March 03, 2010
A Vaguely Comprehensive / Chronological Timeline of Thought Processes Re: Cigarettes & I
– Cigarettes are bad because major corporations produce them.
– Smoking is a ‘fairly sure, fairly honorable way to commit suicide’ (via Kurt Vonnegut, I think.)
– Cigarettes are tested on animals (?!)
– Smoking American Spirit brand cigarettes is okay, because there are no additives in them and because a major corporation does not produce them.
– The reason why I smoke cigarettes is because they serve as the only constant in a life full of perpetual movement, confusion, and sadness.
– Cigarettes are no less an oppressor than any other more commonly accepted oppressor (i.e. ‘the state,’ capitalism, police, etc.). I am enslaved, via addiction, to smoking cigarettes.
– Cigarettes are ‘the epitome’ of capitalism. You buy them, they burn away, you buy more, they make you feel good, you become addicted, they kill you slowly.
– People who smoke menthol cigarettes are “fucking retarded.”
– I started smoking cigarettes mainly because most of the people who I look up to smoke cigarettes.
– Smoking cigarettes creates a very complex, multi-faceted hierarchical aspect of my daily life. / 1.) Purchasing cigarettes that are produced by major corporations perpetuates ‘big business’ and ‘the American capitalist system,’ ‘inadvertently’ harming the ‘lower / middle classes,’ ‘third world countries,’ and [other people.] / 2.) Cigarettes are tested on animals, like dogs and monkeys, and it is bad to claim dominance over other sentient beings, ‘simply’ because they are deemed ‘intellectually / emotionally inferior’ (especially for a commodity such as cigarettes.) / 3.) Cigarette butts / smoke is bad for the environment, affecting human beings in a negative way. / 4.) Cigarettes / the corporations that produce cigarettes have a large amount of control over my life, and by purchasing cigarettes I am enabling the corporations that produce cigarettes to market themselves, increase profits (or at least maintain steady monetary income), and perpetuate their control over my life and the lives of others.
– “I know cigarettes are bad, but I don’t give a fuck.”
– [Vague feelings / thoughts re ‘coolness’ re smoking cigarettes]
– Anybody who smokes cigarettes, who doesn’t want to die, is “fucking retarded.”
– Cigarettes feel like ‘an extension of my hand.’
– Smoking has created structure / routine in almost all aspects of my life re “I ‘have to’ smoke when I drive,” “I ‘have to’ smoke at least two cigarettes before school,” “I ‘have to’ smoke at Mallory’s house,” etc.
– ‘We are all going to die anyway.’
– American Spirit brand cigarettes taste really bad. (I ‘can’t believe’ R.J Reynolds owns ‘them.’)
– Cigarettes ‘transfer’ ‘cancer of the spirit, soul, etc.’ to ‘cancer of the lungs, throat, etc.’ Most people die spiritually first, and physically second. Smoking cigarettes ‘balances out’ the death of the two, so that when I die, I will not die an ‘already empty carcass,’ (or live for any period of time as an ’empty carcass’), but will die a ‘[something].’ [Something re good, something re bad].
– I like menthol cigarettes.
– I can control my thoughts (and therefore my emotions and behaviors), therefore I can choose to feel happy without smoking cigarettes, because the cigarettes (aside from my physiological addiction to them) are not what make me happy; it is my psychological affinity for them, my perception of how they affect my life in a positive way, which gives me the illusion of substantial happiness.
– Cigarette smoking is an ultimately endless pursuit.
– Abstaining from smoking cigarettes can increase my physical well being, resulting in a higher chance of a ‘more sustainable emotional happiness, in general.’ It can also allow me to think more clearly about things, because my thoughts, feelings, and actions won’t be ‘clouded’ by physiological or psychological addiction.
– ‘I don’t care about anything’ is a lie that I have been frequently using to ‘comfort myself with,’ in attempting to ‘justify’ smoking cigarettes. My choice to remain living shows that I have obvious self-interest and that I view life as desirable, to some degree. Therefore, I should try to act only in ways that allow life for the most sentient beings, for the most amount of time, at the highest quality possible (including myself). Smoking cigarettes is bad in the context of this thought process.
– I want to be a healthy ‘role model’ re little brothers.
– My life is a series of ‘phases,’ that either include or do not include smoking cigarettes. Each phase is, I guess, equally as arbitrary as every other phase, so, I guess, all that matters is that the phases seem – during the moments in which I am existing within these phases (or the moments in which these phases are existing within me) – to be ‘the best for me’ (re emotions, goals, life in general, etc.).
– When I believed that I wanted to die, what I really wanted was a major change in my life.
– Smoking cigarettes habitually would negatively affect my ability to pay rent, pay for food, etc., which would result in my having to put more effort into these things than I’d like to, which would result in less time to read or write. Seems important, somehow.
– I just like, don’t really want to smoke cigarettes I guess, I don’t know…