1) Show up to your first rehearsal with the cheapest, ugliest, most elaborately decorated guitar you can find. When asked about it say, “Ten bucks at a pawn shop!”
2) Stop rehearsal every time your cell phone vibrates.
3) At the announcement of a new gig, no matter the city or venue, make an exasperated noise, kick the ground and say, “Not that fucking place again.”
4) During a concert, yell “I got it” when the band slides into its first solo break. Do the same for every subsequent song.
5) Fart on the bus.
6) During the pre-production of a new record, suggest that the band work on one of your songs. When it’s pushed aside say, “As long as we do it next time.”
7) At the photo shoot, keep positioning yourself in front of the rest of the band. Stare longingly into the camera lens. Reach towards the camera lens. Kiss the camera lens.
8) While cutting tracks, veer off tempo, faster then slower, rushing then dragging the beat. When confronted say, “It was just something I felt.”
9) At the arrival of any band news, good or bad, say, “I could’ve seen that coming.”
10) Try to talk your fellow sidemen into throwing Jeff Tweedy out of the band.