LEAD GUITARIST WANTED for local Land O Lakes rawk band. Male or female, 18 – 50. MUST BE NUDE. All original music, which means the vocalist would have to be able to collaborate and work out their vocal harmonies. Looking to add keys, and eventually horns and other nude people down the road. Contact Lenny V. at X1113

DRUMMER AND FIDDLER NEEDED I started a fun country band and am looking for a drummer and a fiddler who are serious about music and serious about playing music naked. We will be writing our own material but will also be performing some popular covers. Think George Strait meets naked Dolly Parton. Call Lenny V. at X1113

PRO METAL VOCALIST wanted!!! Music for our first album already recorded, working with great Kissimmee producer. Need an experienced, killer, melodic, nude vocalist with a unique/versatile sound who owns his or her own towels and sandals. Will the naked you complete this rocking puzzle? “Reach out and touch” Lenny V. at X1113

FEMALE PIANO/KEYBOARD PLAYER wanted to accompany Sinatra/Bennett/Williams style saloon singer for the Cyprus Cove nightclub, The Bare Den, and for private beach events where you may do more dancing than singing. Good paying gigs are out there and waiting for some great nude jazz. Contact Lenny V. at Cabana 5B by knocking 4 times, or by dialing X1113

DRUMMER NEEDED After only a week our drummer flaked out on us and quit. We need an experienced naked drummer right now for our jazz-fusion band! I’ve already written some songs and have an extensive library of me performing them in a mirrored room. Contact Lenny V. at X1113 or email [email protected] for links.

BASS PLAYER available for subbing all gigs. Will play naked for your resort’s band or for private parties. Can be there in an instant’s notice. Call Lenny V. at X1113

Illustration by Chris Simmons. A different version of this first appeared on The Big Jewel.

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GREG BOOSE grew up in northeast Ohio, got his MFA degree in Moorhead, MN, and now lives in Chicago. His writing has appeared on/in The Huffington Post,The Big Jewel, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicycle, Opium Magazine, McSweeneys.net, Hobart, Feathertale, Time Out Chicago, Chicago Public Radio, Chicago Reader, NFL.com and more. Along with his wife, he is the co-editor for BlackBook Magazine's guide to Chicago. He won the 2008 Readers' Choice Award and Editor's Choice Award for satire in Farmhouse Magazine.

You must be this tall to visit his website at gregboose.com.

Follow him on Twitter at Greg_Boose.

25 responses to “Music Classifieds from 
The Weekly Naturalist

  1. Irene Zion says:

    You are weird, Greg. Just saying.

    We have a nude beach here. Until yesterday, as far as I could tell,the people going to the nude beach were wearing clothes until they got there.
    Yesterday, a man about 70 walked to the nude beach in a string thong.
    It was a decidedly unlovely sight.
    Had I known you were looking, I could have asked him if he played an instrument.
    (He had a very, very good tan.)

  2. Oh, man. Now I don’t need more coffee. This is, as usual, a tremendous a.m. pick me up. Awesome.

    And @Irene: why does everybody now wield lightsabers in his/her avatar? Did I not get the memo?

  3. JM Blaine says:

    Somebody sent me a link
    for Nudist Priest
    a while back
    an all nude Judas Priest
    cover band
    and boy was it awful.

    awful good.

  4. Gloria says:

    Of course he plays bass.

  5. Rich Boucher says:

    “Need an experienced, killer, melodic, nude vocalist with a unique/versatile sound”

    This was the part that got me and forced my reply on here.

    After reading the entire thing, I literally don’t know what to do with myself.

  6. Rich Boucher says:

    Okay, Greg, but I’m going to do nude metal, it’s going to have to be nude Accept.

    As in, TO THE WALL.

  7. dwoz says:

    This is why they invented Lucite guitars

  8. Love this, Greg. Still wondering what the V. stands for…

  9. Rachel Pollon says:

    Nudity must be in the air for I too was just posting about it yesterday. (On my Facebook page… regarding the new TNB book club!)

    The music world would do well to pursue this genre. Everyone loves a nude fiddler.

  10. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    Naked drumming. That one’s got bounce.

  11. I so want that pro metal vocalist gig! The only problem: I don’t own any sandals. Shit.

    Great post, Brother Boose.

  12. Simon Smithson says:

    “Think George Strait meets naked Dolly Parton.”


    Well-played, Mr. Boose. Well-played.

  13. You could start a naked Led Zeppelin cover band named … *ahem* … LeWd Zeppelin. Yep. I just said that.

  14. No skin flute player?

  15. Art Edwards says:

    Jeffrey wins!

    How low can you hang your guitar? Is it cheating to have it right there, or does it have to be way up here?

    What’s the mission statement of a naked band? What does the naked aspect add? Does it make one play better? Is it largely a visual element? Or is it just that musicians can’t afford clothes?

  16. Erika Rae says:

    Contact Lenny V. at Cabana 5B by knocking 4 times…heh.

    When I was a little younger, I think I sort of understood the draw for nudists. Now that I’m a bit older, I don’t understand it anymore. Not one bit.

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