When someone asks you what you do for a living, do you begin your answer with, “I am…”? As in, “I am a lawyer,” or, “I am a sandwich artist?” Most of us do, even though I think we can all agree that as complex creatures we can’t be defined by a single, occupation-based label. A plumber is a person, as is a politician and a poet and a physician (except Dr. Teeth, who is made of fabric, and Dr. Phil, who is made of mistakes).

Lately I’ve been thinking about what I do, what I’ve done and how it relates to who I am. I’ve had over 35 jobs in the past two decades, starting at age 14 when I worked at an ice cream parlor in Palm Springs. (Sonny Bono came in once, and when I asked, “Mr. Bono, could I get your–” he obliged me with an autograph. I didn’t have the heart to finish my question: “–order?”)

In high school I babysat several children who miraculously escaped the gruesome murders I daydreamed for them during their Time-Outs. At 16, I worked at a pizza place until my 40+ boss decided it would be funny to withhold my paycheck until I agreed to go out with him. I spent my 18th summer at a telemarketing company, encouraging smokers to speak out against tax hikes. I didn’t even smoke.

Throughout college I worked at a mall, three truck stops, a bakery, a grocery store and a UPS warehouse. I spent a month working as a production assistant on an almost-porno directed by one of my professors. I volunteered to teach children how to read, which I was terrible at (not because of an aversion to reading, but because of an aversion to children) and then switched to teaching college students about safe sex (something I have no aversion to at all). I was a receptionist at an HIV testing clinic, where for two years I let the phlebotomist practice taking blood from me every week (if there was an award for Most Confidently Free From STDs, I would win it, hands down).

Since graduating, I’ve worked at a sports photo agency, produced feature films, sold underpants and written blog posts for a cable network. I’ve chauffeured friends’ bands on tour (which paid only in opportunities to meet rock heroes) and I filed papers in the back room of a bank (which paid in beer money and suicide fantasies). There was six months of selling concert tickets, two months watching NIKE videos and three days editing corporate films about airplanes for a really mean Chinese guy.

Taking all of this into consideration, you could conclude that I am versatile, or you might think that I am easily bored. It’s hard to know if this is the career history of a polymath, a drifter or a mental patient.

So I must continue this self-examination by determining which jobs I could never do. I mean, I know as a feminist and an optimist I’m supposed to believe anything’s possible, but even as an atheist, I’d pray for the poor soul of anyone who needed me to be his surgeon or contractor. And even though I’d like a career as a Certified Badass, I keep failing the test. Two for flinching, every time.

I think animals are cool, but I bet being a Zookeeper is actually depressing, and Park Rangering requires a lot of wandering around outside, which interferes with my love of staying pale and being lazy. (Also, I hate searching for pic-a-nic baskets–if you can’t hold onto your sandwiches, you don’t deserve to have sandwiches.)

I couldn’t be a call girl, either. I just don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to pretend to be someone else all the time, or to Scotchgard my fancy dresses, or to wear/own fancy dresses. I also don’t have the required drug addiction or an elastic asshole. I am grossly underqualified. But I would consider being a madam. I would drive a Ford Escort (because of irony) with a vanity plate that read HNKFHRNY.

So no power tools, no wandering outdoors. No kids, no animals, and no fucking by appointment (especially kids or animals). In fact, the less human interaction, the better. Forced socializing makes me ill. I’m the person who always uses the unmanned checkout lane at the grocery store — anything to avoid casual chit chat with strangers.

So what does that make me, a soulless machine?

I suppose it’s no coincidence that I currently work in advertising. If you want to draw some parallels between my character and my current profession, I would say that, like me, my job can be easy (like selling candy to a baby!) and fun (“thinkin’ up stuff” is one of my job responsibilities). And, like me, it can also be manipulative and a little sneaky. Also, it’s impossible to know whether professional me or personal me has worked harder at convincing people to eat hot dogs.

I might be a terrible person.

No. I think you can only know the real me by examining the job I would do, if given the opportunity. My dream job: President of Movies. As POM I will leverage my years of education, experience and undeniable kickassitude to improve Hollywood’s chief exports. The world will finally know true joy as I prove myself infallible in the selection of buddy cop duos. When I ask, “Who have we cast as the buddy cops?” and the response begins with either “Clancy Brown” or “a monkey”, I will hold up one hand to silence the room and make out a check for “the sky’s the limit!” THAT is the dream I make possible by my very existence!

That is who I am.

And I can live with that. I’m okay being that person. I hope to meet others like me — those who will support me in my quest to rid all films of talking babies and talking chihuahuas and Andie MacDowells. If you’re out there, please say hello.

Conversely, if you’re not ready to embrace a cinematic Clancy Brown/monkey police officer, please hand over your badge and gun.

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Founder and editor of online magazine Kittenpants, producer for stage and screen, former writer for the Comedy Central Insider, quoted in both Maxim and Jane: DARCI RATLIFF can do it all, and does do it all (on or before the third date). Buy her book, If I Did It at kittenpants.com.

16 responses to “Who I Am, What I Do and Why It Matters”

  1. Dan Burt says:

    Darci, can I be in your POM cabinet? My formal education consists of two film studies classes (American film 1915-50, European Cinema) and watching a crap-load of movies on HBO and Netflix (detailed resume upon request). I’ve been watching a lot of weird documentaries lately, though.

  2. dwoz says:

    Officially your fanboy.

    I have never, and WILL never, understand the appeal of Andi MacDowell as a woman and as an actor.

    The only actress capable of making Hugh Grant seem like a versatile method actor.

    And I LIKED that movie.

    So now, here’s the part of the forum post where I offer far more information about myself than anyone, anywhere, cares to know:

    I am a musician. although I think I’ve earned about 1/1000th of my yearly income as such.

    Go figure.

  3. Gloria says:

    Darci, you’re hilarious.

    “And even though I’d like a career as a Certified Badass, I keep failing the test. Two for flinching, every time.” <—– so damn funny.

    “I also don’t have the required drug addiction or an elastic asshole.” I love the way you throw this shit in. I loved reading this.

    I’m on board with the movie thing if we can include Kate Hudson, Andy Dick, and Jonah Hill, too. I love monkeys, though.

  4. Thanks, folks! I hope I can count on your support on the campaign trail. Ratliff 2012-Infinity!!

  5. jmblaine says:

    I worked in the monkey & snake house
    & the Zoo & it was pretty awesome.

    Only when I love a job
    do you define yourself by it.

    “Are you the monkey house dude?”

    “That’s me!”

  6. Judy Prince says:

    “I hope to meet others like me — those who will support me in my quest to rid all films of talking babies and talking chihuahuas and Andie MacDowells.”

    Darci, I’m with you and dwoz on Andie MacDowell. Matter of fact, I’m with you all the way on your being POM. I’ll be your POM POM. But let’s not meet or talk to each other; that would be too sociable. We’ll simply use the blackball system, communicated through email. No, better yet, we’ll You Tube our blackball voting, using monkeys, of course, as couriers and explicators.

  7. Matt says:

    “It’s hard to know if this is the career history of a polymath, a drifter or a mental patient.”

    The three are not mutually exclusive…

    The only movie with Andie McDowell in it that I can stand is sex, lies, and videotape. Though I guess I do like Greystoke, the Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes. Though that only half counts, because her British accent was so bad Glenn Close had to overdub all her lines.

  8. Hello!
    You’re very funny!
    My mother used to say, “You’re a human BEING, not a human DOING. Relax!”

  9. Andrew Hime says:

    I have several checks of that ilk floating around my house. I believe one is still on the fridge, but it might be the one you made out to Karl.

  10. Simon Smithson says:

    I call Secretary of Defence!

    And man, I am so going to bomb the shit out of David Lynch’s house. But not before I’ve fulfilled my lifelong dream of meeting him and mis-pronouncing his name as David Lunch.

    Ha ha ha…

    But seriously, I don’t like his work. Put Michael Cera in a David Lynch film with an appearance by Jennifer Aniston and I will kill myself with dynamite.

  11. Marni Grossman says:

    I can answer for you: Darci, you are…awesome.

    And this line is brilliant: “It’s hard to know if this is the career history of a polymath, a drifter or a mental patient.”

  12. Erika Rae says:

    Oh this was great. So much good and fun about this post. I always thought my list of jobs I’ve held was good, but this…THIS…priceless. You will have my vote as President of Movies. And of Jobs.

  13. Awesome! I promise to serve you all well, plus tons of sex scandals!!

  14. Andie MacDowell says:

    This is just a bunch of bullshit. I was in sex, lies and video tape!

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