A novelist of your acquaintance, an affable fellow named Roger Gale, has written a second novel, a follow-up to his highly unsuccessful debut, The Lap of Uxory. This sophomore effort, which concerns a stay-at-pyramid father who raises a young Egyptian prince, is called Pharaohmaker, and the “pub date” is fast approaching.
You’re fond of Roger. He writes funny pieces on this literature and culture blog you sometimes read, his tweets are generally amusing, and he always “LIKES” your Facebook status updates, even when they involve something silly, like how your boss sort of looks like Newt Gingrich.
And you happened to read this second novel, and you think it’s the cat’s pajamas. You think it’s the bee’s knees. You think it’s all manner of nonsensical clichéd euphemisms for goodness. Or maybe you didn’t read it, but you’ve seen the reviews, and you know that anything blessed by Vanity Fair is worth throwing your weight behind.
The point is, you’d like to support Roger. But you’re not sure how to go about doing so.
Well, you’ve come to the right place, Dear Reader. Here are some ways—all but one of which are absolutely free!—you might help Roger make Pharaohmaker a rousing success:
1. Pre-order a copy.
If you’re planning on purchasing a copy of the book, it’s a swell idea, I’m reliably informed, to do so before the pub date, for a variety of reasons involving the metrics of best-seller lists and sales rankings that remain, like the logic of Rick Perry’s political positions and the popularity of Twilight, beyond my reckoning. Plus, sometimes the publisher offers inducements to order ahead of time.
2. Talk it up to your local bookseller.
No one will buy Roger’s book at your local independent bookstore if your local independent bookstore does not stock it. It’s up to you to hip your friendly neighborhood bookseller to its awesomeness. (Note: a great way to accomplish both No. 1 and No. 2 in one fell swoop is to pre-order the book at your local independent bookstore).
3. Write a review.
There are any number of websites that allow you to submit book reviews, the biggest—and most important—being Amazon, Goodreads, and Barnes & Noble. Take advantage of the democracy of the web! Write up a few lines on why you like the book; post your review at the Big Three (Amazon isn’t active until pub date, but the others are live now). Roger will love you forever for having done so. And he needs your help, because there do exist haters who seemingly get off on giving one-star reviews to books they have not even read.
4. Attend an author event.
Roger Gale most likely has a book tour. Perhaps he’s even coming to a bookstore near you. If it’s in any way convenient to do so, go see him read. He’s funny in person. Usually. Plus, he’ll inscribe your copy of Pharaohmaker.
5. Make him a Knight of the Realm (Queen Elizabeth II only).
He wants to meet Kate, is the word on the street. Fergie, too.
6. “LIKE” his Facebook fan page. Then, share it.
Change the world with three clicks of your mouse! It’s that simple!
7. #Fridayreads and #followfriday him @pharaohmaker.
Give your myriad Twitter followers the tweet and lowdown.
8. Demand that the Powers That Be book him on the Colbert Report.
You know how, in the opening credits, when Stephen drops down from the sky, and all those words flash by, and there’s the one word that changes every so often? (This week, it’s From C to silent T). How awesome would it be if that word were changed to pharaohmaker? Let Stephen know you’d like this to happen.
9. Suggest it to your book club.
It’s a helluva book club book. Library Journal says so. There’s a reading guide and everything. And if asked, Roger will probably show up at the meeting to talk about the book. There’s nothing a writer enjoys more than talking about his work, except maybe drinking—and at book clubs, he’d be doing both! It’s a win-win!
10. Endow Mr. Gale with a “Genius Grant” (MacArthur Foundation selection committee only).
Daddy needs a new pair of spats.
11. Cash out your 401(k); invest the money in first edition copies of Pharaohmaker.
I’m only half joking here. Standard & Poor’s won’t be downgrading Pharaohmaker first editions anytime soon, unlike T-bills issued by certain governments I can think of. First editions, meanwhile, are worth their weight in gold, if the ad that’s always on the back page of the New York Times Book Review is a reliable economic indicator.