It’s Friday, you guys. And, it’s Rapture’s Eve! If you’re smart, you’ll gather with friends tonight, order a pizza and spend your last few hours laughing and having fun. But you can’t have an end-of-the-world pizza party without jokes! Feel free to use one of these.

  1. What do pizzas and the Jersey Shore cast have in common?
    It’s fine to slice them up and leave their remains in a box in the trash.
  2. What’s the difference between an M Night Shyamalan movie and a pizza?
    Pizzas are good.
  3. How is being a delivery pizza like dating Chris Brown?
    Eventually you get shoved in a box and thrown into a car.
  4. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and a pizza?
    One of them would make a great president. The other one is Sarah Palin.
  5. Why is a pizza better than Elizabethtown?
    Everything’s better than that piece of shit movie.
  6. How are a pizza and a Dave Matthews Band CD alike?
    You should never put either one in your CD player.
  7. What’s the difference between a new baby and an old pizza?
    One goes in the garbage, the other one goes in the fridge.
    (or) You can’t have sex with an old pizza
    (or) One came out of your vagina, the other is a baby*
  8. What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
    My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
  9. A pizza walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Fuck off, Donny! I told you to get out!” The pizza knocks over a chair as he leaves.

*Props to/apologies from Matt Tobey for those alternate punchlines.

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Founder and editor of online magazine Kittenpants, producer for stage and screen, former writer for the Comedy Central Insider, quoted in both Maxim and Jane: DARCI RATLIFF can do it all, and does do it all (on or before the third date). Buy her book, If I Did It at kittenpants.com.

9 responses to “Pizza Jokes!”

  1. Karl says:

    I was worried these weren’t going to be edgy and horrible. But you didn’t disappoint me. Nice hand, Darci.

  2. That sounds like a complinsult. Way to keep up the poker face, Karl.

  3. pixy says:

    bah! these are awesome. and it’s so true, anything is better than elizabethtown. except maybe an m. night shamalamadingdong movie.

  4. 9. A pizza walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Fuck off, Donny! I told you to get out!” The pizza knocks over a chair as he leaves.

    Totally my favourite.

  5. Corbett says:

    that last one sent me over the edge! good thing it was one of the edges with the cheese baked inside.

  6. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    Hahahahaha. Worse than a Dave Matthews cd? A Dave Matthews bootleg cd. We’re talking 20 minute jams.

  7. Heather Beaven says:

    I don’t get the last one at all. Anyone care to explain?

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