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For an explanation of the 30 Stories in 30 Days, start at Day 1.
It’s the tenth day. I’m on my 10th story. WE’RE A THIRD OF THE WAY THERE, PEOPLE!
Or should I say, “person?” I’m not sure how many people are even reading these. If you tell 30 stories in a forest and no one reads them does it make a sound?
“Helloooooo… ellooooo… loooo..”
I’m going to find out tomorrow by asking you to participate. Once I finish tomorrow’s story, I’ll omit some words, Mad-Libs style. I’ll leave comments (on THIS POST), asking you guys to give me some new words. You reply with your suggestion(s) and I’ll pick my favorites and post it as tomorrow’s story. So look in the comments section below (or come back to this post later if they’re not there yet).
But for now, let’s get on with story number 10.
You Dropped Something
On occasion I am guilty of namedropping–mostly by accident. Generally, I am too blatantly thrilled to have bumped elbows with a celeb to try to sound cool and casual about it. (Once I wanted to speak to Frank Black at a very crowded after-party, but he was busy hitting on a girl, and even I know that cockblocking is no way to meet a hero, so I literally bumped elbows with him at the bar until he turned around. I said, “Oh, I’m so sorry!” and gestured to the people behind me, indicating that I had been pushed into him by the crowd. He turned back around and resumed picking up that girl. And now I can tell all my friends about the time “I talked to Frank Black!!!”)
When someone’s really obnoxious about namedropping, though, I’ve found ignorance to be the best/most fun cure. I discovered this when I was 23. I met this kid online who shared my interest in film making and we decided to meet for lunch. He was only 19 or so, but in his mind he was already running Hollywood. (I forget his name–should find out if it was Bret Ratner.)
I was polite at first, but I found his constant namedropping unbearable. And considering his ego, I knew calling him out for it wouldn’t help much. So I started playing dumb.
“Blondes play more dumb” is the expression, right? It works well because some of you guys are so ready to believe it. I once got out of several traffic tickets by pretending I didn’t know that drivers licenses expire. I really dumbed it up and walked away scot-free.
Anyway, I started playing this game where any time he would drop a name (and then look to me for recognition) I would pretend to be really impressed and then completely misidentify the person he had mentioned. For example, when he said, “I’ve got a meeting in Los Angeles with David Schwimmer’s agent,” I replied, “Oooh–the guy who played Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley?! That’s so cool!”
It really frustrated him that I didn’t understand how impressive he was.
Guy: “You haven’t heard of Friends?”
Me: “You’re friends with Squiggy’s agent?”
Guy: “No! The show FRIENDS. David Schwimmer is on Friends.”
Me: “No. I watch that show. I would have remembered if Squiggy was on it.”
You see how it works? Later, he told me he had directed some music videos and he was being considered to direct a Montell Jordan video.
Me: “Oooh, maybe you’ll get to do one of those ‘Who is the baby-daddy’ episodes!”
Guy: “That’s not Montell Jordan–”
Me: “Oh, you’re right, that’s Maury Povich. Montel is the one with the psychic lady.”
Guy: “No, the musician.”
Me: “Alan Thicke?”
And so on.
He quickly stopped trying to impress me with all of his celebrity connections. I’m mean, with David Schhwimmer’s agent on the line and a Montell Jordan video in his sights, that kid was on his way to the top and he didn’t need some dummy like me slowing him down.
Me vs. TeamJacob/Edward/Bella/LittlePersonWithVideocamera and Wholly inapproperiate!! : D
In case it’s not clear below – I’ve left several comments asking for different words or parts of speech, like one does when playing MAD LIBS.
Reply to each of my comments with your suggestions by clicking the “Reply to this comment” link for each one.
I’ll pick my favorites and plug them into the story for Day 11, which I have already written. Then I’ll post it and we’ll all be happy!
THANKS EVERYONE! I’VE MADE ALL MY PICKS AND ITS GOING UP SOON!
You guys! It’s Mad-Lib time! Help me fill in the blanks for story #11. I’ll start off with an easy one.
I need a boy’s name. Reply here with your suggestions.
Xerxes
Joe.
Ricky Schroder
Blanket
That episode of South Park was on reruns last night!
Sue
Hercules
Sampson Louis
I don’t know why that was a “reply” and not it’s own comment. But here we go again. This time I need some verbs.
Verb ending in “est”
Verb ending in “ing”
Verb ending in “ed”</strong
Reply here with your suggestions.
smelliest
vexing
knighted
best
running
waited
I don’t know any verbs ending in “est,” but an adjective would be Steve-Jobs-iest.
gallumphing
Martinized
Yes, I realized later that I meant “adjective ending in ‘est'” but everyone else overlooked my mistake. THANKS, IAN!
(heartshape)
(fartnoise)
boldest
blinding
birthed
tastiest, typing, colored
Molest
Molesting
Molested
If being bad at leaving comments was a sport, I would be CRUSHING right now.
I need Five (5) adjectives
Reply here with your suggestions.
hard, dirty, powerful, sordid, hermaphroditic
red
funny
blue
metallic
brown
stinky, useful, loose, thirsty, plump
blunt
burnt
bloated
buoyant
bent
Rad
Glad
Sad
Mad
Plaid
Next on the list:
I need a job and a number.
Reply here with your suggestions.
jizz mopper, 23
plumber, 1
Game Show Host, 64
Hedge Fund Manager, 48
Pie Maker
3.14
This one’s fun. Give me
A familiar expression or hip catchphrase.
Reply here with your suggestions.
All that and a bag of chips.
You go, girl
bop, bop, bop.
Got any cheese?!
Talk to the hand
That’s racist!
You might be a redneck if…
A scrub ain’t gonna get no love from me, wealthy older/dying males please reply.
Keep going! You’re having fun! This time I need
Three (3) nouns and a type of flowers.
Reply here with your suggestions.
chair, dildo, arrow
pansies
box, tree, can
rose
sorry, i meant roses.
carrot, hacky sack, elbow
Magnolia
Handgun
Rose Tattoo (the tattoo)
Rose Tattoo (the band)
Do you mean type, or variety, of flowers? Type: monoecious. Variety: Andy
Opium
Codeine
Heroin
Poppies
Just a few more now. Give me:
An insulting nickname
Reply here with your suggestions.
Pig tits.
“Kevin Arnold”
Cad
Professor farts
Joey Bag-of-doughnuts
Stench Machine
Those are clearly socks, not a penis. Come on, now.
Almost done! Now I need
A famous female singer and also a terrible band.
I know “terrible band” may seem subjective. So think of a band that is sort of universally accepted as being terrible. Like the Ishtar of bands.
Reply here with your suggestions.
Gwen Stefani, Nickleback
LOL. Nickelback IS the Ishtar of bands. WINNER!
Carrie Underwood, Jesus Jones
Bette Midler, The Jumpies.
Fuck. The Jumpies are a real band. 3 Doors Down.
Tina Turner, Creed
Billie Holiday
The Pixies
Hahaha! The Pixies? COME ON!
I suspect someone is being hilarious.
Martika
Kids Incorporated
Last one!
I need you to give me The worst album of the 1980s
Reply here with your suggestions.
“Boys in Heat,” Britny Fox
“When Does Night Come?” The Jumpies.
Changing it to Natalie Merchant. Didn’t hate any 80’s albums.
Starship – Knee Deep in the Hoopla
Failing that, maybe Richard Marx’s S/T
Rod Stewart – Body Wishes
The Outfield – “Play Deep”
David Hasselhoff, Night Rocker
Proof:
http://rateyourmusic.com/release/album/david_hasselhoff/night_rocker/
Roxette – Look Sharp!
Great White “…Twice Shy”
OH MAN – Last but not least! I forgot that the story needs a title! Reply here and give it your best shot!
“No One Tells a Navy Man When He’s Had Enough To Drink”
The Notebooks.
A Look At My Suggestion Box
Avatar: Dark of the Titanic Moon, Part Two (the Deathly Hallows)
They Told Him Not to Shave
My Adventures in Dungeon Crawling (Undercover)