March 04, 2011
Awards season is upon us, that time of year when we stave off the winter blues by watching befrocked Best Actress winners weep and neglect to thank their husbands.Since the line between movies and real life has become so blurry—as D-listers everywhere vie to keep up with the Kardashians, and cable channels and tabloid magazines swim with celebrity spawn—it’s high time we recognize the famous and flawed moms who make us mortals feel better about our own parenting.
Most Egregious Bestower of Silly Names
Winner: Gwyneth Paltrow
Her daughter’s name is Apple.Apple!Not only is the word itself ugly, and suggestive of a shape women do not generally aspire to, but its connotations are either 1) a monopolistic corporation or 2) the fruit Eve gnawed on to damn all mankind.But wait, there’s more!Apple’s father, remember, is Coldplay frontman Chris Martin; they share a surname.What that means is Apple Martin is one “i” away from being a happy hour special.Moses is lucky she didn’t name him Remy.
Runners-up: Gwen Stefani, Jenna Elfman
Most Egregious Lack of Common Sense
Winner: Denise Richards
Thought Charlie Sheen was good husband material; married him.Thought Charlie Sheen was good father material; had kids with him.Despite public pleas for privacy, parlayed inevitable divorce and single motherhood into a reality show starring said kids, resulting in an improbable wave of sympathy for said coke-addled whore enthusiast.Subsequent romance with Mötley Crüe’s Nikki Sixx demonstrates questionable taste in both men and music.
Runners-up: whoever’s changing Hugh Hefner’s diaper this month
Most Egregious Attempt to Avoid the Press While Simultaneously Courting the Press
Winner: Angelina Jolie
Giving birth in Namibia, where the hospital was guarded by AK-flashing soldiers who were encouraged to shoot and kill paparazzi without reprisal, may never be topped. All that was missing was a throng of worshipful Namibians hoisting her on a chair and parading her like C3PO around Windhoek.No one works the press like Jon Voight’s little girl.
Runners-up: Katie Holmes, Madonna
Most Egregiously Dull Reality Star Who Is Nevertheless Captivating For Reasons Beyond Rational Explanation
Winner: Kendra Baskett
Sure, she’s easy on the eyes—and, unlike the aforementioned Jolie, pretty in a way that women find non-threatening (read: my wife likes her)—but that’s about it.No real drama, no conflicts of consequence anywhere close to dire, no flashes of humor or creativity.My theory is we’re all trying to figure out what she’s doing with a third-string wide receiver who low-talks and isn’t even that cute.
Runners-up: Kourtney Kardashian, Tori Spelling
Most Egregious Misuse of Celebrity Status to Trumpet a Bullshit Cause
Winner: Jenny McCarthy
Do you know what diphtheria is?It’s like having strep, except that a membrane grows over your tonsils and blocks your air passage, increasing the likelihood that you’ll suffocate.Diphtheria was a huge health problem in the 19th and early 20th century, claiming the lives of some 15,000 people a year, mostly children.Cities were prone to diphtheria epidemics—New York in particular was a hotbed—and like AIDS, it did not discriminate; one of Queen Victoria’s daughters died of diphtheria.Nowadays, the disease is almost eradicated in the United States, thanks to vaccines…but because she read, and believed, a bullshit “study” linking autism to inoculations, Jenny McCarthy has embraced the No Vaccines movement (and is its most credentialed spokesperson, which tells you all you need to know).
Runners-up: Scientologist moms
Most Egregious Non-Mom
Winner: Jennifer Aniston
On her payroll is one of those baseball sabermetrics geeks who collects data about her US Weekly coverage.As soon as she goes a certain number of months with no tabloid covers, the former star will adopt a baby from whatever continent Jolie has not yet adopted a baby from.Mark my words.
Runners-up: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian
Most Egregious Nervous Breakdown
Winner: Britney Spears
Despite the best efforts of Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson — and now Christina Aguilera and Sheen — the photograph of the bald-headed Brit flailing her folded umbrella at a phantom paparazzo remains the gold standard of Celebrity Gone Mad.
Runners-up: None.This is the equivalent of Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game; no one will ever come close.