WASHINGTON – Toyota to recall 270,000 Priuses after reports of malfunctioning brakes. Spokesman for the company cites green initiative.

“It is our belief at Toyota that brake dust and brake fluid are harmful to the environment. As 21st century innovators and leaders in green vehicular technology, we took the initiative and eradicated these two harmful agents from spoiling our beloved Mother Earth and killing innocent dolphins.”

Pressured with questions regarding Toyota’s other recall, the company spokesman offered his take on the matter saying, “You say tomato. I say tomahto. My friends, the press–these accelerators are not jammed. They are simply locked. Jammed and locked are two wholly different issues. By coupling locked accelerators with malfunctioning brakes, we, at Toyota, are preserving our planet. When an accelerator locks and you have no brakes and you’re going down a mountainside at 80 MPH, everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that you put the gear shift in Neutral. And what does Neutral do? It saves gasoline. Saved gasoline saves planets. Toyota’s Green Initiative. Any more questions?”

Click to watch video of Crash Test Dummies performing Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.

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JEFFREY PILLOW is a contributing writer for The Nervous Breakdown and Hoops Addict. He lives in Charlottesville with his wife, daughter, and dog -- three separate entities. A certified basketball junkie, he also loves cheddar cheese and poorly crafted science fiction thriller films involving cold-blooded animals and bad acting. SEE Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. His work has appeared on Yahoo! Sports, USA Today, and 16 Blocks magazine et al. Visit him online at www.jeffreypillow.com.

17 responses to “Toyota recalls Prius, cites Green Initiative”

  1. Greg Olear says:

    I think the real plan is called the Soylent Green Initiative…

  2. Richard Cox says:

    Oh yeah. Crash Test Dummies for teh win.

  3. Don Mitchell says:

    Anybody besides me ever read a novel called “Let The Dog Drive,” by David Bowman?

    Brakes, Crash Test Dummies, and more. I liked it a lot, especially the reading while driving bit.

  4. Lenore says:

    dolphins are absolutely not innocent!

    • D.R. Haney says:

      Egad. We already covered this topic on another board not so long ago.

      I have a terrible feeling that, eventually, it will be impossible to tell Crash Test Dummies from humans, if that isn’t the case already.

      Oh, and Jeffrey, I’d meant to comment on your Thunderbird piece, but I got distracted and failed to do so. Anyhow: Well done. Is Hurricane anything like Steel Reserve?

      • About two months ago, I met the two stupidest human beings in my life. It was really quite amazing. They were severe alcoholics who probably had limited brain cells to begin with. They were brothers and reminded me of the two alley cats (names I can’t remember for the life of me) from the Looney Tunes series. That is another story in itself. However, they could pass as crash test dummies.

        re Black Thunderbird. Steel Reserve, I like to think, is the bastard cousin of Hurricane though it really is the other way around. Thunderbird, the wine, is, however, royalty, as is Wild Irish Rose.

        • Irene Zion says:


          How about mad Dog 20 / 20 ?

          I am going right out to buy a Prius, because it’s good for the earth. I just won’t drive it because I value my life.

        • Irene,

          You know, it’s funny, I actually bought a new Camry back in June. I swear by Toyota. I bought it three days before my wedding. (Talk about pre-wedding jitters. I went out and bought a car)

          Considering the winter we are having in Virginia—27” in Charlottesville on December 19-20 and, as I type this, it’s snowing again and they are calling for 28” this weekend—if my accelerator sticks while I’m driving, I should be in for a pretty exciting ride on the 250 bypass.

          Who needs a rollercoaster at Kings Dominion when you have a recalled Toyota?

        • MD 20/20. Kiwi-Lemon. One of my friends used to pound that stuff. I just couldn’t do it. It made me gag. Now, St. Ides used to have a Strawberry Daiquiri they sold in the bottle beside MD 20/20. That stuff was liquid crack it was so good.

      • By the way, thanks for reading The Black Thunderbird. Wrote it when I was the big 2-1. Tweaked it recently for its debut on TNB.

    • Enters dolphins’ complex world of sexual aggression and social hierarchy to find out what causes these seemingly harmless animals to attack.

      Read more and watch accompanying video at: http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/series/hunter-hunted/2606/Overview

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