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Hey, haven’t you done all this already?
Promote Pill Head? Yes, but that was for the hardcover, and I don’t know anyone who would pay $25 for a book. Now that it’s in paperback, I’m trying to reach a whole new group of readers. Although I think people will gravitate more towards the sexy new cover than the discounted price tag.
Oh, hells yeah! Who is that?
That’s the dreamy and talented singer Chris Garneau, who was sweet enough to sit for this photo.
Do you wish you looked like him, and that was really you on the cover??
Yes. Next question.
Are you on pills right now?
Just Wellbutrin. And a multi-vitamin.
Has staying off of painkillers been hard?
Imagine waging war against your brain every single day.
I thought it was supposed to get easier after time?
Yeah, that’s what they told me too.
That sounds dark!
No, no! Everything is fine, it’s just that I’m surprised it’s still a struggle.
At least you’re not an alcoholic.
I know. I think alcoholics actually have it much, much worse than me. There’s temptation on every corner and at every social gathering! If people were serving pills in tiny cups on silver platters at every party I went to, well, I guess I’d be super relaxed. And then dead.
What do you do for money these days?
I work full time at a magazine again and spend the paychecks hunting down my childhood toys on eBay. I fantasize a lot about the days when I used to roll out of bed and write for four straight hours.
So you aren’t writing anything now?
I’m “working” on two projects, which means I jot down notes about them in a Moleskin notebook on the subway to and from work.
That sounds like you’re being LAZY.
I keep telling myself I’ll get up at 6 AM and write before work, but I can’t seem to make that happen. Does that mean I don’t want it bad enough?
Yes.
Fuck you, you don’t know what I want.
Oh, I think I do.
Well?
You want to win the lottery. You want an instant cash infusion that will enable you to quit your job and write whenever you want. You want to pay someone else to clean the house because if you find one more giant tuft of hair on the floor you might just take the clippers to your boyfriend’s obscenely fluffy cat.
You make me sound so bougie!
Don’t fight it. What are you reading right now?
“The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll.”
Oh, how apt.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Never mind.
PSSST, TAKE SOME PILLS!
Who was that?!?!
I thought it was you!!
No way, I’d never say that!
IT’S JUST ME GUYS, RELAXXXXXXX.
Your inner demon sounds just like James Duval in The Doom Generation.
I know, I know. It’s such a cliché.
SERIOUSLY DUDE, ONE FUCKING DILAUDID ISN’T GONNA HURT YOU. YOU WON’T EVEN FEEEEEL ANYTHING MAJOR, I BET. IT’LL JUST KEEP ALL THOSE OTHER VOICES QUIET FOR AWHILE.
Wait, you’ve got others???
Yeah. I don’t think there are many seats left in here.
Who’s your favorite?
Probably the one who sounds like Sir Hiss, the snake from Disney’s version of Robin Hood.
What does he tell you?
It’s not about what he says, it’s how he says it – he’s got this lilting voice with lots of extended ssssssssssssss sounds. Sometimes when a person is talking to me, I’ll accidentally space out and he’ll start repeating everything they’re saying in my head, but in his gay snake voice.
I think maybe you should have someone edit this before you send it in.
Too late, I left it to the last minute.
Any last words?
Yes. Please buy my book, because when I ran into my editor the other night she told me that the one title of hers that is selling like crazy right now is Skinny Italian, by Teresa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. And I openly wept in the aisles of Whole Foods.
You should have called your book Skinny Pill Head.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
Or maybe you could have called it, “Kardashian Pill Head”. Enjoyed your self-interview, Joshua!