On Saturday, Dick Cheney got a new heart.

That doesn’t require a punchline any more than did the news that he shot his friend in the face because he mistook him for a deer.  But that doesn’t mean writers of late-night monologues didn’t spend all weekend cranking out heart transplant jokes.

On Monday, your favorite late-night talk show host — I picture Jay Leno, although I’m a Colbert man myself — will mug at the camera and begin, “On Saturday, former vice president Dick Cheney had a heart transplant.”

Then he’ll pause, and he’ll grin, and he’ll say…

10. I didn’t know he had one to begin with.

9. Is the new one made of stone, too?

8. One thing’s for sure: the old one wasn’t bleeding.

7. So now George W. Bush is having the surgery, too.

6. I’m told that Santa will use the old one to put in the stocking of a particularly naughty child.

5. The old one was then sent to an undisclosed location.

4. So to all you haters who thought he’d never have a change of heart…well, ha ha.

3.  There was a moment during the surgery when the old heart was removed but the new one not yet in the body. At that moment, Dick Cheney was not just figuratively heartless.

2. They wanted to replace his soul, too, but he sold that bad boy a long time ago.

1. It took longer than scheduled, because it took them a good hour to get through the breast plate.  (Show ’em, Jimmy):

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GREG OLEAR is the Los Angeles Times bestselling author of the novels Totally Killer and Fathermucker and founding editor of The Weeklings.

16 responses to “Top Ten Dick Cheney Heart Transplant Punchlines”

  1. Erika Rae says:

    11. Turned out Tin Man needed more than oil.
    12. The old one left voluntarily.
    13. Satan called…he wanted his heart back.
    14. Satan called…he wants to donate.
    15. Doctors had to stab the old one 5 times with a silver stake and bathe it in a fine garlic mince to make it stop quivering in the pan.

  2. Too bad his heart didn’t grow three sizes that day.

    Also, I don’t care what they say about Cheney having any sort of heart. I will always believe that he is cyborg terminator Cheney, and I fear the sight of him crouched naked in a parking lot in 1984.

  3. James D. Irwin says:

    I had no idea Cheney had had a transplant.

    But I got the jokes anyway (and laughed!)

    • Greg Olear says:

      Thanks, Jedi.

      I am 100% sure they did the surgery on a weekend to avoid the news cycle and the late-night shows. They did that all the time when in office, to avoid being made fun of on The Daily Show.

  4. To celebrate Cheney’s new heart, one lucky inmate at Guantanamo will be randomly selected to receive a trial!

    I’ll save more punchlines for the day the man replaces his first name.

    • Greg Olear says:

      Ha! I wanted to work a “they found the WMDs in his chest cavity” joke in, but I couldn’t quite get it right…

      Your “how they sleep at night” post was very funny, BTW.

  5. My favourite popped up on Twitter but I can’t find it now… “and they threw the old one into a volcano…”

  6. Slade Ham says:

    That Darth Vader punch was awesome. Just sayin’.

  7. Rachel Pollon says:

    Greg, I feel like our lists could go out on the road together.

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