As you may know—but may not, because of my Scorpio predilection for Dick Cheney-level secrecy—I am a semi-professional astrologer.*For many months, I have been quietly collecting birth data from TNB contributors** whenever the topic came up on the comment boards, a sort of horoscopical scavenger hunt that netted quite a few charts for my burgeoning collection.
Now is the time when, if this were a horror movie—like, say, Friday the 13th Part VII—I would rear back my head and laugh maniacally.Because what you poor saps don’t realize is, if your natal stats are entered into my little black book, I pretty much own you.It’s like Sparrowhawk, the wizard of Earthsea (or, if you prefer the watered-down version, Harry or Hermione), knowing a person’s One True Name.Speak that name aloud, and your destiny is mine!I’m a grand puppeteer pulling your wee marionette strings.
I’m not even joking.Like, right now, I just did a little magical incantation based on her chart, and somewhere in Minnesota, Becky left a comment.
This is why noted black magicians Alastair Crowley, Adolf Hitler, and Ronald Reagan deliberately disseminated false birth times—to protect themselves from vengeful rivals.(Glen Beck might also aver that this is the real reason Obama’s been so coy about his Kenyan birth…except that Beck doesn’t know what aver means).
Okay, fine, you’re right; I’m pulling your leg.But only about the “controlling destinies” thing.Crowley, Hitler, and Reagan really did give out false birth times, one of the less obvious things they had in common.And I really have been collecting birth data for my little black book (note: it’s actually red).
Given that a) I have all of this inside information at my disposal, b) people like to have their charts read (even people who think the whole enterprise is bunk; check that: especially people who think the whole enterprise is bunk), and c) the anniversary of TNB 3.0 is upon us, I figured this is as good a time as any to air out all of your dirty laundry to the world—and to set up a little mix-and-match game.
So, I have cast charts for these eighteen TNBers:
James D. Irwin
Jessica Anya Blau
Lisa Rae Cunningham
These are quickie readings, mind, based on my initial impressions of a handful of important factors—Sun sign, Ascendant, Moon sign, planets at angles, major aspects, and so on—and lack the sophistication of more extensive horoscopy.
The hitch is, I’m not going to tell you whose chart is whose.You have to guess.
Those of you adept at math will notice that there is one more chart than there are persons listed.Extra credit for anyone who correctly discerns who this chart belongs to.
But before we get to the good stuff, allow me a quick primer:
Astrology is the study of the relationship between the rhythms of the planets and the rhythms of life, a study that dates to ancient Babylon.It is older than Islam, older than Christianity, older than Judaism, older even than Zoroastrianism.Basically, astrology’s as old as Dick Clark.
The birth chart, or horoscope, is a map of the heavens at the instant you drew your first breath (which, astrologically speaking, is when life begins).The location of the planets at this moment—and by “planets,” we also mean the Sun and Moon, as well as downgraded-by-benighted-astronomers Pluto—will influence your personality.Think of the planets as a celestial choir.The “voice” of Venus would sound different if she is sitting next to you than it would if she’s in the other room.So it is with planetary vibrations.
Here’s what a horoscope looks like:
In traditional astrology, Venus and Jupiter are said to be benefic; Mars and especially Saturn are malefic.Modern astrologers argue that no planet is inherently good or bad; some merely present greater challenges than others.
An aspect is an angle formed by two or more planets.Two planets in about the same location in the sky are said to be conjunct.Two planets separated in the zodiacal circle by 180 degrees are said to be opposed.A trine makes a 120-degree angle; a square, 90; a sextile, 60; a quincunx, 150.
Squares, oppositions, and quincunxes are called hard aspects, because they denote conflict between those planetary energies.Trines and sextiles are favorable aspects, with those planetary energies coexisting synergistically.
The chart is divided into twelve slices, not unlike a celestial pizza.Each pizza slice is called a house.In Western astrology, there are twelve houses, each representing an aspect of human personality.
The east/west axis of the birth chart represents the horizon.The sign of the zodiac that is on the easternmost part of the visible sky is your Ascendant, or Rising Sign.The sign in the “high noon” position is the Midheaven, or MC (don’t ask; it’s Latin).The four points made by these two extended lines are called the angles.Planets near the angles, especially the Ascendant and MC, are more significant than ones “buried” in weak houses.
During the course of life, the position of the planets at birth form aspects to the current position of planets in the sky.These are called transits.The best-known transit is the Saturn Return, when Saturn returns to the position it was in when you were born.Saturn “returns” every 29.5 years or so.
Astrology is not really about fate or destiny.An Aries with Aries rising and Mars in the First House will by nature be more aggressive than other people.This means he has a tendency toward anger, but his aggression could also be channeled in more positive ways.
The stars incline; they do not compel.
And now, to the charts!
Fiercely independent, maybe a little headstrong.Not a wallflower, and not one to take shit from anyone.Mars and Saturn occupy the Fourth House, so much of that aggression is contained in the home; she has issues with her home life, especially so early in her life.The moon in Sag in the Ninth brings a love of reading, learning, mind-expansion, and especially travel.She’s a free spirit, fun to be around.
When you meet her, she seems like a nurturer, someone who cares about you deeply, who will take you in and heal you.Family and friends are important to her, as is shared history (such as, say, the history of this fine website).But she’s not wishy-washy.In her professional life in particular, she can shift into a higher gear, and she often assumes a leadership role in work and/or higher education.She enjoys travel, and is distrustful of groups unless she is the leader of them.
Comes off unconventional and sometimes a bit odd.Loses herself in groups. Fascinated with sex and death.In professional life, changes hats and careers often; might do something like get an advanced degree, and then go back to school for something unrelated.No bullshit, a bit Type A, and not at all “girlie”—that said, the Sun at the midpoint of a Venus/Mars conjunction bestows enormous sex appeal.
The Moon in Pisces conjunct the Ascendant indicates an intense sensitivity, which sometimes manifests as a chamelion-like habit of taking on the moods of others.He has a deep, almost desperate, need to be liked; fortunately, he’s a nice person and generally likable.The Sun/Moon square is tricky; at the core, his wants and his needs are conflicted.Probably his mother and father were at cross purposes, or appeared to be to him.All this bubbling emotion is mitigated by the Gemini Sun conjunct the IC; he escapes his feelings through his keen, mercurial mind.
Original, eccentric, dynamic, and front and center, especially in public and in his profession.The double Air (Sun plus Rising sign) bestows a quick, sharp mind that tends to wander from topic to topic, more interested in sampling a lot than going deeper.Saturn in the Ninth suggests a disinclination to dwell on the larger mysteries of life; he is more likely to brush off talk about God and religion with a joke.The Moon/Jupiter conjunction in the Seventh make him attractive to others in one-on-one relationships; this can be romantic or in business partnerships.
Water, water, everywhere!This guy feels, deeply.He also can see ghosts, and probably has.He seeks constant change in his professional life, and often in his life in general.His fascination with the occult and metaphysical worlds borders on the obsessive.Because of this, he has an intense fear of death.But his wants and needs are in perfect alignment, and he has a great relationship with his parents.Virgo in the Seventh means he can be a perfectionist about matters of the heart; he’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t measure up—and in his experience, no one quite measures up.
Organized, capable, hard-working.Successful in her career, and looked up to by others.Jupiter on the First House cusp brings artistic abilities, especially in the field of acting, and the tight-orbed Venus/Sun/Mars conjunction in the Ninth, with the Sun at the midpoint, equates to mucho sex appeal.The outers—Pluto/Uranus, Neptune, and Saturn—form a yod, or finger of God, aspect pattern.This means the turbulence of the Pluto/Uranus conjunction and the otherworldly “high art” creativity of Neptune all play upon the house where grumpy old Saturn resides—the Eighth, which means lots and lots of conflicted, deep-seated, powerful energies, all concentrated on sex (the cerebral, soulful side of sex, rather than the act itself) and death.
A force of nature to the casual observer: take charge, high energy, at times aggressive.The center of everyone’s attention—including many of the people whose charts I have analyzed.The Jupiter/Moon conjunction near the IC is good luck; the owner of this chart is well-liked.Many friends from all walks of life, and all parts of the world.Sociable, loves people, and nurtures everyone.No Earth at all in the chart, indicating a displacement from the physical world.
His inherently sunny personality, coupled with a Twelfth House position that makes him more comfortable off the bright glare of the main stage.He likes to share, and is very supportive of others.A really good talker, especially in person.Taurus moon suggests a love of the finer things in life: good food, good wine, good beer, etc.Analytical, attention to detail, organizational tendencies bordering on the ob-com.
A Sun/Mercury conjunction within an orb of five degrees is called combust; this enhances the already strong power of the Sun, strongly placed here in the Eleventh House.He is a leader of groups (although he also fears and distrusts them), and the Virgo Rising gives him the organizational skills to harness this charisma. The T-square of the three outers indicates a constant toggle between the Saturnine need for discipline, the Jovial generous view of joint enterprises, and the Uranian need to be a revolutionary.
Extreme introvert, but once you get to know him, a nurturer—a good and loyal friend.Great with money, which is important to him.Jupiter at the First House cusp brings stage presence and acting ability.Probably moved around a lot as a child.Would make a good politician, as he seems able to connect with big groups of people easily.
He is the Virgoest Virgo imaginable.Analytical, mucho attention to detail, organizational tendencies bordering on the ob-com.Without order, he falls apart.He is very down-to-earth, no bullshit, and enjoys talking about down-to-earth things.You will never find a typo in one of his posts; all is meticulous.But you will find a compulsion to make lists, because lists are neat.
Extreme extrovert.Takes on the mood of whoever she’s with, and comes across as sensitive and kind.Can see ghosts.I mean, can really see them.Mars in Scorpio (which it rules) and in the Eighth (its strongest placement) suggests strong sexual urges.Doesn’t like secrets; prefers everything out in the open, even things others may wish to conceal.Happiest when in a relationship.Probably a serial monogamist.
Outwardly gregarious, and when he’s on, he’s very on…but he’s an introvert at heart, and too much socializing exhausts him.His Scorpio sun is buried in the Fourth House, making his secretive inner workings all the more secretive.A grand trine combines the discipline of Saturn with the artfulness of the Moon and Venus and the originality of Uranus, but it also means he can be lazy and shy away from too much hard work and/or conflict.He’s never felt very much at home in groups.
His personality is dominated by the Sun/Neptune in the First House.A lot of fuzziness and confusion about fantasy and reality, and a tendency to escape into self-created fantasy worlds.Robert Hand says, “If you train your creative mind properly, your fondness for fantasy can help you produce significant poetry, art, and music.”He has done so.
Masculine, sporty, the first one picked in gym class.Enjoys people, especially groups of people.Friendships are extremely important to him, and he forms friendships that last for long periods of time.Professionally, he is goal-oriented, and gravitates towards jobs that are stable, secure, and responsible.This is a good thing, because the placement of Saturn in the Second suggests an uneasy relationship with money—hardships that must be, and will be, overcome.The Sagittarian Sun plus Neptune in the Eighth House gives a curious mind taken with mysteries, metaphysics, and the like.Loves to travel.
Weakly-placed Sun cedes much of the personality to Capricorn, the Rising Sign: this is someone down-to-earth, a hard worker, who takes life very seriously, but masks this solemnity behind a sparkling sense of humor, magnified by the presence of Jupiter in Capricorn.She has problems relaxing, and thus escapes from reality through a strong participation in groups.This is the chart of a prolific commentator!
There are two kinds of Pisces: ones who brood, and ones who like to help others.She’s one of the latter.But you’d never suspect her of being a sensitive Piscean anyway, because she seems so kick-ass in person, a larger-than-life personality who belongs on a stage somewhere.Emotionally intense, she can feed off drama in one-on-one relationships.Into metaphysics and the larger mysteries of life.No Earth in the chart, so she lacks a ballast, something to keep her grounded.
Pluto, which dominates her chart, is Shiva the Destroyer, knocking things down to build them up again, destroying to create; this is enhanced by her strong Aries position at the MC.She comes across as volatile, perhaps moody, and always ready to kick ass, but deep down, buried in the chart, is a sensitive Piscean nature given to brooding, and a well-disguised fear and distrust of groups.One-on-one, she aims to please and enjoys harmonious relationships, but this is in constant conflict with a need for independence and a propensity to rock the proverbial boat.
Thanks for reading, and happy “Sun conjunct Sun,” TNB 3.0!
* “Semi-professional” means I occasionally get paid to read charts, but not often enough to make a living doing so.If you’re interested in my zodiacal services, please drop me a line.I’m good, and I work cheap.
** I hesitate to write stuff like this because I don’t want anyone to feel left out.If yours is not among the included charts, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, only that you didn’t give me your birth info at some point.If there is sufficient demand, I can do another one of these chart round-ups; just send me your data: date of birth, place of birth, exact time of birth.
Congrats to Tawni Freeland for correctly identifying ALL NINETEEN charts, and to Gloria Harrison, Richard Cox, and Brad Listi for guessing the identity of the Mystery Chart: TNB itself! That’s right; this site is a Cancer!
Here are the answers:
- Lisa Rae
And this brings up even more questions: Was Richard picked first in gym class? Has Jessica ever seen a ghost? Can Gina and Lisa Rae act? Is Irwin good with money? Does Zara have problems relaxing? Is Becky really (gasp) a softie?
Enlighten us, please!