“Urban Rhapsody” from BRATZ: The Musical

The scene: Cloe, Sasha and Jade have just snuck out of the house after an all evening bender of vodka mixed with V8 Splash, stolen from Jessica’s mom.  Jessica, a precocious 5 year-old with the propensity toward long tantrums followed by consecutive days of bottomless joy, has been their caretaker ever since she got them for her birthday the previous year.  She is currently sleeping soundly under her Hello Kitty bedspread in the corner of the room.  The curtains flutter playfully in the open window next to her head…

[sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody – click here if you would like the tune in the background, you’ll need to open it in another window so you can karaoke it…]

Is this the real life –

Is this just fantasy –

Caught in a manslide-

No escape from reality-

Open your eyes

Look up my thighs and see –

I’m just a po’ ho, I need your sympathy

Because I’m easy come, easy go

A little bi, little ho

Anytime you need a blow, doesn’t really matter to me,

To me.

(8 count)


Mama, just met a man,

Got drunk and pressed my luck

Pulled his trigger, now I’m fucked

Mama, a new life had just begun,

But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away –

Mama oooh,

Didn’t mean to make you cry –

Doc said I’ll be back again this time tomorrow –

Carry on, carry on, passion’s all that matters –

(8 count)


Tuesday! My time has come!

Does anybody have a dime?

Body’s aching all the time

Goodbye everybody –

I’ve got to go –

Gotta leave you all behind and drink some 40 proof –

Mama – ooo – (any time you need a blow)

I don’t want to die,

I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all –



I see a little silhouetto of a man…

Gotta douche! Gotta douche! Where did that damn man go?

Butter, carbs and shortening – very very frightening me –

Ass of J Lo, Ass of J Lo,

Ass of J Lo, Ass of J Lo

Paris, Britney – magnifico –

But I’m just a po’ ho and nobody loves me –

She is just a po’ ho from a po’ family!

Spare her this life from this life on the streetz!


Easy come, easy ho, will you let me go?

Shut up, bitch, no! We will not let you go – let her go –

Shut up, bitch, no! We will not let you go – let her go –

Shut up, bitch, no! We will not let you go – let her go –

We’ll not let you go – lemme go!

We’ll not let you go – lemme go!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no means yes!

C’mon mami, c’mon papi, c’mon mami lemme go –

Snoopp D-O-Double-G has a place in his crib for me, for me, for me!


So you think you can bone me and spit in my eye –

So you think you can love me and leave me to die –

Oh baby – can’t do this to me baby –

Just gotta get off – just gotta off right here –


Oooh yeah!  Oooh yeah!

Passion’s all that matters,

Any 6-year-old can see,

Passion’s all that matters, passion’s all that matters to me,


Any time you need a blow…


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ERIKA RAE is the author of Devangelical, a humor memoir about growing up Evangelical (Emergency Press, December, 2012). She is editor-in-chief at Scree Magazine and nonfiction editor at The Nervous Breakdown. Erika earned her MA in Lit­er­a­ture and Lin­guis­tics from the Uni­ver­sity of Hong Kong and to this day can ask where the bath­room is in Can­tonese, although it is likely that she will not under­stand the answer. In her dream world, she fan­cies her­self a kung fu mas­ter clev­erly dis­guised as a gen­tle moun­tain dweller, eagerly antic­i­pat­ing dan­ger at the bot­tom of every latte. When she is not whipping one of her 3 children and denying them bread with their broth, she runs an ISP with her husband from their home in the Colorado Rockies.

One response to “Bratz: The Musical”

  1. […] And then there’s the musical version of Bratz… […]

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