Top Ten Dick Cheney Heart Transplant PunchlinesBy Greg Olear
March 25, 2012
On Saturday, Dick Cheney got a new heart.
That doesn’t require a punchline any more than did the news that he shot his friend in the face because he mistook him for a deer. But that doesn’t mean writers of late-night monologues didn’t spend all weekend cranking out heart transplant jokes.
On Monday, your favorite late-night talk show host — I picture Jay Leno, although I’m a Colbert man myself — will mug at the camera and begin, “On Saturday, former vice president Dick Cheney had a heart transplant.”
Then he’ll pause, and he’ll grin, and he’ll say…
10. I didn’t know he had one to begin with.
9. Is the new one made of stone, too?
8. One thing’s for sure: the old one wasn’t bleeding.
7. So now George W. Bush is having the surgery, too.
6. I’m told that Santa will use the old one to put in the stocking of a particularly naughty child.
5. The old one was then sent to an undisclosed location.
4. So to all you haters who thought he’d never have a change of heart…well, ha ha.
3. There was a moment during the surgery when the old heart was removed but the new one not yet in the body. At that moment, Dick Cheney was not just figuratively heartless.
2. They wanted to replace his soul, too, but he sold that bad boy a long time ago.
1. It took longer than scheduled, because it took them a good hour to get through the breast plate. (Show ’em, Jimmy):
11. Turned out Tin Man needed more than oil.
12. The old one left voluntarily.
13. Satan called…he wanted his heart back.
14. Satan called…he wants to donate.
15. Doctors had to stab the old one 5 times with a silver stake and bathe it in a fine garlic mince to make it stop quivering in the pan.
Here is a Dick Cheney Heart Transplant mix I made on Spotify. Enjoy!
I came up with one, too:
Now all he needs is a brain and courage!
Greg, I think you need to host a joke-off every month or so. It just sounds…dirty.
1. Gloria, that’s a good one.
2. Erika…a joke off a month! Perfect! I love it. I’m totally doing that. Thanks for the idea!
Too bad his heart didn’t grow three sizes that day.
Also, I don’t care what they say about Cheney having any sort of heart. I will always believe that he is cyborg terminator Cheney, and I fear the sight of him crouched naked in a parking lot in 1984.
It’s uncanny with him, how over the top it all is. I mean, he even LOOKS like Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
I had no idea Cheney had had a transplant.
But I got the jokes anyway (and laughed!)
I am 100% sure they did the surgery on a weekend to avoid the news cycle and the late-night shows. They did that all the time when in office, to avoid being made fun of on The Daily Show.
To celebrate Cheney’s new heart, one lucky inmate at Guantanamo will be randomly selected to receive a trial!
I’ll save more punchlines for the day the man replaces his first name.
Ha! I wanted to work a “they found the WMDs in his chest cavity” joke in, but I couldn’t quite get it right…
Your “how they sleep at night” post was very funny, BTW.
My favourite popped up on Twitter but I can’t find it now… “and they threw the old one into a volcano…”
That Darth Vader punch was awesome. Just sayin’.
[Smiles proudly because his joke is endorsed by a professional]
[These asides always sound sarcastic, and I’m not being sarcastic]
Greg, I feel like our lists could go out on the road together.