Omission Impossible: Lists I Wish I’d Made in 2011By Greg Olear
December 06, 2011
Twenty-eleven was a good year, one might even say a banner year, for Greg Olear. The proverbial bouncer whisked me into the proverbial club in many instances when, in the past, I would have been left waiting behind the proverbial velvet rope.
Among the lists I’m proud to have made in 2011: American writers published in the French by Editions Gallmeister; American writers interviewed on French TV; speakers at the Quais du Polar festival in Lyon; authors in the signing booth at BEA; guests at the Authors Guild cocktail party; New Paltz homeowners (and Hudson Valley Magazine feature subjects); novelists noted on the “Hot Type” page of Vanity Fair; guys who have made out with Snooki; novelists noted on the “Full Frontal” page of Penthouse; writers interviewed on the Other People pod (you can’t spell Listi without L-I-S-T); and of course, Los Angeles Times bestsellers (Fathermucker was #15!).
Just kidding about Snooki. I’m not at all proud of that.
But, human nature being what it is, just as my son’s appetite for new Mario games for his Nintendo DS approaches the insatiable, so I find myself wishing that I’d been included on a few more lists this year. Specifically, these ten:
10. The Forbes 400: The Richest People in America
The last name on the list, Washington Redskins owner/football saboteur Dan “The Danny” Snyder, is worth $1.05 billion — just $1.05 billion more than me!
9. People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive
The cover boasts of “123 SUPER HOT GUYS WE LOVE,” and they somehow managed to find 123 guys either hotter or more lovable than Yours Truly. Although, let’s face it, the list is kind of bogus. Bradley Cooper is probably the most attractive dude I’ve ever met, but attractive and sexy are apples and oranges; he wasn’t even the sexiest man in our college production of Les Liaisons Dangereuses, let alone the entire freakin’ world.
8. Guest List, the British Royal Wedding
The Obamas got snubbed, too, so I don’t feel that bad about this one. And it’s not like I would have gone (much more agreeable to read Jedi’s dispatch from across the pond). But my daughter would have loved to play with the invitation.
7. Twitter Users Followed By @DENISE_RICHARDS
You replied to my tweet, Denise…and then you left me for dead. Click the little green icon. Follow @gregolear. Don’t be a tease.
6. Guest List, Vanity Fair Oscar Party
Obviously I was passed over because the wingding was in February, and I didn’t get my name into the magazine until October.
5. The New York Times 100 Notable Books of the Year
Yes, much of it smacks of what Bret Easton Ellis calls “Empire”. One might even mount an argument that the Gray Lady is out of touch, and this is the literary equivalent of the Grammies. Still, it would sure be swell to be taken note of by the Paper of Record.
4. Meet the 2011 Macarthur Fellows
No disrespect to the fine work UCSF’s William Seeley is doing integrating microscopy, magnetic resonance imaging, and clinical examination to identify the mechanisms underlying frontotemporal dementia, track disease progression, and create effective therapeutic interventions, but the dude’s a neurologist. Does he really need the hundred large the “Genius Award” comes with? Holla back, Macarthur Selection Committee; Daddy needs a new pair of spats.
3. Electric Literature’s Top Ten WILFs
While I can’t quibble with a single name in this ménage à dix of literary pulchritude, I will suggest that if ever there were a year to pay homage to the great Nigel Tufnel and make a list go to eleven, 2011 was it. That, and Kunkel can’t kiss.
This one is a joke. Although it is always nice to feel wanted.
1. Twitter Users Followed by @StephenAtHome
There ain’t a harder list to crack. Or one I’d rather be on.
Brilliant concept, artfully-executed, and so much hope. I think that if you try hard enough, there are two of those lists that are easily within your reach. Like, you could be there by January.
Which two? January is really soon for a massive interstate crime spree…
You should send a copy of FATHERMUCKER to the Colbert Report headquarters. Imagine getting a plug on that show. You’d be set for life, maybe even crack Forbes one day — granted they’d have to extend the list to Forbes 4000.
Oh, we sent them a copy ages ago. Nothing would make me happier than having the word FATHERMUCKER appear in the opening credits, where C TO SILENT T recently was…
In that case, we need to do a collective tweet with every one on your mailing list at _:__ EST to @stephenathome that says, “Plug Greg Olear’s book Fathermucker on The Colbert Report and we each promise to buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream,” although I think that’s more than 140 characters.
Would that I had the power to do such things! It’s a good idea, though…hmmm….
Thanks, Pillow, I didn’t know who “@StephenAtHome” referred to. I’m so disengaged. I need a class. Or class. I could use both.
I just re-signed up at Twitter after a year absence, so I’m still finding my way as well so it’s all gravy.
Forget Colbert. You need Phineas and Ferb to use Fathermucker in a song medley, before using it in a machine that saves Danville from a comet.
Spoken like a true parent…
I see it more as the title of a “Fairly Oddparents” episode. Either way, I’ll take it.
Can you imagine the student loan debt that comes along with a degree in neurology? I’ll bet the 100K, after taxes, barely touched it.
I’m sure he made that back long ago. It’s not like he had student debt for, say, studying English literature. There’s a reason MDs drive BMWs with special plates, and writers ride the bus.
Also, there are all kinds of programs for doctors where, if you do X amount of hours in X environment, you can have a large portion of your debt forgiven. Not so for English majors. Each year I get a stupidity tax levied against me as punishment for making such a foolhardy educational decision.
What a blast…. although I have to say, you indeed made some great lists all on your own merit. Here’s to an even grander 2012!
A grander 2012 for both of us. I’ll drink to that!
How about the Nobel Peace Prize shortlist? I think I’m going to go nominate you now.
“Fuck peace.” — Tupac Shakur
Right. No Nobel for you then Mr. Olear!
Nobel schmobel. Confucius is the way to go. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confucius_Peace_Prize
I don’t know what’s more horrifying — the measly $15k payout, or the fact that its first winner was Putin.
I think Putin is the second winner, although neither him nor the first dude will likely collect their prize. Neither of them were even informed that they’d won! It’s all very Confucing…
Fathermucker made my Christmas shopping list. So … there’s that.
Also, what does People Magazine know!? Nothing raises my ire like their “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. They never ever get it right.
Apparently Idris Elba was on the short list for the cover, which means that SOMEONE there knows what sexy actually means.
I am honored to be included on your Xmas list…and, for that matter, the roster of writers for the writers on cinema book, which I should go add to the top of the post (I knew I was forgetting something obvious).
i must say, whoever decided on that WILF list obviously has not ever been over to TNB to see all the fiercely awesome hotness that resides herein.
Note to The Outlet: send Julia Jackson next time I’m at Book Soup.
What can I say? I tried to wrangle invites, but I’m not as close with the Queen as you might expect.
Honoured to get a mention in your lists list post… and of course Fathermucker is on my wishlist…
I see you as more in keeping with the spirit of Guy Fawkes than rubbing noses with the Queen.
It varies, depending on how recently I’ve eaten a scone.
I thought about this exchange in the middle of a phone call.
Tomorrow afternoon I am genuinely going to a meeting to help organize the Queen’s Jubilee celebration next year.
It is nice to be wanted, indeed. And I agree with Sean up above. Get on Phineas and Ferb — screw the royal wedding snub.
And you didn’t make the Nobbies, either. Ah, the life of a TNB senior editor.