Business has been absolutely booming this summer at Greg Boose’s Personalized Swimming Pool Signs, Inc. Below are a few recent orders that we’ve completed.

Pool Rules for Zombies

1. Walk; don’t shamble around with your arms out in front of you in and around the pool facility.

2. No bringing a shirtless George A. Romero to the pool area (unless he’s a zombie or has a day pass).

3. Acceptable swimwear is required in the pool facility and in the water. Tattered pants and the skin of the living are not acceptable.

4. Zombies under seven years old or less than four feet tall must be accompanied by a parent zombie or responsible zombie adult at all times. While in the water, the zombie parent or responsible zombie adult must remain within a disembodied arms reach.

5. No bringing outside human flesh or brains; all food must be bought at the designated pool snack bar.



Pool Rules for The World’s Tallest Woman

1. No using the pool without photographers present.

2. Stride in slow motion; don’t walk in and around the pool facility.

3. No engaging the lifeguard in unnecessary conversation about bone problems.

4. Sitting in a specially constructed beach chair that results in the absence of watching you struggle into and out of a normal beach chair will not be tolerated.

5. The use of sunscreen is encouraged and should be applied in less than 50 minutes.

6. Acceptable swimwear is required both in the pool facility and in the water. Sofa slipcovers and construction tarp are not acceptable swimwear.



Pool Rules for the 2nd Annual Beard of Bees Competition

1. No using the pool.



Pool Rules for Tom Cruise

1. No using the pool if you’re going to behave post-Jerry Maguire.

2. Walk; don’t run or hop over to the pool facility’s wicker couch.

3. Animals are not allowed in the building or pool area, with the exception of Katie Holmes or other guide dogs.

4. Persons who appear to be under the influence of alcohol or narcotics or bat craziness will be denied admission.

5. No exaggerated laughter in the pool.

6. No body thetans in the pool. You must shower before entering the pool.



Pool Rules for Jesus Christ

1. Diving or ascending is not permitted.

2. Water in pool may not be changed into wine.

3. No walking on water during lap swim times.

4. Toys, water wings, snorkels and masks are not allowed unless you are part of an organized class or you are the Son of God and can use invisible ones.

5. No glass, alcohol or myrrh is permitted anywhere in the pool area.

6. No using the Lord’s name in vain unless you are the Son of God and are cursing yourself for buying cheap invisible water wings.



Pool Rules for Han Solo

1. No smuggling foodstuff or Jedi into the pool facility.

2. Wookies are not allowed in the pool or pool facility, with the exception of those armed with a bowcaster.

3. No telling Hoth stories while in the pool.

4. Persons who appear to be under the influence of carbonite will be denied admission.

5. Diving in water less than nine feet deep, or back dives, somersaults, “cannon balls” or “death stars” from the side of the pool, or any other unsafe activities are not permitted.



Illustration by Chris Simmons

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GREG BOOSE grew up in northeast Ohio, got his MFA degree in Moorhead, MN, and now lives in Chicago. His writing has appeared on/in The Huffington Post,The Big Jewel, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicycle, Opium Magazine, McSweeneys.net, Hobart, Feathertale, Time Out Chicago, Chicago Public Radio, Chicago Reader, NFL.com and more. Along with his wife, he is the co-editor for BlackBook Magazine's guide to Chicago. He won the 2008 Readers' Choice Award and Editor's Choice Award for satire in Farmhouse Magazine.

You must be this tall to visit his website at gregboose.com.

Follow him on Twitter at Greg_Boose.

10 responses to “Pool Rules for Zombies, Jesus Christ, Tom Cruise, Han Solo and More”

  1. Joe Daly says:

    It started off funny, then went entirely off the rails (in a very, very good way) at the beard of bees competition. I love these Monday morning contributions.

  2. Zara Potts says:

    I love it!
    Now I can’t get the image of Jesus with water-wings out of my head. I wonder if he would swim nude?

  3. Dana says:

    “5. No exaggerated laughter in the pool.”

    I can never resist a good jab at old TC.

    Good stuff Greg!

  4. I thought the zombie part was funniest, but there’s nothing like a good Jesus Joke.

  5. Cynthia Hawkins says:

    This is great! I hope you’ll make an exception, in your Tom Cruise post-JM rules, for Les Grossman. Unless you, as I do, consider them to be two separate entities, one obviously superior to the other.

  6. Nancy says:

    Could you please add:

    All zombies must rinse grave dirt and blood off their bodies before entering the pool.

    Otherwise: gross.

    Also, once again SHARING!!!

  7. […] — Pool Rules for Zombies, Jesus Christ, Tom Cruise, Han Solo, and More […]

  8. “i wouldnt trust it dont do it”…

    “try thesis theme”…

  9. Miki Herrman says:

    Better do it than wish it done

  10. […] Info: thenervousbreakdown.com Jill Kushner is a two-time Emmy Award winning comedy writer and producer. Some of the shows […]

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