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When I was a teenager, I believed I had a special gift. I imagined I could sense the forces of good and evil.
For me, unseen spirits were everywhere: behind the sofa, hiding in corners, perching in rafters, standing at the foot of my bed. Some were good, some were evil. I could feel them watching me. When they went past me, they made my skin ripple into defense mode, shooting my hairs into attention as if they were spiny quills that could function as armor. One of Fear’s cruelest jokes.
Anyhow, angels and demons filled my adolescence, thanks in large part to my radical Youth Group. Based on ancient biblical text, a full one-third of the angels were thrown to this planet from the spiritual dimension after a little disagreement between Lucifer and God. Not knowing the starting number of angels makes it a little tricky to estimate at what count this puts the planetary-based demonic forces, but I imagine they’ve got a fairly hefty camp down here. In the church of my youth, for example, we were well aware of demonic influence in our daily lives. Temptation could occur – and did – nearly every minute of the day.
Wish you had her car * think about sex * don’t be the first to say you’re sorry * you are better than her * wish you had her boyfriend * tell your boss you’re working * watch PG-13 * think about sex with your boss * buy a lotto ticket * (sex) * speed * tell the officer you weren’t * say damn * think about sex with the officer * tell her she doesn’t look fat.
I’m telling you, every damn minute.
If my feelings back then were any indication of reality, of course, that would mean that each person has a demon around them pretty much constantly. Perhaps they are extraordinarily zippy and go from person to person at a rapid rate, but if what we as a congregation felt was any gauge, it stands to reason that each person must have at least one demon next to them at all times. Taking into account that demons probably enjoy other activities from time to time (coffee breaks, bone fire dancing, volleyball, etc.), then it is also reasonable to assume that they rotate around a bit.
For the sake of factoring in a life for the demon, let’s just say that the demon spends on average 50% of his or her existence on matters of human temptation. At nearly 7 billion people on this planet, it is reasonable to assume 2 demons per person for full coverage, making the total demonic headcount somewhere around 14 billion. This does not, of course, factor in any Hell-bound demons—which may or may not be counted in the one-third evicted from Heaven’s gates after aforementioned power struggle—nor does it factor in the exclusion (or inclusion, for that matter) of any sort of union type benefits.
So, at 14 billion demons, the one thing I could count on was that there were 28 billion angels. Which brings to light an obvious problem: The Bible never said how many of those angels resided on planet earth.
Think about it, God threw 14 billion (or thereabouts) demons to the earth, but how many angels do you see in the Bible? There’s the chorus that sings when Jesus is born. There’s the one who wrestles with Jacob. A couple show up in the town of Sodom once and nearly get gang raped. One delivers some sort of news to Mary once. Aside from a few other mentions, that’s about it.
So, what was I supposed to believe? Sure, there could be two angels for every demon here on earth, but there is certainly no guarantee of this. Do half reside down here to match the demonic forces while the other half live heaven-side where they can attend regular choir practice and be on hand for spontaneous profound trumpet blowing? Do some of them simply have summer homes here, but their main residence is up on high?
To make things even more problematic as a teenager, I knew that if I wanted the help of an angel, I had to ask for it. And I don’t mean a general “protect me today” type prayer, oh no. It had to be specific. Please go with me today to the corner of 15th and Pearl and protect me from anybody who may wish harm on me or my wallet and who also happens to be wearing leather chaps and a ballet tutu.
Consequently, I had angels and demons on my mind a lot. I was in tune with them. I felt them. Being from a church born in the Holiness Movement and a close cousin to the Assembly of God, I was pretty sure I knew that angels were all protestant Holy Rollers. When my parents took me to the Notre Dame Cathedral in France, my skin got all jittery when I was surrounded by Catholic demons. Later, at the Hill of Cumorah in upstate New York, an educational pilgrimage to see what the Mormons were up to, I felt the dark cloud of oppression weighing upon me. On the trip to Manitou Springs, CO, passing by a porto-fountain outside a New Age bookshop with Yanni playing over the loudspeakers, my very soul nearly shuddered to ash.
I began to educate myself. I read books like Frank Peretti’s This Present Darkness in which angels and demons battled over control of the Illuminati’s lair, an unlikely small town in the middle of the US of A. I watched television shows like Michael Landon’s Highway to Heaven and Touched By an Angel. I learned that angels don’t always have wings, sometimes wore lipstick and even occasionally fall in love.
But even so, with all of my knowledge and premonitions, I wanted a sign that what I was feeling was, in fact, real. I spent hours on my knees by my bed at night begging God for just a peek.
Please God, I’m going to open my eyes now. And when I do, please let me see an angel. It doesn’t have to be a long look because I think I might wet myself, but I really need to know that you’ve got me covered here. Ready…go.
And nothing ever happened.
OK, God. If you won’t show me an angel, then give me some other sign. I don’t know, maybe a quick look at my dead grandmother or something. No wait, that sounds freaky. How about just a flicker. A flicker of an angel in my room and I’ll leave you alone on this topic for the rest of my life. Deal? Ok, ready….
When that didn’t work, I attempted to find signs in inanimate objects. You know the kind I mean: the Mother Mary on tortillas, Cheetos that look like Jesus on the cross (Cheesus!), paintings that weep blood…things of that nature.
And still, nothing ever happened.
Until now.
All of my questioning and a lifetime of doubts has been put to rest by this one glimpse into the spiritual realm.
Without further ado, I present to you:
Jesus on my pumpkin.
I have received my sign.
(And just to clarify, his face is in the upper left corner – in profile. It is NOT the weird tramp looking guy in center under the hat.)
So why now? Why when my faith has dipped to an all-time low and I’m nothing but a starving writer has Jesus decided to appear to me on a gourd? I don’t know. But I suspect that the question has something to do with the answer.
For more information, please watch this informative video of me and my pumpkin.
…and when you’re done with that, please go to eBay and bless a starving writer.
(Want more to the story? The Denver Post just gave me quite the endorsement.)
You may, in fact, be the cutest person in the whole wide world, Erika Rae.
You are such an excellent writer and story teller and opening your posts is like opening a bag of sunshine.
I love the way your mind works, I love the way you explain how your mind works. I love this piece and I love the pumpkin.
It’s totally Jesus. I see that now. I thought it was Mr. Ed to begin with, but that was just the devil trying to trick me.
I hope you make a million dollars from the pumpkin and use the money to buy a plane so you can come and visit me.
xx
Yes! If I make a million dollars, I will definitely come out to see you. Mortgage first, though. Hahaha!
You, Erika Rae, are the most awesomest person ever.
And your video is adorable.
It makes me chomp like an alligator 🙂
HAHAHAHA. No, Slade – YOU are the awesomest. I feel like a panini now.
Erika, you are my hero.
“Type: ICON”
Never go John the Baptist when you can go FULL JESUS. NEVAR!!!
Heck yes, Becky. Thanks to you, I have Jesus on my pumpkin. ( :
That’s not Jesus. It’s a woolly mammoth.
Plus, Erika, what you suffered is the suffering due to non-Catholics.
Saints solve the problems! You needed Saints!
No need for angels.
But seriously. This is great. You have this deft touch with how spiritual matters work their ways into adolescents. You also write considerably defter sentences than the one I just wrote.
No, no – see, there are two faces in this, I think. Jesus is the one in the upper left – it’s his profile. Looking at the same thing? (It’s sort of like the famous picture of the beautiful woman / ugly hag – depends on how you look at it)
And we didn’t need saints – we believed we *were* saints. Sheesh.
And thanks, Don. Awfully sweet coming from a writer such as yourself.
That’s Jesus alright, right there. Oh my, Erika, your video is so hilarious, and — I agree with Zara — adorable. Good luck on e-Bay. nothing under $10,000 should do…
Well, thank God somebody else sees the resemblance. Hahaha. Thanks, Stefan. So, I take it you’ll be making second bid, then? ( : Do I hear a $10,001?
New pic inserted. You cannot possibly see a woolly mammoth now.
No, this time it’s clearly a Neanderthal. Notice the heavy browridges, the high cheekbones, large nose, and so on.
It’s a Neanderthal riding a woolly mammoth.
I have to admit, Don. That’s pretty good.
It’s like a post-Bunnicula pumpkin. Mmmmm. Now I want me some white pumpkin pie.
I don’t think I have ever contemplated a white pumpkin pie in all my days. So, you’ll be doing the baking for Thanksgiving this year, dear?
I see that others have come to realize your awesomeness!
Like all of your other items, this is just…well, genius and — with no fear of being repetitive — awesome.
And, of course, you know I always support you! First bid, BITCHES!
JORGE IS THE COOLEST EVER!!!! Thanks for the bid! And thank you for all of the support you’ve shown. Wow. I am completely humbled.
Anytime, dear!
It’s easy to support and help such an awesome (there’s that word again) person like you.
I want to comment about how this was so spiritually moving…….but I’m busy looking for Cheesus in my Cheetos. I’ll be back when I get my sign.
Bless your little broke writer self.
Also, I totally missed that second face in the Holy Pumpkin until I watched the video!
I think I need to circle it in the photo. I think a lot of people think I’m looking at that ugly face in the middle. Argh!
Jesus has a corncob pipe, just like I’d always imagined! Maybe I mentioned this before … but I went to a freaky church school until junior high, and your stories regarding your own evangelical upbringing always sound so, so familiar! I’ll have to tell you sometime about the bathroom Jesus of my youth.
Is that what that is hanging out of his mouth? I WAS wondering. Hahaha. And yes – we must compare stories. One of my favorite topics in the whole world. Bathroom Jesus! I love it.
Oh, man, “Bathroom Jesus” is a loaded term if I’ve ever heard one!
True that.
Yep, that’s him alright, like an image in the back of an old Good News bible except with a better sense for figure drawing. I can’t imagine what I’d do if I came upon something like this. But I like the way you build up to this and especially the descriptions of you counting demons and angels.
There are so many questions I have about angels and demons, it’s not even funny. Seriously – I would bore you to TEARS with them all. But yes, one of the biggest I have is regarding number. The second biggest question would be about the idea of demons in hell vs on planet earth. If a third of the angels were thrown to earth, then theoretically, how did so many end up in our culture’s version of hell. Unless…hey wait. Is Hell on Earth somewhere? Accessible through a strip mall in Myrtle Beach perhaps?
I always assumed Hell on Earth was accessible through a TGI Fridays somewhere in Ocean City.
You’re not kidding, Nathaniel. Except I’m not sure that TGI Fridays is the gateway – I think it’s the destination.
Erika Rae,
It took me a long time, but I finally saw your “Jesus.”
I had hoped he’d have a spunkier look, but, hey, he is what he is, right?
I can’t buy your pumpkin.
I’m going away, sort of, for a while.
Someone needs to appreciate it.
Until it wrinkles and shrivels into itself,
and then gets all wet and smelly.
I’m just not the one to do that,
but I’m positive there is someone out there
who fits the bill!
I just have to think you’re not seeing my Jesus, Irene. There are two faces on this guy – like in that famous pic with the beautiful woman and the hag (like I explained to Don, above). Jesus’ face is in the upper left – not in the center. Partial profile. Has a friendly smile. The edge of his mouth looks like he has something like a stick or possibly a sprig of grass hanging out. The OTHER face looks like an old tramp or someone. Sort of freaky looking. Are you seeing the same one as me?
Erika Rae,
Okay, I finally see the poor old woman in the center, big nose, looking forlorn.
The “Jesus” is easy to see, but the video has to be stopped at the end to look at the figure long enough for me to see her.
I think she needs our help.
“Jesus” is doing find.
How can we help the poor forlorn woman, Erika Rae?
The old woman needs Jesus.
Erika Rae,
Old woman is virtually inside Jesus.
What more does she have to do to get his attention?
He’s just standing there looking regal.
He needs to get to work!
OK, Irene. I circled his face. Does that help???
You look gorgeous on camera. What’s your skin secret? Are you well-lit or do you really have perfect, flawless, baby skin? Simon and I both want to know (I’m speaking for him, although he doesn’t know it).
Your Jesus gord looks more like a Moses gord to me. It looks like an old bearded man hunched over and holding a cane, no? Or maybe it’s Methusela. Too old for Jesus. But, if you INSIST, I’ll go along with it. Just ’cause you look so dang good on camera.
OK, Jessica. That’s very sweet but I simply cannot cut you in on my take from eBay. ( : NO – my skin is HORRID. Good make-up job, maybe. Bad lighting, definitely. Whatever the case, sweet! I fooled you!
And like I’m telling people above, make sure you’re looking at the upper left of the guy – not the center. The center guy is horrid – looks like a freaky wizard or a tramp. But Jesus is all happy looking slightly to his right. Has a friendly face. Do you see it now?
I know it know, Blau!
(thanks for asking. And Erika, as someone who has a lot of issues with his own skin, I can comfortably say that whatever you may say, it’s all in your head. Your skin look great. Although we could probably get to 10,000 comments with a post about people and what they think of their own skin)
Funny how people are usually aware of their own skin problems, but body odor – not so much.
Oh, man, and halitosis? People have to be told.
Yes, exactly. Not telling them is a form of lying to them. Hence, a sin.
How’s Plan B coming along?
Lying, watching cable, having a vagina… the list of sins is almost endless! Unless it’s just those three things, in which case, the devil’s greatest trick was Models Inc..
It’s going well, thank you! Of 20, 3 are down, and more are on their way. There will probably be a post about it in the next few weeks. After I hurriedly cut swathes of people off the group list because I spammed them and their loved ones like it was delicatessen half-price sale day in Hawai’i.
…”because I spammed them and their loved ones like it was delicatessen half-price sale day in Hawai’i.”
Hilarious, Smithson.
And hey! 3 down! Nice work.
I was pleased with that one myself.
Yes! I’m aiming for at least four by the end of the week.
At least.
Simon. When you say “having a vagina” do you mean that there is one on your body now? Or are you saying it the way one might say, “having a pizza” or “having a beer”? Please explain.
Wow. I can honestly say using the phrase ‘having a vagina’ similar to ‘having a beer’ has never, ever crossed my lexicon before.
No, it was more in the way that historically, being a woman = being the devil in a lot of religious sectors.
I still can’t get over the fact it was one of you people who gave Adam the apple.
Assholes.
Okay, so when you say “you people” you don’t mean Americans, right?! And when you say “assholes” you mean ARSEholes, correct?! GAWD this language thing can be so confusing!
I hope you will use “having a vagina” in the same way you use “having a beer” from now on.
I freakin’ love you guys.
@Jessica: correct on both fronts!
Heh.
What a Saturday afternoon coffee with my friends that will be.
‘So, get this: I was in the middle of having a vagina last night when someone came knocking at the door…’
Oh, man. I feel so strange about hitting the ‘add comment’ button and knowing my name will forevermore be attached to that on the internet.
@Erika Rae,
You are unquestionably gorgeous.
That is not what we are talking about here.
That poor old woman needs our help.
Thanks, TNB mommy. You’re the sweetest.
But that woman doesn’t need our help at all. She is standing in the heart of Jesus.
@Jessica Anya,
Her secret is youth.
I tried.
I can’t buy it.
Yes, but even young people have acne, or acne scars, or picky-scabs or something. She’s got baby-butt skin. Looks all dewy and plump (the skin, not her).
Yes, we’ve all go through that youth thing. I’m into green tea now. Slap some o’ that green tea on the skin and aim for the Erika look.
Jessica – go look at Jesus now and tell me what you think. I circled his face.
Your word is The Word and I believe The Word!
No, seriously, I can see it in the circle now. He’s got a bit of a puffy nose. In most paintings/illustrations he has a more refined nose. But, hey, we need more Big Nose Role Models in the world so I’m all for JC with a mighty conk.
See, Jessica – you’re thinking of Jesus in terms of the medieval Anglo Jesus. I’ll bet he did have a large conk. A large and mighty conk!
I wonder if Satan is hiring? Leading humans into temptation is good work, if you can get it.
OK, off to watch the video…that pumpkin is amazing.
I’m thinking there must be tiers of demons – some which are higher paid than others. These are the ones set to work on the living saints of the earth. Now that’s got to be some serious money right there.
And, like, how amazing. You think $10,000 amazing? You, Stefan and Jorge care to get into a little bidding war? ( :
The image on the pumpkin reminds me of the Stairway to Heaven poster – the hooded figure holding the lantern. Can I alternately call it the “Zeppelin Pumpkin,” or will that impact the bid value on eBay.
Thanks for the thoroughly depressing outlook on publishing first novels, as I tidy up the second chapter of my book, and get ready to send a new draft of a proposal to my agent. If I still drank, I’d probably go drink a lot. I guess I’ll load up on chocolate and Red Bull.
Erika Rae, you crack my shit up. Thanks for a fun ass read!
Sadly, Scott agrees with you and even argued with me before I put it up on eBay on this point. He even put on Stairway as loud as it would go tonight just to grind it in. And now he’s read your comment and he will never freaking let me live it down.
Thing is, I can’t see it. I just can’t. I don’t know. Maybe Jesus just isn’t appearing to you two. I’m just sayin’.
Or, it might have something to do with the combination of chocolate and Red Bull together. One of the two.
You are so awesome. I think it actually looks a bit like Jimmy Hendrix doing the shocker rocker with his hand.
Exactly what my husband said. Took one look–more of a glance–and went, “It’s Jimi Hendrix.”
Maybe it’s Jesus doing the shocker rocker.
The Total Demonic Headcount is funny and genuinely scary simultaneously, Erika. Wrestling with all that as a preteen must have been incredibly wearisome and fraught. No doubt we’ll find out in your book, but your post made me want to randomly adopt and raise hordes of at-risk evangelical kids under the banner of free range secularism.
Also, it’s not Jesus, it’s Lemmy. In some quarters the same thing.
I will keep “made me want to randomly adopt and raise hordes of at-risk evangelical kids under the banner of free range secularism” with me forever.
You might have something there with Lemmy.
I’m off to read your post next.
My husband and I just watched your video with big smiles on our faces. You are ridiculously adorable and so very pretty. (:
I hope you get a good price for your Holy Ghost Pumpkin!
Now, take out the “ly” and the “adorable and so very pretty” and you have hit the nail on the head.
Glad to have given you a smile. Thanks, Tawni!
Erika, more than likely your absolutely right. It is Jesus. But seen another way, it could also be the Grim Reaper smoking a joint.
Nah, on second thought let’s just leave it at Jesus.
Clearly, Rich Ferguson, that is Jesus smoking a fatty.
Best thing on YouTube right now. And believe me, thanks to my kids, I have watched *every* variation on the “This is Sparta” remix, and you’ve pwned them all.
Wow. Even better than the video where the camera takes shots of people punching each other in slow motion???? Dude.
(See, Uche, this is exactly why I adore you. You are ridiculously good (read: bad) for my ego.)
Oh I do mean best. As in bestest. And I’m not just saying that because your good vibes get diffracted into my pool. BTW, Super fly the way this cosmos of ours works. What did Whitney and Wyclef say? “it would take an eternity to break us; and the chains of Amistad couldn’t hold us.”
Wonderful. I absolutely loved this. Also, thanks for linking to my old post. That’s you and Simon have both liked to it… I’m honoured.
I loved the pumpkin picture. Those things are creepy. Is that a Cinderella pumpkin? It’s shaped like it, but it doesn’t have all the warts and whatnot. Those things are awesome.
The only problem is that in China they’ve blocked YouTube. I can get around certain elements of the “Great Firewall” but YouTube remains a mere memory. That embedded video is nothing but a big white square.
If you have a place where you can receive largeish files, let me know and I can drop the .flv there, which should play fine loaded in your browser regardless of Great Firewall.
I appreciate that, Uche. The problem here is that not only do we have the Great Firewall, but we’re also using something not much more advanced than dial-up… I downloaded a 990mb file from a torrent site last week and it took me more than 24 hours online to get it.
Dude. You downloaded almost a gig of data in 24 hours in CHINA …from a TORRENT …. and you think you have a slow connection???
Scott is sitting here shaking his head. ( :
Oh, but I LOVE “The Great Firewall”. That is awesome.
It’s painfully slow. Takes me an age to open any website. YouTube is an impossibility, torrents take days… It’s like being back in the freakin’ 90s. Back in Korea I could download a 2 gig movie in less than 15 mins. I’m no longer a patient internet user…
Scott tells me that save Singapore, Korea has some of the fastest bandwidth available in the world.
(We crazy mountain ISPs have speed envy)
Korean internets = teh l33t internets?
We have slow internet in Australia. 2gb < 15? I hate you, Wills. But goddamnit, I respect you.
Actually, I don’t think even Singapore beats Korea. According to a couple of sources, Korean internet is the fastest on earth, and I even read somewhere that my old city (Daegu) was the fastest of the fastest.
Here’s some more details: http://articles.cnn.com/2010-03-31/tech/broadband.south.korea_1_broadband-plan-south-korea-broadband-internet?_s=PM:TECH
@Simon – I’m sorry, but I didn’t have time to read that comment. I was moving so fast through cyberspace that it was a mere blur to me.
Jesus was a wizard, right? That looks like a wizard to me.
Either way, I bet it tastes… divine.
Heh.
Oh. OK. And I was sort of freaked out before. But if it’s only a wizard….
SIMON SMITHSON! Stay away from my Jesus Pumpkin!
I can’t help it! The power of Christ compels me!
Oh, and I forgot to say how mich I liked the line ‘my soul nearly shuddered to ash’.
Why, thank you. Just telling it like it is.
Yanni. Sheesh.
@Greg,
The video is important to understanding the piece. You can’t just go commenting before you watch the video! You don’t have all the information.
Just saying.
“* think about sex with the officer . . . ” HAHAHAHA!
“. . . passing by a porto-fountain outside a New Age bookshop with Yanni playing over the loudspeakers, my very soul nearly shuddered to ash.” HOOOT!
Youthful time well spent, Erika Rae. 😉
(BTW, I think Jesus may be in the artwork behind you in the vid, which would be easier to mail to a bidder anyway, so you can use the ghost gourd for carving on the other side, and its innards for ghost pie—–assuming, of course, that you don’t mind parting with the artwork.)
Can’t wait for your new book!
You people and your ghost pie! I’m sleeping with my doors locked tonight. And really? You think Jesus is in my sarong? Sweet!
“You people and your ghost pie!”
We just don’t like to see a perfectly good ghost gourd go to waste (and in a ferocious bidding war, to boot), Erika sweet Rae.
Not to continue a continuing thread within this stack of comments: I can’t see anything but fat ugly guys in the gourd, girl.
Even if I turn my Vaio upside down and sideways I can’t see anything other than fat ugly guys, and Jesus couldn’t have been fat bcuz he had to walk over miles of rough terrain to do his talking-to-the-folks thingie and gathering at the river or lake with loaves of bread and baskets of fishes about to overflow everywhere. In fact, Jesus prolly more resembled his upraised-hands statue that got snuffed which you had posted oinks ago. Strong and whatever, I mean.
The not-fat Jesus issue having been resolved, let’s tackle the issue of wha’sup with somebody who can’t see Jesus in your ghost gourd. Are they themselves demons from hell and on the devil’s payroll? No, they are not.
Here’s my take on demons, sweetest of sweet Erika Rae who does look totally adorable in that vid—–the first time ever I’ve seen you “live”(!!) . . . . my take is that there are no demons (a huge payroll bonus for the devil). There are weird tragic hanging-onto-earth souls of now-deceased people, who possibly could frighten the bejeepers out of live people by appearing ghostly to them or knocking ashtrays off tables or something, but nothing really harmful, despite the stories told by priests who exorcise and by novelists and filmmakers who go on and on frightening people and thereby selling lotsa books and films.
OK, so demons do not exist. But angels exist—-and as you very well have been taught, they are tiers of orders of strong beings who protect us from stuff, usually the messes we get ourselves in, but also sometimes icky and sometimes even life-threatening situations. Why angels do not “save” or rescue *everybody* is anybody’s guess and there’re plenty of explanations, only one which satisfies me logically but which it would take me 4 pages to adequately explain.
Therefore, though I cannot see Jesus in your ghost gourd, it does not mean I’m a demon bcuz they do not exist, and I prolly am not an angel bcuz I’m a human being.
A cool and sensible Jesus would defo be in your sarong!!!!
OK, Judy – I have circled his face and inserted a new pic. Check it out. Do you still not see him?
OK, Erika Rae, I got it——Jesus looks just like dear Rodent smoking his pipe and wearing his black winter cap. Maybe Jesus was Scottish—-and from Glasgow.
Here comes Rodent. He has a look at the photo and says: “Of course Jesus was Scottish……he couldnae been English!” And Rodent should know, Erika Rae, his dad was a minister of the Church of Scotland.
Yes yes yes I want Jesus in my sarong! Is that blasphemous? I think that Cosmic Birther of All Radiance and All Vibration would approve my jolly, earthy humour.
Do another ghost gourd vid, my dear, and this time WEAR the sarong, don’t have it hanging up there on the wall. Thank you say all the enamoured men of TNB. hee hee.
Your video is so adorable I just want to cuddle with it.
I have to come clean here – I don’t see Jesus. I see Swamp Thing, and he’s raising his mossy hand in the devil horns of a true metalhead. Or maybe one of the Ringwraiths from Lord of the Rings. Or one of those anthropomorphic slugs from Futurama.
But still, best of luck in selling this freak fruit! And despite your low advance, I can personally guarantee you at least one book sale next year.
Face in profile at top left. Honestly, Matt. Swamp thing.
Oh, and try NO advance. Sigh.
(How could I possibly sell a Swamp thing pumpkin on eBay?)
What?! Are you kidding me? A Swamp Thing pumpkin would TOTALLY sell. Assuming it lasts long enough without rotting, you could seel that thing for a mint at San Diego Comic Con! Never underestimate the spending power of the nerd horde!
Matt – I inserted a pic above with his face circled. Do you see him now?
Mmmmm….nope. But I DO see Tom Waits. Or maybe that’s Leonard Cohen.
I haven’t watched the video yet, but I see Hulk Hogan with a doob hanging out his mouth.
brb
HAHAHAHAHA
Matt! I too see the devil horns – heh. I bet Jesus was pretty open minded, but I don’t know if even he would have felt comfortable throwing the horns.
As everyone else has noted Erika, you are too cute for words. And while I can’t offer you a book advance, I can offer you an advance sale. Link us up when you can! I can’t wait to read your book!
…which is clearly why those aren’t really horns. Jesus would never do that. I mean, really.
Thanks, Dana!
I too grew up
in the Assembly
& you know what?
I miss it too.
I had a dream
about
rock & roll guitars
& Erika Rae
& Rachel Rae
giggly in their
sherbet-colored
underwear.
But it’s totally
PG-13.
Your young shall
dream dreams
& your old
see visions
That was SO not a dream and you know it. Rachael and me – we’re practically sisters, you know. Aw, I’m just kidding. It had to be a dream. I would never wear sherbet anything, let alone underwear.
If the young dream dreams and the old see visions – what does it mean when you’re in the middle and you’re just…seeing things?
I would totally buy your holy ghost pumpkin. I mean, I’m not going to, but I would. Thankfully, I’ve been less worried about demons and more about bad people. If Chuck Norris suddenly appears on a pumpkin, email me directly.
This is hilarious. Your video is great. And you have a bid! That’s so rad. I hope your Jesus pumpkin sells for thousands. It’s clearly worth it.
Gloria – you so rock. How could I have not seen the Chuck Norris connection before? That pumpkin is so Chuck Norris that it could totally smash itself.
Thanks for the support!
You need to read more Dan Brown and listen to more Grateful Dead and then everything will become clear to you, my child.
As an aside, you are one of my fave peeps in the history of ever.
Hey – I wonder if you played Grateful Dead while reading Dan Brown, would it go right along with it like a soundtrack?
(Backatcha, Richrob)
Thanks, Richrob. You’ve worked your way up to the top of my list, as well. But I’m confused – I thought I already responded to this comment – and here it is gone. It was something about…if you play Grateful Dead while reading The DaVinci Code, will it go right along with it like a soundtrack?
I’m seeing both of them. Drink a bit too much wine last night, Rollergirl?
Hey – it just appeared back!!! I swear it wasn’t there before. And no I didn’t drink too much wine. Dude. I’m trying to sell a pumpkin with a miraculous image on it. Do you think I have money for wine???
Erika, you’re too funny!
“Please God, I’m going to open my eyes now. And when I do, please let me see an angel. It doesn’t have to be a long look because I think I might wet myself, but I really need to know that you’ve got me covered here. Ready…go.” I’m going to try that 😉
Good luck with your pumpkin on ebay!
Thanks, MJ! And you have no idea how many times I tried that. I even tried talking directly TO the angel, in case it was his call. So frustrating. Oh well, they only say you’re crazy if they talk back, right? See, DP? Not TOTALLY wack-a-doo!
OMG (or OMPumpkin)–you are so freaking adorable that I’m afraid you may have to sell YOURSELF on ebay if you really want to make up for that advance!
Giovanni just watched you on YouTube with me, and while I’m pretty sure he has no idea who Jesus is, he is now really, really smitten with you, and wanted to look at your photo in each and every one of the comments on the board, yelling, “Is that her again?” jubilantly every time he saw your face.
He’d bid on your pumpkin, but I don’t give him an allowance yet.
Has Bryan seen this? He’ll pee his pants laughing.
I’m glad he appreciates ridiculous, poverty-stricken girls. (Thanks, Giovanni! I’d send YOU the pumpkin, but it appears to be going to a bidder. There are 5 days left on the auction, though – it’s not too late to start washing windows for your mom!)
And I’m afraid Bryan has seen it. Heh.
[…] Read the original story! […]
You are on your way to becoming a saint.
Oh my. That will just never happen, Nick. I already lived the first half of my life as one and blew it. I hope God has a sense of humor. I’m sort of counting on it.
This is totally funny, because in my new novel, there’s a resume from a guy who cleaned up monkey feces. SO appropriate that we are in sync about mentioning this type of job….
So awesome. It’s our superhero telepathy kicking in.
EP authors are like that, somehow.
Though I’m very late in responding, I would simply like to add that I relate in the extreme to your YouTube commentary, Erika. I’ve silently cracked up every time I’ve spoken to my father in the last two years or so about my financial situation, only to have him ask about my income as a writer. “Are you on Mars?” I’ve fought the impulse to say. But he doesn’t live on Mars alone — it’s always entertaining to hear others speak of advances and whatnot.
I wish I could work out a way to clone your pumpkin. If I could, maybe we could split the ongoing proceeds.
Yeah, so I hate money right now, too. Why have we chosen this path, Duke? Are we insane? Quite probably. And yet…can’t seem to tear my fingers away from the keyboard. Love. It.
It’s an honor to have you drop into my little soap opera, btw. I hope everything gets sorted out for you, too. This pumpkin is a symbol for all of us, you know. ( ;
All hail the pumpkin!
A friend of mine made up a card that she told me to carry in my wallet: “I now release my resistance to money and allow it to flow effortlessly into my life!” She says it’s made a difference for her. I’ll report if it makes a difference for me.
It looks like Jesus is rehearsing the “Alas, poor Yorick!” speech from Hamlet. Jesus would make a great Hamlet.
Indeed he would, Simon. I wonder how far this pumpkin would go if I pushed it as Jesus performing Hamlet. It could make it all the way to Broadway. Just thinking out loud here.
Hey.
Hey wait.
What is this?
What is this?
I don’t like where this is headed at all.
Dude! $127.50. Not too shabby for a weed with a shepherd or Chuck Norris on it!
Nicely done, Erika Rae.
Thank you, ma’am. Here’s the funny thing. Turns out the person who bought it for $127.50 was a (wait for it) FAMILY member. Apparently I have done this all wrong. Said family member is insisting I put it back on the market for a much more fetching sum. So, if you see a pumpkin on eBay for one MILLION dollars (pinky to mouth corner), you’ll know it’s me still pimping my damned pumpkin. And by damned I mean holy, of course.
as in “The Family” or as in, “someone with your same last name”?
This could be a growth industry.
You know you can bruise the pumpkin when it’s just a wee gherkin, and it will grow up with a scar, right? Hey, it’s too easy. like printing money.
Erika Rae, this is Judy Prince on Rodent’s computer (hence no gravatar and the wrong name).
I just read in December’s OPRAH (“From Lawyer to Minister”) about pastor Susan Sparks (Madison Avenue Baptist Church) who 15 yrs ago was a Citibank attorney doing standup comedy around Manhattan after hours.
But she didn’t feel she had a purpose, so she quit her job and expanded her knowledge of world religions beyond her own Southern Baptist one, spending time with a Hindu family in India, meditating with Buddhist monks in Nepal and visiting an imam in Cairo.
Her turning point was in Calcutta at Mother Teresa’s orphanage when Anna, a 5 yr old deaf girl, sat in Sparks’s lap with her ear against her chest. Anna, sensing the vibrations when Sparks laughed, squealed with delight. They did the laughing and squealing thing for hours, and Sparks says: “It was like God dropped a sign: LAUGHTER AND SPIRITUALITY GO TOGETHER!”
Now when her church schedule permits, she tours the country with rabbi/comic Bob Alper and Muslim comedian Azhar Usman using religion as fodder for their act; e.g., “Southern Baptists don’t talk about sex,” Sparks says. “It could lead to dancing.”
She says comedy and ministry do the same thing: “They help people feel less alone. And that’s a very healing thing.”
Sparks’ first book, _Laughing Your Way to Grace_, was published last fall.
At Madison Avenue Baptist Church she preaches on such subjects as what Elvis fans can teach Christians (“They believe the King lives, honey, and we can all use some of that faith”).
She says, further: “If you can laugh at yourself, you can forgive yourself. And if you can forgive yourself, then you can forgive others.”
(Article author Arianna Davis)
Judy – that is just so beautiful and positive…I love love love it.
“Southern Baptists don’t talk about sex,” Sparks says. “It could lead to dancing.”
HAHAHAHAHA!
So awesome. Something tells me I would really like this woman. I love people of faith who can laugh at themselves.
Your writing is magic and I quietly love you for it.