposed to read a short excerpt so I picked something out and also went into a brief Don Blankenship internet black hole.
When Lindsay asked us to do the podcast, Scott didn’t want to do it (because he doesn’t like participating, in general) and I did and I started an argument where I was unreasonable and incapable of articulating why I was angry. Finally I was able to understand why I was mad—I wanted to do it because it seemed fun, like something different, and everything feels the same. I apologized for being unreasonable and Scott agreed to do it. So now at 8:30pm tonight we will do the podcast.
I don’t really know what to do with myself now… I am a bit concerned about how I will handle myself over break, besides getting writing done. usually over Christmas break we go to California but this year there will be no California and I don’t do well with lots of free time but it’s not good to worry about things in advance so I’m going to try and not worry…….. I have a lot of unwrapped Christmas gifts… guess I will go wrap some of them and watch TV for a while……..
5:06pm: I wrapped gifts for exactly one episode of Friday Night Lights and now the unwrapped gift pile in the basement is slightly less intimidating. Having kids in your life means you have to do so much more gift wrapping!!
I like to have a dumb show to watch and I ran out of dumb shows so last night I started watching Friday Night Lights. The “arty” angles are funny to me, like here is a blurry shot of the back of somebody’s neck. Feels very 2006-ish. My roommates used to watch Friday Night Lights when I lived in Brooklyn and I thought they were weird, yet here I am, nearly a decade later, watching Friday Night Lights.
Scott came home in the middle of my gift wrapping from the grocery store—he went out to get his soda and more of this Kroger-brand green salsa that we can’t stop eating and he said Beckley is very empty right now but Kroger was very crowded.
I have a very big hankering for a burger so imma order us some Five Guys and go pick it up in a sec. We are still eating vegan/veg during the week so red meat is extra delicious!!!!!!!!!!! I love flesh!!!!!!
5:51: we ate the dinner and the flesh was very tasty. There were people eating inside the Five Guys and people eating inside the Dickey’s next to the Five Guys and it’s so confusing to me. Like, you want to eat inside a Five Guys so bad that you’ll risk your life? Okay….
I watched a couple inside the Dickey’s as I waited for my order to be ready. I watched the guy blow his nose at the table and then he finished eating and stared at his phone while the girl continued eating so like… you’re not even enjoying each other’s company. What a world!
Feel like this liveblog is significantly more boring than the May liveblog but I guess that’s fine, I guess it’s a historical document, showing how fucking boring covid is.
My friend Sunny messaged my San Diego pals group chat and said her dad Marty got a Twitter account just to yell at Trump and Giuliani and Giuliani blocked him but Trump has not. I also learned that rudy got the ‘vid haha
5:59: I’m cold
6:19: feeling lazy and watching a baking show. Ordered fancy food coloring because I want to make an insane amount of macarons for Christmas and it is hard to get things a true red without fancy food coloring. the more u know
6:38: I took a shower. I am now going to have a reading party in the living room. A reading party is where you sit around and read. I’m reading The Horseman on the Roof by Jean Giono, which Scott just read and said was great and like a great 19th century novel but published in 1951. He’s right, it’s great. When I first started reading it I couldn’t stop admiring the sentences, they are so clean and pretty, and Scott and I both made fun of me for sounding like somebody with an MFA who wouldn’t stop talking about “the sentences.” It’s not my fault, though! It’s not my fault that I love pretty sentences!
The book is about a man named Angelo who is on a journey through the French countryside and you don’t know where he’s going or why he’s on the journey. There is a cholera outbreak while he’s on the journey and many horrible things happen. Cholera is the disease with the greatest disparity between what it sounds like (sexy) and what it is (disgusting). Cholera seems way worse than covid. No thank you!!!!
Facts about Cholera:
-It’s caused by bacteria often found on shellfish
-It took people a while to understand it was spread by water, not the air
-Humans are the only animal to get sick from the bacteria
-People with cholera can have 3-5 gallons of diarrhea per day if left untreated
-The vomit/diarrhea looks like rice pudding because the body is so dehydrated, this is from the intestinal lining
-Scientists predict that rising sea levels will cause increased cholera outbreaks in the future.
That last one reminds me of a mystery I have wondered about: why haven’t I seen a bunch of environmentalists discussing the environment and its impacts on pandemics? Meat consumption, global warming, people moving into areas that were previously wild, overuse of antibiotics—all of this stuff increases the likelihood of future pandemics. Why aren’t people ranting about this? Now is the perfect time to act! Pandemics suck! We’re going to have more of them unless we change our evil ways!!!!
What if my true calling is to raise alarms about the environment and pandemics, that’d suck, hope that’s not my true calling.
Scott just asked me if we are going to do the podcast at separate computers because he’s embarrassed to read in front of me but that it’s OK. I told him I could close my eyes.
Twenty minutes have passed of me typing this and editing the earlier parts
Ok reading party time
8:13: angelo made it to the roof. The title is literal—angelo, the horseman, is on a roof for an extended period of time. many more horrible things happened to angelo. He had to eat some raw eggs to quench his thirst. Many people died. I am going to get some things ready for the podcast: get my laptop charger, login to zoom zoom, fill up water. Also eat a mandarin orange thing.
8:24: Scott and I stood in the kitchen and ate mandarins together. While we waited for it to turn 8:30, we discussed oliver martinez’s romantic partners. Oliver Martinez played Angelo in the 1995 adaptation of the book lol
11:50pm: We did the podcast, it was fun. Lindsay is a good human and I didn’t know Alex previously but he seems like a good human too and it felt like a whoosh of air to my brain to talk to different people. We discussed rice pudding cholera diarrhea during the podcast.
Then we watched the next Steve McQueen Small Axe movie, Red, White, and Blue. It was really good—the whole Small Axe thing is really exciting to me. In general, I think the whole streaming/comic book effect of movies has been bad but this makes me feel excited and good, that a great director can be allowed to make 5 related movies, that seems like… bold to me.
Now we are watching a documentary about the Go-Go’s. We currently have Showtime because we wanted to watch Good Lord Bird and a few other things and it turns out Showtime is kind of awesome right now, lots of rock documentaries and an Erroll Morris documentary about Timothy Leary’s wife etc. Showtime: worth the money, you heard it here first. One of the Go-Go’s is talking about her suicide attempt at fifteen.
12:09am: the go-go’s seem like bad people.
Texting with joey and megan about liveblog and how their days went. Dear reader, you shall find out how they went by reading them!
12:28am: Belinda is talking about karma
I kind of believe in karma but I really hate it when people talk about it, MAKES ME SICK
12:31am: the movie is over.
Tomorrow we’re going to watch a documentary about Duran Duran. Last night we watched one about David Bowie.
Scott and I made a pact that we wouldn’t go to bed too late over Christmas break, that we were allowed to stay up late on the weekends but that’s it. This means we should go to bed now. I wonder if we will. I don’t want to.
We decided we’d watch the GG Allin doc tomorrow night instead, Duran Duran for Tuesday.
12:35am: I asked to watch the SNL clip of Pete Davidson doing Stan from last night. Then we agreed to go to bed.
Except we saw a funny looking clip of an old SNL clip and started watching that first
This happens to us sometimes, we end up watching too many old SNL clips and stay up too late
We decided we could go to bed at 1
Man that SNL skit was bad
12:58am: ok time for bed!!!!!!!!!!
1:14am: I took my medicine and wrote “see Liveblog” in my diary. The medicine will make me fall asleep in about an hour. I will read about Angelo some more until then. Goodnight, Liveblog.
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DEC. 6, 2020
7:27am: went to sleep last night around 11:20pm. we watched the last two episodes of the Good Lord Bird and then i read in bed for a little bit and then we went to sleep. last night i carried possum to the bathroom to put him away while we ate and he suddenly jerked and jumped out of my arms and one of his back claws dug deep into my pinky and ripped a line in it. i was irrationally mad at possum for a little bit because it really hurt my finger when he did that. then i was embarrassed because it’s always a little bit humiliating to get mad at an animal. unless it’s a bear that’s mauling your face off or a shark that’s biting your leg off. this was a cat who just needed his nails clipped. i’m thinking about this right now in the kitchen while i wait for the water to boil so i can make coffee so i can drink it so i can not be tired at work. i still work at a bookstore and i’m working at 8:30 this morning. i was going to use this space to complain about some of the rude customers i’ve encountered recently but now i don’t feel interested in that.
7:34am: scrolled through instagram saw a picture of a new tired dad with a baby and the caption was about being tired and i thought ‘i wonder if people have babies so that they have an excuse to talk about how tired they are’ which is not something i really believe but more just an example of how scrolling through instagram makes me cynical and makes me resent kind people for no reason.
7:39am: when you die you go to heaven and chris hanson from dateline stands before the pearly gates and says ‘now why are you here?’ [not because you’re a cold predator, just because this is chris hanson’s job, he asks this of everyone, he’s the bouncer of heaven, just stay with me folks] and you say ‘uhh’ because you’re new to being dead and you’re new to heaven and then he reads from transcripts of your shitty prayers where you pray to god that you don’t have cancer or a brain aneurysm and chris embarrasses you in front of all the angels and then you decide ‘fuck this, i don’t want to be here’ and you run away from the pearly gates and some angels tackle you and make you sign something that says you’ll allow god to put you on tv in a segment on his show where he makes fun of newcomers to heaven and their prayers from when they were alive okay i’m done with this
7:41am: i’m texting with my dad who is awake right now in california for some reason (it’s 4:41am there!)
7:42am: ashleigh is in the kitchen with me now. she came in singing the theme song to the Good Lord Bird and we laughed because i always get out of bed and dance like i’m in a gospel choir when that theme song comes on the tv. then she petted possum and i asked her if she thought possum was ‘a child of god’
7:55am: forgot to mention that i fed the cats this morning. ashleigh doesn’t want me to give tammy kibble because she wants tammy to slim up a little bit. so tammy only gets her rachel ray wet food and possum gets his pate and i am eating peanut butter toast at the kitchen table with my coffee. i can heat ashleigh watching a pbs documentary in the bedroom. i yelled ‘WHAT IS THAT ASH’ and she yelled back ‘a pbs doc about john brown!’
8:05am: read on the toilet. i’m reading ‘professor andersen’s night’ by dag solstad. the scene i was reading on the toilet took place in a japanese restaurant. two men eating sushi. one of the men was worried he wouldn’t be able to use the chopsticks correctly because he was nervous because he knew the man sitting next to him had murdered someone and he only knew this because he’d seen it happen because the man next to him happens to be his neighbor (they live across the street from each other and can see into each other’s apartments).
9:26am: forgot i was liveblogging. got caught up in working the cash register. before that…i drove to work, listened to a podcast where a group of guys talked about stuff, ideas and such. it’s cold in baltimore. got to work 4 minutes late. put on quiet ethiopiques vol. 21 album. used the bathroom. wrapped christmas presents for my parents. we have nice wrapping paper here and it is free for me. this is my little life. right now from 9am to 2pm we do private browsing appointments at the store due to corona, and then from 2pm to 7pm it’s fair game, wild west corona browsing (six people in the store). i am writing all of this on my phone and it looks like i am furiously texting. this could get me into trouble with the head honchos. a nice german couple came in and browsed. i wanted to ask them where they were from but i didn’t because that seems annoying. i just let them be, i let them live their german lives without my american interruptions. i assumed they were german. when you assume, you make a german out of you and me.
10:19am: when i get bored, i hand sanitize and feel the burn in my pinky where possum tore into me. texted with megan about posting our liveblogs on The Nervous Breakdown. she said ‘hell yeah duderino’ and i replied ‘thank you duderina’
10:23am: told brad listi that The Nervous Breakdown site appears to be down.
10:31am: walked by coworker outside while trying to find a book for my sister for christmas and coworker looked at me and smiled and let out a ‘psssft’ of air and i glanced quickly at coworker and then away and then went back to the register saying nothing to coworker. no hard feelings, just didn’t know what to say to ‘psssft’
12:40pm: still at the register, been here since 8:30, sweating, moving around quite a bit actually, wearing too many layers.
1:48pm: got older coworker shirley to cover the register. drove to whole foods to buy vegan slice of pizza. accidentally cut line of express customers. customers gave me look like ‘this fucking guy’ but then a guy buying a bunch of tomato sauce let me cut him because he saw i was just buying a slice of pizza. everything in whole foods feels frantic. a man with a walkin talkie is managing the line. feels like the end of the world in here. very serious in here. in my car now, going to scarf the pizza. scarf scarf.
1:53pm: someone is watching me eat the pizza and it’s embarrassing. bits keep falling out of my mouth. texting with julia and megan.
2:01pm: going back into work to rescue shirley.
3:38pm: wow. just got home. pumped 11 dollars worth of gas into the car and i’m home. ashleigh is on the phone with a grad school mentor of hers. i need to wash my hands. peed dark urine into toilet. dehydrated urine. thought ‘look at this dark and brooding urine, so deep and mysterious’
3:49pm: listened to ashleigh talk to her mentor about how ‘ottessa moshfegh is a better short story writer than a novelist.’ and then she told some story about meeting some bob dylan lookalike on a plane and he was reading infinite jest and she gave him her VICE magazine fiction issue so he could read the ottessa moshfegh story. and how romantic it all was. i don’t like the sound of this story. i hate listening to people talk on the phone. one side of a conversation. i read somewhere that it’s actually more distracting for your brain to hear one side of a conversation because it keeps trying to figure out what the other part is, it keeps trying to put it together for you. and i don’t like ottessa moshfegh’s stories.
4:25pm: looking at my phone. looking at the nfl football scores. rubbed neosporin on my possum scratch.
4:53pm: read and edited writing for The Nervous Breakdown. ashleigh is still on the phone. she wanted to go grocery shopping when i got home from work but i don’t want to do that anymore.
7:08pm: I watched the fourth episode of a Ronald Reagan documentary on Showtime with Ashleigh. I’m now using the voice text thing on my phone. We ate black bean soup for supper and Ashleigh ordered two little pizzas from this fast food sort of college kids pizza place around the corner called And Pizza. Ashleigh and I lay down on the bed together and made a video where we both whispered to the camera I love you and then we each did our own names for example she said I love you Ashleigh and I said I love you Joey to the camera. I don’t know why we did this but it was funny then I told Ashleigh “I’ve been live blogging with Megan and Julia today but I haven’t really done much or said much“ and Ashleigh said “Well you been workin all day!“
7:11pm: I confronted Ashleigh about the Bob Dylan guy on the plane and made sure she didn’t love him more than she loves me but I did hear that she said he lives in Denver now so if she ever says she’s going to Denver I better worry a little bit she’s listening to me while I do this voice to text thing on my phone and she heard what I just said and she laughed. i should clarify that the bob dylan guy story was about a guy she met before she knew me. i should clarify this. for the record. i want this on the record. good. thank you.
8:41pm: did 60 pushups, working my way up to the 120 i used to do everyday before i hurt my shoulder. the number is arbitrary. read dag solstad while standing in the living room after pushups. in the bathroom earlier it dawned on me that i keep forgetting i’m liveblogging today. and after the pushups i remembered to write down that i did the pushups. guess i wanted you to know about my pushups. the pushups i do in baltimore. these are my baltimore maryland pushups. they happen in my apartment.
9:18pm: accidentally clicked the trash button on my notes and my liveblog disappeared and went into the trash. i ‘recovered’ it so no worries, but it seems too easy to delete a note. i’m reading in bed and ashleigh is next to me typing an email on her google chromebook and the clicking of her keys on her keyboard is bothering me. it’s like reverse ASMR to me. ugh, it really bothers me. i almost said ‘it’s driving me insane’ but that would absolutely be an overstatement and would kind of just be me farting hyperbole out of my mouth. i paused my reading to type this into my phone. our apartment is very cold but we have a space heater that we use in the bedroom and so the bedroom is very warm. we used to use the electric heating that came with the apartment but it made electricity bills cost hundreds of dollars and so we discovered that the space heater costs us almost nothing to use even though we use it often. this is a little tidbit for my fiscally conservative friends.
12:04am: ashleigh fell asleep and snored lightly next to me. tammy keeps crying so i gave her some dry food and i went and sat on the couch and took the space heater with me and spent an hour or more reading the last ten pages of the solstad novel. tammy kept crying throughout and it was annoying, i don’t know what she wanted. feel like a bad cat father. feel like posting a picture of myself and tammy in a diaper and saying ‘gosh i’m tired.’ i finished the novel and it ended with the main character deciding to take a bath and i am going to go take a bath now too. i am going to brush my teeth and take a bath and then go to sleep.
12:09am: read over my liveblog and realized i talked shit about ashleigh a lot. i love you ashleigh, i’m sorry i left out the funny parts of our day and only included the parts where i heard you on the phone and heard you typing into your computer. eyes feel dry and sticky. i left out a lot of good stuff today. texted with julia and megan about how last time i liveblogged i was unemployed and could devote all my brain energies to it and this time work consumed much of my powers. i left out a nice little phone call i had with my dad. just forgot to include it. things like that.
12:40am: in the bath right now. thought ‘i wonder how many people i know would feel depressed if they woke up as joseph grantham?’
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DEC. 6, 2020
12:40am: going to get ready for sleep now, just finished watching melancholia. Blake left room as I started typing this but in a way unrelated to my typing. The music in the movie was really loud but the people talked like asmr and other things were slow and it made me sleepy. I kept thinking of how I saw it in 2011, in a DC theater, alone and on Xanax after a breakup; things that have changed in my life since then, things that haven’t, emotionally considering how I saw the world then vs. where I am now, etc
12:42am: currently in the sweet spot of a relationship where we fart in front of each other and are beginning to stop apologizing for the farts
Said ‘I’m liveblogging right now’ to Blake who just re-entered sunroom
Blake said ‘uh oh,’ and I laughed a little. He said ‘are y’all starting that tomorrow?’ I said ‘I’m starting it right now’ and he said ‘watch out’
12;44am: just heard Blake sing ‘the world is a vampire’ in the kitchen
We were making comments during the movie about how melancholia is like melon collie and the infinite sadness, it’s also in 2 parts like melon collie, Kirsten dunst looks like Billy corgan and d’arcy, Charlotte Gainsbourg looks like James iha etc
12:45am: I’m going to text the gang and then get ready for beddy by very tired
5;47am: woke up dream about
9:09am: looked at phone, wondered if there would be texts
9:22am: now sitting at desk. it’s 39 degrees outside and probably in the upper 50’s in my apartment. that sentence felt hard to write, i have ‘heavy sleep head’ still.
9:26am: after ‘now sitting at desk,’ i started typing more and then deleted it, and at 9:26am i decided i like the idea of minimally editing today and adding timestamps when i look at the time
9:27am: i’m really cold, i’m going to get a blanket haha
okay i did
wow that didn’t even take one minute, still 9:27
9:28am: okay, now i’m ready to tell you all about what’s happened so far this morning. i closed my eyes again after i looked at my phone. enjoyed ‘basking in the afterglow’ of some images from my dream so much that i thought there would be no way i would forget the dream, but with every thought oriented towards the day ahead, the dream faded more. had a similar experience with the dream when i woke ~5am too. have this experience a lot
noted that i felt more tired than normal, when waking. i’ve been sick with a cold, i think, since last week sometime, and my baseline feeling is of sluggishness/heavy head/light dizziness. i haven’t been exercising and yesterday i got a little ‘body insecure’ and felt vulnerable for saying stuff about it around blake, who is very supportive and loving and encouraging. was aware of my body because i have been sleeping nude lately. usually i wake on my left side, facing the gold bedside floor lamp, the top of which is a reflective bowl-shape that allows you to see a wide view of maybe 30% of my room, and i had removed most of the covers on me. so. there was the body. passively thought ‘i look better than i thought i did…i’m okay’ at my reflection
the sun was very bright and the quality of light reminded me of december 2003, when i was living in philadelphia and going to uarts. this happened yesterday too. i hadn’t thought of that period in a long time. i lived with four girls in a two-bedroom apartment. yesterday when i told this to blake, he asked me about what i was doing during that time, and i said something like ‘i was going to acting school and had one class where i had do ‘actual work’ and write papers, which i didn’t like back then, but i learned about the quay brothers and mishima. i also would go to this little grocery store to buy edy’s soft-churned ice cream and hot pockets, and it was there that i learned…about…and i was charmed, about…how you can get $20 back, when you pay for things with a debit card.’ blake seemed confused–he was doing something on his computer and i felt guilty for what i then realized might’ve been ‘interrupting’ him, think he wasn’t expecting so many words in response to his question–but he asked me to clarify what ‘getting $20 back’ meant. i said ‘oh, just, i just thought it was really cool: if you use a debit card to pay, the machine will ask you if you want 10, 20, 30, or 40 back in cash. so. i would buy ice cream, and then get money, it…the idea charmed me. getting ‘paid’ to buy ice cream.’ he laughed a little and said ‘oh, i see.’
9:39am: joey just texted juliet and i, ‘can i put these on TNB tomorrow?
when we are done?
no worries if not
i just haven’t put anything there in a while and think these are good’
i texted, from my desktop, ‘Hell yeah duderino’ and joey said ‘thank you duderina’
i said, ‘That is going in mine heh heh’
i was…going off…surprised myself with ‘righteous,’ then ran with it…
9:49am: texting a little with joey in group chat. he has pooped twice so far, and decided whoever poops the most today wins. he is at work right now. i said it’s fun to poop at work because you’re getting paid to poop
9:51am: blake coming in room in his blanket
‘nope nope removed delete’
kisses my head, ‘he deletes himself!’
we embraced and said silly things in third person about me liveblogging; noticed blake had started saying more ‘nonsense’ things and i said, semi-laughing, ‘i’ll never be able to remember this!’ he said ‘that’s the idea [devious laugh] [something about ‘begotten’]’
think there was some more ‘tender kissing’ around here. i asked him if it was okay if i referred to him by his name, and told him joey wants to put the liveblogs on tnb, and he said it was fine.
blake said something about his ‘gross morning breath,’ which i said i liked, and he said ‘i know you do’ in a tone between matter-of-factly and incredulously. felt warm things, followed him to the fridge where we stood and hugged/kissed a little more, talked about the morning. i have been wearing my ‘blue light reduction’ glasses (he ordered us two pairs of identical-except-for-color glasses, mine are clear-pink and his are clear). blake said he slept a lot better than usual, from the glasses, he thought, and also from my suggestion that he say something like this to the part of his brain that can’t stop thinking at night: ‘hey buddy, can you just leave me alone for now? you’ll be able to work better tomorrow if you let me sleep.’ i was very happy to hear both things…i feel like, a…desire…that i need to keep in check…about helping blake sleep better, because sleeping regularly is one of my biggest ‘life improvement’ factors. but what works for me doesn’t have to work for everyone; we all have our own path…to do stuff…yeah
he went back to bedroom and i’m sitting at desk again
9:55am: feeling energized and bubbly from blake interlude. i told him the other day that my favorite part of the day is when he comes to see me in the morning, nude except for his white blanket, which is usually draped around his head and torso like e.t., and we say our little ‘good mornings’ and kiss and cuddle a little bit
9:58am: blake emerged from bedroom and filled a glass with water, walked towards me saying ‘i wonder if it’s cold.’ i said ‘yeah, it’s 39 degrees.’ he said ‘nooo, bloy! bloy!’ and turned around, walked back to bedroom. he goes for runs in the morning on sundays, ‘to get it over with,’ so he can relax and watch ‘red zone’ all day (‘red zone’ is ten hours long, i think; it’s a commercial-free reporting of the most exciting moments of every football game currently happening…usually eight games at a time, i think). this is a new sunday tradition for me…football…blake will watch football and i’ll do my own thing, and we’ll eat dinner together and sometimes watch the eric andre show or other funny shows or read in the evening
10:02am: wow he’s already ready for running, came out of bedroom in his running clothes
just heard him groan, ape-like, from bedroom
he said ‘we gotta do laundry mang’
10:03am: when he approached, on his way out the door, i said ‘he said, ‘we gotta do laundry, mang’’ and he laughed and leaned down to kiss me. ‘sosquallos,’ he said in a vague accent, and i repeated it
10:05am: he just stopped to wave at me through the window, from the spiral staircase
waved back, blew kisses
and off he goes
10:06am: feeling really happy and full. aware of feeling it…typing it…is making me aware of the feeling, i think
i changed my mind about the minimally editing/‘typing time every time i notice time’ format: it makes more sense to me to go back and flesh out a few areas i’ve already typed than to keep relentlessly adding new times. you won’t know the difference, if you’re reading this…you will have already read the things i fleshed out
i’m now trying ‘desperately’ to quit vaping
desperately is in quotes because i’ve been trying to quit for maybe a year and a half, but it’s hard, because i like flavor tastes and i like nicotine, and so i’ve never really wanted to quit. something about the struggle of continuously being in a state of ‘quitting vaping’ makes me doubt the desperation of my attempt to follow through with another quitting attempt, even though this new one was prompted by some raised stakes
here are the recently raised stakes:
last week, i had a coughing fit where it was a generally dry cough, but phlegm was coming up from my lungs, enough so that i thought i would vomit and i felt like i couldn’t breathe. i stood over the kitchen sink and just like…intensely drooled and spitting the drool, expecting vomit between coughing bursts, waiting for the fit to be over. still felt restricted airflow when i stopped coughing. i thought i might have covid, because i also felt nauseated and dizzy and nasally congested, but i haven’t had a fever yet. blake ran out to cvs and got me some liquid cold medicine and a gatorade. i have been ‘taking it easy’ ever since. on thursday i got tested for covid. the people said they would call me on saturday with the result. i still haven’t heard from them, which i take as a good sign…like, they probably call the people who tested positive first? i don’t know. but.
damn this is boring, to type about. also a little embarrassing…typing about vaping…
i’ve concluded that my ‘sickness’ might just be negative side effects of vaping
when i told this to my therapist on friday, she said she thought i really needed to stop vaping…she was like…hahaha nevermind
yeah, vaping is embarrassing
she kind of shamed me for it…in a good way…i had told her i vaped before, but she didn’t remember. it was like, a big thing, for her…that i did it…she thinks it’s worse than cigarettes, for your body
yesterday i significantly cut it down. i have two devices that i recharge about two or three times each, daily. but i only used one yesterday…only one charging session required…but, still, let’s not give me too many ‘good job’ points for that
wanna cut this out
10:37am: going to get some coffee and moisturize face and brush teeth and apply deodorant
10:46am: okay i did all of that, plus peed, plus brushed hair, plus made fresh coffee, plus took a b-vitamin
i realized we were all out of almondmilk yogurt (what i usually eat in the morning), and had idea to make smoothie for blake and i instead
blake returned from his run just as i was walking to update this
i pointed to the 10:37am update and read it aloud, changing it to first person past tense, and he was smiling and looked wet and like how he looks ‘post-run’
asked him if he wanted a smoothie and he does
10:52am: hahahahah oh man i’m remembering now how…typing about all of this slows down the actual doing of the things. this is fun.
just heard ‘heyl yeah binsh, heyl yehuh’ from shower
10:53am: okay off i go to smoothie land
11:04am: now drinking my half of smoothie
it looked like this before it was blended:
here is what it is, in the order of what was added to blender first:
2 room temperature bananas
maybe .25 cup sprouted cashews
2 large handfuls greens
1 squirt vanilla extract
1 sprinkle cinnamon
a handful and a half of frozen banana
maybe 1 cup frozen berries
1 sprinkle salt
as i was blending it, blake asked what this one was called. i was distracted and said ‘george.’ he said ‘george?’ i said ‘uh…this one is a modified ‘least you can do’ with a banana nut addition.’ he said something indicating he’d heard
when i handed it to him i said ‘i think it’s more like ‘the most you can do’’
i was a little lazy with the cashews, though. i wanted to make cashew milk to add to the smoothie but thought it’d take too long (even though it takes less than five minutes), so i just used a little portion of the nuts i’ll eventually use for the milk
‘nut’ and ‘milk’ together are so…lol
you really have to ‘milk’ them, too, after you blend them with water you strain the mixture in a cheesecloth and it looks, like…perverse
learned how to make nutmilk at the raw juice place i worked at in nyc and i’ve been making nutmilk again lately…for fun…it tastes better fresh and is also slightly more cost-effective
i feel a little bougie and stupid saying ‘i’ve been making nutmilk,’ but to be fair, it has been my little secret until now
thought ‘if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it’ and tried to make a connection between that and the previous sentence but it seems like too much work right now
11:19am: SOME THINGS I HAVEN’T ADDRESSED YET:
joey and juliet and i are liveblogging today because i think all of us are feeling more isolated than normal. looking forward to reading what they do in a day; it’s been a while since we’ve all known our daily happenings. using semicolons now…more liberally…haha. feel like ‘not much has changed at all’ in my life since i stopped liveblogging in may or june, but also that a lot has changed. i don’t want to do a giant retroactive update, partially because i did a private liveblog for a few weeks in september, and i think i covered a lot of the details there. without going into details, the biggest change in daily life for me has been having blake here with me, living life together…except for a 12-day break in early june, i’ve either been with him in atlanta or he’s been here with me in baltimore, and overall it has been the happiest healthiest richest relationship of my life thus far
11:22am: got some text notifications
11:24am: bedroom door has been closed for a while and it just opened, without toilet flushing. i probably didn’t hear it because i’ve been typing a bunch. this feels like verging on ‘tmi’ territory, i don’t want to tread into territory where i spill hot bathroom deets about blake
‘hot bathroom’ lol
yesterday he showed me ‘scott clam’ on youtube, who talks about birds ‘leaving white bathroom’ on bully’s heads
it’s weird and funny and different and normal to live with another person
a new structure of daily circumstances to play out, combined with the already-occurring circumstances of solitary life…seems to make time go by faster, for me
wonder if i’m going to poop today
kinda feel it coming
in the air tonight
usually i’m pretty regular
from the nature of what juliet just texted, i think our group liveblogs will contain more poop details than normal
what is normal
i hate how people say ‘the new normal’
11:31am: juliet texted ‘Too bad jelly can’t liveblarg bc she turds like 4 times a day’
11:37am: responded to juliet’s other texts. we each had rough ‘waking late’ starts yesterday, and then talked to our moms and cooked and did other practical things and felt better
practical things do make me feel better
i feel good right now, but…
DO I WANT TO DO PRACTICAL LIFE THINGS TODAY OR JUST LIVEBLOG is the question for me, right now
11:47am: copy + pasted phone updates from midnight into this document and responded to an email about a phone call i’m beginning to become nervous about
i’m sweating a lot but it’s very cold
finished smoothie. blake had entered a while ago to ‘top me off’…i missed out on typing about that…the intricacies of that interaction now evade me
THE PRACTICAL THINGS I COULD DO TODAY:
11:51am: nevermind i gotta poop brb
11:56am: did that, think i want to shower too; blake came out to the office to give me privacy while pooping and is currently sitting in red chair behind me, to my ‘5 o’clock,’ seeming to concentrate on what i imagine are either coinbase or fantasy football stats
12:18pm: took my time in the shower, luxuriating in the hot water, shaving legs and etc. when i got out it was cold enough to make my body feel ‘angry.’ remembered a part in ‘thus spoke zarathustra’ where nietzsche is talking about how he likes to take cold baths in the winter, ‘to outwit winter’s prankishness,’ or something like that. i love how he talks about his ‘prankish spirit,’ and the prankishness of things…thought about saying this to blake, who was sitting at his desk in my bedroom. he wasn’t wearing earplugs but seemed to be concentrating on a computer thing. i ‘tested the waters’ by saying, in our joke voice, ‘i hate get out of shower when it so cold,’ and heard him shift a little in his chair but no other response, confirming my ‘he’s too busy to talk right now’ hypothesis. i felt a little bad for interrupting but like saying ‘sorry’ would be more of an interruption, so i just focused on rubbing body with coconut oil
a little later he made a noise indicating he might be available for interruption, and i started telling him the zarathustra thing while first jogging in place and then as i dressed
12:47pm: i’m back from a spontaneous sexytime interlude
there was a little riff about having ‘noon sex’ afterwards…i said ‘diane williams style,’ and blake said a few sequences of sentences in ‘diane williams style,’ but i didn’t know that’s what he was doing–i thought he was riffing on my liveblogging style because he said ’82 degrees, no matter’–so i said ‘that’s like, ottessa moshfegh blake butler boyle style.’ blake laughed a little and said he was impersonating diane williams’ style, which ‘…would be kind of like those things combined.’ he asked if i’d read her, and i said ‘nothing memorable,’ though i remembered reading a few issues of noon in 2011 (as i’m typing this i’m realizing it was 2009 or 2010). he said ‘yeah, she’s cool, she’s like lydia davis with brian damage.’ i laughed a little and said ‘that sounds good’
jeez having another person in my apartment is making me type ‘said’ a lot
i’ve never felt…interested…really, in…saying more than that
but the persistence of ‘said’ is starting to bore me, or…actually i’m just imagining someone else reading this and being bored by my ‘poverty of things-other-than-‘said’-to-indicate-a-person-just-said-something’
i hate when i shrink from imaginary bad guys
saying things other than ‘said,’ about what a person said, has felt adjacent to lying to me. ‘asked’ is okay, like, ‘‘are you going to work today,’ he asked’ is okay to me. it’s fine when other people use words other than ‘said;’ i just like how simple ‘said’ is, for me. i don’t have to think as much about what word to use. ‘said’ lets the person’s words speak more than my interpretation of the words. but now it’s beginning to bore me, so…maybe…it’s time for a change?!
12:56pm: just heard the opening music of ‘red zone’
blake walked out of the sunroom (the room to my left), looked at the screen then me, said ‘oh no, we don’t know what she said’
last week i heard the ‘red zone’ opening song for the first time, i think…first time i remember hearing it. the ceremonious…honor…it’s kind of like music they’d play at a high school graduation, but more profound…warlike pathos…i was really endeared by it last week, said ‘is this really what it sounds like when they start the ‘red zone?’’ blake said something in agreement about the tone of it, compared it to sondheim (a few weeks ago i watched the 1991 production of ‘into the woods’–a comfort movie from childhood–and got a day-long ‘obsession’ with stephen sondheim while blake was in the red zone)
12:57pm: blake has walked back and forth from sunroom to office to kitchen to ‘other apartment parts west’ (bathroom and bedroom) to office to sunroom to (i’m laughing as i’m typing this)
you get the picture
he comments on what he’s doing as he’s doing it
feel…incredibly…well-matched…very similar awareness with this dude
lately i feel that all of the time on a semi-conscious level, but yeah…typing about it…i just had a little moment of gratitude, upon acknowledging something that is normally just part of my daily backdrop of things
1:04pm: i still haven’t followed up on my potential practical things i could do today
think it can be said, though, that today is heading towards ‘just liveblog’ instead of trying to intersperse liveblogging with practical things
but that can all change
dang didn’t realize how much i missed doing this
1:08pm: juliet texted, ‘I’m glad we’re doing the liveblarg today bc it’s making me feel more excited about the day which is good bc I haven’t felt very excited about anything lately’
i said ‘Me too’
‘it makes time matter more and go by slower, I feel’
yeah…lately…i thought i could talk a little about ‘what things are like for me lately’
i’ve been distressed about applying to jobs and, if i hear anything, it’s a decline
a few weeks ago i had one interview to be a customer service lord with a print-to-mail company in a town one hour away from me
didn’t seem worth it because of the 2+ hour daily commute, and the state of my car, which is…
if my car were an actual state in the united states it would be nebraska or something
why did i think of nebraska
saddle creek came from nebraska, but that’s the last we’ve heard from them, in the…world of…young people relevancy…
it’s a good car but there are pop starlets who are older than it but, more importantly, i don’t want to talk about my car right now
i have this other ‘way to make money,’ which is the thing i have a phone call about tomorrow
i’m being discreet but i’m not sure why
actually i can say a little about what it is, why not say a little?
here’s what i’ll say: i’m available to edit manuscripts for money
1:18pm: getting a little hungry
just heard ‘DAMN, you DOH’ from sunroom
there is something comforting about ambient sounds of news or sports programming, punctuated by a person’s commentary
my family wasn’t a ‘talking at the tv’ family but i’ve always wanted to be part of one of those families
1:20pm: the sun is bright and i feel…heh…i feel really good
in ‘zarathustra’ i was surprised to read about nietzsche’s sensitivity to weather/light, his relationship with dawn…afternoon, evenings…sunset…and here, listen to what he says about overcast skies:
‘Rather would I sit in a barrel under closed heavens, rather sit in the abyss without a heaven, than see you, bright heaven, stained by drifting clouds. (…) For I prefer even noise and thunder and storm-curses to this deliberate, doubting cats’ calm; and among men too I hate most of all the soft-treaders and those who are half-and-half and doubting, tottering drift clouds.’
it’s all very personal for him. it’s always been that way for me too; i feel like the weather is a whole fleshed-out person
i wish today, when people do that thing where they ‘drop the mic?’ i wish they would say ‘thus spoke drake’ or something, before they dropped the mic
would that make me tolerate the ‘mic drop’ more?
or would that make it worse?
yeah, no, it would be terrible…it’d make it much worse
i hate that thing
i hate most…things…about today’s dominant culture, if you can call it that
yeah i hate a lot of things like that
twitter is an experience for me of…exercising tolerance…like. for example, when people type that thing, where it’s like:
absolutely no one:
not a soul:
[the speaker/subject of the tweet]: ‘[the thing the person typing feels is ‘singularly unsolicited,’ so much so that in a snarky-at-best, self-protective-at-worst measure, their ‘visionary idea’ requires packaging in a dialogue-like structure, to preemptively let any ‘haters’ of the idea know that they *aaaaaaalready know* they are ‘being ‘weird’’–brilliantly, BRILLIANTLY ‘weird,’ but weird, no less–seducing the tweet reader into a similar mindset of haughty, lonely, relatable ‘weirdness’]’
when i first encountered that thing i thought it was original and funny, but then it became so…saturated…it’s just part of the collective voice of today now
the annoying thing for me is that it’s using a collective script to convey ‘i’m original’
but that’s okay
that’s just human, we think of ideas and then the ideas get oversaturated from being thought about so much
and then we move on to new ideas
wonder if ‘zarathustra’ is the first self-help book ever written
1:42pm: i got carried away typing about the tweet thing
i don’t even look at twitter much haha
now group chat is talking about sweatiness
joey said ‘much of mine [liveblog] is sweating in this bookstore’
i said mine features sweating too
juliet not sweating yet
she just said ‘I feel like winter is a dumb season for a lot of reasons but one of them is I’m either cold or sweaty’
i said some things in agreement, about winter sucking, then ‘The sky is already ‘turning into almost evening sky’’
which it is
joey said ‘that’s poetic’
‘put that into your liveblog’
then some laffs
i was hesitant about including all of this because i want to avoid too much meta-commentary about liveblogging and including that someone else thought something i said is ‘poetic’ is kind of fringe-y to me but i liked that moment in our chat and think it was meant semi-tongue-in-cheek-ly so i decided to include it
it’s nice to be chatting
yeah…nice to be doing this
liveblogging/typing is a solitary activity
recently nicolette and i did a ‘productivity hang’ where she mostly wrote and i mostly looked into ways to improve my credit score, but we each used the pomodoro timer to work on things silently/separately, and rewarded ourselves with dinner and talking. it was so good…we did that last year too, and i think are going to do it again this week. juliet and i have also been doing ‘silent writing sessions’ via gchat, where we write for 20mins and then check in with each other to see if we want to go for longer. feels so much easier and fun in a different way, to work on things with friends, setting the same timer or having the same ‘task you’re doing’…good for motivation
stomach is growling
1:51pm: going to pee and see if there’s anything i can bite in the kitchen
1:58pm: i bit some ‘wasabi seaweed snacks’ and almost finished the package, then brought the last seaweed sheet into the sunroom and fed it to blake, to entice him about dinner options (usually sundays we either order pizza or sushi, and during the week i cook, but since 11/23 the gas has been shut off to my stove…waiting on a new stove from property management company…the ‘no stove’ thing is a current ‘thing of life to endure’ but i feel okay about it; it has caused me to start getting creative with the toaster oven, but reduced exercise and eating carry-out/delivery food over the past two weeks contributes to body insecurity wow i didn’t plan for this parenthetical to be so long)
blake is hungry too, said we could order dinner, but then noted the time and how…
we talked a little about how we don’t have any food, grocery snack options from eddie’s, ‘ordering sushi early’ which seemed bad to both of us…
this part seems tedious to describe. basically: i’m going to do a quick inventory of things we need, and get some snacks/essential things from eddie’s
2:07pm: okay time to do that
2:11pm: THINGS TO GET FROM EDDIES:
- Jackfruit thing if they have
- Pretzels or tortillas
- Salad mix
- Kale bag
2:17pm: applied some lotion and chewing a nicotine gum and now gonna get out the door
2:20pm: Blake said ‘oh no, not again—really? I can’t believe this happens to me every week,’ at the tv…I said ‘oh no, did it do a bad?’ He distractedly/‘in the mood of it’-ly said, ‘yeah…’, twirling his hair
Feeling disembodied or something…doing grocery inventory…walked back and forth in rooms, forgetting what I was looking for, realized it was ‘reusable grocery bags’
Typed all this
2:23pm: kissed each other goodbye when walking to different rooms, now me going out the door
Jesus takes so long lol
Hope I don’t run into anyone on the street
2:26pm: dang it’s cold
Here’s what it looks like, walking to Eddie’s:
No one on the street to interact with, it appears
I’m still wearing blue light reduction glasses and they are fogging up bc mask is orienting my breath glasses-ward
Think I look good in glasses
2:29pm: they’re playing ‘the reason is you’ by hoobastank in here and it is making me giggle
Joke song w/Blake and me
They’re out of cilantro dammit
2:44pm: in line now, person ahead of me having trouble paying. Huge line behind me, only two cashiers, it looks like. Going to be covert and sneak a pic of the bounty:
2:47pm: the checkout lady was so nice shit
She gave me a garlic bulb ‘on the house’ because I ‘wasn’t giving her trouble about it taking a long time’
What a peach
What a veritable peach of a peachlady
I said stuff about how it must be frustrating when there’s a backup in line and no one’s there to help, we exchanged some other pleasantries, she said she liked my glasses
2:49pm: just approached apartment door, was typing while walking
Surprised everything fit in two bags
3;13pm: Blake said ‘she’s back with a new batch…‘back with a new batch,’ I know that from somewhere, some ska song’
I felt like I knew it too but knew it probably just felt like I knew it, because it sounds like a ska sensibility, like ‘pick it up.’ It seemed like an ‘older, more authentic’ ska term. I said ‘is it madness?’ Blake said he didn’t think so, pulled up ‘back with a new batch’ search results, and said ‘it’s by the stubborn all stars.’ He played the song on youtube, noting how ‘horrible’ it sounded
I said ‘it sounds like something that would play at like, sandals beach resort’
He said ‘why do I remember this, of all things? Why did this get stored in my memory?’
I said ‘yeah, it seems like we should have a little more say in what we remember and what we don’t’
He said ‘definitely’
He apologized for ‘being grumpy’ earlier, about the football comment…I didn’t think it was anything he needed to apologize for, but thought it was sweet and very Blake-like to apologize for something he doesn’t need to apologize for. I asked him what ‘happened every week,’ and he said ‘did I say it happens every week?’ I said yeah, I thought he said that
What happens: in the fantasy football league that means the most to him, with his irl friends, the players most statistically likely to advance who he has bet on will not score points, and instead, a long-shot player who other members in the league bet on will score lots of points.
A Ben stiller in ‘meet the parents’-like foiling
‘Meet the parents’ was on tv last night; we inattentively watched the last ten or so minutes
Blake has said he relates to characters Ben stiller plays
When he first said that I abstractly understood what he meant, and now I’ve seen what he means
As we were saying all of this we were putting away groceries
Now I’m gearing up to make us a little kale salad snack
3:21pn: took a break from making salad to type that
Blake walked into kitchen, holding MacBook with red zone playing, fed me a jalapeño lime chip
3:35pm: roasted some almonds and used remainder of cilantro/basil/garlic/avocado/olive oil/lime juice dressing I made last night and washed off the oil from the last of the remaining store-bought oil-cured roasted garlic that neither of us seem to be eating because (at least for me) it is too oily:
Proud of this cute little snackbowl
Take that, megan 2013
Hey megan 2013, did you know that you would be making cute little snackbowls for your hottie boyfriend and you and liveblogging with your actual friends someday?
Joke’s on you
Suck on that hot sauce
Suck on that ketchup
When I was a kid I liked to suck on McDonald’s ketchup packets
I also like to do that as an adult
No wait, I’m sorry I said ‘joke’s on you,’ I don’t want to be mean to myself
4:11pm: when i brought the salad snack to blake he said ‘look at what i found’ and showed me a picture he took of us talking on facetime near the end of may
he had a beard and ‘side-parted’ hair and looked to be under white/blue ceiling light and my bangs looked shorter and there was a shadowy yellow light on my face
felt warm…all the time that has passed…i said ‘we look different’
QUICK TIP FOR THE KALE-AVERSE:
-if you massage raw kale with lemon juice for about two minutes, the enzymes in the lemons break down the ‘offensiveness’ of the kale taste and make the texture less papery and hard to chew
-after i do that i let it sit for a few minutes and it becomes more like a ‘cooked’ texture. then you can just rinse off the lemon juice (or you can leave it and add olive oil and whatever) and dry off the rinsed stuff, and you will have a better-tasting raw vegetable
-plus, listen: if everyone who is reading this could just do this once, we’d never again need to ask you to donate to this cause. imagine! that’s all it would take, to change the world. just donating a fraction of your ‘cooked kale’ time to the greater cause of raw enzyme breakdown…
that’s not working hahaha
that was…a royal stretch
doesn’t the wikipedia guy say his name, on that little pop-up window?
i always found that distasteful
if that was indeed a thing, that…happened…him saying his name there, on the already-distasteful pop-up begging for donations to what ‘somehow i know’ (but really have no idea and could be completely wrong about this and am sort of averse to this aversion already as i’m typing it) is a website that makes enough money to support many children through college
feel like it’s ‘jimmy corrigan’…the man’s name…
4:14pm: oh, jimmy wales
eating a nicotine gum
i’ve been doing bad on my vape intake today; i went through one ‘charge’ of a device and started using the other device
i’m now out of ‘juice’ for the device that is charged; the ‘juice’ is in the sunroom. there is no way i can get the juice without blake knowing that i’m doing that, and while…that would be fine…in a sense…i don’t know, i just don’t want him knowing that i’d refill it. honestly i’d be fine with refilling it ‘secretly,’ but. yeah. haha. damn, that’s embarrassing, but also seems productive and good to say
sort of knew that today i would be a little less strict with my plan to cut down vape intake…i have an automatic tendency to crave nicotine while typing
can you imagine bukowski vaping
i totally can
the thing that sucks about starting to smoke cigarettes ‘because you think it’s cool’ when you’re 16, is that it IS cool, cigarettes are cool, if you think they’re cool there is absolutely no way–for a while, at least–to convince yourself they’re not cool, because why would you want to ruin something cool for yourself, it’s pleasurable to do something you think is cool, if you’re the kind of butt plug that is insecure and unmonitored and rebellious enough at 16 to think ‘maybe bad stuff is actually cool,’ and then you get addicted to nicotine, and that sucks, and then you get older and realize the whole ‘creative types who YUMYUMYUMYUM SCARF DOWN MUST HAVE COFFEE AND CIGARETTES TO GET THROUGH MY CASE OF THE MONDAYS’ thing is pretty tired and you wish you didn’t effectively belong to that group with your whole dodo butt plug of a habit, but there you are regardless with the habit, and throughout this whole thing vaping becomes a ‘thing people do,’ and you kind of hate it because not only do you feel like it’s one of the things leading the people of the world to their eventual ‘idiocracy’-like garbage decline, you never really liked it to begin with, it was just a way to stop doing something you decided you don’t want to do anymore, and you also unreasonably/curmudgeon-ly hate it when things you do become ‘cool,’ especially when you don’t even like those things anymore, so there are all of these reasons…
okay, i don’t need to indulge in that sentence anymore, i learned from it that i have great ideological as well as physical reasons to quit vaping
that being said: i still think cigarettes are cool
4:33pm: had a little encounter with blake in the sunroom where…i was going to get more vape juice, and described some of what i typed about…about…not wanting to ‘confront’ him to use the juice
mentioned wanting to do a ‘HIIT’ (high intensity interval training) workout, not wanting to vape before 7pm. i realized i was ‘gracefully tottering,’ moving all of my weight from one foot to the other, like a demonstration of indecisiveness, and remembered the quote i typed from ‘zarathustra’ earlier about clouds and wishy-washy people and wanted to make a decision
he said ‘i have no say in what you do or anything, but if it were me, i might decide to do a workout and then reward myself’
seemed a solid as hell choice
enough ‘other factors’ were aligned for me to want to go ahead with that choice
leaned over to kiss him
i said ‘i think about 30% of the liveblog is about you’ but instantly felt like it was less
he said that seemed like a lot, but it was fine, he supported whatever i wanted to write
i thanked him and said something about having ‘residual liveblog anxiety’ about mostly being in relationships with men who didn’t want to be named in 2013 liveblog
4:52pm: haven’t been wearing blue light reduction glasses
the sun is almost down
4:53pm: looks calm, pretty…on the left is the sunroom, with yellow light, and on the right is the office, with blue light
now blake is in the room with the yellow light, where i was sitting when we talked on facetime in the picture he took from late may, and i’m in a room with whiter/bluer light
5:01pm: ONE THING TO SAY BEFORE MY HIIT BREAK:
-i’m not feeling sick at all today, as the day has progressed
i forget why i wanted to say that
there was some neurotic energy behind wanting to say that, that is now…absent…
that’s not to say it’s absent forever
no, no, no
neurotic energy will always find an outlet
until you squash it
but you can’t squash it by saying ‘SHUT UP BAD MEGAN DON’T BE BAD AND NEUROTIC’
that’s like…the one thing…hahahaha
it took me seven years to learn that yelling at myself doesn’t produce long-lasting change
i still am only getting the basics of this down…this…‘be nice to yourself’ thing, down
you also don’t really ‘squash’ it…the neurotic energy…
you massage it with lemon juice and the enzymes produce an effect of kindness which breaks down the bitter offensive taste of you (which really isn’t that bad to begin with, you begin to see)
and you don’t always remember to do it all the time because you have 35 years of bad coding
sometimes you just taste bad and sometimes you want to get you over with so you fry yourself up in some butter and garlic and pretend like it’s ‘healthy’
not sure what that part of the analogy pertains to but there is definitely something like that…like…just doing things that feel good, short-term, to comfort yourself, without taking the time to talk to the part inside you that yells at itself and ask it ‘why are you doing that? what do you want from me?’
maybe i’ll type more about this later
5:13pm: now it is time for a HIIT break
5:26pm: took some time to put away ‘what will soon become unmanageable piles of clothes’ first
6:04pn: just finished this one: https://youtu.be/vI1Yf-MBczI
Maybe favorite of all HIITs so far
I like the ones on the ‘self’ channel as opposed to taking what I can get in the ‘wild west’ of personal fitness vlogs
This one lady, Sydney Cummings, I like, from the ‘wild west’
But she seems professional
I don’t want just any person showing me how to work out, I want blood money showing me how to work out
I just like the idea that many pairs of eyes need to authorize the fitness video content I’m about to see, when I go with a ‘less ethically sound, on an emotional level’ choice of going to corporations
Suppose I could just do more research about videos to avoid the morally-displeasing ‘self’ corporation
But I really like the structure of their workouts
They’re the only ones that go by fast and they repeat exercises (a lot of ‘wild west’ workouts seem to function on the principle that ‘people don’t like to repeat exercises because it’s ‘harder’ and boring,’ but I like a second third and fourth round to concentrate on my form, go deeper, push myself, not give in to wanting to avoid boredom, etc)
I also like this dynamic I imagine happening, with the leader of the ‘self’ workouts and the guy demonstrating in the background, Reese. It’s always a female leader and Reese is just going through the motions in the background…feel like he’s…like…whooped…they ‘let’ him lead one workout, which I did a few weeks ago, and it seemed solid. It’s more about the way they always mention him…hahaha…it’s like, ‘Reese is doing the MOD-ified version,’ and he’s always just smiling and ‘taking it like a champ’…I identify with the Reese character, as I’m working out
Feel like there is actually not much of this dynamic, if you watch the workouts. It’s all imaginary
6:10pm: sitting on my heels on the floor next to yoga mat
Feeling weirdly…low…had distracting thoughts during workout
6:12pm: typed something I deleted
Oh my, how mysterious, these ‘distracting thoughts’ and deleted typed-somethings
Nothing bad, I just got on a roll with the wild west and Reese and felt myself on the verge of getting into a ‘kneeling on the floor typing’ thing, and I want to do something else
What do I want to do though
WHAT TO DO:
-shower seems reasonable
-Blake mentioned Thai food but I’m not hungry
Why do I always want to be doing something
I like doing nothing
But you’re always doing something even when you’re doing nothing
It’s cool to just be alive
Lately I’ve been having the thought more and more that it’s so strange that all of a sudden I started existing, and every day I wake and I still exist, in relatively the same circumstances/frames
What a miracle
Like…why is it…this way…
Instead of anything else: it is this, every day
Why is anything anything
Why is sustained consciousness in a body something, that…we all depart from in sleep and then return to…mysteriously, for so long? For all of human history we’ve just been sleeping and waking in our existences that span a certain amount of ‘time,’ which is a thing we decided to measure, in ‘years’
How in the heck man
That’s what they called it: a ‘year’
I’m using the English language without thinking much about how to use it, because a long time ago I needed to learn how to use a language to convey what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing, and now I just do it
That’s just what I do
Does anyone else think about how weird this is
I’ve always thought stuff like this but…yeah
No, no, yeah—yeah, lots of people think about this stuff
It’s actually kind of a cliche, at this point, isn’t it?
6:19pm: going to shower, sure, why not shower?
6:35pm: showered and dressed, feeling…I don’t know, haha, I’m feeling ‘I don’t know’
A little over-blogged
6:45pm: wow feels like it’s been much longer than ten minutes
so many things can happen in ten minutes
i’m back at my desk, for one
6:47pm: blake just said ‘oh suck my red kick fuck! shit fuck shit-tttttttt-ah’
THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST TEN MINTUES:
-in sunroom: talked about dinner options, workout, ‘letting myself vape now but not going nuts with it,’ and dinner options which…i felt whiny, interiorly, considering what i could eat, not being hungry, wondering if i should ‘ride out’ the hunger or if i did that would i just snack more later and end up eating more than i wanted to, etc
-remembered ‘decisiveness’ thing from ‘zarathustra’ and i said ‘thai food sounds good, i’ll be hungry later’ and blake said he could just snack until later
-asked how he was doing and he said football was getting better; he’s enjoying not thinking and ‘staying on the surface’ today, where football is. felt i understood…the surface thing…i’m in ‘awareness of inner life’ mode, and he’s in ‘just being there’ mode, and both modes are good and necessary
-blake said ‘good job with your hiit’ and i said ‘good job with your footballs’ as i left sunroom. we looked at each other complexly and he followed me into kitchen
-walked around looking for a lighter for incense cone
-blake, carrying ‘red zone’-playing macbook, followed me into bedroom to show me new lighters he got, and i saw one on his desk and used that to light the cone in there
-in the kitchen, he asked me in a childlike way, if i ‘still like blakes?’ i said ‘yes, do you still like megans?’ he said ‘of course!’ prompted by our use of nicknames, i asked in a way i consider intentionally light/circuitous, if he was ‘mad at me.’ he said ‘no, why would i be mad at you?’ i said i still had some background anxiety about including him in the liveblog, and he said reinforcing things, punctuated by ‘you can say whatever you want, i don’t care at all,’ which…yeah, i think it must be annoying to be asked the same question over and over. we kissed and i felt a little embarrassed for not being direct and just saying i was anxious
-somewhere around here i said i was feeling ‘logged’ from typing so much and blake said he understood
-got a ‘multi-green’ kombucha from fridge and noticed water thing needs to be refilled and mentally noted to refill it next time
-texted nicolette a ‘virtual hug;’ she and i both get lonely in a certain way and a few months ago we decided on a term for the loneliness, which i will keep secret, but i intuited she might be in the lonely place (could be projecting because i’ve been in it for about a week and am just starting to get out), where sometimes you just want to hear that someone out there cares
7:10pm: we just decided to snack instead of ordering food. i’m still not hungry…feel like i can ride it out
7:20pm: added some text to some parts
i’m going to read this from the beginning and see what i think about it
7:44pm: blake kneeled by me and read it with me
calm sweet energy
he’s a real gift…to me…i say that to him a lot but i feel it a lot. i used to say ‘i’m so lucky i found you,’ but there’s not much power in ‘luck.’ luck is passive/unwieldy, but being given a gift actually causes gratitude
i said ‘some of the old liveblog magic is gone, in it…isn’t it?’
he said ‘it’s different. it’s good not to be the same person. if you were still the same person you were then, you wouldn’t be alive’
other things were said
felt a little nervous for him to be reading it, and at the thought of putting all of this out there too
those are things i’ve felt before but i feel them in a new way now, like the content is in a different frame
i would elaborate but i’m feeling like a broken record about typing similar things in the recent past
now i’m getting hungry
7:48pm: going to make a savory vegano sandwich
7:57pm: nevermind, now i’m going to make the sandwich
8:27pm: have been enjoying quietly eating sandwich at kitchen table
Sometimes I quell anxious thoughts with ‘come on megano, why so serious?’
The thoughts say ‘oh, I didn’t realize I was being so serious’
I say ‘wanna see a PENCIL disappeaaaar?’
The thoughts say ‘haha no thanks’
I say ‘sorry I was jk’
The thoughts say ‘you don’t have to say jk, I get it’
Including a picture of the sandwich for ‘formal consistency’ since I have pictured all other food eaten (except maybe a collective handful of carrot sticks and pretzels and tortillas and baba ghanouj):
There is not much I hate more than lyrical, meditative food writing
Or really any kind of food writing that isn’t factual
My resentment/prickliness about this is probably…just…never encountering or seeking out ‘food writing’ that I like, due to suffering from prolonged overexposure to annoying recipe sites that have like 20 ads and pop-ups and paragraphs before they actually get to the recipe
I have typed about this before
Blake switched from football to reading. While I was assembling sandwich, he entered kitchen and talked excitedly about ‘the sickness unto death’ and I excitedly followed what he said, mentioned something about Jung
Going to make him a sandwich when I finish mine
8:38pm: okay finished, now I’m going to make his
The sandwich is a veggie snausage link, a vegaño cheese slice, tomatoes, greens, sauerkraut, mayo mustard
8:43pm: did some dishes, waiting for snausage to cook a little
Just figured out the song I’ve had in my head most of today is ‘fell into the ocean’ by Dan deacon
This is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-VX5a-UJMs
When I’ve listened to music in the past week, it’s mostly been to ‘mystic familiar’ by Dan deacon on a loop
My favorite moments on the album are the ‘arp i-iv’ tracks and ‘my friend’ and ‘sat by a tree’ and ‘weeping birch’
Hahaha okay so most of it
They’re all bangers, on ‘mystic familiar’
I listen to music the most when compiling a massive document of everything I wrote from July 2014-present. I add to the document too, sometimes…like…filling in gaps/reflecting on things. It’s currently around 130k words, and I haven’t included anything from 2020 yet (liveblog from March to May/June 2020 was over 170k words, and my private one from September was around 120k)…have been feeling depressed, a little…the compiling of it…it was fun at first and think it will be again, after a break. I’m just doing it for myself, for inventory purposes. ‘Mystic familiar’ counterbalances the depressed themes/content of the big document…it’s like…ecstatic…
Doing this liveblog feels good
Always glad to add to the ever-unfolding inventory
8:58pm: I need to research some ‘quit vaping’ programs, Charlotte (therapist) asked me to do that Friday and I have a phone meeting with her tomorrow
Nah I can just do it in the morning
9:15pm: brought sandwich in to blake who asked if i was going to join him. i said ‘i’m going to copy and paste my phone updates and then write a quick little note about how i’m taking a break.’ he said ‘okay, see you in 45 minutes!’ and i laughed
i get him
realized that…truthfully, i’m no longer self-conscious about writing about myself/things i do. i have always been aware of the ‘don’t write about yourself, that’s self-involved’ opinion. i only get self-conscious when i imagine being criticized by someone with the ‘writing about yourself is bad’ opinion, but anyone who would think that…like. they’re just wrong, haha. my higher nature is to not care about that…like…any of this…i’m really hesitant lately with writing anything for publication, but i’d like to be more free, because who i really am is…free…i’m very free when i’m not letting dumb opinions have more residency in my mind than me
9:21pm: starting to feel sleepy. the apartment smells like toasted bread. feels homey…home…i’ll miss it here…also won’t miss some things…we’re moving to a house when my lease is up in june…oh man
blake is saying funny things at the tv
9:27pm: okay now i’m going to take my break
9:34pm: one more thing before i go:
it’d be funny if someone brought back ‘widespread hatred’ of george w. bush
like how everyone hates donald trump now…
someone should start a social media campaign to bring awareness back to how ‘even though there is a bad guy in office, that doesn’t mean we’re just ‘allowed’ to forget george w. bush was bad’
rage against the machine should’ve never stopped making albums about hating george w. bush
one of their albums could be called ‘never forget’
it would be so funny
currently chewing a nicotine gum
earlier my vape fell out of my pocket and blake picked it up and i asked him to keep it
9:41pm: wonder what the j squad (juliet and joey) wrote today
i haven’t said much about political things or covid
those things are there
they are out of my control so i’m trying not to worry about them because there’s nothing i can do except engage in moral emotions about them
that being said, ‘i have lots of opinions on things,’ and lots of thoughts/feelings about the opinions
opinions are just noise though
they can be helpful noise…you need opinions to form a worldview, and they can help you act in accordance with your worldview, and that’s important…but your worldview is only 1 in 7ish billion worldviews
feel like people are forgetting that…that we’re all out here, in ourselves, living
i can forget that, anyway
just feels like there’s enough noise already, out there…silent noise of the internet…i want to read what people think and feel about things other than politics and covid, so that’s what i typed about today…dang really feel like i gotta justify myself lol okay cut it out boyle
that being said, i’m curious about what my friends think about politics and covid (i know a little already)
that being said, i keep saying ‘that being said’ today
9:47pm: okay REALLY now it’s time for my break
9:48pm: one more thing:
wouldn’t it be funny if blake wasn’t really here, i was just…horribly, horribly alone, hallucinating that i have a hot boyfriend named blake
then blake, still in atlanta, would read this and think, ‘holy…shitballs…iiiiiii gotta…block megan on twitter’
well, that’s more sad than funny
it’s funny because it’s not the truth, but it in a certain context it could be true
things are funny when they are the truth or the opposite of truth
that’s all you need to do to be funny: tell the truth or use the what you know about ‘what is true’ to think of something absurd that could be true
pretty sure that’s all you need to do
pretty sure that’s what makes me laughs
9:54pm: NOW IT IS BREAK TIME!!!!!!!
10:44pm: have been reading old philosophy dawgs and sitting ‘back and forth forever’-style with blake on couch
‘back and forth forever’-style consists of his head at one end, my head at the other, with our butts kind of touching, and so if one of us pooped the other could poop it back into the other’s butthole
i just offered to toast us each a mini-croissant with melted chocolate on top
gonna do that
11:41pm: no pics of that croissant
the name of my record company would be ‘donnie darko records’
think the couch is about to break, blake pointed out
i’m really sleepy
i asked for my vape back
i’m only saying the essentials now
i had dog-eared this page because i wanted to type a quote from it, here is the quote:
‘To gain knowledge is a joy for the lion-willed! But those who become weary are themselves merely being ‘willed,’ and all the billows play with them. And this is always the manner of the weak: they get lost on the way. And in the end their weariness still asks, ‘Why did we ever pursue any way at all? It is all the same.’ Their ears appreciate the preaching, ‘Nothing is worth while! You shall not will!’ Yet this is an exhortation to bondage.
O my brothers, like a fresh roaring wind Zarathustra comes to all who are weary of the way; many noses he will yet make sneeze. Through walls too, my free breath blows, and into prisons and imprisoned spirits. To will liberates, for to will is to create: thus I teach. And you shall learn solely in order to create.’
had planned to type about what i like about it but brain is on the bed train
11:58pm: just saw nicolette texted me ‘happy saint nicholas day’ and some other sweet things
i didn’t know that was today
excited to hang with her tuesday
12:10am: chatting with the j squad about our liveblogging days
we all felt boring
12:11am: juliet just said ‘megan has a strict 12 to 12 idea of a day but mine is wake up to sleep’
i said ‘i think wake up to sleep is more sane’
that being said, think i’m going to retire for the evening